A/N First of all, this started off as a random "it could be worse" situation that was meant to be somewhat of a joke…then ShadedCat (aka, AngstyArbitually) fucking enabled me, so now this fic exists and you have them and sealingdesigneejosephine (aka, memoriesofpurelight) to blame for this fic!
Second of all, WARNINGS FOR DARK THEMES! This is a Berserk fic, so there will be excessive violence, gore, sexual assault, body horror, and many, many fucked up things in general—a lot of which are canon typical! Read at your own discretion and please, do not push yourself if you are especially sensitive to these types of things!
Otherwise, do feel free to read on and I am making use of a different writing style for this fic! Just thought I'd warn everyone upfront…
Disclaimer for whole story: I do not own Berserk or anything related to it! I get nothing out of this except a chance to explore new ideas for an entirely new fandom!
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I don't remember much about my death. All I can recall, during my final moments, is pain and an intense desire to live as my consciousness slowly faded away…
I don't…want to die…
If I knew what was waiting for me on the other side, then maybe I would have felt differently.
Maybe…
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…
She enters the world on the night of a full moon. She cries at the top of her lungs, her body far smaller and frailer than it has ever been. She knows not a damn thing about her situation, but she can feel—she can just feel that something is wrong. So very, very wrong…
It's too soon…
She was born too soon, the people around her say to each other. No one expects her to make it through the night. Her own mother doesn't expect her to live past a week. Regardless, she still treats her newborn with some compassion—it's the least she can do. Maybe then, she won't have to feel so guilty about being unable to feed her children and seeing yet another of them starve.
Her father feels similarly, also thinking that it would be one less mouth to feed. They have five children already—the last thing they needed was another girl. They have no name for her, not expecting her to live that long. It's better that way, otherwise they might grow attached.
She surprises them all when she makes it through the month. And very quickly, one month becomes two and it's when she turns three months old that she finally receives a name from her parents.
"Casca," she overhears her mother calling her while she's being breastfed.
She starts crying almost immediately and spends the next week disturbing everyone's sleep with her excessive wailing. It is to everyone's relief when she finally stops crying, only doing so when she is hungry or has soiled herself. Life goes on for everyone within this remote mountain village…
It goes on for everyone except a three-month-old Casca, who now spends a lot of time staring out at her surroundings every chance she gets. Her eyes seem far more intelligent than they should be, but no one ever notices. Like everything else, it just slips by as everyone struggles to survive. If she's lucky, she won't know what hunger truly feels like until she's at least a year old.
Casca doesn't think about that—she focuses on the present because she has her doubts. She has her doubts and there's only so much she can handle at her current stage. So she continues eating, sleeping, and soiling herself like every other infant in her village. It's all she can do for now.
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A lot of the developmental milestones that I should've achieved by now are just a couple of months away from my reach because I just had to have the luck of being born prematurely. To be honest, I should consider myself lucky that I'm still alive. From the looks of it, the survival rate doesn't seem to be too high in this area—wherever the hell this is.
I still have no idea about the specifics of where I'm at, other than that I live in a village in the mountains. The language everyone speaks in isn't anything I recognize, so there's that too…
It's confusing…
But I'm still alive.
You're not dead yet.
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Casca is about a year old when she finally starts learning how to crawl. She pushes herself as best as she can because no one else seems to care. She can tell they've stopped actually caring, with the way it takes her nearly two months to realize that she's passed her first birthday. Everyone has their own task to deal with, while she's still struggling to crawl and talk.
Unsurprisingly, her first word has nothing to do with calling out for her mother or father. Instead, she calls out for food during one particular evening when she's almost excluded from dinnertime. No one expected her to notice since she's still so young, but she does and holds out her hand for a piece of the bread she sees being shared between her siblings and parents. It is around that time that she starts to learn what it means to be hungry, because there's only so much food that her poverty-stricken family has.
She tries not to cry, since it won't do her any good. She fails, still being far too young to keep her emotions under control. Her older siblings consider her a nuisance, as does her father, for being unable to do anything other than cry. Her mother at least tries to ease the pain she experiences from hunger, but after a certain point, she just gives up.
