His Slayer

Disclaimer: Joss owns Btvs and all characters from Ats.

A/N: Hi all. I have really been inspired of late and having read such great fics like: As the Romans Do and Harbringers of Beatrice. I felt it was absolutely necessary to update and attempt to finish this fic. Trying to accumulate chapters and post them as I will but we'll see. Thanks for all the emails and reviews that have encouraged me through my writer's block. It is truly appreciated and felt. So here you go. Enjoy. Skyz.

xxxxoooooxxxx

Chapter Twenty-Five:

"I should have seen this coming. Besides the fact that this isn't the way I wanted things to come to a head. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to protect the both of you. I'm not sure how this happened. I--we--will handle this and come to a conclusion as to why you've lost your strength."

Wesley felt as if he were talking too much and much too loudly. Talking about things there really wasn't a need for. They knew as he did that they would try and solve this problem. Whatever it was and figure out how it had happened.

"There's a reason," Buffy said as she finally roused herself from Spike's arms and rose to her feet. She was quick to look around and wipe off her bottom, no doubt trying to sense if there were any vampires about, and having no success.

Wesley felt extremely sorry for her.

She wiped at her eyesas she sniffed and then sighed loudly. She let her eyes meet Wesley's before she turned and held a hand out to Spike and pulled him to his feet.

"Of course there's a reason," Wes found himself saying once more.

"Look let's not talk about it here in the street," Spike muttered as his eyes swept the deserted street and his arm wrapped protectively around Buffy's shoulders.

"We can't go to Giles' he's not in the mood to deal with me. And I don't want to tell the others about this just yet. I need to…" Buffy trailed off and looked rather lost and pathetic, so much so that Wesley loathed even saying it. But it needed to be said.

"I thought you said um...your friends were taken? By the Initiative?" Wes asked slightly bewildered. So many problems all at once and he couldn't even begin to think where to start.

That had Buffy frowning and making as if to move off in the opposite direction and rescue them. But then it seemed she realized she had no powers and could be of absolutely no use.

"Deal with this first. Right then, off to my motel room. We'll discuss it and find a solution," Wes said more to himself than to them. He thought the more he repeated it then more he would believe it.

When no one contradicted him Wesley assumed that was what they'd do once they reached his motel room.

He was the first to move off and as he walked he stole glances over his shoulder at Buffy and Spike.

He hoped for the moment this was as bad as it got.

xxxxoooooxxxx

"A two for one special, huh?"

"Of sorts. Quid pro quo."

"Tit for tat."

"I scratch your back and you scratch my back."

"Good things will come of this, Oz. Once the Council is gone life here in merry ol' Britain will get a lot more interesting."

Oz glanced at Milo and smiled a smile that for him was as false as he could get. He wasn't certain that he was going to let that happen. He was aware of how the Council controlled things here and without them chaos would descend and Buffy couldn't be in two places at once.

But once he talked to Spike and Buffy and the rest of the gang about Milo's demands he hoped they would come up with a better plan than his. Which was basically stop the demons from taking over England and then the world.

"Actually… uh we want to get things started as soon as possible. We don't know when Maggie'll be here or if she's even keeping Tate alive."

Milo nodded along with him and Oz suspected that as he was doing Milo was also making plans to counter whatever plans he was making.

"Sure thing Oz. I'll head down now to get things started. You call up Spike and get him back here and we'll get this party started!"

Oz nodded his agreement and watched as Milo tossed him a jaunty wave and dashed off to blend back into the shadows.

He turned to face Rowan.

"Thoughts?" he asked carefully.

"Things are not going to go well. Let us return briefly to retrieve Spike."

"Remind me next time not to ask you your opinion," Oz said lowly as he followed after her.

xxxxoooooxxxx

Gathered together like pigs in a holding pin, the Scoobies were bunched together, and not at all happy.

"What the hell is going on here?" Faith demanded. She had taken to pacing the small confined space, until Giles had snapped at her, and then she'd stopped only to glare at him.

"What does it look like, Faith? We've been captured by the Initiative."

Faith glared even harder at Giles.

"What's the matter with you G-Man? I'm the one who's supposed to be complain'. Injured here. Listen, what do you think they want from us?"

