Batman Forever (Maybe, Not Really)

Batman suited up taking his time while Two-Face's hostages were being rounded up and killed depending on what side of the coin landed. After about a good thirty minutes of suiting up, Batman waited for his Batmobile to rotate sufficiently to the point where he wouldn't have to take the few extra steps to get in.

"Can I persuade you to take a sandwich?" Alfred asked him ruining the glorious moment.

"Really? The fuck, Alfred?" Batman said annoyed.

"What, Sir?" Alfred asked confused.

"I'm having a badass moment here and you go ahead and ruin it," Batman told him.

"I just didn't want you to get hungry if on the off chance you end up swimming your way across Gotham bay," Alfred said defensively.

"Like that would ever happen," Batman said skeptically and then looked over his Batmobile. "Why does the car look like a giant penis?"

"It was the director's choice," Alfred replied.

"Not surprised," Batman grumbled and then entered the Batmobile.

Two Face flipped his coin on top of a large skyscraper, the Gotham bank. At his feet was a tied up security guard. "You're counting on the winged avenger to deliver you from evil, aren't you, my friend?" Two Face asked.

"Yeah," the security guard said meekly.

"I wouldn't count on it," Two Face told him.

"Okay," the security guard said helplessly. "You going to kill me?"

"Maybe," Two Face replied. "You a gambling man?"

"Sure," the guard answered.

"What makes one man straight, another queer? Why, why, why?" Two-Face asked.

"Because of genetics and…," the security guard began.

"Luck! Blind, stupid, simple, clueless, luck!" Two Face shouted while showing the guard the fucked-up side of his face.

"Really?" the guard asked skeptically.

"The random toss…is the only true justice. Let's see what justice has for you," Two Face said obnoxiously.

"Well, just so you know, Javier Bardem did it better," the guard said critically.

"What?" Two Face questioned.

"The whole coin toss thing, live or die. He did it better," the guard said.

"Whatever," Two Face said annoyed all motivation gone. He flipped the coin. "Looks like you get to live."

"Yay…," the guard said without enthusiasm.

"I'm still going to use you as bait to trap the Batman," Two Face informed him.

"So, what if the coin had gone the other way? That would have ruined your entire plan," the guard pointed out.

"So true!" Two Face replied and had the guard taken away.

Batman arrived on the scene dropping in right next to Commissioner Gordon and Chase Meridian. "Hot entrance," the blond Chase smiled condescendingly.

"I know, right?" Batman said proud of himself. "Two Face?" he guessed.

"Two guards are dead. He's holding a third one hostage. Didn't see this one coming," Gordon told him.

"We should have. The Second Bank of Gotham…," Chase began.

"Second anniversary of the day I kicked his ass," Batman mused. He then turned to Gordon. "You really are worthless. With each one of these, you do less and less," Batman chided.

"At least I don't get replaced each time with a new guy," Gordon pointed out.

"Good point," Batman allowed. "What the fuck is she doing here?"

"This is Chase Meridian. I asked her to come here to consult on the case. She specializes in…," Gordon introduced and then forgot the rest.

Batman eyed Gordon wondering what he was trying to remember. There was an awkward silence between all three. "Abnormal psychology, multiple personalities," Chase said helpfully.

"Neat," Batman said disinterested.

"Can we reason with him?" Gordon asked. "He's got innocent people up there."

"Like you give a shit," Batman remarked.

"It won't do any good. He'll slaughter them without a second thought," Chase warned.

"Agreed," Batman allowed.

"Like you," Chase added.

"Exactly," Batman said without thinking.

"Interesting, I could write a hell of a paper on a man who dresses like a flying rodent," Chase teased.

"Bats aren't rodents. They're…," Batman said and then forgot the rest.

"Oh really?" Chase smiled flirtatiously. "You got a first name, bats?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's…," Batman said intoxicated by her blond beauty.

"Ahem," Gordon interrupted.

"What?" Chase asked Gordon annoyed by the interruption. When she turned around Batman was already gone.

Two Face was nearly killed as a wrecking ball slammed into the building right next to him. "Let's start this party with a bang!" he said pumped.

The elevator light went on indicting someone was coming up. "Very punctual, even for his own funeral," Two Face said pleased and then gathered his goons with machine guns.

"Boys, kill the Bat," Two Face ordered.

"But Boss, wasn't your whole plan to trap him in that bank vault with acid," one goon asked.

"He'll likely survive your assault and kick all of your asses. This is just to lure him into a false sense of security," Two Face explained.

"The fuck?" the goon wondered.

The elevator light turned on indicating it had reached their floor. "Blast him!" Two Face ordered.

The goons fired non-stop all of their ammunition on the elevator doors. The bullets blasted through the elevator doors and began ricocheting all over the elevator killing anyone that could have possibly been inside.

"Open sesame," Two Face said with anticipation.

The doors opened revealing no one inside. The goons checked the elevator thoroughly and found no one.

Meanwhile, Batman made his way up the stairs. "Why so many stairs?" he grumbled.

The goons then turned to Two Face. "We're out of ammo," they said to him.

Batman then barged in and began fighting the goons. Two Face fled the scene as Batman broke bones, used his TASER, and tied goons up. Batman then proceeded to find the guard tied up with his mouth taped inside the bank vault.

"If this is a trap, blink twice," Batman said to the guard just outside the vault.

Two Face was in his helicopter pleased that his plan had worked. The helicopter pulled the bank vault out of the building and hung it in the air. "Haul away!" Two Face said happily.

Batman and the guard watched as the vault was pulled out of the building. Batman untied the guard's feet with his batarang rope he had used to fish the guard out of the vault. He then pulled the tape from the guard's mouth.

"You're one fat ass," Batman chided.

"Sorry," the guard said lamely.

Batman then considered the helicopter that was leaving the scene. "Bring me the Bat," Batman ordered through his radio.

"Coming up," Alfred said bored and initiated the Batwing's auto-pilot.

Two Face laughed hysterically at his victory and then saw the Batwing approaching. It hovered next to the building and opened its cockpit allowing Batman to get inside. "No!" Two Face said enraged. He fired his pistol at the chain connecting the helicopter to the vault. The vault filled with acid fell towards the Gotham crowd.

Batman fired rope cables from the Batwing that hooked onto the vault before it could crash into the busy streets. Two Face then tried to escape in his helicopter with Batman in pursuit. The helicopter went past the Gotham skyscrapers towards Gotham harbor. The Batwing detached its cables allowing the vault to fall harmlessly into the bay.

Batman then switched to weapons to blast Two Face out of the sky. The Batwing fired missiles at the helicopter completely destroying it before it could hit the Statue of Liberty. Batman smirked victoriously, swung around the Statue of Liberty like a badass, and then went back home.

Two Face laughed, amused at his epic failure, as he parachuted down to the water.