Chapter 41

I am running as fast as I can, pushing my way through the crowd of people in the Pit, ignoring as they complain about my rudeness and push my body to get home faster.

As soon as I was out of my fear landscape, I bolted out of the room, wanting to get home to check if my family is still there where I left them. I needed to see with my own eyes that Tobias and Rose are alive and well. I needed to tell them how much I love them both and that I would die without them in my life.

I reach my apartment door out of breath and panting, dizzy from the lack of oxygen and exhausted from the terrible fear landscape I had just endured.

I left without my keys, so now I am forced to bang on my door like a lunatic, probably startling my little girl. But I need to get in. I need to see them. I need to embrace and kiss them and make sure that they are real and not a figment of my imagination.

Not a moment too soon, the door swings open and Tobias pulls me into his arms. I don't think, and jump up, wrapping arms and legs around his tall, muscular frame and sob into his shoulder. He holds me close to him, rubbing my back soothingly, while whispering how much he loves me.

Somehow, he manages to close and lock the door and walk to the couch with me still attached to him, like a hungry leech. He sits down, and I straddle his lap, while still clinging to him for dear life.

I have no idea for how long I'm just wrapped in his arms, before the unmistakable sound of my baby girl is heard through the baby phone. I pull back, my vision slightly blurry from the many tears I've shed, and look at my husband. He reaches out to wipe my tears and kisses my lips softly.

"I know how awful the fear landscape is, but nothing in there is real. Whatever you saw, it isn't real," he tells me firmly, and I nod. I know the fear landscape isn't real, but my fears are.

I stand up and clean my face with a tissue as best as I can, as Tobias goes to bring our daughter into the living room.

"Mama, sad," Rose says, and I turn around to look at her. New tears spring to my eyes, and I let them fall as I go to get my baby from her father. Tobias hands her over to me, and I immediately cuddle her to my chest.

"Mama was sad, but Mama is happy now that I can hold you," I tell her honestly.

We all sit down, and I cradle my baby in my arms, while Tobias holds his arm protectively around the both of us. I am grateful that Tobias doesn't ask questions and that Rose is content to snuggle with us. She would usually get bored pretty quickly and demand to play with her stuffies, but right now, she is a good little girl for her mommy and allows me to get my fill of her.

"Mama," she says, and I look at her.

"Yes, baby?"

"No sad," she tells me and I smile.

"I promise, I won't be sad anymore. I love you, baby," I tell her, and snuggle her back into me. "Mommy loves you so much," I choke, and feel how she shifts in my arms to wrap her little arms around me.

"Lub you, Mama," she says, and gives me a wet kiss on my cheek.

"What about me?" Tobias suddenly asks, and we both look at him. He pouts slightly, causing me to chuckle and Rose to laugh. "Don't my girls love me too?"

"Yes, we do. Very much so," I tell him, and lean in to kiss his cheek, but he moves his face in the last second, and our lips connect, causing Rose to giggle.

"Dada, lub you," Rose squeals, and starts to reach for him. I let him take her to give her a hug, and smile at how adorable they look together.

Seeing them both alive and happy, I decide to get my shit together and stop the wailing. Tobias is right. The fear landscape isn't real, yet it feels like it is while in it. Also, the fears I have are real, and the images within the fear landscape are just a manifestation of them. I don't quite understand all of them, seeing that I was confused as to why I seemed to be scared of crows. Tobias actually helped me understand my fear. Maybe I should tell him what I saw. After all, he confided in me what he saw in his fear landscape.

Deciding to leave this conversation for another time when our little one isn't around, Tobias offers to clean her up for lunch, while I go and heat up the leftovers we have. I pull out the lasagna from the fridge and heat up the oven. Within minutes, my husband and daughter return, and Tobias puts Rose into her highchair, before pulling out plates for us, while I prepare Rose's lunch. It doesn't take us long, and the three of us enjoy a quiet family meal.

I know that Tobias wants to know what had frightened me so badly for me to come home the way I did, but I don't want Rose around to see me that distraught again. Once she'll be down for her nap, I'll have to bring up the courage to go through my memories again. The first three fears are familiar to me. It's the following three that are new. I wonder why they never came up during practice.

"Why don't you get Rose ready for her nap, and I'll clean up here?" Tobias offers, and I nod happily. He knows that our baby always cheers me up when I'm down.

Rose is a delight. Despite us being very young when we had her, she was an exceptionally good baby and we hardly had much headache raising her so far. I'm sure, once our little girl hits puberty that will change.

