title: yellow light
rating: k+
word count: 10,153
disclaimer: harry potter and its characters belong to jk rowling, not me. written for fun not profit.
a/n: this was written for the twelve days of jily challenge on tumblr for the secret santa prompt. it was also supposed to be up on december 19th. but three weeks late is better than not at all, right?

title is after yellow light by of monsters and men

(also, please leave a review if you like this! it means a lot)

(cross-posted to ao3 under the same pen name)

- yellow light -

She thought of it while brushing her hair before bed one night in December, her eyes fixated on the way the snow fell softly from the sky and blanketed the castle grounds. It started as a small suggestion at the back of her head, which slowly grew to have more and more potential that longer she thought about it. She had been looking for something to tie off the end of the term, something to thank her prefects for the more-or-less painless three months of regulating the Hogwarts student body. Which, as she knew, was an appropriate task for the Head Girl—if it was her duty to assist in overseeing the school, one would rightly assume it included keeping up morale.

The more she thought about it at breakfast the next morning, the more she seemed to be able to visualize it. It was perfect—almost too perfect, in fact. The only thing left was to run the idea by her cohort, the Head Boy.

She relayed the idea to him on the way to their next prefect meeting.

"A Secret Santa?" James Potter repeated back to her, trailing a bit behind her brisk steps as they made their way down to the second-floor corridor. "Er, why?"

"Why not?" Lily Evans countered.

"Because not everyone wants to buy a half thought-out gift for someone they've hardly spoken to?"

"Oh, please, don't act like you're so above it all," Lily said, throwing him an amused look over her shoulder. "Besides, it might get people's spirits up. I know some of them have lost family members in the last few months, and I thought, I don't know, maybe a little bit of Christmas niceties might take their mind off having to go home."

She couldn't see him out of the corner of her eyes very well, as he still hung a bit behind her (which didn't make any sense considering he was taller than she and, presumably, possessed longer strides), but she waited for a response with a surprising amount of anxiety. She sighed. "It's stupid, I know—"

"No," he finally said. "It's noble. Maybe a little naive, but it's a noble effort, Evans."

"Oh." That reaction came a little surprising, but nevertheless she managed a half turn to send him a small, appreciative smile. "Thank you, I think. Although I do disagree with the naiveite bit since I am fully aware it would be a poor distraction at best. But there's no harm in trying."

They had reached the second floor.

"Where's Remus tonight?" she asked him, noting the unusual absence.

"He said he'd meet us there," James said. "Something to do with returning a library book."

They returned to silence, and for a while the only sound was the soles of their shoes against stone. Then:

"So how was your date?"

Lily's brow knotted, puzzled. "'Date'? What are you talking about?"

"Didn't you go on a date with him?" He sounded casual.

She sighed. "I really don't know what you're talking about, James."

"Will Ellis? The Ravenclaw?"

"Have you been speaking with Mary?"

"It's not a big deal, Evans," he said, his voice almost teasing. "There's no need to be embarrassed. I saw you two in the library the other day, that's all."

Lily let out a small laugh as the realization of what he was talking about sunk in. "Oh, that wasn't a date. Slughorn asked me to tutor him in potions a bit—I guess he has trouble with the conceptual part. He can make a decent potion when asked, just not very good at identifying what to make by a hypothetical situation, which is pretty much every written assignment or test in that class."

James seemed to let that information settle. "Huh."

"Yeah, it's nothing exciting," she said. "But you sounded like Mary—she thought I was trying to date him as well."

They rounded the final corner leading to the prefect's office.

"So, do you think it's a good idea?" Lily asked James.

"What, the gift exchange? Yeah, why not?"

"Good," she said. "Because we'll need to set it up tonight."

"You know, it seems like you had already made up your mind about this," said James. "It's almost as if you didn't need my opinion at all—like I'm not even here. I'm hurt, Evans, really."

They had reached the closed office door. Lily turned to him fully, a look of feigned sympathy on her face. "Don't be silly James. What ever would I do without our repartee to get me through the day?"

"Find someone else, I'm sure," said James. "I've heard Will Ellis knows some decent knock-knock jokes." He opened the door for her, grinning, an expression she easily mirrored before entering the room.

-x-

"Alright," said Lily, facing the room full of nearly two dozen prefects. "Now that the last of the final pre-holiday business has been taken care of, James and I have decided to start a Secret Santa gift exchange for all of us, as a way to help wind down the year—something fun for the last two weeks before the holiday starts."

She paused, gauging the room for reactions. Most seemed mildly interested, and others, well…

"Is it mandatory?" a sixth-year Slytherin asked.

"Yes," said James, before Lily could respond. She shot him a quick, thankful look.

There was a small moment of silence as the prefects look around to see is anyone had any other objections, but there were none.

Lily clasped her hands together. "Alright, so I guess everyone should write their name down on a bit of parchment. Remus, could you collect them please?"

James wordlessly transfigured an inkwell on the desk into a small bowl, which he then handed to Remus. Lily watched as folded slip after folded slip slowly filled the container. She added her own name, and James his, and with all the names included Remus have the bowl a dramatic shake.

He extended the bowl out to James first. "Prongs," Remus prompted. James fished a scrap out.

"Lily," Remus said next, extending the bowl to her. Lily stuck her hand in and with very little show pinched a scrap of parchment between her fingers and pulled it back.

And it was like she knew who she had picked before seeing it for herself.

She tried to keep her face neutral as she crumpled the scrap in her fist and slipped it into her pocket. But the slanted scrawl was burned on her retinas: James Potter.

The head boy in question was tucking his own selected slip away, expression as typically James as always. Lily wasn't upset about her name selection, per say, it was just… confusing. It wasn't as if they weren't friends these days, but it was also hard for Lily to confidently say that they were. Either way, Lily had not exactly accounted for getting him a Christmas present this year.

"Right," Lily said, after Remus grabbed the last slip from the bowl. "Does everyone else have a name? Yeah? Good. Then, I guess we can call it a night."

