A/N: DISCLAIMER: I own nothing related to Fate Stay Night or any of its content, etc, so on and so forth.

Another disclaimer, this is part/standalone segment of the NOT GOING HOME series, entailing the chaotic antics of a somewhat-immortal Naruto wandering through different universes, timelines and such in search of a purpose and entertainment. I say again, this story traverses multiple timelines, alternate realities, shows, games, so and and so forth. While it DOES possess a plot, tts chaotic, silly, fun, and meant to make you smile. If that's not your cup of tea for a crossover, or you prefer a more serious tale, then by all means, feel free to leave.

I DID mention I'd explain how he and Saber met and eventually fell in love, did I not?

Consider this that story, of a sort.

Happy belated New Year!

So.

Fate Stay Night.

I just discovered it.

Suppose we have Fate Extella to thank for that. Its story truly moved me.

Don't even get me started about, Nero, Tamamo, or Altera...

Speaking of which, if you're not familiar with Fate extra OR Extella you're gonna be confused.

From there I started watching Fate Stay Night, found out about the whole Multiverse thing and whatnot. The latter made my head spin like crazy, but I suppose that's to be expected. I was AWARE of the games and Saber in hindsight, but holy crap that's a lot of movies, shows and books! In all honesty, I don't know where to go after Fate Stay Night. Zero perhaps? Or Heaven's Feel? Grand Order? Perhaps Apocrypha?

Also, let me say something else.

FUCK.

SHINJI.

Fuck him with a rusty hammer. I really didn't think it was possible to hate a fictional character that much but damn was I wrong. What a twisted little shit!

So, in lieu of a long-ass author's note, I think we're just going to jump right in.

On another note, I'll likely write a more serious tale of this rather than the nonsensical story; one in which Naruto's his ordinary self, as in not nearly as powerful and mortal. One in which he gets his self dragged into the Holy Grail War. A Ninja's War. Hmm. Yeah, that has a nice ring to it!

But for now, I proudly present...

...Not my Grail!

"Ah, you're shocked, I see. Well, that's only natural. Magi are clever and calculating creatures; certainly not fools who would entrust their lives to me."

"Ho? That almost sounds poetic. Shame it doesn't apply."

"You! You...you're not entirely human, are you?"

"What gave it away? Was it the eyes?"

...point taken."

~A Servant and Her Master.

Contract

Ah, here we are at last!

Today, I think I'll recount the tale of how I met Saber.

No, no, no. That sounds wrong. I'm talking about HER, after all.

Is it wrong to love multiple facets of the same entity? I wonder about that.

Y'know, I feel there's a joke to be made here, but I just can't bring myself to say it.

You see, to tell her-their?-story in its entirety, I'll have to regale you about a certain Roman emperor.

Sorry if I've confused you, dear reader. Doubtlessly you're wondering as to the who-what-when-where-why-how of what happened here. In all honesty? I'm not sure. This realm is...more convoluted than most, though its not without its charm. Call them parallel words, alternate timelines, or what-have-you, the answer remains the same. I didn't initially come here for her sake at all; on the contrary, t'was a far less noble purpose that first drew me into this realm. Or realms, I suppose. Back then I had never seen a universe with so many variants, so many opportunities. Routes, choices, decisions! SO! MUCH!

Take a certain chap otherwise known as Shirou Emiya for example.

Would you believe me if I told there's more than one of him?

Different choices.

Different outcomes.

Different personalities, even.

In some realms he became an entity known as Counter Guardian. In others, not. In some he lived happily ever after. In others, he died. In some, he didn't exist at all. Can you believe it? One road, many endings, or so I believe the saying goes. For a a then-young wandering deity like myself, a glutton who craved entertainment and delight above all else, it was a godsend. I could relive different stories, with different endings every time! Finally, relief from the sheer boredom of it all! The idea of a war, of an item that could grant a singular wish, fascinated me. Moreso when I learned of the magic in the world and the mighty beings who could eventually be summoned to fight in it.

Thus I chose one of those "routes" and made my plans.

And I waited.

