Coda Epilogue: And Soon Comes Clarity

You saw me mourning my love for you,

And touched my hand.

I knew you loved me then. – 'Taking Over Me': Evanescence

The senior staff spend the majority of the next hour updating you on the events leading up to the gravimetric encounter and how they lost sight of the shuttle on sensors. You find yourself forcing a smile when Harry tells you how he came up with a way to send the Doctor and Tuvok down to the planet that avoided the intense storms.

You try not to dwell on the possibilities that result from the Doctor and Tuvok not making it in time to save her. It bears too much of a resemblance to the dreams you suffered from months ago.

To distract yourself, you think about Harry and you can't help but remember that wide-eyed boy who looked too young to even bear the rank of Ensign. You've always liked Harry, and you briefly remember your first meeting on the Ocampan planet that feels like a lifetime ago.

When Tom finishes the joke about your piloting skills – that joke he's been working on for hours – you force a laugh through unshed tears of anguish and then the mood in the room grows cold and sombre. Everyone can see through your façade.

People scurry off, bidding their "goodnights" and "see you laters" as they urge you to join them for a bit of dinner.

You decline.

The night watch rolls around, and you stay on the bridge. Neelix pops up, bringing coffee and armed with his arsenal of cheering up goodies. As expected, they fail.

Uncharacteristically, Neelix pats you on the shoulder, squeezing just a little.

"You're no good to her if you're too tired."

You know he is right, but at this moment in time, the bridge is the only place for you because the second you step into that turbolift, you are going to head straight down to sickbay and stay by her side. The guilt has been eating at you for months.

You've thought so many times about telling her, temporal prime directive be damned. But, something always stops you. It would force you both to acknowledge that there is something between the two of you, and that's a reality she can't face just yet.

He bids you farewell, chiding softly one last time about the need to rest. It's amazing how people always say that when they hand you a coffee intended to keep you awake for hours yet.

But, as Neelix's cheery face disappears behind the lift doors, his façade falls a little and you realise not for the first time that every member of this crew is feeling this too.

When you enter through sickbay doors, her eyes are open, staring at you and you're looking right back. You watch her silently, intrigued by the way she holds the cup so close to her lips. It's something you've found fascinating over the past few weeks aboard Voyager. The bruises on her cheeks have not yet been dulled by the dermal regenerator.

Without thinking, you suddenly blurt out what is on your mind. "Do you always drink this much coffee?"

"Do you make a habit of advising your commanding officer about their drinking habits?" Her answer is quick and sharp. It takes you by surprise. The cup falls away from her mouth.

You have the good grace to ignore her remark, and you glance down toward the standard grey carpet. You can feel her eyes on you, but you say nothing as she undoubtedly raises the cup again to her lips.

"You're awake," you whisper shakily. It's not the first time you've seen her so close to death, and it's not the first time she has seen you so close to throwing it all away. Emotions have always run high between you two.

She smiles, and shrugs her shoulders with infuriating nonchalance. It's way too cocky for someone who almost died a thousand times over by the hand of an alien intent on taking her away. And even though it irritates you, and causes you sleepless nights, that's how she's kept you all alive for three and a half years.

You feel yourself tremble a little as you step forward toward her bed. She struggles just slightly to sit up straighter, and you can see how much effort it takes her. You want to reach out to help her, but you hesitate because it's so hard to do what comes so naturally without dangerously overstepping those boundaries you've both worked so hard to maintain.

She offers a watered-down version of the smile she treated you with before, and gently, your hand slides into hers.

At last you breathe.

The loop has finally ended. Once again, the alien hasn't succeeded in drawing Kathryn Janeway into his Matrix.

For now.

She tells you about her fears, that maybe all the near-death experiences she's heard about have been the result of an alien inhabitation. You bite your lip and look away, because you know if you agree with her - confirm her suspicions - the whole, awful truth is going to come out.

Sooner or later, you're going to have to tell her that this wasn't her first encounter with the alien. That months ago, you relived the same two hours for weeks before you realised that she'd have to cheat death in order to break free.

You're going to have to tell her that you've spent every day of the last months looking over your shoulder and waiting for the alien to return. That you've kept a hypospray of the same drug the Doctor used to end her life hidden away because you knew that you'd have to use it again.