"But when are we exchanging gifts?" a fifth-year Ravenclaw prefect asked from the back of the room.

"The next meeting, I suppose. It's the last before the holiday, so that would make the most—"

"But that's before the Hogsmeade weekend!" Mabel Greengrass this time, the seventh-year Hufflepuff prefect had raised her hand from the back. "Wouldn't it make more sense to do it after? So we can have a chance to actually get something?"

Lily sighed. "We don't have a planned meeting after that, and we can't meet on the train home as not all of us are going home for the holidays."

"How about we just give the other person their gift on our own time, then?" suggested James. There was a low murmur of approval in the small room. "Let's just make the deadline any time before the holiday starts. If you haven't received a gift before then, let either me or Evans know, yeah?"

The typical shuffling that accompanied a large group leaving a room followed as the prefects began to head for the door.

"See?" James said to Lily as he slung his school bag over one shoulder. "I do things, I contribute."

Lily felt her eyebrows arch to the ceiling. "Was that what that was? The concept is so unfamiliar to me that I've suddenly lost all grasp on cognitive thinking."

"Ha ha," he said dryly, but still offering her one last grin. "I'll see you later."

Lily watched him leave with Remus, who gave her a departing wave himself. Alone, she reached into her pocket, pulled out the small ball of parchment, and unfurled it.

James Potter.

In truth, Lily was not sure where the initial dread at the prospect of giving James Potter a Christmas gift came from. By the time she had made the walk back to Gryffindor tower she was resolved that it was, in fact, not a big deal and that she should, in fact, be pleased that at the very least it was someone she knew. There was no reason to be worried about it, it was supposed to be fun. It would be fun, she decided.

She crawled into bed without so much as a second thought about it.

-x-

"So, what are you going to get him?" Marlene McKinnon asked her in Charms the next morning.

Lily shushed her, looking behind her to the back of the classroom where James sat with Sirius, Remus, and Peter, flicking scraps of parchment at one another. "Keep it down."

Marlene frowned. "They can't hear us. I didn't even say a name, either."

"Doesn't matter, James Potter finds out everything."

Marlene rolled her eyes, but dropped her voice lower regardless. "So, any ideas?"

"Not yet," Lily said while searching through her school bag. "But I'm sure I'll figure something out." With a frustrated sigh she pulled her entire bag up onto her lap. "I can't find my nice Eagle feather quill anywhere. You haven't seen it, have you?"

"No," Marlene said. "But I have an extra pheasant one you can borrow if you need to. You know, it is weird that it always seems to be James."

Lily's head was still partially hidden within the depths of her bag. "What do you mean?"

Her friend shrugged. "I don't know, it just seems like he's a reoccurring theme in your life. You hated him for years, yet he's still always been around—"

"I didn't hate him, and there are only ten people in our house and year, so…"

"—and then the Head Boy thing, and now you're working together all the time. Then you pull his name of all the prefects for a Secret Santa? It just seems very predictable. Or like some act of divine will."

Lily could hardly contain her small snort of laughter. "Mar, you've lost it. Divine will has absolutely nothing to do with me and James Potter."

Marlene arched a brow and said something too low for Lily to catch.

Last minute arrivals to class trickled in, until finally Professor Flitwick emerged from his office to begin their lesson. Today they would start on N.E.W.T.-level sticking charms (which most knew was only filler material until they could start on the Patronus after the holiday). But Lily was soon distracted from Professor Flitwick's opening remarks by the sound of the classroom door creaking open.

Eleanor Davies froze at the heads that had turned her direction, and kept her gaze low as she quickly made her way down the aisle—but not before Lily could notice her red, puffy eyes.

"What's wrong with Eleanor?" Lily asked lowly to Marlene. The distraught Hufflepuff in question took her seat in the second row, wiping her eyes and pulling out a roll of parchment.

Marlene leaned closer. "You didn't hear?" Lily shook her head. "This morning, in the papers… Well, it said there was still an ongoing investigation, but explosions at the house of a head of the International Magical Office of Law are not exactly common, are they?"

Lily stilled. She knew what that implied, and gaging by the tone shift in the room since Eleanor's entrance so did the rest of them—even Professor Flitwick restrained from docking her points for her tardiness.

Eventually the rest of the class put their attention back to the lesson, but Lily continued to watch Eleanor sit at her desk blankly with hand poised over her notes, unmoving.

-x-

Thoughts of the most recent attack were very much present on everyone's mind throughout the morning, though Lily was unable to find out more until lunch.

"It says Eleanor's father was very involved in championing for better muggle relations on the international stage," Lily said, reading from the afternoon edition of the prophet. She sat at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, foregoing her lunch for an opportunity to catch up on the news. "He had just announced plans to form a subcommittee for oversight on muggleborn discrimination in a partnership with at least twelve other countries."

"Well that almost proves it, then," Marlene said through a bite. "Definitely not an accident."

"Don't be so callus, Mar," Mary MacDonald said, the third and final member of their trio. "No official ruling has been reached."

"What, you think the Ministry would be willing to admit to yet another unexpected attack on a government official and noteworthy member of the public?" Marlene scoffed, seemingly answering her own question.

Mary shrugged. "Still…"

Lily folded the paper and put it aside, but after turning to the food set out in front of her she discovered she was not hungry. She looked upwards, at the Great Hall decked out in its Christmas best—the 20-foot tree at the front of the hall, the garland above the mantels, the snow falling from the ceiling… it was all still not enough, was it?

Marlene turned to Mary. "Did Lily tell you she has to get James Potter a Secret Santa gift?" Mary rounded on Lily, pulling the Head Girl from her thoughts.

"I'm thinking something simple, like chocolate frogs or sugar quills," Lily said.

Mary frowned. "No, that's a terrible idea."

"Why? It's perfectly—"

"Bland."

"It isn't," protested Lily, turning to Marlene for help. "It's nice, and everyone loves candy. Right, Marlene?"