"They probably want to torture us," Willow muttered and shuddered. "Because of what we did."

"Shhh," Xander hissed. "They could be listening. We don't want to incriminate ourselves."

Faith gave Xander a look before she responded to Willow's comment.

"I don't think that's gonna happen, Willow. They didn't mention Dr. Walsh to me so maybe it's not about her. Maybe we're being too dramatic about this shit," Faith announced with forced bravado.

Giles snorted and looked too amused for the situation.

"What the hell is shoved up your ass? Giles this is a serious situation! Buffy's not here so maybe she got away. Yeah. If she got away then it's up to me."

"Excuse my blasé attitude," Giles began stiffly. "But I don't see why I should be "rah-rah" about this. Buffy has invited this upon herself and thus us. It's because of her we're here."

"Who cares?!" Xander exploded whirling to face Giles and wincing in pain. "I don't give a damn whose fault this is! We're here and that's it. We need to get out of here and when we do I'm gonna see Buffy and we're gonna grieve like normal folk over the death of her mom. Remember her Giles? She trusted you to look out for Buffy and you're acting like a fool."

Giles showed no reaction to Xander's outburst and if possible looked even stiffer and colder.

"I guess we just wait to see what they want from us," Willow said to break the tense silence that had fallen after Xander's outburst.

"I'm pretty sure I can take them out, as long as they don't have weapons. Beat their asses and get us out of here."

Giles couldn't quite keep the skeptical look off his face as Faith said this and she turned to him in anger once more.

"What is wrong with you?" she asked, forcing her voice to be quiet and reasonable.

Giles looked away from her imploring gaze and felt a fool. He was bitter and angry and...tired. Just so tired of this.

"You don't see the overall big picture of this," he stated at last. Voice tired and strained. "I do. I've seen what Buffy bringing Spike willingly into our midst has done. Because of her actions her mother is dead, Buffy's life hangs by the balance, we are captives of a rogue military branch and Spike has brainwashed Buffy into thinking she loves him."

It was silent for a brief moment before Willow stepped forward and placed a hand on Giles's forearm.

He looked down at her and she smiled up at him.

"I'm not one with the Spike love but…this could have happened anyway Giles. You don't know if it wouldn't have. Well not the Spike-love thingy. Cuz that's just...ew. But Buffy and I would be at Sunnydale U and we might have run into the Initiative and it could have ended like this. And as far as Buffy not seeing the big picture I think she sees it better than any of us, except for Faith. Her mom is dead and I don't think you have the right to blame Buffy for doing this. She did what she thought was right."

"You're wrong. She didn't think. She just reacted in such a manner that it boggles my mind. All of this for Spike. What in God's name was she thinking?! To be so irresponsible and stupid? So utterly stupid that it makes me sick," Giles snapped out, completely ignoring Willow's words.

Xander moaned as he settled lightly against the wall and his shoulders took the brunt of his weight.

"I hate to say it G-Man but I think Will's right. On both counts. I mean I'm thinkin' with Buffy going to Sunnydale U anyway she would have found out about the Initiative sooner or later. Dr. Walsh is crazy and she could have caught Buffy when she was being all college girly and not paying attention. I mean she was a professor at the school! She could have done anything she wanted to Buffy and Buffy might not have known until it was too late. I think it's better this way. I know that it totally sucks that Joyce is dead but…I don't know. Don't ask me about the Spike thing cuz I'm still in denial about that. And I'd like to keep it that way preferably forever."

Willow sent Xander a grateful smile and he managed a wan one back. Faith leaned against the wall beside Xander and regarded the floor.

"Look," she began abruptly, "I don't give a fuck who B's doin' as long as she has ahold on Spike then that's five by five. Thing is you don't get to judge her, Giles. You don't know what it's like. You don't know how it is to be us. It's...not a fucking pretty thing and the stuff we carry around--well point is you don't get to judge her. You don't know what happened or how or whatever the hell, okay? Who's to say none of you wouldn't have done the same thing? Spike must have been in some kind of crazy shit! I mean have you seen the scars on his head? It's fucking called empathy and it made her do what she did. Deal with. Get over it and help me FIND A WAY OUT OF THIS DAMN PLACE!"