And so Casca realizes quite early on how alone she truly is. That night, she cries herself to sleep as she recalls the memories of the life she left behind. She misses her home, her family…
Everything.
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Mamí…Papí…
I wanna go home—back to everyone I left behind. I only had a couple of more years before I graduated from my university. I finally had a paying job…I was slowly developing into a functional adult after being such an anxious and depressive mess. I was making progress, god dammit!
And then you died.
Why did I have to die? Why?
Why was I reborn?
I should have stayed dead if it meant not being born into this shithole of a village where my own family doesn't even give a damn about me. I'm not even two years old and they're already expecting so much from me…
I'm still learning how to walk!
They don't care, though—I'm just another mouth to feed…
I've heard them talk…
I can understand them now, after all. Ahahaha, my life fucking sucks…
It's so funny, that it makes me want to cry…
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At four years old, Casca is walking, talking, and running without any issues whatsoever. She has long since been able to go to the bathroom on her own—a feat that she accomplished the exact moment she could. She is still small and frail—a consequence of being born prematurely and malnutrition. She tries hard though, as she is taught how to plow the field by one of her older brothers. Her sisters and mother teach her how to sew so she can learn how to patch up her own clothes—all of which are given to her secondhand. Nothing she receives is new, but she is expected to treasure it nonetheless.
Until she starts learning how to provide for herself, it's all she'll ever get. It angers her, but there's not much she can do about it. All she can do is just accept things as they are.
For now, at least…
She spends a year trying to receive acknowledgement of any sort. She isn't sure why she's bothering to try at all, since she feels it's a lost cause. And yet, she still tries anyways. She continues pushing herself when it's her turn to plow the fields, even though her oldest sister steps in after an hour of seeing her struggle. She pricks her fingers many times with a needle as she patches everyone's clothes. Her needlework is still sloppy, but she's improving.
At one point, she tries catching a rabbit that she's seen scampering around the area. She manages only through sheer luck when she trips and stumbles downhill onto the rabbit, effectively crushing it under her own weight. She doesn't weigh much, but the force of the fall was enough to kill the rabbit instantaneously.
Casca spends no time mourning, despite how queasy she feels from killing an animal. All she can think about is how happy her family will be to have meat after going without it for so long. She picks up the rabbit and gets up, making a beeline for her house…
She never makes it home with the rabbit.
"Aah!" A rock is thrown right at her face, stunning her momentarily before a foot kicks her roughly in the stomach. She lands flat on her ass, tears streaming down her cheeks as she heaves a few times. What little food she had in her stomach is emptied onto the ground as a teenaged boy steals the rabbit. She hears him laugh as the stomach acid burns her throat. She feels dizzy and sick, but there's not a damn thing she can do about it.
I'm too weak…
She just stays on the ground and watches as the boy walks off, soon disappearing in the distance. She heaves again and then wipes her mouth. She ignores the frustration she feels from letting that happen. She knows she could have at least tried to get it back, but a part of her argues that she shouldn't have to risk her wellbeing over a rabbit that her family might not even share with her.
The men get first dibs, after all…
Sexism is alive and well in her village, much to her immense disappointment. It annoys her so much, but it's just something she has to deal with for the rest of her life. Because that's how the world is and it's going to take a lot of time for change to happen.
I hate this place…
About a month later, Casca finds herself feeling relieved that she was mistaken for male by that same teenaged boy who had stolen her rabbit. News spreads like wildfire when it is discovered that that boy has been chased out of the village for forcing himself onto a few girls not much older than she is. She finds out through her older sisters, who talk in front of her as though she isn't there. They don't expect her to understand it like they do, but she knows—she knows.
She runs out of the house after that, ignoring her older sisters as they called out for her. She keeps going and going, even after she's reached the forest on the outskirts of her village. She stumbles without paying much attention to her surroundings and soon, she trips on a tree root. She falls and tumbles down a slope she completely overlooked. She lands roughly onto the ground, her head spinning and her stomach churning so unpleasantly.