To be fair, I thought I possessed a certain grasp of the rules by then. In my arrogance, I thought I could simply barge right in, swipe some Command Seals off a certain asshat, then intrude as I always had, and not suffer any backlash whatsoever. Needless to say my "plan" if you could even call it such, didn't go over all that well. I helped some people, hurt others, and tried to manipulate everything, all in the name of a good time. Looking back, I'd like to give my foolish self a thrashing. Back then simply assumed all would be well in the end. How very wrong I was.

How very wrong indeed.

But still, we had fun.

Do I regret it?

Ah, but I digress.

Heh, its a bit of an odd story, now that I think about it.

In all honesty I'm not sure I should even be writing this at all, lest-hmm?

Nero?

Arturia?

Ah, Saber-san?

Darling? My dear wife?

Owowowowowowowowowow!

Alright, alright! I'll tell them, jeez!

Basically...multiverse theory's a bitch.

(...In an Undisclosed Area of Fuyuki...)

Saber had not expected to be summoned.

Nay, Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, Fifth Roman Emperor and great tyrant of legend, simply hadn't expected this outcome. She'd resigned herself to languish in the Throne of Heroes for all of eternity, to rot away and stew as war after war passed her by. There would be no great conquest for her, the field of battle would never call her name, nor would the distant opera know her voice evermore. Part of her had almost grown to accept the fact, though admitting it galled her pride.

Who would want to summon a conqueror forsaken by her own people?

Her true name corresponded to great evil in certain circles, and the end of her life had been a recchid and miserable one at that. Just as much as she was a a peerless emperor, she was also an artist with unshakable faith in her own genius, and the only absolute justice to her was a pure and peerless "beauty." Whether ally, enemy, her citizens, or herself, she refused to love anything that denied her precepts. This even held true even for a Master. If they were nothing but a crude, unseemly brute, she'd have naught to do with them. If they were unseemly, she would strike them down.

And thus, she was seldom summoned.

No magus in the world would wish to wield a weapon who based themselves solely upon beauty after all.

...Well, that's only natural.' she'd thought to herself. 'Magi are clever and calculating creatures; certainly not fools who would entrust their lives to me.'

Which was precisely why she found herself so flummoxed now.

...what sorcery is this?"

"Ho? That almost sounds poetic. Shame it doesn't apply."

Whipping about, she found only empty air.

Madness.

Who or what had brought her here?

Perhaps not so much summoned as dragged back to this world by a powerful yet unseen force, the peerless empress in turn voiced her quiet dismay into the grove in which she now found herself. None of it made a lick of sense; one moment she'd stood alone, in the dark. The next, she found herself abruptly pulled from the black and unto the light. With that her armored shin began to protest most loudly and Nero realized she'd landed on bent knee and the cause for pins and needles aside, she was otherwise dirtying her pristine red-white gown. At this, the rest of the world rushed in, eager to make her acquaintance once more. The warm night air wrapped its arms around her body like a long lost friend, holding tight to her frame.

As she hazarded a glance for her surroundings, she found herself confronted with ever more questions.

There was the remains of the summoning circle beneath her of course.

The empty forest in which she stood.

That faint sensation of-

"Ah." a rough voice greeted her. "So this summoning business actually works. Remarkable."

"...?!"

In a rush of air Nero found herself aware of a presence lurking behind her.

With a thought she summoned her ancient blade Aestus Estus to her hand and spun, bringing red sword's curving edge to bear against their throat. At least, that had been her intention. Instead she found her weapon all but stalled against an exposed forearm, carefully held back against the length of a clenched fist. A tattered red sleeve was all she glimpsed before her assailant counterattacked; with a raw heave they spun and flung her her over his shoulder sword and all, forcing the crimson-clad warrior to vault some distance away.

"Hey, now!" a touch of indignation colored the man's-for this was most certainly a man's-formerly placid voice. "Is that any way to treat your Master?"

"Hmph!" Nero grit her teeth despite herself. "And who are you?! Did you summon me?"

For a fleeting instant, she almost thought she saw a muscle jump in his jaw.

"Noooo, I just called you because I wanted to bask in your beauty."

"Answer me then," she growled, "Are you my Praetor?"

"What, you don't believe me? I'm hurt!"