Her words were meant to get through to Giles but he did not hear them and when he turned his back on them Faith glared after him.

She turned from him after giving him the finger and muttering under her breath.

"Asshole."

"He's confused. I am too. He's her Watcher and I think he just might feel guilty," Willow put in as she moved closer to the other two.

"We all feel guilty but it's no use puttin' all the blame on B. We played our part. Maybe if we'd stayed outta it, kept away from the Initiative, then Joyce might be alive. Who knows? We all got something to feel guilty for. But we can't let it get us down. Not now. We gotta get outta here."

"Buffy will rescue us and save the day per usual," Xander said confidently.

Both of the girls sent him incredulous looks.

"She's kinda busy with grieving for her mom, Xan. She might not notice we're gone until it's too late. Plus Tate. She's got to be exhausted from her…well from her stay in the hospital. We can't just depend on the hope that she'll come and rescue us. Plus we have our very own Slayer. All ready and willing."

Faith smirked and nodded.

"So. When they come for us it might be we leave in a group or one by one. Don't know. But I'm gonna try and get the lay of the land before we try anything. Don't want to get us all killed. Once I think it's safe enough I'll start with the slayage and get us out of here."

"What makes you think that we're even still in California?" Giles asked coldly.

"Huh?"

"What makes you think that we're even still in Sunnydale? We were knocked out for quite a bit, Faith. We could be anywhere and here you are plotting escape and it could very well kill you all. We might be clear across America and with no money or ID how do you imagine you'll get anywhere?"

Faith ground her teeth together and clenched her fists. And it was by sheer force of will she did not let loose a string of curses, directed squarely at Giles. Could he be anymore of an ass? She suspected that he very well could and knew he'd better not if he didn't want her boot imprinted on his ass.

"Easily enough Jeeves. Breaking and entering isn't new to me. Break into a car, break into a house, still some one's credit card, and get the hell away from Dodge. And if we get 5-0 problems then I'll handle it. Wouldn't want your gentle sensibilities to be offended."

"Oh I'm not gentle," Giles murmured. He turned to face them and took a few quick steps forward. The stance of his body giving way to a dangerous edge and his tone echoed it. "Don't think you know me Faith or the reasons for what I do. I've done things you couldn't even begin to imagine and I do not fear you. You're a fool. A simpleton and to be in your presence makes one feel all the more superior. Do you even know whatempathy means?" he hissed as he stepped even closer, getting into her face.

Faith's face was working so hard she couldn't help the slight tremble that entered her lower lip or the slight shudder that shook her frame.

She was shocked and she knew she shouldn't have been. Giles wasn't her Watcher and she didn't need his respect or his friendship. She didn't need anything from him or anyone.

But that didn't mean she didn't want it.

Because God knew she did. But she hadn't known Giles could be cruel, be so cold and cruel and seem to enjoy it. The words coming from him made it even worse. So much worse.

"That's enough. Shut up Giles. No one was talking to you! How can you talk to her like that? She's our friend and has more than proven herself to us. I can't believe you said that! That was...that was just cruel and uncalled for! Go! Get away from us," Willow half yelled as she reached out and placed a hand on Faith's shoulder, keeping it there even when she tensed up.

Giles smirked as he took big exaggerated steps back from them and turned once more with his back to them.

"Man he's changed," Xander mumbled as he moved closer to the girls and he too rested a hand on Faith's shoulder.

"I'm okay," Faith muttered.

"Sure," Xander agreed looking unconvinced.

"I know you are," Willow said as well.

They stood in tense silence as they all tried not to look each other in the eyes and Faith tried to be okay.

Because they all knew she was far from being okay.

xxxxoooooxxxx

Quentin Travers had had one bloody time of it. Dodging demons and vampires that roamed rather freely while trying to get back to the Council headquarters.

It was appalling and disgusting that the Council did nothing to stop them and he was enraged.

Not entirely enraged enough to engage any of the vile creatures he encountered though.

He had hoped to get back to his flat but thought perhaps Maggie had people there and would be waiting for him. Just thinking about her had him grinding his teeth and growling under his breath.

He hated that stupid bitch and wanted her dead, but not before he gained control of the Council once more. He had hesitated in going to any of the other Council members' homes and approaching them. They might have been brainwashed by Maggie's cohorts and if that were the case he would find no one with any God given sense.