But Marlene appeared to have the same idea as Mary. "Candy would be unoriginal and impersonal."

"It wouldn't."

"It would," Mary said, nodding solemnly.

"Fine, no candy," said Lily.

"What about socks?" Mary suggested.

Lily paused. "You said candy was impersonal but you think I should get him socks?"

Her friend shrugged.

-x-

With a little less than two weeks to go until the last day before the holiday, any thoughts on her Secret Santa gift were temporarily pushed to the back of her mind in leu of more pressing matters. Her professors had spared her no amount of time for leisure as they all barreled closer and closer to their seventh and final end of the year examinations. As such, Lily and her friends found plenty of excuses to get away and tackle their workload in the library.

The Sunday before the final Hogsmeade weekend of the year presented a perfect opportunity to dedicate the entire day to getting the load out from over their heads. The library was more or less empty with most students electing to enjoy the fresh layer of snow that blanketed the grounds rather than spend the rest of the weekend shut in doing homework. But for seventh years, there was not much of a choice.

"Was it thirty inches Professor McGonagall wanted?" Lily asked Mary, holding her nearly finished Transfiguration essay aloft. "Or forty? I smudged my notes from when she went over it."

"Only thirty this time," Mary replied. "She must have been feeling generous."

Lily put the essay down and considered the various notes and books spread on the table, sighed. "If only the rest of them had felt as charitable. My hand is starting to cramp."

Her friend nodded, and the duo went back to work, the sound of their quills scratching against the parchment contributing little to the dull murmurs that filled the library's study hall.

Mary stopped, as if a thought just occurred to her. She looked up to eye her friend. "Will Ellis is in to you, you know."

Lily didn't look up from her essay. "That's nice."

"That's it? Nice?"

"What do you want me to say? He is nice."

"Go out with him! He's cute."

At this, Lily met Mary's gaze with a skeptical look. "I'm not going to go out with him."

"Why not? He's nice, you said it yourself."

Lily fought to stifle an eye roll.

Marlene returned to her seat from the stacks, toting a large, leather bound book.

"Marlene," Mary said, seeing a potential ally. "Don't you think Lily should go out with Will Ellis?"

"Will Ellis? The Ravenclaw?" Marlene began flipping through the book's index. "He's nice."

Mary sighed. "Yes, we've established that."

"So what's the problem?"

"I don't want to go on a date with him," Lily said. "I just tutored him, that's all."

Marlene shrugged. "Okay, so don't."

Mary tossed her quill down on the table. "Marlene, you're encouraging her."

"So what if Lily doesn't want to go on a date?" Marlene asked. "It's her last year at Hogwarts, let her do what she wants."

"Thank you," Lily smiled at her friend, turning back to Mary. "See? Real support."

"I support you, Lily," said Mary. "I'm just trying to get you the last Hogwarts hookup you deserve. Will is fit, you're fit... It doesn't even have to last long, you can purposely fall out of touch after we leave school."

"Mary," Lily rubbed her brow. "I think it's sweet that you care about me enough to go through the effort. In your own, twisted way. But really, I'm not looking for anymore hookups or dates or..." she trailed momentarily, hand still gesturing in the air. "Whatever you want to call that."

"You don't want one last broom cupboard date? We'll never be able to have those again."

Marlene snorted. "Why don't you just go out with Will Ellis?"

Mary paused, as if the notion had never presented itself to her before this moment. Lily took advantage of her friend's silence to change the subject.

"Did you notice that Eleanor Davies went home sometime this morning?" she asked. "I thought she would, sooner or later, since they just published her father's obituary, but still it makes it that much more real, doesn't it?"

"Poor girl," Marlene said. "And just before Christmas, too."

"I don't want to have to admit this, but…" Mary trailed off, her mood sobering. "It's getting worse out there. And sometimes all of this," she gestured to the table, "feels completely pointless. I don't know how they all expect us to be able to focus on this all when the reality for many of us is so…"

She was unable finish her sentence, but Lily could tell that her meaning was not lost on either herself of Marlene. The reality of the world they lived in was bleak, unforgiving. And for many, all the schoolwork in the world would not prepare them for what was inevitably to come. They were all approaching a coming storm head on—unprepared and exposed.

They were pulled from their silence by the approach of a tall wizard with untidy black hair.

"Evans," James greeted, hands hanging casually out of his pockets.

"James," Lily said in return, smiling.

He nodded a quick greeting Mary and Marlene before turning back to Lily. "Have you finished the Charms essay yet? We—" he motioned behind him to the table hosting Sirius, Remus, and Peter, who looked after him eagerly. "—were debating the point of the last question, the one on classification."

Lily referenced her notes. "I haven't finished it yet, but in my outline—" She stopped, looking back up at him with a mischievous glint in her eye. "Now, you're not going to take my answer, are you?"

James scoffed, grinning. "Please, Evans. Just because you're a little bit better at Charms than I am doesn't mean I need your brilliance to get by. I already have mine finished, I'm just trying to win a little argument, that's all."

"As long as you've admitted I'm brilliant," Lily went back to the parchment in front of her. "I'm planning on arguing that the common properties that link all charms together, defensive or otherwise, is that they all work to change the properties of an object or individual while maintaining its essence, which is to say—"

"That all Charms keep their subject inherently the same," James finished for her. He quickly tuned back to his table to give them a thumbs up. Sirius looked defeated, while Peter and Remus looked smug. "Thanks Evans, you just won me three galleons."

"You lot had a bet going on my answer?"

"Sirius was convinced that my answer was incorrect, which I knew it was not, so I suggested we use you, the best in our class, as a deciding vote." He simply said. "Anyway, I'll leave you guys to your studying. It's madness what they think we have time for, isn't it?"

James left, returning to his table. When Lily turned back to her friends she was surprised to see them both staring at her—Mary's face in particular looking a little smug.

"What?" Lily asked, defensively.

"Oh, nothing," said Marlene, sharing a quick glance with Mary before returning to her work.

