My heart hurts.
When Nick decides to run and catch up with Grace and Courtney, it's because he sees them laughing.
Initially, on the walk from school, he figured he'd let them have some girl time—if Grace was even with Courtney, he thought. She wasn't by his locker waiting for him or just outside the front doors, so he assumed she had found her other friend and took off. It bothered him only a little bit, something he didn't let himself dwell too much on. It wasn't as if Grace could only talk to him, but he pretty much only talked to her; which wasn't a problem until Courtney started hanging around. And that's not even fair, because Courtney's kind and funny and fits right in with them, but Nick has really grown to enjoy the one-on-one dynamic with Grace.
He ends up quite a ways behind the two girls, alternating between staring at the sidewalk or at Grace's shoes. (Or Grace . . . no, it's definitely her shoes.) His mind is flipping back and forth from wanting to say 'screw it' and walk with them anyway, and about how lost he is when it comes to his bio homework. Or bio in general.
His friends' laughter floats into his eardrums and for a split second, he wonders if they're talking about him. How they feel about him. It's a ridiculous notion, one that he knows is completely false, but his heart still thumps at the thought and his feet still speed up to a jog until he's beside them.
When he asks where they're going, it's mostly because the answer is probably 'home' and then he'll have an excuse to stay right where he is, right by Grace's side. And Courtney splitting off immediately after to head to her own home is just the icing on the cake.
Nick watches Courtney walk across the street for an appropriate amount of time before turning back to Grace. "So. What'd you guys do all day?" His mind wanders to his locker, Graceless. And why didn't you wait for me?
Okay, that's stupid. She doesn't have to wait for him.
(But he'll wait for her.)
She sighs and begins a shortened summary. "School. Then walking home from school." Grace keeps speaking, but Nick barely has enough control to know when to tear his eyes away from her, and his ears tune out a bit to what she's actually saying. Just listening to her voice is enough for him.
He hears when she brings up Courtney, and he thanks the chance to slip in inviting him next time. Her "of course" puts him at ease. She'll always have time for him. But he knows that he missed her today, and it sets him right back on edge. Why did he miss her? Six hours apart and he has the makings of separation anxiety?
The textbooks in his backpack remind him of his other thought before he crashed the Girls' Day. "Oh, hey, I got a biology test coming up; do you think you can help me study for it?"
Her eyes widen and she stops walking completely. "Wait." Grace turns to him and puts a hand on his shoulder before pressing the back of her hand against his forehead. "Are you feeling okay?"
Nick vaguely realizes that his own hand is rising up to hold her side but then she touches his neck and his mind almost goes blank with buzzing noises. His hand keeps rising until it finds her arm, almost subconsciously. He doesn't even know what she's saying at this point. Both hands are on his shoulders now, and he's looking around, just to make sure the world isn't spinning. Everything looks dull in comparison to her.
What's that about studying?
Oh. Right.
"Yes, I actually decided I wanna know stuff, alright?" His laughter continually escapes him and she's still touching him and oh God he doesn't want her to let go but if she doesn't he might lose a few brain cells.
She removes her hands to his simultaneous relief and disappointment and begins spouting off when and where to meet her. Taken out of context, it almost sounds like she's planning a date.
It's not a date. Shut up.
/
It's not a date.
There are textbooks, and Teacher Grace, and a whole lot of studying—which he expected, because it's not a date—but there's still a part of him that had hoped for something else.
It goes about as well as they anticipated, what with him knowing nothing and her knowing everything (and also because this is his second year in bio and she passed it with flying colors two years ago). Only about two (times eight) thoughts of dates and Grace and Grace on dates enters his mind, most of which he succeeds in turning away rather quickly. Sure, she looks absolutely beautiful in the pink jacket she's wearing, and whenever she laughs he's positive an angel gains its wings, and the flowers on the table would look better in her hair, but he's not thinking about that.
(He's definitely thinking about that.)
He thinks he's had the usual lack of focus thus far throughout their da—study session, and can only hope she doesn't (correctly) assume it's because of her. He genuinely can't stop looking at her and it's fucking with his mind a great deal, but she's still on about studying so as soon as she gets to the word 'eukaryotic,' he's serious and admits (in a less serious way) that he doesn't know what that is.