So he took to the alleys and then when he neared Headquarters he entered the secret access tunnel that led to the bowels of the Council. Once in the tunnel he gagged at the sewage smell that assaulted his nose.

"What are you doing here?"

He jumped at the voice and stupidly stared around as he hadn't thought to bring any form of light with him.

"Who's here?" he demanded trying for an authoritative voice.

"It's us," another voice piped up and Quentin looked about wildly. Where in the bloody hell were they?

"Who is us? Council members?"

"No you dingbat Rowan and Ozzy," Rowan snapped as a ball of light began to form and light appeared blinding him briefly.

"Don't call me that," Oz said as he and Rowan stopped a few feet from Quentin. "Who is he?" Oz asked jerking his chin in Quentin's direction.

Rowan regarded Quentin as he straightened and blinked owlishly at them.

"This is the head of the Council of Watchers. Quentin Travers. Now again I ask, what are you doing here?"

Quentin made himself clear his throat and once he'd let his eyes flick over the both of them in contempt, he spoke.

"I am here to seize control back into the hands of the Council," he spat arrogantly and couldn't help the slight smirk that appeared.

He watched in suspicion as Rowan and the smallish boy shared a look that only they obviously understood.

Immediately he began to think of why they would be here, in these tunnels, and how in the hell had they known about them? He wondered angrily. Only Council members were to be in the know.

"Well it's going to have to wait, Quentin," the boy, Ozzy, spoke slowly. Almost lazily.

Quentin peered at him and narrowed his eyes.

"What did you say?" he demanded, his tone indicating disbelief and a wealth of contempt. How dare this boy tell him he would have to wait to do what he had every right to do?

"I said it will have to wait. We've got something going down in the next few days and if you do that you will be in our way. Wouldn't want that would we?"

"Why you little-"Quentin began lifting his hand threateningly.

"Stop. Like Ozzy said it'll have to hold. We're trying to find Spike's boy and we're pretty sure one way or another Maggie will be coming back here. And once she does it's off with her bleedin' head!"

"How dare you! How dare you stand here an-"

"Be still," Rowan snapped and waved her hand red magic flowing from her fingers.

Quentin let out a little scream as it engulfed him and he struggled futilely as it encased him in a solid shell.

Rowan stepped forward and slowly circled Quentin's encased form.

"Is he...dead?" Oz asked mildly curious as he too began to circle Quentin.

"No," Rowan murmured lowly, "see how his eyes are rolling about? He's alive and will be for the foreseeable future. Now we need to move him."

"Where?"

"Away from these tunnels. Soon enough they'll be filled with demons and whatnot. Wouldn't want him to become a meal for any of them. Don't need that on my mind ," Rowan said with a cackle.

"Back to our place?"

"No. We'll just dump him somewhere and be done with it. Some out of the way place and when we're finished with this I'll release him from his trap. Come on lad pick him up and let us be on our way."

"I'm not picking him up. I couldn't carry him! That must weigh a ton."

"You're a werewolf, boy. Use your strength!"

"I'm...not very strong when I'm normal," Oz muttered lowly.

"What?" Rowan barked and cocked her head to the side. She stared at him aghast.

Oz shifted slightly under her scrutiny and felt blood rush into his face.

"That's just not right," Rowan muttered. "All werewolves have strength whether in wolf form or human. You're saying you don't. And next I suppose you'll tell me you only turn into a werewolf when the moon's full."

He nodded speechless at her words.

Rowan arched one brow and clucked her tongue in displeasure. She glanced at Travers and then back to Oz.

"Well," she said at last. "Well. That's just not right. Don't you have a teacher? A pack?"

Oz shook his head.

"Well. I'm rather speechless myself. It's a good thing you're here then, boy. Seems you don't know diddly about what you are and what you can do. I've got contacts and I'll set you straight."

With that said she gave him a nod and with a wave of her hand Quentin's form rose and hovered in the air.

"Come along Ozzy. We still have to get back to Sunnydale and talk to Spike. Think he'll be surprised to see us?"

Oz finally followed after her and spoke.

"I…uh. Well thanks. I'd um…really like your help. Thanks."