But Mary still seemed interested. "Have you figured out what you're getting him yet?"

"No," Lily said. "But I'm sure it will come to me."

-x-

Over the next four days absolutely no gift ideas for James Potter came to Lily's mind.

What came as a surprise to Lily was that it was starting to get to her—this strange mystery that she seemed unable to solve. She had concluded that candy and socks were, in fact, too impersonal. Yet she also concluded that whatever she did end up getting him couldn't be too personal, either. There needed to be a happy medium somewhere in there, but the location of which was frustratingly elusive to her.

For four days, everything she thought of—every single thing she could come up with—was deemed inadequate. But what really got to Lily was the knowledge that a year ago, she would not have been getting him anything at all. That the perfect Christmas gift for James Potter would have been the furthest thing from her mind, and that she would have been reveling in the unrealized privilege of not being in this bewildering, stupid mess to begin with.

"Why does it even matter?" Lily asked aloud in the girl's dormitory one night. "Why am I stressing out about this so much? We're not even friends."

"You are, kind of," Marlene said, from her place lounging on her bed. "I mean, you've been spending a lot of time together this year. You were his partner for that two-day assignment in transfiguration last month, voluntarily, and sometimes I see you two looking real chummy in the common room when I come back from the library."

"We aren't chummy," Lily insisted. "We just talk about homework and the news and... things."

Marlene flipped through the pages of her book. "Right."

"Really, we can talk about almost anything." Lily's arms were crossed tightly over her chest. "But that doesn't mean we're friends, Mar."

Marlene just shrugged.

Oh, what did she know.

-x-

The final prefect meeting of the year was held the second-to-last Thursday before term officially ended. Since Lily had taken initiative with the Secret Santa project, James had apparently decided to take the lead in reviewing the policies from the last four months—not that Lily minded, as every waking moment of her life was apparently now dedicated to thinking of a Christmas gift for him.

This was so stupid, she thought, watching him speak to the room full of prefects. The entire thinking behind the gift exchange had been to have something fun and light-hearted for everyone to enjoy, not to stress about for weeks. And yet here she was, stomach in knots, because for the life of her she can't think of anything to get James Potter for Christmas.

Stupid.

She made little contributions as the meeting progressed. Once it was over, and the prefects began to file out, Lily hung back to allow herself some time to clean up (and wallow, if she was being completely honestly with herself). She waved goodbye to Remus and hunched over the desk at the front of the room.

But someone had other ideas.

"So," James said, standing near the door. "Good first term, yeah?"

"Yeah," Lily responded without looking up from the paperwork she was sorting half-minded. She wished he would leave let her sulk in peace.

James seemed to stand there for a few moments, clearly waiting for something. Was he waiting for her? She hoped not. She had planned to spend the walk back to the common room ticking off every known material object she could think of in an attempt to figure out what to get him.

"I might be a while," she said eventually, gesturing to the pile of papers and trying to give him the hint.

James shrugged, and slid his hands into his pockets. "That's okay, I'll wait."

Of course he would.

"I'm missing a quill," she then said, lifting stacks of paper on the desk for emphasis. "The eagle feather one. Could be here for ages looking for it."

"I can help," James offered. He moved to step closer, but Lily stopped him.

"No need, it's probably not even here. I'll check my trunk, or something."

Giving up, she shuffled the papers around for a few seconds more before grabbing her things and going to join him. He held the door for her with one hand before following her out into the corridor.

"I wanted to say," James began, keeping pace next to her, "that the Secret Santa was a great idea. Everyone seems to be really excited for it."

Lily stifled a grimace and instead put on a smile. "Thank you."

He nodded, returning her smile.

They walked the rest of the way in relative silence. It was comfortable—at no point did Lily feel pressured into making conversation. They only walked, side by side, robes brushing lightly against each other, as Lily was entrapped in her own head.

They reached the portrait of the Fat Lady, and James gave the password.

"Hey, Evans," James said. Lily turned back, just a few steps from the entrance to the portrait hole. "I also just wanted to say a quick thank you for believing in me. You know, about the whole Head Boy thing."

Lily was confused. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know, you just haven't been treating it like a fluke. You take me seriously in there, and on rounds, and I guess I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate that." He seemed unable to meet her in the eye as he spoke, and inexplicably Lily felt herself warm.

"You don't have to thank me for that, James," she said. "You've been a great Head Boy this term. Honestly, you have been. Look at the way you handled the meeting tonight; I wasn't the one who did that. It was all you."

He seemed to smile despite himself. And then they were standing there, smiling, alone together in the corridor.

"So," he then said, the trademark grin returning. "You have a gift for the Secret Santa yet?"

Then her heart dropped, just as fast as her smile. She exhaled, the breath leaving her more sharply than she intended. "Nope, not a thing."

"Yeah, it's about the same for me," James said. "But, Hogsmeade is this weekend; I'm sure we'll get it figured out."

Nodding absentmindedly, she went to enter the ajar portrait hole ("Nice of you to keep me waiting," the Fat Lady grumbled to her as she passed.) but noticed that he had not moved. She turned back slightly to see him still standing in the same spot. "Are you coming?"

"No, I told Sirius I'd meet them in the kitchens after the meeting," James nodded over his shoulder. "But I'll see you around?"

Lily nodded, slowly, watching as he turned and departed with a final grin.

-x-

It was late Saturday morning, and Lily's boots crunched through the snow that blanketed the Hogsmeade high street with a determined purpose.

"Come on," she said to Mary and Marlene, who were beginning to lag behind her. "We're so close, I can feel it."

"Who's 'we?' I wasn't picked to give James a gift," said Mary as she shivered. Lily ignored her, passing the post office and dodging the gaggle of third years crowded by the door.

"What about something from Zonko's?" Marlene offered as the store came up on their left.

Lily thought on it for a moment. "No, I don't think so. That feels too childish."