It takes Rose about twenty minutes and a very long bedtime story to fall asleep, but when she finally does, I sigh. I have to tell Tobias what I saw. But a part of me is scared – what will he think? I know I can't control my fears, but it's unsettling that they affect me so much.

Leaving the nursery, I find Tobias on the balcony, looking out over the city. I try not to startle him as I join him there. For a while, none of us says anything. I need time to process things, and he is probably sensing I need some space.

"Tris, you don't have to tell me about your fear landscape," he suddenly says, and I look up at him, only to find him looking at me intensely. He is serious, but his gaze is still loving.

"I know, but I want to. You shared yours with me, and I know you can help me process this better than I ever could on my own," I tell him, and he nods.

"Whenever you are ready," he encourages.

I take a deep breath and start reiterating what my first three fears are. He doesn't seem surprised, which is normal, given that the point of us going through the fear simulations was to face our own fears and learn to handle them properly, but then, I get to the part of my other fears. I tell him everything I've seen and felt, and wait for him to say something. He remains quiet for a long while, and I wonder if maybe I should have waited for a more appropriate time to discuss this with him. Then again, when would that be?

"Tris, you are nothing like Marcus, so get that out of your pretty, little head. You would die before laying a finger on Rose, so never doubt yourself," he tells me sternly. I want to protest, but deep down I know he is right. The sole thought of hurting my little girl causes me physical pain, and I rub my chest to soothe it out.

"I know, but it felt so real. Why would I see that in my fear landscape?" I ask him, close to tears.

"I can't say for sure, but as a parent, I can only guess. You are afraid that no matter what you do, Rose will end up hating you. Am I right?" he asks, and I look away ashamed. The thought had crossed my mind several times since her birth.

I often wonder if I'm doing a good enough job, if I am a good mother and a good wife. It's not like I have a manual. Add to that the stress of keeping Rose hidden from my folks at first, and definitely away from Marcus, combined with life here in Dauntless, makes me wonder if I'm good enough.

"Babe, I know how you feel. Every parent knows that fear. I didn't want to say anything to you, but sometimes I lay awake and wonder if I'm a good enough father and husband," he confesses and my head snaps to him.

"Of course, you are. You are wonderful, and Rose and I love you so much," I tell him, vehemently, wrapping my arms around his upper body. He smiles softly at me, before kissing my forehead gently.

"Thank you, love. Same goes for you. I know we got married young, but you took your role as wife and mother very seriously and did a terrific job. We both know that we aren't flawless and we are prone to make mistakes, but that's life. We learn from them and try to do better next time. I asked around the guys who have kids, and they all share our fears," he tells me and I nod.

Sometimes when I would go pick up Rose from daycare, I would run into other mothers and while waiting we would end up chatting. They often tell me how overwhelmed they feel at times and wonder if they do a good job. Even my mother told me that she had those same doubts. I guess, those fears are the fears of every parent.

"I think, the fact that you saw Marcus doesn't necessarily mean that you fear becoming like him, but to fail as a parent. Our fears reside deep inside our subconscious and when we get injected with the fear simulation serum our brains try to make sense of them. Marcus played an important negative part in both our lives, so seeing him doesn't surprise me. After all, he is in my fear landscape too. But, Tris, there is no way you will ever become like him. You are incapable of that. Yes, you might have been trained as a soldier, but you never lifted a malicious finger against anyone," he tells me, staring deeply into my eyes.

I know he is right, and perhaps going through the whole fear landscape took a greater toll on me than I thought. I nod my head, and we enter the living room, sitting down on the couch. I snuggle into him and he holds me close to his warm body.

"Babe," he suddenly says, and I look up, only to find him looking at me with a wide grin. I frown, not understanding what got him in such a good mood. "You have six fears," he says, and my eyes widen.

I think of what he said, and mentally count them down. There is the fear with the crows – that's one; then being tied to a stake – that's two; then the water tank that threatens to drown me – that's number three; then comes the awful fight with Rose, followed closely by Marcus and my transformation back into frail Beatrice – that's four and five; the last one is finding Tobias and Rose dying and me unable to save them. Six. I have six fears.

"Congratulations, Mrs. Eaton, you have the second lowest number of fears in the history of Dauntless," he says, and smiles proudly. I can't help but allow my own smile to appear on my face.

"We can be Four and Six now," I say with a chuckle, and he laughs, nodding in approval.

"I still like Mrs. Four better," he replies, and kisses my lips. I hate that name, but I love my man.

Four and Six.