"To tell you the truth I like you Ozzy. I'm happy to help."

xxxxoooooxxxx

Not much was said on the way back to Wesley's and to be truthful there wasn't anything to say.

Spike kept a close watch on Buffy sure that at any moment she might erupt and do something destructive to herself. He couldn't allow that and hoped once they reached Wes's and sat down this could all be sorted out.

Wes let them into his motel room and started to babble once more and Spike ignored him as he settled Buffy down onto the bed, where she sat stiffly with her hands folded in her lap.

"Can we get some water, Wes?" he asked abruptly as he turned to face the Watcher and made himself soften a little from his abrupt tone. "We could do with some water, mate."

Wes nodded eagerly and with one worried look at Buffy took the opportunity to flee.

"You didn't have to make him leave," Buffy said after a moment, lifting her eyes to his.

Spike shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on the balls of his feet.

"Sure I did. We've got to talk and he doesn't need to hear this part," Spike replied calmly as he watched her look away from him and back at her hands.

"Well go ahead and talk."

Spike pursed his lips and made a small sound in the back of his throat. He had wanted Wes out so they could talk about personal things and now that they were alone words seemed to be failing him.

"You want to talk about how this is your fault, right?" Buffy asked and looked back up at him.

Smiling slightly.

He swallowed uselessly against the lump in his throat and nodded.

"But I already know that Spike. This is your fault and my fault," she admitted. "I can think of a thousand different things that I shouldn't have done and yet unthinkingly did. Right now I can't think. I can't feel anything but the pain."

Spike moved and took a seat beside her. He reached out and placed his hand over hers.

"I know all about pain luv. Can't rightly say I know what you're feelin' with your mum, but to know your helpless and there's nothing you can do about it? I know what that feels like and it...hurts."

He felt Buffy turn and look at him before he felt her lips brush across his cheek and she leaned into his side.

"Right about now I should be leading the charge in rescuing my friends. But I can't. I don't feel up to doing anything. It's all catching up with me, Spike. I can feel it, moving through me, weighing me down. I can see this overtaking me and once it does...I'll be gone forever."

Hearing her say those words felt like a death blow. She wasn't giving up but she was bloody close to it. She'd had so much to deal with in such a short amount of time that it was a wonder she was still standing. She needed a break but she wasn't going to get one. They still had things to attend to.

"Mustn't talk like that luv. You're gonna get through this and I know you can. You'll deal with all of this and be the better for it."

He believed the words as much as he was capable of. He wanted her to come out the better but that didn't mean she would. She could let this all consume her no matter what he did to prevent it and she would be lost to him and the world.

It scared him to think that she could be gone from his life when he'd only just found her. She was his key to living and with her gone he wasn't sure that even for Tate if he could go on to survive it.

"It's nice that you think so," Buffy mumbled as she rested her head on his shoulder. "Some one should have faith."

He wanted to shake her then. To demand that she stop talking as if she were already dead. She was not and would not die on his watch.

"There's an obvious reason for the lose of your powers Buffy."

That garnered him somewhat of a reaction. This was the slight stiffening of her body next to his.

"How do you think Drusilla became pregnant?" Spike asked carefully.

"Oh the usual way. Kidnapped and artificially inseminated by force. With your stolen sperm and then-- along came baby!"

Her humor was alive, he thought, at least that was still intact.

"True enough. But no listen here, pet. In order to make this work Maggie had to seep the vampire traits right out of Drusilla. When you were sick and your organs were shutting down it was because of the drugs. I'm of the mind that since the drugs were made to restart Drusilla's nervous system, when the drugs entered yours it automatically shut down, because it was designed for a vampire. But see here's the thing; I think she might have put something else in the mix on account of you being a Slayer. Something that took your powers from you. The drug had the opposite effect on you. Shutting down your nervous system and I don't think it would have taken your strength. That would only happen if you were a vampire."

He paused to see if she was getting any of this and was made certain of that when she nudged him to continue.

"Once we find Maggie we can see what's really wrong with you and we'll make her fix you up proper. How does that sound?"

Buffy moved abruptly away from him and rose to her feet. She wrapped her arms around her middle and shook her head.