She was not expecting...

...whatever this was.

Eyes the color of amber bored into her jade orbs with frightful intensity; those slitted cross-shaped pupils nigh narrow and intent. Framed by whiskered cheeks and a spiky mop of blond hair. There was a certain rugged beauty to behold in his features, though rough and unrefined. Likewise his clothing wasn't terribly exceptional, though she did applaud the dash of red and black mingled within his attire; despite the fact that the latter consisted of little more than a pair of darkened sandals and pants replete with pockets and a faded red tee, over which he'd thrown a battered orange jacket. Regardless of what she herself thought of him he showed no fear of her; nay, he strode towards her again, arms resting comfortably at his sides.

Upon reaching her, he dropped to a knee and extended hand upward to her royal personage, though whether in fealty or peace, Nero knew not.

Regardless, she wasn't prepared for the abrupt change of pace.

"The name's Naruto. Uzumaki Naruto." he began, stoically meeting her gaze in spite of this brief gesture of humility. "And you! Nero Claudius, fifth emperor of Rome, ruler beyond compare!" the veracity of his statement, and that of her true name, momentarily struck sense from her as well. "I humbly present my hand to you as a token of fealty and goodwill in this war to come. Vivat diu Roma libera!"

Saber's.

Eyes.

Got.

Really.

Big.

Nero physically felt her face begin to burn a thousand shades of red, such that she couldn't even begin to contain herself.

In short?

Steam.

"W-W-What nonsense is this?!" she blurted out, flailing away from him, words tumbling wildly out of her. "You cannot simply blurt out such drivel so soon upon our first meeting! More importantly! My true name! How do you know it?! Who are you really?! Aaargh! Explanations! I demand them! At once!"

"In that order?" her summoner inclined his head and stood, tapping a finger to his chin as he did so. "Alright. One, its not nonsense if its true. Two, yes I can. Three, because I'm a fuck-mothering god, that's how. I killed a LOT of people to get this title and I deserve to be called such. Fourth, I already told you who I am. As to whether or not I summoned you, well...

He held out his palm.

"See for yourself."

"I shall!"

Fuming, she seizing his hand and peered at it.

Saber glimpsed it then, that eldritch symbol etched into his hand, a series of large rose petals that seemed to ripple in undulating waves. More than that, she felt a connection there; a presence synonymous with the fierce force that had reached out to her from the Throne of Heroes and called her...here. Wherever here was. Ah. The Command Seals. The summoning. Yes, it all added up.

The Holy Grail War.

A distant longing stirred deep within her breast at the thought of it; the chance that she might be able to fulfill her long-cherished wish.

But more importantly!

This one!

A god?!

The tiniest thorn of pride pricked Nero and held her back from believing him; many a man and a magus had claimed to be such, but all had been brought low in the end. By her blade or otherwise. She refused to believe a verified deity was standing before her unless proof-utterly insurmountable proof-lay before her eyes. There could be no beauty in making such false claims to godhood. Some might call the mighty roman emperor a skeptic for this, but it was simply her way. It would take more-far more!-than mere word of mouth to convince her of this.

Stubbornly, Nero folded both arms before her bosom and turned to face her would-be master.

"Praetor or not, you cannot simply claim to be-

"Can. Am. Will." the blond replied with a chipper air. "Watch."

Raising his right hand, he indicated a nearby tree and snapped his fingers.

With a thunderous explosion of sundered timber the mighty oak shattered into a cloud of towering sawdust. Another snap of Naruto's fingers and from the dust a fully crafted cabin made of logs crashed to the floor in its place, roof and all. Saber blinked, momentarily taken aback. Ah, so this was what they called a log cabin, then? She'd never seen a home like this before. There was something enchanting about its humble design. Despite the instinctive awe she felt at such a feat, Nero frowned. An impressive trick to be sure, but by no means enough to convince her.

"Such a display is not-

"Wait for it."