You've still been unable to form the words to tell her that in the heat of the moment, in the midst of a battle fought on a planet far from home, and in the darkness of her quarters minutes before she died, you shared a kiss – or three – that meant more to you than anything before.

You suspect she knows more than she lets on, though. She's read your report, albeit a modified version that doesn't violate the temporal prime directive and glosses over the details that are still so clear in your mind.

One day, when the parameters between you both are more defined, you'll tell her.

You swallow thickly, and the image of her under your hands flashes in your mind. Heat crawls up your neck, arousal mixed with anxiety and the fear you've been harbouring for months.

"Something you want to tell me?" she asks.

You smile slightly. "Not yet."

Hours later, under a holographic moon, your boat rocks quietly on the lake. She's quiet, leaning back into your shoulder with a sense of familiarity that hurts deep inside. The champagne that cost a fortnight's rations sits unopened on the shore.

Neither of you have been in the mood for celebrating, despite the earlier enthusiasm in her Ready Room. She's been glancing at you out of the corner of her eye for the better part of the last hour, but, she has yet to tell you what's on her mind.

You can guess, though, if her experience with the alien is anything like yours. Endless loops of death, and heartache. Of anxiety, and despair as you tried so desperately to breathe life back into her failing body.

Idly, you wonder how many times you can watch the person you love die, or try to save you, before it starts to affect your sanity.

"Penny for your thoughts?" you ask, and the vibrations of your voice echo throughout the stillness of the lake.

She shifts, ever so slightly, and a slender hand reaches out to find your own. Her fingers are cold, and they burn a little as the smooth over the rough skin on the back of your hand. She's quiet a moment longer, and you're just about to resign yourself to the fact that she's not going to share what's on her mind when she finally speaks.

"I saw you all," she says, quietly.

You figure she can detect the subtle change in your breathing as your body tenses, for she continues quickly.

"You, at first, and then later Tuvok and the Doctor. When you were trying to save me on the planet."

"Oh."

The tightness in your chest is back. Visions flash through your mind like an old movie reel that Tom once showed you. You can hear your own voce, pleading with her not to die. Not to leave you behind.

And you don't know what to say. For now, there is little doubt as to how you feel about this woman, and she knows it too. You still haven't told her though, as you both sail on Lake George, that this isn't the first time you've encountered the Alien. You don't tell her that you recognised the symptoms, and that's how the Doctor knew exactly what treatment to administer.

Confronting the reality behind the secret you carry is far worse. It means confronting the reality that you're protecting her from the dangers in this universe. That you care for her a great deal more than you're supposed to. And whilst you've lived with this knowledge for some time, she hasn't. She's not ready to let go of her past, and move forward.

So, for now, you'll keep that secret and channel the guilt that eats away at you into boxing, and late-night holodeck programs.

The voice that you thought had gone is back and screaming at you that next time you might not be able to save her. That next time, she's going to vanish into that abyss and there will be nothing you can do. But you push it away, and vow silently to yourself that you'll do whatever it takes to protect her from the cosmos, and all evil beings within it. That no matter what, you won't let her go.

She must sense the slight tension in your muscles, because suddenly she's speaking again and her husky voice emanates clearly across the chilly lake. Instinctively, you draw yourself closer to her, huddled into your side.

"I know it wasn't easy," she offers. Her fingers keep drawing idle patterns on the back of your hand. "But, thank you."

You look down to the way she's curled back into your shoulder, and the subtle moonlight catches the angled lines of her jaw.

"For what?" you ask.

Her head tilts a little to the side, and she glances up at you through starling blue eyes and dark lashes. "For saving me."

You swallow thickly, bringing your hand up to rest on the side of her face. Her skin is cool – a sign that you've both been out here too long – and the bones beneath your touch are delicate. You mean every syllable when you reply, and you channel everything you're not allowed to say to her into the one word that you breathe.

"Always."

a/n: I couldn't have finished this story without the help of Helen8462. Her tireless work as a beta is forever appreciated more than words can say.

Thank you to the wonderful Talsi who ran this competition over on Tumblr. Without it, we would be lacking in some fantastic JC Stories. Sabotages for this round will be posted once the judging is over.