"Maggie sure knows how to ruin a girl's life," she muttered bitterly. "I want to kill her. I really want to hunt her down and make her hurt. Make her bleed. I never used to be this blood thirsty but...I need to see her suffer. How can she live with herself? Doing the things she does?" she wondered aloud and Spike had no answers.

He didn't know why Maggie Walsh did the things she did. Only that she seemed to thrive on bringing pain and torment onto others for the benefit of furthering her scientific findings.

He glanced at his hands and then rather helplessly around the room. What could he say to make her understand that this wasn't all her fault? How could he help her when his guilt was eating him from the inside out? She would blame herself because it was her way and he couldn't help her overcome that.

But he could help her get through this by being by her side, offering her comfort, and stepping aside when needed.

He rose to his feet and moved towards her.

She turned to face him and the look in her eyes, filled with so much pain, had him capturing her in a tight hug and settling his mouth over hers. He couldn't do much for her but he certainly could make her feel better.

It entered his mind that sex really wasn't a good thing to be having, not when she was emotionally and physically exhausted, but she didn't seem to be complaining.

Nope not when herarms were winding their way around his neck and anchoring his mouth to hers.

They didn't really have to have sex, he thought, they could just...be like this.

"You're thinking too much," Buffy murmured as she eased back brushing her lips along his jaw line. "Stop it," she issued as she moved her face so that she could nuzzle his throat and when her lips parted and she licked a path down his jugular and then she bit down, he absolutely stopped thinking.

He felt a rumbling growl start deep down and he tightened his arms around her all the while moving them, stumbling to the bed.

Eyes wide Buffy grinned at him as he growled and dumped her down onto the bed, following her down, resting his weight on his forearms, while he splayed himself over her.

His hands slid beneath her shirt and trailed over her stomach in a maddening slow pace. He nibbled at her lips and grinned when she let out her own growl.

"Hurry up."

"S'not nice to be so impatient, luv," he told her as he took his time unbuttoning her blouse and parting the folds.

She rolled her eyes and leaned up kissing him hard. Not waiting for him to play anymore games with her. She let her tongue slide over his as he opened his mouth and let her hands slide beneath his t-shirt.

Impatient she began to tug at it and when he began to pull away she latched onto his bottom lip and bit down gently. He pulled all the way back grinning down at her.

Panting lightly he ripped the t-shirt over his head and tossed it aside with wild abandon before he swooped back down his mouth attacking her neck.

She moaned lightly as he bit and sucked a path down her throat, his tongue sneaking out as he lightly traced her collar bones.

She shifted slightly lifting her hips and dragging her nails down his back, making him growl and thrust his pelvis down.

"Love you Slayer," she heard him growl as his hands went to her chest, gently kneading her covered breasts.

"Oh, my good Lord!"

Wesley's voice was loud and abrasive as it echoed around them. Like a bucket of cold water had been doused on them they both froze.

"This is not the time for sex! How could you even think it was?" he demanded as he stepped fully into the room and shut the door behind him.

He looked hurriedly away as Spike rolled off of Buffy and jumped to his feet.

Buffy closed her eyes before she too rose and gave a small smile to Wesley.

"Um...excuse my earlier exclamation," Wes muttered as he turned his back.

"Well...I guess you're right. This really isn't the time for sex. Or for anything else but getting all our missing back," Buffy mused as she did up the buttons on her shirt.

"Though it would have been great," Spike said with a smirk as he shrugged back into his t-shirt.

Wesley cleared his throat and turned to face them both, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

"Must you speak that way in front of me?" he demanded as he ran agitated hands through his hair and shook his head. Hands suspiciously free of water or any kind of beverage, Buffy noted.

Spike took a moment to glance at both Watcher and Slayer before he grabbed hissmokes out of his pocket along with his lighter.

"'Scue me for a bit," he said before he slipped past Wes and out the door.

Buffy hesitated a moment in indecision and then thinking better of it decided not to go out after him.

She glanced quickly at Wesley and despite herself she rather resented that he'd interrupted them, even though it was his motel room.

She had just wanted for one moment to forget and for one brief moment she had. She was used to pain and had survived it before but this...well this was completely different from any pain she'd ever felt before.

