Identity

Today was a mistake. This whole thing was one huge, stupid mistake. Barry shouldn't even be out of bed, let alone at work. Joe had done everything he could to try to convince Barry to stay home. He even tried the alarm clock thing again, but Barry had been one step ahead of him, setting a backup alarm on his cellphone.

He looked so exhausted, dead on his feet as he got dressed and combed his hair before work. The circles under his eyes looked darker than ever, and Barry didn't so much walk into the CCPD as he did shuffle. Joe had to refrain himself from escorting Barry to his lab, his stomach twisting with worry as he watched Barry titer sluggishly up the stairs.

He really shouldn't be here.

Joe had reluctantly promised to give Barry space once they were at work, but that was a lot easier said than done. Barry had spent his entire weekend in bed. He had only just started to feel better last night, and even then, he was still feeling terrible. Barry didn't belong at work right now. He shouldn't even be on his feet.

"Joe," Barry groaned when Joe walked into his lab, "It hasn't even been an hour yet."

"I know, I know," Joe sighed, "I just wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help. A lot of cases stacked up this weekend, and I wanted to know if there was anything I could do to take some of the work load off your hands."

"You're a detective, Joe," Barry said needlessly, "This is CSI work—my work—and I intend to finish it on my own."

"Still," Joe persisted, "If you need any samples from the field, I can get them for you. I don't want you leaving the precinct today."

"That's half my job," Barry groaned, "And in some ways, it's my favorite part. I like going out in the field, Joe."

"I know you do," Joe sighed, "But I'd feel a hell of a lot better if you just stayed in your lab today."

"Well, I might not have that luxury," Barry pointed out, "If I get called out, I can't just refuse to go to a scene. I'm sorry, Joe, but it's out of my hands."

"Not once we tell the captain," Joe said gently, "We're telling him today, and once he knows the circumstances, I'm sure he'll call in another CSI to go to the scenes for you."

Barry let out a heavy sigh and rubbed his eyes.

"I don't need help," he said in a small voice, "I'm perfectly fine."

"You're sweating," Joe said sadly, "And you look really pale, Bar. Honestly, I'm nervous just to have you up and walking around right now."

"I'm not made of glass," Barry persisted, "I'm just a little tired, that's all. It's not like I'm going to keel over any minute."

Joe took a deep steadying breath, biting his tongue. That's exactly what Barry looked like. He looked like he was ready to drop at any moment. His hands were shaking terribly, and his skin was pale and clammy. Joe wondered if Barry even realized how dreadful he really looked.

"Barry, please don't do this," Joe urged, "Please don't push yourself too hard because you feel like you have to…prove something. It's okay to admit that you're sick."

"I'm not trying prove anything," Barry insisted, "I'm just trying to do my job. I want to do my job."

"You want things to be normal," Joe corrected sadly, "But they're not, Bar, no matter how much you want to deny it."

"I know my limits," Barry insisted, "I know how much I can handle."

"Says the guy who barely slept for two months as he singlehandedly tried to rebuild the city after the singularity."

"The singularity that I caused," Barry retorted, "I'm just trying to be responsible for my actions, Joe."

"You didn't cause that singularity," Joe said, shaking his head, "Eddie did, when he erased Thawne from existence. You had no control over what happened."

"But I should have," Barry gritted, "I should have had control over the situation, just like I should have had control over what happened with Zoom."

"I thought you were going to let that go, Bar," Joe said seriously.

"I am," Barry insisted, "I've accepted Jay's death. But this, my job, it's the one thing I still have control over, the one responsibility I'm still able to fulfill. Don't take that away from me."

"Your responsibility is to yourself right now," Joe corrected, "To your health. If you're not going to do it for yourself, then do it for the city. The city needs you, Bar. It needs you to be healthy, so take care of yourself."

"I am taking care of myself," Barry insisted, "I'm doing everything you say, Joe. I ate a full meal last night and this morning, and I'm telling the captain about my condition today even though I really don't want to. I'm doing everything you guys are telling me to, but this, this is something I'm not budging on. I need this. It's not just about responsibility. I need this for my own sanity. I need to be something more than just sick right now."

"I'm not stopping you from being a CSI," Joe said sadly, "All I'm asking is that you don't go out to crime scenes. I'm not trying to take anything away from you, Bar."

"No, the cancer is," Barry said bitterly.

Joe closed his eyes and took a deep breath before putting a hand on Barry's shoulder.

"I know this is hard," he said gently, "But you have to deal with this, Barry. You can't just ignore it. You're not alone in this. We're all here to support you. I wish there was more I could do to help you feel better, but I can't. All I can do is make sure you're taken care of. That's my only role here."