The half-digested remains of her lunch soon cover the ground as she empties the content of her stomach. She starts crying soon after that, feeling so disgusted that her older sisters can talk about such a serious topic as though it's the norm. Just as she was growing used to the amount of people that have died over the year…that had to happen.
That could've been me…
That could have been me.
That could have been her, had she not been mistaken for male. She considers herself quite fortunate that wasn't her, but then she feels terrible for thinking that way. It shouldn't have happened in the first place—no one deserved to go through that.
No one…
So she cries and cries and cries. It's all she can do—she can't help it. This is the first time that she has acted her physical age. She doesn't care about how loud she's sobbing or how weak she looks. There isn't anyone around to see her like this.
It's just me.
And she's fine with that.
I'm…fine.
The sun is starting to set when Casca finally stops crying. She hiccups as she stands up and looks around for a way to get back home. She has to get home before it gets dark—it gets really cold at night during this time of the year. And the last thing she wants is to linger around the forest while it's dark.
Casca never makes it out of the forest. Not long after standing up, she notices that she isn't alone. There's still enough light for her to see the ominous shapes hiding in the shadows. She stays still, wondering if it might be a bear.
It's worse.
Her blood runs cold as she watches a hairy, ape-like creature walk out from the shadows. Its size is far larger than hers by a noticeable margin. Its fur is pitch black, with a face that appears to be some sort of hideous combination of a pig and rodent. The creature stares at her with wide, bulging eyes that make her feel absolutely helpless.
Th-Thump! Th-Thump!
Her body won't stop shaking and when she opens her mouth, a scream dies in her throat. And just like that, she starts running as fast as she possibly can. She barely avoids a large hand that reaches out to grab her. The creature lets out a bone-chilling shriek that makes Casca look back at it for a brief moment.
Why did I look back?
A scream rips itself out of her throat when she sees that there are more of those things.
Why are there more?
She doesn't know, but she still keeps running. Something inside of her head tells her that it will all be over if they catch her.
I don't want to die!
Casca didn't beat the odds and live this long just for it to end like this. She refuses for it to end like this! That's why she can't stop running.
I won't stop!
She stumbles through a small, narrow space in between some fallen trees. She ignores the bugs and gross grime that she treks through in order to escape the inhuman hands that attempt to grab her. She hears the sound of splitting wood that follows after, notifying her that the creatures are especially strong.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
She starts crying like any other child would in her position. She desperately calls out for her mother and father to help her, in a language that she has not spoken since her rebirth. She claws her way through bushes filled with sharp thorns, doing her best to endure the pain. Compared to dying a second time, this pain doesn't at all compare.
Eventually, she reaches a clearing with a large tree at the center. Her eyes light up at the sight of a small, hollow hole that she sees at the base of the tree's trunk. If she can just get to it in time, then maybe she hide from the creatures…
It's worth a shot!
Her body has long since reached its limits and only now has it started taking its toll on her. She is not as physically fit as she'd like to be and if she manages to make it out alive, she swears that she'll start training herself so that she is physically fit.
She won't live long if she remains this weak…
Almost…there!
The hole is just a few more feet away… She just needs to hang in there for a little while longer!
Almost…!
THUD!
Casca stops completely in her tracks when a creature drops down from the top of the tree and blocks her way. She loses whatever little strength she had left and falls despondently onto her knees.
I wasn't fast enough…
Tears splash down her face, her eyes wide from fright. The creatures have her completely surrounded. It's only a matter of time, now…
I'm going to die.
She is going to die at the hands of these creatures, who she can tell have no mercy whatsoever to spare. She sobs loudly as the ground beneath her grows hot and wet from her own urine. Were she in any other situation, she would've been mortified. Instead, she continues crying and crying, because it's all she can do.
And just like that, her world turns red.
Ah…
She stops crying almost immediately when a wave of blood splashes all over her. The metallic scent of blood assaults her nose with its foul stench, but that doesn't bother her much. Rather, what has her attention the most is that all the creatures around her have been sliced into two from the midsection. Blood and organs spill onto the ground, the sight absolutely gruesome and nauseating.