This wasn't like when she'd killed Angel to save the world. No she'd felt it and mourned him and had wallowed. She'd ached with it and had thought she wouldn't survive it. But she had and he'd come back and still she hurt, because there could be no going back to that innocent stage between them.

Where he was her prince and he would always be there for her.

She had died and survived and now…

She wasn't prepared for the pain that just thinking about her mother's death felt like. Knocking her breath from her lungs and making her heart beat in a frenzy of screaming rage.

If just the thought of it hurt like that, then how would it feel when she was done with the fighting and done with the searching and vengeance, and she was left alone with her grief and her rage?

It was eating at her even when she tried not to think about it. When she tried to think about Tate. When she tried to think about her dream and what it might mean. About the failings of her powers and every other thing that was happening to her and her friends. All roads led back to her mom and Maggie and the murder of her mom.

The murder of her mom.

The sentence was a mantra in the back of her skull and would not leave her in peace.

Maggie was such a…

She was going to kill her. It startled her in its certainty and how little it disturbed her. She was ready and willing to commit murder and not even feel an ounce of guilt for it.

"Brooding?" Wes asked and it earned him a glare. He merely smiled softly in response. "Not that it's not well deserved. Would you like to talk? Scream?"

A humorless laugh emerged and she flopped back onto the bed with a groan.

"I could. I should. I will. But at the moment I want to have a little peace. But see? That's not going to happen. Got friends kidnapped, a baby to save, doctor's to kill, etc. Peace I'm afraid will come only when I'm dead."

Wes flinched and she felt sorry for having said it, but she felt it deep down in her bones, that her rest would come when she was no longer a Slayer. And that meant she'd be dead. Because how could it come? When she always had things to kill and a world to save and demons wanting her dead everyday?

She was going to die and she almost had, not even two days ago, and her mother was dead and…

All roads led back to her.

Mom.

Her face contorted and she squeezed her eyes shut tighter to stave off the tears and clenched her teeth to tether the scream that clogged her throat.

She needed to keep calm and rational. She'd had her brief bit of insanity when she burned down her house.

It hit her then.

That she had burned down her house.

Her mom's house.

She was...she was absolutely damaged, her brain should be mush, and she was such a fucking idiot!

Idiot!

She'd destroyed everything she had of her mom's and had thoughtlessly done it in a fit of rage.

Stop it, the voice was harsh and cold and she recognized it as her very own.

She shook her head and ignored it.

What good is this? You didn't think. You never seem to think and that's what gets you into trouble. And your friends. But it doesn't matter. It's over and done with. Mom is dead and you're still here. Grieve and wallow and rage but do it later. When all is said and done and you can do it proper.

You have to be the Slayer in this Buff. Or else this is gonna kill you and thus me. Can't have that can we? 'Sides Spike's here for us and he'll help us. He's the only one who understands this and he's all you have left.

"I saw my mom." She blinked when the words escaped but kept going needing to get this out. "When I woke up. She was there. A ghost. Talking to me and just...there. Freaked me out. But kinda in a good way. Made for a major wiggin' but still… And then she was gone and she came back tonight and told me my friends had been kidnapped and that's who I was talking to. I guess I'll see her until this is all over. Then she'll be gone. Or it could just be my imagination or I'm just crazy. What do you think?"

She sat up and looked over at Wesley who was staring blankly at her.

"Buffy I don't know what to say. I don't think you're crazy. I don't think I could. You're like nothing I've ever known. You have such strength and courage and…"

He looked as if he were about to cry and he looked quickly away even as he wiped at his eyes.

It touched her.

Zoomed past her pain and her anger and self hatred to lodge in her heart and stay there.

Whatever this path had brought be it death, or sorrow or pain...this was one thing she couldn't regret.

Wesley was dear to her already and she'd known him for only a short while, but even still he was dear to her.

"You're a good friend Wes. More than I deserve," she sighed heavily and got up and slowly walked to him and wrapped her arms around his back.

He stiffened slightly before he relaxed and let her hug him.

"Tryin' to steal my girl, Wesley?" Spike's amused voice followed his entrance back into the room.

Wes hurriedly pulled away from her and whirled to face Spike.

"No! No. I would never—she's much too young and I'm—"

"He's joking. So um...question? There's not by any chance some magical formula that takes a Slayer's powers from her is there?" she asked half jokingly-half serious.