"This isn't about how I feel, Joe," Barry said in a strained voice, "It's about who I am."

Joe's eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he tried to understand what Barry was trying to say. Barry let out a heavy sigh before continuing.

"I'm not trying to deny that I'm sick," he assured him, "I've accepted it, and I am dealing with it. I just…I don't want cancer to define me. I don't want to just be sick. I…I want to be Barry Allen."

Joe's stomach clenched when he finally understood what Barry was saying.

"I don't see you that way, Bar," he choked, tears filling his eyes, "I don't think you're weak. You're the strongest man I know, and I still see you as the same old Barry I've always known. Nothing—no illness or powers or anything else—can change that."

Barry nodded and wiped his eyes as he looked at the floor.

"Hey," Joe said, causing him to look up again, "Do you remember what I said to you last year? After you got your powers?"

Barry's eyebrows furrowed slightly as he shook his head. Joe gave him a sad smile.

"I said the world may need the Flash," he said quietly, "But I need my Barry Allen. You'll always be Barry first to me, before anything else. Before being the Flash and before being sick. That's never going to change, Bar."

Barry sucked in a shaky breath and nodded, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

"Thank you, Joe," he whispered.

Joe gave him a sad smile before pulling him in for a hug.

He would always be Barry to him.

"Ramon."

Cisco jumped about a mile and sucked in a sharp breath. The gadget he had been holding made contact with the floor a moment later, shattering to pieces.

"Jesus, Harry!" Cisco yelped, "What'd you do that for?!"

"All I did was say your name," Harry said, rolling his eyes in exasperation.

"I swear you creep up on people just as much as the old Wells did," Cisco said, clutching his heart in annoyance.

"I think you're being just a tad overdramatic, Ramon," Harry scoffed, "You're the one being sketchy here."

"Sketchy?" Cisco huffed, "How am I being sketchy?"

"You're being skittish," Harry accused.

"I'm not skittish," Cisco denied, perhaps a little too quickly, "What makes you say I'm being skittish?"

"Okay, I know I'm not the greatest when it comes to social cues and all, but I'm still observant, Ramon. It doesn't take a genius to notice you haven't been your usual annoying, talkative self lately."

"Barry has cancer," Cisco said flatly, his stomach clenching momentarily as the words left his lips, "Forgive me for not being as chipper as usual."

"It's more than that," Harry insisted, stepping closer to him, "You know something."

"What?" Cisco said, averting his eyes, "What do you mean? I don't…"

"You vibed him, didn't you?" Harry pressed, "You vibed Barry."

Damn. Harry was observant. Cisco stared at him for a moment, his mouth a thin line as he took a deep breath through his nose.

"Yes," he whispered, "I vibed him."

"What did you see?" Harry pressed.

Cisco shook his head, desperately trying to blink back the tears forming in his eyes.

"It doesn't matter," he said quietly, "It was a future vibe. That's means it's not fixed. It could change yet."

Harry gave Cisco a knowing look with these words.

"Does Barry succumb to his illness?" he asked quietly, "Does the cancer kill him?"

Cisco gritted his teeth as he quickly shook his head.

"That's not going to happen."

"But it's what you saw," Harry pressed, "You saw Barry's death, didn't you?"

"I don't know what I saw," Cisco said in a strained voice, "Everything was all happening at once. Barry wasn't…dead, he…his heart was…"

Cisco took in a deep, shaky breath.

"He's going to get worse," he whispered, "He's going to get so much worse, Harry."

Harry nodded slowly and looked down at the floor in thought.

"Barry's strong, though," Harry said quietly, "He's a fighter. He's going to make it through this."

Cisco shook his head, his jaw locked as a lump formed in his throat.

"He's going to give up," he choked, tears forming in his eyes.

Harry blinked at him.

"What?"

"Barry, he…he's going to give up," Cisco whispered, "He's going to stop fighting."

Harry stared at him a moment before stubbornly shaking his head.

"No," he said firmly, "No, he's not. If there's one thing I admire about Barry, it's his resilience. He's a fighter. He wouldn't stop trying."

"But he will," Cisco choked, "It's going to be too much for him, and he's going to stop accepting treatment. That's what I saw. In my vibe, Barry wanted to give up. He didn't want us to try to save him. He was too weak, too sick, to keep going."

"So we'll make sure he doesn't reach that point," Harry said simply, "We won't let him get that bad."

"How?" Cisco demanded, "How are we supposed to do that? How are we supposed to change the future when we're already doing everything we can to cure him?"

