Hey! Welcome to my new Reylo fic! Before we start, I want to say a couple things;

One, this fic is not in any way related to my other Reylo fic, For the Love of Reylo (FTLOR). It's not a sequel, it's not built around the same events, the only connection is that it's Reylo.

If you haven't read that, go check it out. It's one of my best stories ever, and I really hope you enjoy it.

Two, I am not sure about this fic, and I will definitely have to go back and edit it. A lot. So be prepared to reread it on a bi-daily basis. I will let you know each time I re-upload a chapter. I hope this fic is also worth reading… I am not suffering under any delusions that it's going to be as good as FTLOR, but I'm going to try.

And three, I will upload it. Okay? Don't worry about that. It's going to be uploaded as the chapters are written. It's not going to be abandoned like I've abandoned some of my other ones. I will finish this fic as well.

And that's it.

I hope you enjoy!

WARNING: in reading this fic, you are agreeing to being spoiled for the Last Jedi. If you haven't seen it yet, I would not recommend reading any fanfiction until you have. Bookmark this page and come back to it.

"You're a monster!"

"I want every gun we have to fire on that man!"

"I can take what I want."

"Blow that piece of junk out of the sky!"

"You called me a monster."

"You're not alone."

"You are a monster!"

"Neither are you."

"Yes I am."

I sat up. "Ben!" I screamed. I shook sleep out of my eyes and stood up in my nightgown, walking to my window. "Ben…" I stared out at the stars. It was late, and the moon was full. I was hoping he'd appear. Apologize, maybe. I had closed the door in his face, but I just didn't have time to deal with him. I wanted to speak to him again. I didn't want to have to kill him. I wanted him to know I…

You what, Rey? I asked myself. I don't know. It surprised me. I knew what I was about to say, but I hadn't ever realized it was true. Only now that I was thinking about it did I know, for absolute certain, that those words were, indeed, accurate. "What am I supposed to do with myself? He's…" I waved my hands vaguely. He's Ben Solo, my mind replied. And you love him. I sat down on my bed. Do I? I think about it for a while. Eventually I decide, yes, I do. But he hurt me, and I still want him. Fuck. I recall his words: "you come from nothing. You're nothing. But not to me."

"Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. That's the only way to become what you were meant to be."

"I want you to join me."

"Please."

It was the please that broke my heart. He truly believed in himself.

No.

He believed in me.

Ben saying "please" was a big deal. And it broke my heart to betray him that way. I remembered each detail crystal clearly. I reached my hand out, and his eyes lit up for a moment, and only when it was gone did I recognize the flicker of doubt - he'd expected me to attack him. I reached out slowly, and then, when my hand was inches from his, I twisted and summoned my lightsaber from his hand. He reached for it too, and so it stayed there, suspended in midair, and because we're so evenly matched, our opposing Forces pushed us away from each other. We both intensified our power at the same time, and the saber was crushed and split immediately into two pieces. I was horrified. But I was more horrified when I realized how guilty Ben felt. Apparently our link was empathic, too.

"Ben…"

"No. Just go." I grabbed the two halves of the ruined saber and ran.

That was the end of my flashback, but it wasn't the end of the problem.

The problem was still plaguing my nightmares.

The problem was still fighting.

The problem was still inside my head.

The problem was an insecure little boy, barely twenty years old (they're both 19 in TFA, if you can believe that).

The problem was Ben Solo.

The problem was that I was in love with him.

Hey everyone.

I'm still alive!

I'm still writing! As you could tell, by all the words before these ones xD.

Anyway, I haven't killed myself yet (quite the feat heheh).

Um… I'm going to say something, and it's going to be cheesy and stupid and romantic. Don't vomit.

I'm sitting in the back of my girlfriend's family's van, next to her, writing this, and looking at her and remembering all the ways in which she is the reason that I'm still alive and breathing. She is the reason that I'm able to write this because I'm not bleeding out on my bathroom floor. She is the most amazing human being I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

And now I'm going to feel guilty when I have to break up with her in order to commit suicide.

Fuck.

I'm only half-joking, unfortunately.

Also, I'll have you know that I don't have a beta-reader and none of this is edited, so however I write it is how it goes up.

Anyway, you are all amazing. Thank you so much for your support!

Love,
Allie