"For James Potter?" Mary snorted. Again, Lily ignored her. Instead her eyes wandered up the street to Dervish & Banges, her attention captured by a bright quidditch display in the window.

"What about something for his broom?" She wondered aloud, getting excited. "That's a thing he owns, right?"

"Well spotted," Mary said dryly.

Lily grabbed both her friends by the wrist and pulled them up to the stoop. "Come on."

According to the signage, Dervish & Banges had recently acquired some old witch or wizard's personal Quidditch paraphernalia collection and was attempting to resell them for the holiday season. As such the entire store front was packed with Hogwarts students trying to get a better look at the cases full of goods. Just opening the front door proved a challenge, but nevertheless Lily, Marlene, and Mary found themselves right in the middle of the madness.

"Ow, hey," Lily protested as an elbow went into her rib cage. "Watch it."

"This should be fun," Marlene muttered.

Eventually the three fought their way into a better viewing position.

"Mar, you're on the Quidditch team," said Lily, not fully recognizing anything in the display. "Help me."

"A compass that hangs off the front of your broom?" Mary tried, pointing out the small item. "It says it's enchanted to turn hot when you fly off course. Sounds like a bit of a fire hazard, if you ask me..."

"But how often does James fly cross county?" Lily asked, dismissing it.

"What you should get him is that glove and arm guard set," said Marlene, pressing closer for a better view. "Do you see the embroidering? Incredible."

"But James' gloves are already nice," said Lily.

"Remember when he used to toss that snitch around in fifth year?" Mary said, appearing amused at the memory.

"God," Marlene's short laughter got caught in her throat. "He isn't even a seeker, that was the best part."

"Yes, James was insufferable two years ago, we all know that. But can we keep focused on this year, please?" Lily was still combing the displays with her eyes, hunting. But she already knew she wasn't going to find anything. She sighed, dejected. "I was hoping there would be something here that I would just see and just know that it's the right thing, but—"

"Shit," Mary muttered, her eyes trained on something over Lily's shoulder. "Don't turn around."

Lily, naturally, turned around.

James Potter and Peter Pettigrew were skirting their way around the perimeter of the chaos in the shop. Lily was certain if they had spotted her or her friends they would stop to talk, but given that she was only here to buy a present for one of them her immediate reaction was to spin back around.

Marlene spotted her unease. "Maybe they won't see us?" she offered.

"Don't say that," Lily whispered. "They always see us when you say that."

"Hey, Evans!"

With a last glare to Marlene, Lily plastered on a smile and turned around. "James! Peter! What a surprise."

The pair elbowed their way over, a feat that looked much easier for James given his taller stature. His smile was wide. "I didn't know you liked antiquing."

"What are you guys doing in here?" Peter asked.

"Oh, you know..." Lily offered a vague gesture. "Browsing."

"I dragged them in here," Marlene said, quickly. "I thought I could find a gift for my grandmother."

Lily send her a brief but thankful glance before turning back to him. "What about you? I thought you were camped out in the Three Broomsticks with the rest of them."

"And miss this? Wouldn't dream of it," said James. "Though I also needed a repair kit for my broom." He held up a small, wooden box. "I somehow managed to chip the end of my broom in the last match against Ravenclaw."

"I told you, I think it was that one bludger," said Peter.

"Couldn't have been," replied James. "It never got that close to me."

"Well," said Lily, making pointed eye contact with Mary and Marlene. "We should probably get going and go grab some lunch or something."

"I'm not that hungry," Mary said. Marlene pinched her arm. "I mean, yes, let's go get a butterbeer."

"Oh," James blinked. "Alright. I'll see you around."

With a hurried goodbye, the trio stepped back out into the snowy high street of the village. Lily crossed her arms against the cold as they walked back down the street.

"The repair kit would have been a great gift," She groaned into the wind. "I should break his broom again and go buy him another..."

-x-

Lily returned to the castle later that afternoon empty handed but trying extremely hard not to think about it.

She had been doing a fine job of it, too—Mary and Marlene had serenaded her with Christmas carols in the carriage ride up, humored her with their best impressions of Mr. Filch, and even allowed her the time to mournfully take in the castle among the snowy Scottish landscape. "Look how safe this looks," Lily had said. "It's so peaceful. We're never going to see this again."

And Mary and Marlene had stood by her side, the three looking out onto the grounds as their breath left them in puffs of fog.

So upon their return to the common room, Lily had almost forgotten about the whole thing entirely. Until—

"Oh, Lily," Mary had paused in her efforts to untangle her scarf from around her neck in front of the Christmas tree near the couch. "There's something for you here."

Lily moved closer to look. A small and neatly wrapped present sat beneath the tree, her name visibly marked in a tidy scrawl on its accompanying tag.

"Ooh," Marlene said, coming up behind them, "from your Secret Santa, Lil. How exciting."

And it was, she supposed, stooping to collect the present. Beneath the plain wrapping paper was a long, thin box, and upon opening it she discovered an Eagle feather quill.

"Oh, like the one you lost!" said Marlene. "That was nice of them."

It was perfect, but despite the small moment of gratification she felt immediately crestfallen.

She had absolutely nothing to give to James.

Whoever had given this gift to her obviously put in some thought, or at the very least knew her well enough to know that it would be something she would thoroughly appreciate. And given her struggles over the past week it was at this point safe to say that she did not know James well enough to find something that would do that same for him.

What were they to each other, even? Peers, at the very least, having shared duties and responsibilities the past few months. But beyond that? James used to be easy for her to classify—a source of frustration and irritation. Someone who's presence was generally tolerated until he opened his mouth and almost certainly stuck his foot in it. Yet it changed, somewhere along the line. But looking back it was difficult to pin down exactly where that change occurred. Even more importantly, why it changed. Because as it was now, James was… what? A friend?

No, she concluded a few days later, walking next to James in the empty castle corridors on their weekly rounds. Friends was not quite the right word. That classification seemed flat, somewhat. As if it was either too much or not near enough. Friends was not the word she was looking for.