"Ramon," Harry said seriously, "The future is already in flux now. Just by seeing the future, your decisions and actions will now be impacted by what you saw."

Cisco shook his head, gritting his teeth.

"We don't know if it works that way," he choked, "For all we know, the future is fixed and there's nothing we can do to change it."

"You're right," Harry sighed, "But we can't afford to think that way. All we can do is hope that the future can be changed and do whatever we can to prevent it."

Cisco nodded and stared down at the floor.

"Are you planning on telling anyone?" Harry asked after a moment, "Are you going to tell the others what you saw?"

"I don't know," Cisco replied in a strained voice, "I wasn't planning to. I didn't see the point in crushing everyone's hope. At the same time, though, maybe it could…spare Barry some pain…knowing ahead of time what's going to happen."

"Are you saying he should give up?" Harry asked in hard voice, "That he should just quit now and not put himself through all these treatments?"

"I don't know what I'm saying," Cisco choked, "I guess I'm thinking…maybe Barry could just enjoy the time he has left."

Harry nodded slowly, looking away in thought.

"Maybe you're right," he muttered.

Cisco took in a shaky breath and shook his head.

"You're supposed to disagree with me," he choked, "You're supposed to tell me I'm stupid for even thinking that. That we need to make sure Barry keeps fighting."

"I can't say that, Ramon," Harry said quietly, "Because I see both sides of what you're saying. I can't tell you what to do with this information because…I don't know what to do."

Cisco let out a shaky breath and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"Please keep this between us," he said quietly, "Don't tell the others about my vibe."

"So you're not going to tell them?" Harry asked gently.

"I don't know yet," Cisco choked, "I just need time…to think it over."

Harry nodded and put a hand on his shoulder, the two of them sharing a look of understanding for a moment before Harry sighed and walked away.

Cisco knew what they were both thinking.

Barry didn't have much time to spare.

Barry couldn't tell if he was sweating from the fever that had been gradually rising all morning or if it was from nerves. He was almost certain, though, that it was a combination of the two. He knew he had to do this, and he walked with Joe in resignation, wanting to just get this conversation over with.

"Come in," Singh's voice said when Joe tapped on the door.

Joe squeezed Barry's shoulder and gave him an encouraging nod before he opened the door. Barry didn't know why he was so nervous as he and Joe stepped into the small office. It wasn't like Singh was family. Telling him wasn't nearly as scary as telling Joe had been, and he didn't get anywhere near as nervous as he did when he thought about telling Iris or his dad.

At the same time, though, this was a different kind of nervous. Singh wasn't family. He wasn't close to them. So telling him felt like telling the world. It would be out of his close group of loved ones. It would be public. Even if Singh kept it between them, it still felt like he was going public with it.

It felt more real.

"How can I help you gentlemen?" Singh asked tiredly as they entered the room.

"We need to discuss something with you," Joe said softly.

Singh raised his eyebrows as he watched Joe tightly close the door to the room, ensuring privacy.

"Is this about a case?" he asked curiously.

Joe shook his head. He glanced nervously at Barry before taking his arm and gently ushering him into one of the chairs across from Singh's desk, taking the seat next to him. For a moment, the three men stared at each other, a confused look on Singh's face as he took in Joe's grave expression and Barry's nervous one. Barry took a deep breath before deciding he should be the one to break the silence.

"It's about me," he said quietly, wringing his hands in his lap, "I…I'm probably going to be taking some time off in the near future."

Singh raised an eyebrow.

"Time off?"

Barry nodded, unable to meet the captain's eyes.

"You might want to hire a temporary CSI for while," he said in a strained voice, "Just in case."

Singh furrowed his eyebrows in confusion for a moment before shaking his head.

"I'm going to need more specifics, Allen," he said seriously, "Like when you're going to be taking time off and the reason for it."

Barry took a deep, shaky breath, but when he opened his mouth to speak, no words came out. He couldn't help but look over at Joe for help. Joe nodded sadly before turning to the captain, speaking in a soft voice.

"Barry was recently diagnosed with late-stage leukemia."

Singh blinked at Joe for a moment, his eyebrows furrowing. His eyes then turned to Barry, but Barry wasn't looking at him. He was staring down at the floor.

"What?" Singh whispered.

"He was diagnosed a few weeks ago," Joe told him in a strained voice, "And he just started chemotherapy for it last week."

"Cancer?" Singh breathed, a shocked look on his face.

Barry couldn't look up at his boss. He stared down at his hands, which were clenched into fists as he spoke in a soft voice.

