Chapter Four

May 1914

"Good morning Grace." I said as I took a seat at the kitchen table, pouring myself a cup of coffee and picking up the newspaper.

"Good morning, Ruth." She replied with a smile, taking the seat across from me. "You sure are cheery this morning."

"You really think so?" I asked.

Grace smiled at me as she poured herself a cup of coffee. "Yes. I think you going to the diner ever other day is doing you some good. You don't seem as sad all of the time."

"I got to hold Carrie again last night. I tell you, there is something about her, something that makes all my worries and pain disappear when I'm holding her."

Grace set her coffee down and sighed shaking her head "You really should tell them who you are, Ruth."

"I can't do that, not yet. Not when I'm starting to bond with my grand daughter." I said as I sipped my coffee.

"I hate to be the one to bring you back to reality, but I'm almost certain that Rose isn't going to work at that Diner, forever."

Grace had awakened my senses, somewhat. I'd never once thought of that. I was just so happy at seeing them every other night. "I guess you're right, but..."

"But nothing, Ruth. The diner is closing at the end of July!"

Suddenly I felt a pang in my chest and I felt weak. "I didn't know that." I said as I stared off, looking at nothing.

"Ruth are you alright?" Grace asked.

I looked back at Grace. I could see her, but I couldn't hear her. "What did you say?"

"I asked if you're alright." Grace stood up "Do I need to call a doctor?"

"A doctor, why?"

"You're really pale right now. Are you feeling alright?"

"I feel fine, really." I lied. I didn't feel fine.

Grace sat back down and picked up the newspaper. She acted as though she was reading, but I saw her glance at me more than once. "Why do you keep looking at me?"

"Grace looked at me over the top of the paper and raised a brow "What do you mean, "looking at you"?" She lowered her eyes back to the paper "I'm just reading the obituaries."

"Oh yeah?" I questioned. "Are you sure that is what you're reading?"

She glanced at me again and quickly looked back at the paper, scanning it with her eyes "Yep."

"Anyone we know?" I questioned.

"Nope." She said.

I reached over and grabbed the obituary section, that I had laid aside earlier and opened it up. "Let's see if we know anyone in here." I said, making sure to crinkle it a little.

Grace looked up and gasped "Why, Ruth! You knew I was lying..."

"Yes."

"You are slick!" She said laughing.

"So, why were you looking at me?" I asked.

"Because I know you, Ruth. I know when you're lying to me."

"I haven't lied to you, not today..."

"Oh thats horse shit, Ruth!" She said harshly. "You were lying to me when I asked if you were alright.

I sighed in defeat and frowned "I am not alright. Ok.. is that what you want to hear?..."

"I know you're not alright."

"I'm going to lose Rose, again! I'm going to lose Carrie, oh that precious little angel..."

"Ruth, look at me." Grace demanded "You won't lose them..." She paused for a moment "If you tell them the truth..."

"I can't do that because I don't think Rose wants anything to do with me."

"Did she say that?"

"Not exactly. But she did say once that I favored someone she knew a long time ago." Ruth felt the hurt build up inside her once more.

"Maybe she didn't mean it the way you think she did." Grace said with a smile.

"Maybe." I said as I stood up.

"Where are you going?" Grace asked.

"I'm going into town.." I said "I need some fresh air."

Grace stood up "Do you mind if I come along?... We haven't really had any girl time together lately."

"That is a great idea. I need some girl time. We can look at the cute young men and hopefully pick us up one." I joked.

"Well, if we're picking up men, we better put on our best dresses." Grace said laughing.

"The sun looks a little bright today so we better grab our hats.." I said.

"You can wear all the hats you want, but I ain't covering up my beautiful black hair. Besides, the men love black hair." She said as she winked and laughed. "They love red hair even more!"

"Right. That's why I have men just flocking at my feet." I joked.

"You won't do, Ruth."

"We need to hurry. I want to get some fresh vegetables!"

The two of us talked about nothing and everything on the way to town. I had to admit that Grace really was a friend. She cared about me and my well being, the first of her kind.

"Over here Ruth." Grace said as she pulled me toward a vendor who was selling fabric at a discounted price.

"I don't need anymore fabric at the moment, Grace."

Grace gasped "Are you mental? These prices are unheard of!" She laughed "We really should get some, since we're always needing it. At these prices, we could by every inch he has on sale."

I looked at the prices and was shocked at how low they were. I wasn't planning on buying anything but vegetables "I'll take three yards of each one, please."

Grace looked at me and raised her brows "Wow, 'Miss I don't need anymore fabric at the moment', that's a good bit. How are you getting that to the house?"

"I didn't think about that." I laughed "At one cent a yard, that's a steal and we're stealing it, legally of course."

Grace laughed and waved her hand "You really are mental!"

Thankfully, I had been around Grace long enough to understand her sense of humor. If anyone else called me mental, I'd probably say a few choice words. "You're rude."

"Thank you, I know." Grace said playfully slapping my shoulder.

"Maybe I can pay one of those kids on a bike to take this home."

"Ruth they have bicycles.. Not a buggy." Grace said.

"Ah, yes. I stand corrected." I said. I looked around and spotted an old friend and walked up to him. "Do you have your buggy?" I asked.

"Yes I do, Ruth. Do you need my assistance?"

"In fact I do. I need someone to take all the fabric I just purchased, to the house. It would well appreciated and I'll pay you."

He waved away the thought of payment "No need to pay me, all I ask is that you help load it into the buggy."

"Ruth... Where are you.." I heard Grace calling.

"Here. I'm over here." I said raising my arm and waving it. "Mr. James is going to haul the fabric to the house, we just have to help load it on to the buggy."