Her stomach churns violently and she heaves. Nothing comes out, but she continues heaving and heaving until she starts crying again. That's when she sees the imposing, armored figure riding a massive horse with a skull over its head. Her breath hitches and her voice dies in her throat when she sees the figure's gleaming yellow eyes and skull-like head.
"It seems you are meant to live another day." The armored figure speaks in a deep, masculine voice that Casca can feel almost vibrating in her ears.
And just like that, an entire five years of denial come crashing down on Casca as she realizes that this is real.
This shit is fucking real.
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It hits me harder than a ton of bricks. I can't stop shaking and it's so hard to breathe.
Why, why, why, why, WHY?!
My heart's beating so fast that it almost feels like it's going to burst. Nightmarish images fill my head, showing me vivid glimpses of a future where many people will die a brutal death because of a pale-skinned man with white hair and blue eyes. My vision spins and dread bubbles in the pit of my stomach when I recall the unfortunate fate that lies in store for the person who's life I took over.
Why me, of all people?!
Fourteen years from now, on the day of a solar eclipse, the Eclipse will happen. I'll be there to experience it all, because I just had to be reborn as Casca from Berserk.
Why do I have to be Casca?!
It just had to be me.
This isn't fair!
I've managed to live this long out of sheer spite and determination. I lost everything but the memories and feelings I have of my past life. That's all I had going for myself and now—now I'm going to lose that too!
I'm going lose everything!
That's not fair…this isn't fair! I don't want this…I don't want this!
Don't want, don't want, don't want!
Dontdontdontdontdont!
Someone—anyone!
HELP ME!
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She cries again, her voice loud and completely hysterical. She does nothing when she's lifted off the ground by the armored knight that had saved her from those creatures. She just sobs and sobs as she's taken elsewhere, the gristly remains of the creatures soon disappearing from sight.
And so it is on this day, under the last rays of sunlight of the day, that Casca meets the Skull Knight.
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A/N So yeah, as I said before, I was fucking enabled. I had Setsuna in Apathy mention that she could have had it worse if she was born in the world of Berserk (which is bad enough already) instead of Katekyo Hitman Reborn. I brought it up again to everyone else in the Clair de Lune Discord chat and went further than that, saying that an SI as Casca would be like…the absolute worst-case scenario for any reincarnated self-inserts, because of all the fucking things that happen to her—especially during Eclipse. So then I get enabled and fucking go back to reading the entirety of Berserk because I forgot where I last left off, so as a refresher, I went through 352 chapters within the span of like two days.
I mean, this isn't anything like Gone Fishing, where I took a fucking week to binge-read One Piece from chapter 237 to 788 (at the time that fic was published), but I still got a lot of reading done. Once again, all for the sake of a fucking fic—this is what I do, people. Because I have no life outside of school and the job I got over winter break!
By the by, like over 500 words were written on a tablet while I was at work, because nothing was going on and I had the time to do it. There is nothing I can't do after going through like one month without a functioning laptop and having to rely on my excessive amount of tablets to write out nearly 50,000 words for my Persona 5 fic, Jamais Vu.
So yeah, I have a feeling there will be a lot more writing going on this year because of that, so rejoice! I will try my best to get more updates done this year, so keep an eye out for that!
This is probably the bleakest I've ever started a fic, but it's also the easiest, where I tend to struggle a lot with starting fics (Kimura Jun from Jamais Vu was stuck on the subway for three days before she got off and finally reached her homestay at Café Leblanc—that's how bad it was). So yeah, I have no idea what's going to happen throughout this fic, but all I know is that SI Casca, (referred to as Casica, thanks to sealingdesigneejosephine) is going to do whatever it takes to avoid what happens during Eclipse.
By the by, due to a suggestion from ShadedCat, Casica is a lot smaller and frailer than canon Casca because she was born two months prematurely, and malnutrition has not been kind to her development at all.
So this is about it for now, so I hope you guys enjoyed this fic! Until next time, everyone! KD out! XD