"I don't know when or if I'm going to need time off," he said softly, still looking down, "I just had to make sure you knew so you could make arrangements…just in case."

"Barry," Singh breathed, running a hand over his face, "I…I'm so sorry."

Barry shook his head and finally looked up at the captain.

"It's okay," he whispered, his mouth dry, "I'm getting treatment for it, and I'm going to be just fine."

"Is there anything I can do?" Singh asked seriously, looking back and forth between the two of them, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Barry slowly shook his head, but Joe cleared his throat and spoke in a gentle voice.

"Another CSI would help," he said softly, "Just someone to go out in the field for him. He shouldn't be on his feet more than what's necessary."

"Should he even be on his feet at all?" Singh asked seriously, staring at Barry.

Barry looked down again, unable to look at either of them as his cheeks tinted pink. He knew he looked dreadful. He felt dreadful. It was only made worse by having another person call him out on it.

"Probably not," Joe sighed, side-glancing at Barry, "But he wants to be here."

Barry gritted his teeth as he looked down at his lap. He knew Joe was right and that he was being stubborn. Joe didn't need to go telling their boss that, though.

"I'm perfectly fine," he said quietly, "I can handle doing a little lab work."

"Still," Joe sighed, looking at Singh, "He's going to need Fridays off at the very least. He gets his chemo infusions on Thursdays. He might need Mondays off as well, if he needs more time to recuperate after a treatment."

"Three days is plenty," Barry insisted, looking back and forth between the two of them, "I got through this first treatment just fine. I don't think I'll need to take Mondays off, too."

"You're going to get worse, Bar," Joe said gently.

Barry sucked in a slow breath through his nose, reigning in his frustration. Joe was supposed to be supporting him through this conversation, but he seemed much more intent on overplaying his illness to the captain. Barry knew Joe was just being honest with him, though. He was just trying to get him to face reality, to make sure the seriousness of the situation wasn't taken for granted. Barry couldn't say he was mad at Joe for it. None of this was Joe's fault. He was just the one trying to voice the reality of the situation.

If Joe didn't do it, no one else would.

"Allen," Singh said gently, causing Barry to timidly look up at him, "I can't say how much I appreciate your loyalty to this precinct…but if you should be on sick leave right now, then you really shouldn't be here. You should be focusing on your treatment."

"I don't need a sick leave right now," Barry insisted stubbornly.

This was exactly what Barry had been afraid of. He had feared that telling Singh would cause his boss to force him into taking time off, the same way Singh had forced Southworth to retire.

"I can still do my job," Barry choked.

"I know you can," Singh said quickly, "This isn't about your work performance, Barry. I know you're an amazing CSI. This is about your health, your wellbeing. You have cancer, and if being here is going to compromise your treatment, then I can't in good conscience allow you to be working here while you're sick."

Barry shook his head, tears forming in his eyes as he looked over to Joe for help. Joe was staring at him, a saddened expression on his face. He didn't say anything to back Barry up, though. It was because he agreed with Singh. This was exactly why Joe had wanted to tell Singh today. He had been hoping Singh would talk some sense into him.

"I'm not that sick yet," Barry insisted, shaking his head, "I can still be here."

"Allen, if this about your salary, we can be sure to arrange something," Singh suggested gently, "The CCPD offers paid sick leave for up to three months for employees who—"

"This isn't about money," Barry cut him off, "I don't want to be here for financial reasons. I want to be here because I love my job. I want to work."

"I understand," Singh said sadly, "I know you're passionate about your work, Barry, but—"

"This is more than just work to me," Barry said in a strained voice, "Being a CSI…it's who I am. Look, you and I both know I only went into this field to help my dad, but it's become so much more than that to me."

"I know," Singh said sadly, "And I'm not going to force you to leave, Barry, even if that might be what's best for you. I'll let you make that decision. If your health doesn't allow you to keep up with the strain, though, I am going to insist on a sick leave for you."

"I can do this," Barry said in determination, "I can keep up with the work. I'll show you."

"No," Singh sighed, running a hand over his face, "No, you're misunderstanding me, Barry. I'm not saying this to make you work harder. The last thing I want is for you to strain yourself too hard to avoid a sick leave or try to prove anything to me. I want you to take on only what you can handle. I'm going to hire some help for you, so you don't have to overstrain yourself."

"That's really not necessary," Barry insisted quickly, "I can do—"

"Barry," Joe said softly, giving him a serious look.

Barry let out a heavy sigh.

"Okay then," he muttered, the words tasting sour on his tongue, "I suppose I could use the help."

He felt like yet another piece of himself had been taken away.