Lily watched the dual wand light cast their shadows on the wall as they walked. How strange it was to be in an undefined territory with someone.

"Are you okay, Evans?"

Lily blinked, turning to look at James' concerned expression. "Hm?"

"You've been quiet tonight." he elaborated. "You've hardly said a thing since we started."

"I don't usually talk your ear off though, do I?"

"No, but you're not mute the entire time" He turned to look at her fully as they walked. "You've been pretty quiet for the last few days, actually. I would say you're mad at me for something but your eyebrows are doing that thing they do when you're really in your head." He touched the spot between his own brows as if to prove his point.

"Oh yeah?" She kept her tone light, playful. "Because you know me so well, is that right?"

James shrugged, turning away again. "At least enough to know when you have something on your mind."

"It's nothing, I think." Lily managed a small smile. Their steps echoed off the stone of the corridor, the sound in near sync. "I'm sorry, I'll try to be better company. Do you want to make a bet on how many couples we're going to interrupt tonight?"

He didn't answer, and her attempt at raising the mood fell flat. He seemed to be focused on his feet as they walked. "Is it what happened? The attack?"

In all honesty, the attack on Eleanor Davies' family that had been on the forefront of everyone's thoughts over the past few days had hardly graced the consciousness of Lily's mind. She was filled with guilt at the idea of hiding behind it, so she moved to correct him. "No, that's not—"

But then he spoke again, this time his tone little softer, more serious, and Lily felt herself still. "I know we're not exactly close," he started, "and I know I wouldn't be the first person you would go to about this, but… I don't want you to feel as if this world, the wizarding world, is only filled with people like that—with people who would do things like that. But I'm also not naïve enough to stand here and tell you that it's a perfect place. It's been happening for months—years, even, and the reality is there are some terrible people out there. I don't…" He paused. "I guess I don't really know what I'm trying to say, and even if I'm did I'm sure I wouldn't know what exactly to say, but the point is I hate seeing you have to worry about this. I hope that someday you don't have to."

And then Lily studied him, there under the glow of torch light. "Thanks, James."

He gave a nod in return. And then they continued their course in the dark, empty hallways.

Why couldn't she establish a boundary, a definition into what they were?

It was because he kept doing things like that. Surprising her. Easing into the caring and considerate side she somehow always knew he had from the easy-going, effortless, banter-filled personality he typically was. It was what muddied the waters and made her realize he was not who she thought he was and (more importantly, it seemed) they were not what she thought they were. They kept changing, evolving—too fast for Lily to keep up. It was because of moments like that, moments that made her still, just a little, that made something this simple be so difficult.

Yes, she thought, drifting off to sleep that night. It was James' fault, really.

-x-

But despite this new revelation, Lily was still unable to think of an appropriate gift.

She checked the holiday advertisements in the Daily Prophet each morning, hoping for something to jump out among the self-knitting socks and dragonhide gloves. She eavesdropped on her fellow student's gift conversations in the halls for potential inspiration which never came. None of it seemed to be James, and none of it seemed to be good enough.

Lily's mood was starting to sour.

"Still nothing?" Mary asked over dinner the Monday before break started. Lily let her silence speak for itself and pushed her food around on her plate. "Well, at this point I don't know what to tell you."

"You don't have to tell me anything, just find me a time turner to go back and pick someone else," said Lily.

Mary only laughed. "Don't be so dramatic."

Lily turned to look down the table to where James sat, surrounded by the rest of his friends and laughing heartily at whatever Sirius and Peter were saying. "I can't believe this is how my last Christmas at Hogwarts is going—fretting over what to get James Potter for Christmas."

"Ask Sirius," Marlene suggested. "He would know, wouldn't he?"

The suggestion was so obvious Lily was mildly embarrassed she didn't think of it sooner. Of course Sirius Black would know—the pair had been attached by the hip since that first day on the train. If he didn't know what James wanted for Christmas, James wouldn't know either."

So after dinner, Lily made her move as they crossed the Entrance Hall.

"Hey, Sirius!"

The four of them turned at her voice, stopping for her to catch up. Sirius himself greeted her by pretending to tip an invisible hat at her. "Evans."

"Could I speak with you a moment?" Lily tried to avoid James' attempts to make eye contact with her.

"Oh," Sirius looked mildly surprised, turning back to his friends. "I guess I'll catch up with you guys later."

Once the other three began to climb the stairs, the Marauder eyed Lily curiously. "So what can I help you with, Evans?"

"Oh, you know…" Lily was suddenly very hesitant about this entire idea. Sirius was James' best friend—they were closer than brothers. What if he didn't understand? "Just wanted to know how you were doing, checking in and all…"

He looked skeptical. "Are you serious?"

She nodded, lips pressed tight. "Yep."

Sirius turned on his heel and began to head for the staircase. Lily followed, on his heels.

"Well, I really appreciate you checking in on me, Evans," Sirius began. "I was sitting at the dinner table today thinking, wow, do you know who hasn't graced me with her presence in a while? Lily Evans. Honestly, once I realized that I suddenly became aware that I don't know how I'm doing because you haven't asked."

Lily grinned at his teasing. "Sirius, come on."

"No, no," he kept going, a sly grin of his own spreading from the corners of his mouth. "I mean it. It is truly an honor to be asked upon by a head girl such as yourself. And here I thought you were getting too big for us common-folk."

"No, seriously," her voice dropped lower, and she stepped closer to him so that her shoulder occasionally brushed his as they walked. "How are you doing? You know, with everything."

"You mean since a ministry official was blown out of his living room? Peachy."

His tone was sardonic, bitter. Lily knew about Sirius' struggles with his family, most of Hogwarts did, but she also understood him, to a degree. She let his sarcastic remark drop, let him hide behind it, and instead said, "You know I consider us to be friends, right?"

"Do you?" asked Sirius. "I hadn't the slightest idea. You should have sent me a formal request."

"Can't you ever be serious?"