As she looked on that very cabin inexplicably grew legs, picked itself up, and began to dance before their very eyes. Despite its complete and utter lack of a mouth. Midway through its melodious tune the blond whistled sharply and the cabin vanished, reappearing in his outstretched hand as a mere toy, one he neatly tucked into one of his many pockets. Saber saw it all. Her expression whirled madly between shock, awe, disbelief, awe, and a touch of very real concern. In the end, all she managed was an inelegant sounding:

"Wha?!"

"See, told you." Naruto slung the words back in her face, beaming. "Do you believe me now?"

Maybe she did, maybe she didn't.

She refused to say.

Instead she whirled on him again.

"You! You...you're not entirely human, are you?"

"What gave it away?" again that light note of mockery. "Was it the eyes?"

...very well." realizing the futility of her efforts, Saber stifled a sigh. This one. Of course she'd be strapped with someone like this! One just as stubborn as she, no less! Well. At least he'd keep her on her toes throughout the war. And if she could claim the Grail then all the better. If she could just fulfill her wish, then perhaps...perhaps...

As though sensing that very thought, Naruto piped up once more.

"Well, the grail's actually corrupted-

"WHAT?!"

-and I fully intend to do something about that." the self-proclaimed deity continued without missing a beat. Indeed, he waved her very concerns aside with a flick of his fingers. "Don't worry; I'm an old hand at cleansing stuff. Shouldn't be too hard to purify it once we get our hands on it. So? What do you say?"

Yet again he extended his hand to her, this time with none of the sass by which she'd come to define him.

Nero flicked her gaze downward.

"What are you doing?"

"Sealing the deal." again that smile of his, shining like the sun! "Where I come from, we always shake when we make a promise...no, wait. I lie. It's just something I like to do. So? Whaddya say? Partners? You fight for me, and in return, I purify the grail. Then we round up a bunch of servants and go on grand adventures together. I think its pretty generous, don't you?"

Despite herself, Nero arched a slender eyebrow.

"You do realize I'll disappear once the deed is done, no?"

"God, remember? I can supply you with plenty of man, so no worries."

...fine, then!"

To her surprise, Naruto's hand was rough to the touch yet warm, scarred, but strong. His hand gripped hers in a firm vice, neither crushing, but not withholding either. A spark of surprise flickered through his face when she squeezed those fingers, threatening to break them through her own strength alone. Yet he felt...reliable, despite all he'd said and done. Was it foolish of her to think so? To blindly trust a man she'd only just met. If nothing else, she knew he'd never betray her. Nero couldn't explain just how she knew this, only that she did; that she'd felt it in that brief moment when their hands touched.

Naruto's chuckle, lighthearted as it was, almost made her wonder about his intentions, however.

"Right, right. We're set. But before we begin, I have just one question...

As she looked on, that smile became most twisted indeed.

...wanna conquer Fuyuki?"

Nero blinked, baffled.

"Conquer, Praetor? For whom?"

Naruto boomed a laugh.

"Why, for ROOOOOOOME of course!"

A/N: Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! And there we have it! In all honesty, I was going to have Naruto summon Saber-Artoria-but in the end it just didn't quite fit with my plans. Let's face it, it would take a LOT of convincing to win her over, and it still will. I figured he and Nero would get along swimmingly-especially given their mutual interests and personality. Heh, it going to be one hell of a ride when those two arrive!

Expect chaos to ensue!

For those who are wondering, Naruto's not above breaking reality to get what he wants. Ergo, we might see some other heroes pop up in this story.

So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly?

And enjoy the preview!

(Previews)

"DIBS ON THE BIG GUY!"

"Praetor!"

...will you just use Excalibur already? You're not even a bloody threat without your Noble Phantasm...

Artoria Pendragon, otherwise known as King Arthur, the legendary King of Knights who controlled Britain was genuinely at a lost for words. She'd fought in countless battles, waged war against foes innumerable, legends that would shake the very foundation of the earth itself. But this...this...

...this was new.

"What...what are you?"

Naruto's body rose stiffly and reached down to reclaim his severed head.

With a swift twist of the wrist, it reattached itself.

"Right now?" he growled, "A little pissed."

"Hello, mongrel!"

Gilgamesh visibly twitched.

"You have some nerve, saying that to me...

"Let's have some fun! A war to end all wars!"

"Ha! I like the way you think!"