"There's no way that's a real word, you're making that up."
"No, no. It is right here, in the book."
"Well lemme see," he reasons, leaning a few inches closer to the book, and her, subsequently.
"No peeking!" Grace's face twists into faux-anger and he works to make his smile gradually appear instead of instantaneously like a love drunk fool, watching her tug the book away from him.
"Come on, let me see that," he says, one hand following after the bio text she lifts up.
"No, no, no, you are supposed to know this," she teases, holding it just out of his reach and smiling, her amusement noticeable.
"I'd know it if you give me the book, Grace!"
And he makes a mistake.
Or perhaps the mistake is a few seconds later. When his chair first moves and his arm stretches around behind her, she's giggling and he files it away as his favorite sound ever. The book is almost in his grasp but her laughter stops and she's looking at him and he stares for maybea second too long because she says, "No," and his arm starts to retreat. There's still a playful lilt in her voice, but he knows something has shifted, and he knows it's his fault.
Sometimes he catches himself wondering if she . . . feels the same things he does. It didn't use to be all the time; in fact, it was kind of rare. He found her optimism and knowledge (both natural and not-so-natural) a tad irritating. But somewhere along the line it changed to endearing and admirable and adorable and then how he felt was an around-the-clock type of thing and not just every once in awhile and it's times like these, well. It's times like these that he understands completely why he doesn't want other girls' attention, why it's not a problem he doesn't have a girlfriend or doesn't go on dates because who needs dates when you have this and—
He moves away.
"Fine. I give up."
And he thinks maybe he should, maybe his words ought to have another meaning when she switches the subject back into biology. But "It's 'cause I got the best teacher in town" tumbles out of his mouth before he can catch it and she has such a dismissive reaction to the overly-sweet sentence but he knows her, he knows she's pleased and flattered and—
Would it really be such a bad thing if this were a date?
He has to leave.
There's a bit more flirtatious banter before he heads out, and the idea is all but forgotten in his mind. He's entertaining it, and he knows it might be a bad move, but that back there? That's not the only time Grace has seemed like she felt something.
It's twenty minutes later when he caves and takes a risk and sends a text, wondering if he'll regret it as soon as it's done.
[need to ask you something important. tomorrow okay?]
/
"There's this girl that I wanna ask out and I'm…tryin' to figure out exactly what to say."
Half the battle he has with himself centers around how the hell he's gonna do this.
Normally he'd go to Grace with a problem like this, or possibly even Cassie, but the former is out for obvious reasons, and the latter would guess where he was coming from a mile away. He's freaking out and second-guessing himself enough as it is, and while he doesn't want to, it's a necessity to involve someone else in his internal conflict. So his last resort . . . is his father.
His dad's old-fashioned advice is to, quite frankly, ask the girl out, but with flowers. The issue with that (besides the old-timey vibe it's sure to give off) is that Grace knows him, and bringing flowers to someone who's been your best friend for two years now seems fake. And anyways, she'd get suspicious right off the bat, and if he is to go through with this preposterous idea, then the element of surprise is his friend.
But the only surprise is that it's taken him this long to do something about how he feels.
/
They're just entering the garden when he manages to get the words "So there's something I need to talk to you about" out without vomiting.
"Oh yes, I know. And I know exactly what you're going to say." Her eyes are wide and while her demeanor hasn't changed his heart still nearly stops.
"Wh-How can you already know that?" he fumbles, hoping it's not obvious he's on the brink of emptying the contents of his stomach and hightailing it out of there.
"I mean, I have a feeling," she confides in him, eyes flickering to his face for no longer than two seconds.
He finds himself forcing out a laugh. "You and your 'feelings.'" Dear Lord how did I not think she'd get a 'feeling' about this too?
"Look Nick, we are…you know, you—you mean a lot to me."
She knows. "Okay…"
"And we are really good friends."
The emphasis may be on another word but he swears he can hear his heart break at 'friends.'
"Yeah, that's why I'm here." Because we're such good friends that we could be more. Because we're such good friends I don't want to be just that. Because we're not just that. Can't you feel it?
