Chapter 1

-Barad-dûr, Mordor-

The many pointed facets of the dark tower glinted in the torchlight as orcs moved about, forging weapons and carrying out the evil designs of their master Sauron. Two orcs in particular were headed towards the lowermost parts of the structure, where the dungeons held their newest prisoner.

Both orcs held jagged swords which had been stained with the blood of other orcs. Despite being lowly grunts in the pecking order of the orcs, neither of them were strangers to violence.

"Hey, did you hear they're serving tacos in the mess hall today?" the first one, Burz, asked.

"Are you sure? Because last time they said it was tacos, but they just chopped up Radnag and mixed him in with some tortilla chips," his companion, Lurz, responded.

"Oh, yeah, that's what happened to Radnag. I thought he got a transfer to Udûn."

"Nope."

The two orcs continued in silence for a while, until they reached the cell where the prisoner was being held.

Burz rattled the bars of the door. "Oi, you in there, freak?"

A bone was thrown in his direction. "Don't call us freak, orcses! It hurts our feelings!"

"Wait, us? How many of you are in there?"

"Just one," Lurz said. "He's got multiple personalities or something."

A pair of glowing eyes appeared in the shadows, and the creature known as Gollum crept closer to the door.

"Okay, well, all of his personalities are due for torture on level 253 in like, ten minutes, so let's get this moving." Burz opened the cell door and grabbed Gollum.

"Yeah, speaking of, the elevator's broken again."

"What the fuck?"

"And Lug and Bug invited me to go get tacos with them. So this one's on you. Bye!" Lurz walked away, breaking into a run as he turned the corner.

Burz made a mental note to recommend Lurz as taco meat.

-254 Flights of Stairs Later-

Burz dragged himself into the room using his orcish upper body strength, his legs having failed him many stairs ago. Gollum was waiting farther inside, trying to find anything in the room that was edible.

"We were waiting for you! Nasty slow orcses!"

Burz shakily gave him the middle finger.

Radlag, the torture orc, walked in, carefully stepping over the downed Burz. "The prisoner in here?"

Gollum screamed and began throwing random objects at Radlag.

"Yup."

"My fucking legs…" Burz groaned.

"Look, my grandma Mudbag always told me the best remedy for an injured body part is to just cut that shit off. She was down to just a torso and part of her neck when she told me that, and I have never seen that orc in pain in her life."

"You don't have an Icy Hot or something?"

"Nah, I'm more of a home remedy kind of guy." Radlag picked up an axe.

"Y-Yeah, you know what? I just remembered, I have a shift shoveling coal for the furnaces. Bye!" Burz stood up and booked it.

"Weenie." Radlag closed the door, then turned back to Gollum. "Now for the real fun…"

-Barad-dûr, Level 462-

"Which is better...A? Or B?"

"Hmm...show me A again."

The orc optometrist (orctometrist) sighed and flipped back to the giant lens labeled A.

"Yeah, no, I think I like B better."

The orctometrist nodded and scribbled something in his notes. "Well, Lord Sauron, it appears that while you have perfect 20/20 vision, your depth perception appears to be lacking. This could be due to any number of conditions, among them amblyopia, optic nerve hypoplasia, strabismus…"

"Or maybe it's because I only have one fucking eye."

"Or that, or that…"

"I don't even want these lenses for my eyesight. I need them so I can incinerate things that are really far away. Like an ant under a magnifying glass, except more awesome," Sauron said. "Then I'll be able to Death Star Minas Tirith."

Another orc ran up onto the top floor, breathing heavily. "My Lord Sauron! I have urgent news!"

"What is it?"

"Just give me a second.." The orc took out his inhaler and took a couple breaths from it. "Okay, it's about the prisoner. Radlag managed to get answers out of him, but he died from exhaustion climbing up to tell you. His final words were to pass on the message to me so I could tell you."

"I don't care, just get on with it. Do we know where the ring is?"

"All the creature would say in regards to that were the words Shire and Baggins."

If Sauron had had a chin, or hands, he would have rubbed his hypothetical chin with said hands. "Shire...Baggins…"

"Yeah, that's almost exactly what he said. Except with more screaming."

"Ready the Nazgûl immediately! They must go to Baggins and get this Shire person!"

The orc exchanged glances with the orctometrist. "Is that...I mean, I thought it was the other way around. Like 'Shire' sounds like more of a place."

"Baggins also kind of sounds like a place," the orctometrist said.

Sauron sighed. "Okay, you know what? Bring up the creature, I'll ask him myself."

The orc crossed himself as he trudged back over to the stairs. Moments later, a scream was heard followed by the sound of various orc body parts hitting the stairs at various intervals.

"He fell, didn't he?"

"Yup."

"Should we just wait for the elevator to get fixed?"

"...Yup."

-Post-Elevator Repair-

"Heed me, puny creature! What is the meaning of these names of which you speak: Shire and Ba—Shire and—for the love of god, would you stop screaming?"

"IT BURNS US, PRECIOUS! THE BRIGHT EYE BURNS US!"

The orctometrist slowly slid a pair of sunglasses onto Gollum's face, stopping the screaming. He turned to Sauron and shrugged. "He's got pupils the size of coins, what can I say?"

"Well, my pupil is the size of your whole body, and you don't see me screaming my head off every time I look at the sun."

"That's because the massive pollution in Mordor's skies have prevented a sighting of the sun for over three thousand years."

Sauron was silent.

"Nasty eyeballs! What does the slightly-less-bright-eye want with us?" Gollum hissed.

"Right. Explain to me the meaning of the words Shire and Baggins. And how do they relate to my ring?"

"THE PRECIOUS! BAGGINS STOLE THE PRECIOUS! WE HATES HIM FOREVER!"

"So Baggins isn't a place? Guess that messenger orc was right after all."

"He's dead," the orctometrist pointed out.

"Why are you still here?"

"We has an idea, precious!" Gollum said, turning away from Sauron. "We shows the bright eye the way to the Shire, uses his power as protection, and then we takes the ring for ourselves!" He stopped talking to himself and looked up at Sauron. "We shows you the way to Baggins!"

Sauron blinked, causing all of Mordor to go dark for a second. "You do realize you just...you know what? Great idea. Let's go to the Shire, and let's take the ring back from this Baggins guy. It's time I did something myself for once."

"Yay!" Gollum started doing a demented dance.

Sauron turned to the orctometrist. "You! Go get my armor and my mace. Call the Nazgul to Minas Morgul. And get me a large coffee, black. We're going on a quest."

If any of you can type the word "orctometrist" correctly in one try, I'll give you seven coins.

Anyway, welcome to my newest crackfic! I've already written another for LotR as well as one for The Hobbit and Sherlock. Feel free to check those out if you liked this one.

And as always, feel free to leave a comment letting me know what you thought of this chapter. Next time we will meet another member of the Fellowship of Evil, as they will probably eventually start calling themselves. Stay tuned!