"I'm always Sirius." He grinned wickedly. Lily rolled her eyes. "If you want me to stop, you have to tell me why you really waited around after dinner to talk with me."

She steeled herself. "Fine. Um, what would James want for Christmas?" Lily asked, trying to keep her voice casual. "Say from, like, an almost friend?"

Sirius paused in the middle of the corridor and looked at her, seemingly considering the sight before him. Then, "Are you James' secret Santa?"

"No," Lily said (too) quickly. "That's not why I asked. I asked because I do know who it is, and they asked me, to come ask you, for ideas. I guess they have it in their head that I have some sort of in with you guys and could figure it out for them."

For another moment Sirius was still, his gaze trained on Lily thoughtfully. "Huh," he only said, before continuing down the corridor. Lily went to catch up.

"So, any ideas?"

"No."

"What?" Lily fought a groan. "How would you not know? What am I supposed to tell my poor friend, who has been very stressed out over this entire thing, mind you, and—"

Sirius turned suddenly, causing Lily to jump back. "Evans, cut the bullshit. It's you, isn't it?"

Lily crossed her arms over her chest. "There's a good possibility."

"Then what's the big deal?" he asked her. "I don't understand, just get him something."

"I can't, we've only been on good terms for…" she tried to count. "I don't know, four months total?"

Sirius looked thoughtful. "It has been a while since you've hexed him, hasn't it?"

Lily sighed. "They were warranted hexes, Sirius…"

"Oh I know that, believe me," Sirius said. "I just don't understand why it's so hard for you to get him a simple gift. Go get him some sugar quills, he likes those."

She sighed. "No, that's too impersonal."

"Quidditch goggles? His are scratched."

"Too utilitarian."

"Uh, alright, how about a book? He likes magical theory."

"I'm not giving him a book, Sirius."

"Shave Mrs. Norris, then."

"Sirius."

Sirius rounded on her, arms thrown wide in an overdramatic expression. "What, Lily? I've given you a couple of good ideas, and you've shut them all down. I don't understand what the problem is, just pick something!"

"They're just... not good enough." Lily couldn't find it in herself to look Sirius in the eye as she spoke. "I can't think of anything to get him that doesn't feel…" She met his gaze and tried not to think about what she saw looking back at her. "It's just not enough, alright?"

Sirius seemed to sober a bit, standing a little straighter.

"Listen," he said, his voice softening. "I don't really know what the deal is with you two. But clearly it's a good thing, yeah? To be honest, I really don't think it matters what you get him so long as it something that came from you."

"Yes but…" It's not enough. "It matters to me."

Sirius shrugged. "Then… I guess you're the only one who can figure this out."

Lily sighed. "I was afraid that might be the answer."

Sirius began to back away, leaving her standing alone. "You're a smart girl, Evans. You can figure it out."

She watched him leave, feeling absolutely lost.

-x-

On Wednesday evening, Lily took refuge in the library in an attempt to face the still uncompleted pile of essays and assignments she would prefer to get done before the holiday began. The attempt, however, proved futile, as despite having sat with her Potions research open in front of her for the past half an hour she could not seem to concentrate. Stupid, stupid…

"Did you get my present?"

Lily looked up from the book she hadn't been reading to see Remus joining her at the table, looking mildly amused. She smiled at the sight. "That was you?"

He shrugged. "That was me."

"Thank you, Remus," said Lily. "I love it. I've been using it nonstop." She motioned to where it rested on the table next to her book.

He waved his hand noncommittally. "James had been saying how you've been going on about needing a new one, so…"

"Oh," said Lily. "I hadn't realized he had paid attention to that."

"You know, Sirius came to me the other day and was absolutely convinced I should switch my Secret Santa recipient with James. But, of course, I had already given it to you. Evidently I had, quote, 'wasted a golden opportunity,' unquote, and that I, quote, 'would never believe how funny it would have been,' unquote. I take it you have James?"

Lily groaned inwardly. "I don't know why I thought asking Black for help would be a good idea. He didn't even give me any useful gift ideas."

"You still don't have anything for him?" He looked surprised. "You know Friday is the last day before the holiday, right?"

"I know," Lily said, glumly. "This is terrible. I was not expecting James to be this hard to shop for."

Remus shrugged. "I mean he's really not—a good pick from Zonko's goes far." Lily spared him a look. "I'm just saying, I think you're overthinking this."

"That's what everyone has been saying."

He looked at her pointedly. "Probably because everyone is right."

Lily rubbed her temples. "This was supposed to be fun. Why aren't I having fun?"

"I think the better question relates more to why you are putting so much pressure on this gift in the first place," said Remus.

"Because..." she stopped herself, sighing. She was not going to stumble over an answer to that question for the umpteenth time. "I don't know, Remus, alright? I really don't know."

Remus looked as if he might have something else to say to that, but he instead closed his mouth and only nodded, slowly.

-x-

On Wednesday night, Lily climbed through the portrait hole ready to throw something.

This entire thing had been her idea. She had two days, two days, to find James Potter the perfect Christmas present. On top of that, all the time she had already spent fretting over this dilemma was time away from her end of term assignments which included a Charms essay, a Defense essay, a Potions write up—

Lily looked up. And the sight of James Potter, hunched over a wireless in a corner of the common room stopped her completely.

Of course. Of course.

They weren't friends. It wasn't enough. Wasn't even close to being enough.

Because there were no words to describe what he was to her, really. Only gestures, or feelings. It was something she had never needed to put into words because for herself she only had to think of one thing and just know, immediately, what it meant. James was hot chocolate by the fire, wind in a rainstorm, the sound of a quill scratching against parchment. The warm feeling she got in the center of her chest when she spoke with him. Something both challenging and comforting.

It didn't matter that she couldn't describe it in words. All she really knew was that she liked being around him, and wanted to keep doing so.

She turned away from James and left him alone to listen to the radio.

-x-

On the last day before the holidays, a Friday, a small party was held in Gryffindor common room.