"Great!" Grace said as she scanned the crowd, as if she were looking for someone. "I think I saw Rose with the baby, over there." She pointed towards the fruit stand.

"Let's help him load this so we can go say Hi.!" I said, my excitement coming out.

We loaded the fabric and went back to where Grace had spotted Rose and Carrie. I adjusted my hat "Can you make out my face?" I asked Grace.

Grace started tucking my loose hair under my hat "Now she won't recognize you." She said.

"Come with me.. I.. I want you to meet Carrie." I said pulling Grace along.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive." I said, cheerfully giggling "You're going to just love her!"

"Hi, Rose." I said as I approached. "Hi little angel." I said holding my hand out to Carrie, who was sitting in her pram.

Rose smiled as she looked up from the baby "Hi, Betsy! How are you today?"

Grace gasped and her eyes grew wide "Betsy..." She whispered into my ear "Of all names, you chose Betsy?..."

Ignoring Grace I smiled back at Rose "I am doing wonderful, how about yourself and little Miss Carrie?"

"I am doing rather well, considering.. " she paused for a moment "Considering I've been dealing with morning sickness and indigestion."

My heart was jumping with joy. I was going to be a grandmother for a second time. Hopefully by then I'll be able to play the role of grandmother "Oh you poor thing." I sighed "How far along?" I asked.

"Four months." She replied "Baby Dawson number two is due mid October."

"Not much longer. Are you excited?"

"Very. Jack and I want at least five kids." She said.

I gasped involuntarily and Rose noticed.

"What?" She asked laughing.

"Never have I heard anyone say they wanted that many kids. One time was enough for me..."

"I thought you said you didn't have any kids.?" Rose said, eyeing me suspiciously.

"You're in trouble, Ruth." Grace whispered.

"I didn't mean I didn't have a kid. I simply meant that we aren't on speaking terms. She ran away from me because I was a horrible mother to her. I made some very bad decisions." I had done said way to much now, but I couldn't stop myself.

"Sounds like my mother." Rose said coldly.

I shivered against her words. "Oh I'm so terribly sorry, honey."

"My mother made some very bad decisions when it came to me." She said, hurt and anger in her voice. "I haven't seen or talked to her since April of 1912."

"May I interrupt you two for a moment and borrow Betsy. It will only take a moment, I promise." Grace said, guiding me out of Rose's sight. "Ruth, I am going to sit on the bench near the pram and play with the baby, while you and Rose chat."

"Go ahead, just don't steal all of Carrie's love!"

"I am rooting for you two to reconcile. You won't reconcile unless you stop being such a stubborn, pig headed mule!" Grace said.

"I'm not stubborn!"

"Tell her the truth, Betsy!" Grace growled and walked towards the bench, leaving me staring after her.

I walked back to Rose and picked up the conversation where we had left off. "Why haven't you talked to your mother?" I asked, hoping I wasn't being too intrusive.

Rose looked at me, her eyes filling with tears. "I don't know if she'll forgive me for running away from her." She wiped her eyes and sighed "I don't think I could ever fully forgive her either, for what she put me through."

Oh how my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest and stomped on. "Oh honey. I'm sure your mother would forgive you." I said, wiping away the tears that were now falling from my eyes. Seeing the pain and anger in her eyes really hurt. I had never realized just how much pain I had caused. I reached out and placed my arms around her, hugging her tight. "I am so sorry, Rose."

She sobbed into my shoulder "I miss her so much sometimes." She said through sobs. "The first time I looked at you, the night you held Carrie for the first time, I thought you were her."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and willed myself not to say anything, not yet. It was so hard. Holding my sobbing daughter in my arms and her not knowing who I am. I was still too afraid to admit that I was Ruth, her mother. The woman who had caused her so much pain. The person who was willing to sacrifice her only daughters happiness for money.

"I almost wished you had been her." She said as she pulled away, looking me in the face. "You look so much like her, it's almost unreal."

All my words were caught in my throat, not wanting to be released. I just nodded and patted her on the back.

"I really hope my mother is ok out there, wherever she is." Rose said, looking around at all the people and then back at me. "I hope she has found some kind of peace with herself and she isn't mourning me." She said.

I had to look away from her. I couldn't look at her in that moment. It hurt too much.

"You're probably wondering why I said I hope she isn't mourning me." Rose said "We were on the Titanic and I ran away from her and my fiance while the ship was sinking, to be with Jack."

"I don't mean to interrupt you two, again...but... This child has made a dirty nappy.." Grace said looking at me and then at Rose. "If you don't mind, I'll change her. We'll just go to the Diner and borrow their restroom.

"Oh no, that won't be necessary." Rose said holding her arms out to Carrie. "I'll go change her."

"Have it your way." Grace said laughing "We'll meet you in there if you'll grab us a table and lunch will be on me."

Grace and I watched Rose and Carrie walk towards the diner. Once they were inside Grace turned to me. "I take it you haven't told her the truth yet."

"Not yet." I said wiping the tears that sat in the corner of my eyes, away.

"Why are you crying." Grace asked.

"Just some of the things she said."

"Ruth.. You have to tell her the truth eventually. Rather sooner than later." Grace sighed leading me towards the Diner. "I'll be there for you, I'm your friend."

"I'll tell her soon, I promise."

We walked in the diner and found Rose and Carrie. I sat beside Carrie, in front of Rose, so I could see her beautiful face. Grace sat beside Rose, in front of Carrie so she could entertain her.

Today could make or break me. I was so anxious and terrified at the same time. What if she really wouldn't accept me back into her life? That would crush me and I wouldn't have any reason to go on.