Spike strode up to her and she glanced at him, noting the lack of cigarette smoke lingering on him. She narrowed her eyes a moment and when his eyes met her's she saw the ghost of a smile flash across his lips.

He bent down and let his lips brush her forehead.

"Thought you might need a...fatherly chat and whatnot," he muttered before he wrapped his arms around her for a brief hug.

He seemed to need to reassure himself that she was still with him and returned his feelings just as deeply as he did.

She let herself savor the hard strength of him and his scent. Something subtly distinct mixed with cigarette smoke and something that was so utterly Spike she couldn't help but love him.

The comfort he brought her was considerable and welcomed wholeheartedly on her part. Without him here she wasn't sure she'd be able to even function. In fact she knew she wouldn't have been able to. It was him and him alone that was keeping her upright and functional.

"Er...um could you repeat that?" Wes asked hoarsely.

Buffy's attention turned sharply to him and she pulled from Spike's embrace abruptly.

"What is it?" she demanded as she approached his frozen form.

Wes shook his head and then glanced about the room helplessly.

"What is it?" Buffy repeated again her voice holding an urgent tone.

"The Council."

It seemed it was all he could say.

"Bloody fuck," Spike exploded and the violence in that one statement had Wesley taking one very large step back. "M'not gonna hurt you. But dammit what the hell were you lot thinkin'? Lettin' something like that be created so it could be used to destroy your Slayers? My Slayer? What the fuck did Maggie give her?!"

His voice vibrated through the room when he was finished and it was Buffy herself who broke the silence. She reached out and placed a calming hand on Spike'schest as she spoke.

"Explain, please."

Wesley literally shook himself back together as he bit his lip and then nodded.

"Cruciamentum. It's a test for Slayers that achieve their 18th birthday. They're disabled and then trapped with a very deranged and dangerous vampire. If they kill the vampire then they pass the test. The Council made a cocktail of sorts from an organic compound of muscle relaxants and adrenal suppressants. It drains a Slayer's strength and leaves them helplessly human in their strength. You--well Giles-- would have been giving it to you on your birthday."

It was such an utterly ridiculous thing to hear that it took her a moment to comprehend it all. Because clearly she was just slow. Completely slow because it sounded like he'd said the Council had drugs that relieved a Slayer of her powers, where she was then forced to fight a vampire--no a mean crazy vamp--and if she lived then she'd get her powers back?

By the low rumbling growls Spike was putting out she knewWesley had told her exactly that. And so much more. She'd been due that test on her birthday and Giles would have been the one to give it to her.

"Would I have known?" she finally found her voice to ask.

Wes shook his head.

"No. It would be a total surprise to you and Giles wouldn't have been able to tell you what was happening to you. He would have had to let you go and face your fate alone and helpless."

"There a way to fix this?" Spike ground out and it seemed it was all he could do from erupting in fury.

She replaced her hand with her arms as she hugged him, willing him to calm down, even though it was nice to know he was as pissed about this as she was.

"Yes," Wes avoided her gaze and looked down at his hands. "Though it would be back at Council headquarters. And Maggie would have manipulated the drugs to suit her purposes. I don't know what she gave you and I'm not sure our cure will...actually cure you."

It should have been devastating news. All she knew now was being The Slayer and fighting the good fight until the inevitable day she died again because of it. She'd often thought of being a normal girl once more and now that that future was yawning before her she could barely think on it.

But the news did not devastate her. She barely felt it as it merged into the never ending pain that seemed to be her these days. One more thing to add to the list of things that had gone completely screwy.

She rested her forehead against Spike's chest and let that settle into her consciousness. She could be stuck like this. A mere human.

She wouldn't be able to kill Maggie.

"I don't accept that. There has to be a way to fix this and if Maggie has the answers then she's gonna give them to me. Slayer strength or not. She's going to pay for everything she's done to me and mine. Don't look so despondent Wesley. I don't have the strength emotionally to blame you or the Council for this. Even though it is the Council's fault for having such a drug at their disposal. I've said it before and I'll say it again. She's dead and she doesn't even know it."

Spike's arms tightened around her.

"Got that right," he echoed.