A table in the corner was adorned with leftovers from the feast lifted from the kitchen. The glow of the fire cast the space in a merry light which only elevated the mood of students who now had the end of term assignments behind them. The murmur of conversation and laughter over the low beat of the holiday music created a lull that coated the common room. And Lily, in a burgundy sweater and black skirt, stood at the fringes. Her fingers rapped along the surface of the small box she grasped in her hands as she surveyed the scene.

It was near impossible to ignore the rather festive group of seventh years holding court by the tree, currently enraptured in singing their own creative and off-key versions of Christmas carols. Sirius and Peter seemed to be competing in how off pitch they could get, while Remus pretended to conduct with his wand.

But he wasn't there.

"Hey," she said, approaching the trio. "Where is—" Sirius only paused from his singing long enough to extend out an arm toward the portrait hole. "Thank you," she said instead, ignoring the gleam in his eye.

"Merry Christmas, Lily!" Peter called out after her.

She didn't know where he was, or where exactly she was that she was going to go to look, but the moment she stepped out into the corridor she began to walk. Her feet carried her along the corridor, down the stairs, past closed doors and sleeping portraits. Her feet carried her deeper into the castle, not really thinking of anything else except that she needed to find him and give him—

And then she saw him, in a courtyard. He leaned against a window ledge, a book open in his hands.

Lily stilled herself. And moved.

"I want you to know," she started, walking towards him, "that I just had the most stressful two weeks of the entire year. And it was because of you. Well, me, really. But you."

James looked up, confused, his back straightening and the book closing in his hands. "Evans, what are you—"

She cut him off. "Are we friends?"

"What?"

"Me and you. Would you consider us to be friends?"

His brow furrowed. "Are you saying you don't?"

"No, I'm saying…" Lily sighed. "I pulled your name for the Secret Santa and I just want you to know… well, I had the worst time trying to figure out what to get you. And I'll tell you why."

James still had a looked of pure and utter confusion on his face, but did not interrupt her when she paused to steel her breath. Just say it, she urged herself, desperate and excited to get it over with.

"I remembered you said last week that we weren't exactly close, but I don't think fully agree with that. I don't know when this happened—or how, even— but for a while you've been the person I've been wanting to turn to. And I couldn't— I couldn't figure out what that meant, what we were, but then I realized that it really doesn't matter. I don't exactly know what 'close' means to you, but I'm not going to try to define it for myself either. What I do know is sometimes when we talk it's like, I don't know, like you've always been in my life. And I hope that whatever this is, whatever we are, will continue after school is over, once we're both thrown into whatever terrible thing that's waiting for us. I hope we'll still be in each other's lives."

James kept silent, expression unreadable.

Lily exhaled. The breath came out shaky. "Anyway, I made this for you in an attempt to show you what all of that means, since I can't say it, clearly." She extended out the small brown box with its red ribbon with both hands.

Slowly and wordlessly he accepted it, untied the bow, and removed the lid.

What Lily had realized that night in the common room was that the elusive definition to their relationship she had been chasing would always be two steps ahead of her. Or behind her. Because no matter what they were, friends or enemies or anything in between, what always stayed constant was that they were James and Lily. A dynamic that, no matter how much it grew or changed, always seemed to stay the same. No amount of change could alter the fact that, somehow, who they were was tied to the other.

It was like Marlene had said; it always seemed to be James.

With that realization, that small yet impossibly big enlightenment, Lily had known immediately what she should get James.

He lifted it from the box, gingerly, as if it could break in two at the smallest disturbance.

In his fingertips rested a tiny, golden snitch.

Lily tried to gauge his expression, nerves bundling and rolling about in the pit of her stomach. He still hadn't said anything.

Then, James grinned, eyes rising slowly to meet hers. "Did you steal a snitch for me?"

And it was like the nerves that had coiled at the pit of her stomach had never been there at all. Lily smiled, relieved. "I did." James shook his head, smiling, the significance not lost on him. "But that's not all—look."

James held the snitch up closer to his face. In the torchlight, the small phrase which had appeared at his touch was illuminated:

For James, who he is now, and who we will be.
– LE
Christmas 1977

"You would not believe how difficult it was to figure out how to modify the flesh memory charm," Lily said, talking through the heat of his gaze. "Honestly, knicking the thing was the easy part. It required five books, hours of trial and error—if my grade's suffer I want you to know it's on you—"

She was cut off by the sudden movement of him pulling her in, his arms circling around her neck in an embrace. Her mouth was pressed into his shoulder which prevented words from being formed, but even if she were able she had been stunned into silence. He was warm, she noted. And smelled faintly of pine. The hug only lasted a few seconds—James pulled away, still clutching the box and snitch in one hand.

"Thank you, Lily," he said. "Really, it's great."

She could not seem to look him in the eye. "Yeah, it was no problem. And thank you, um, for telling Remus about my quill."

"Oh, yeah," he said. "I just thought… well, since you liked it so much…"

"Yeah, yeah," she said, perhaps a little too quickly. "Well, I mean, it's a great quill. They glide so smoothly across parchment, and my hand doesn't cramp as fast during tests anymore."

"Oh, well, then yeah, I'll be sure to pick up another."

They were silent now, alone in the hallway. James' fingers fiddled with the snitch the way he used to during difficult class assignments.

"Should we go back to the party?" James suggested. "Sirius did put all of that effort into getting the food and everything."

"Yeah, probably," Lily agreed. The pair turned, beginning the short walk back up to Gryffindor tower.

"You know you didn't have to put in this much effort," James commented idly, giving the snitch a small toss in the air. "I just got an assorted bag of treats from Honeydukes for my person."

And Lily finally laughed, the sound reverberating off the stone walls as they climbed the staircase. He looked over at her, eyes glinting with both confusion and amusement. But Lily could only shake her head, the smile still stretched across her mouth. "Merry Christmas, James."

He was smiling, too. "Merry Christmas, Lily."