"Right, so let's say that something were to get in the middle of that friendship…"
She knows, she knows, she fucking knows. He's chosen flight over fight and his mind rewires his statement completely before he can decide whether he wants to just own up to how he feels and suffer the consequences or shut his damn mouth and never try again. "Ohhh, I'm starting to see where this is going." Holy hell, of course he knows where this is going.
"Oh no." And he looks at her, really just looks at her, and she seems so scared. So genuinely afraid to lose her best friend and his heart breaks for a second time. "Oh no no, shoot, Abigail told me," she's mumbling now, but he always hears her, "I was supposed to shift over—"
And he takes the jump, both knowing he'll look back and hoping that maybe this is a sign. "You think that me asking Courtney out is gonna get in the way of me and you being friends." They've stopped walking by now, and it pains him to get the words out, but he knows it's the right way to go. Clearly Grace doesn't want anything to change between them, and the last thing he wants to do it purposely pressure her, but…is this really how he wants to get out of it?
Courtney's pretty, and sweet, and from the few times his dad has seen her he knows Sam would approve. Nick likes talking to her, she has a nice sense of humor, and she isn't complicated like someone. He thinks that maybe this is for the best, and that maybe it will end up being way better than what he had originally planned to do today.
When Grace turns to him and clarifies, "You wanna ask Courtney out," he can hear the relief in her voice and his twice-broken heart crumbles to pieces. Is the thought of him being romantically interested in her that bad?
He bullshits some reason as to why and automatically regrets saying, "But you don't even think I should ask her," when she quickly jumps at the chance to say he should.
Yep. The thought's that bad.
He gets even worse advice on how to ask someone out from her than from his father, and then she walks off, smile wiping from her face the second she starts to turn away from him. A tiny sliver of him wishes to analyze what that means; did she partially want him to go through with it? Is she jealous? Is she confused?
But he shakes the thoughts of his head and chooses instead to wonder if he can just skip over asking Courtney out completely, but he knows he won't. This will be a good distraction from Grace, and who knows? If she says yes, then he could develop genuine feelings for her and have an amazing girlfriend.
Except, his brain nags at him, she's not Grace.
Shut up. I don't have to be with Grace.
Right.
He just wants to be.
/
At first, all he knows is extreme, immense relief.
And then it sets in, and he asks what the fuck?
He picked flowers. He made sure he looked presentable. And he asked Courtney out (albeit, almost everything was mumbled). Ultimately, he had ended up asking, "Would you like to go on a date with me?" and it's the simplicity of it that gets him. He might not have gone into the situation with Grace earlier that day knowing what he was going to say, but it wouldn't have been that. He would have involuntarily started grinning like an idiot, would have complimented her hair or her personality or basically blubbered on and on until all that was comprehensible was just how much he loves her.
But with Courtney, it's not like that. There's no way it could be like that. She smiles the whole way throughout his nearly-inaudible proposal, and then…she kindly turns him down.
What?
It's awkward, to say the least. Not only does she say no to going on a date with him, but he is so unbelievably thankful for it that it's bordering on inappropriate. Of course, leaving someone's house after being rejected is uncomfortable, but the weight being lifted off Nick's chest is incredible. The walk home is full of whistling and thoughts of Grace (as per usual).
/
When Courtney shows up at his door two hours later, he's so sure he's having a nightmare.
He thought he dodged a bullet. He told his dad at dinner that, yeah, he's not going on a date any time soon, but he's okay with that. He spent the past two hours playing video games and scrolling through social media and wondering if it'd be okay to visit Grace over at Grey House yet.
He did not foresee Courtney coming over and explaining why she turned him down, and the reason why gives him all sorts of mixed feelings. On one hand, he's grateful that SOMEONE can see the connection he has with Grace, that it isn't all in his head. If her female best friend thought she had feelings for Nick, then there could really be some truth to that and not just a hormonal teenage boy's biased opinion. But as soon as Courtney utters the words, "Grace cleared it up for me," his heart sinks.
'Cleared it up'? Was he nothing more than some insignificant item to cross off her checklist? Maybe all that contemplating he had done after he lied to her was actually over nothing. Grace herself had said she had no feelings for him. She could be lying; after all, he didn't currently have romantic emotions towards Courtney. But Grace doesn't lie.
Grace only breaks hearts.
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