Chapter One

Something was not right with Usagi-san.

Well, Usagi-san is always weird, but this behavior is not normal! He's actually working and meeting his deadlines on time! He's even been sleeping for 8 hours every night and hasn't pulled any crazy all-nighters. He hasn't put up a single fight with Aikawa-san or myself for almost a month now. A whole month! Something was seriously wrong!

I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what could be going on, but I can't think of a single decent explanation. He's done this before when he was upset with me and once when he was planning to take me on a trip for my birthday. However this time it's not my birthday and I know he's not mad at me. He still talks to me and grabs me from time to time. We haven't had sex as much, but that's totally fine with me!

It's not that it's such a bad thing that he's been focusing so hard on his work. Aikawa-san, Isaka-san, and I all appreciate it very much! I just can't help but get confused and worried. I hate not knowing what's going on inside his head, especially if it has something to do with me. Lovers are supposed to tell each other everything, right?

Well… I guess I have purposely kept things from him in the past, but that was a long time ago! I've grown since then! I now understand that keeping something to myself only hurts him more. He's the one who taught me that. So why the hell is he keeping secrets then?! That jerk!

I sigh loudly as I gather up my books on the table. It was impossible to concentrate, even if I was at the university library and not at the penthouse. I had planned to work some more on my senior thesis that I needed to complete in order to graduate, but that wasn't happening. All I could think about was Usagi-san keeping secrets from me.

How was I even so sure he was keeping secrets from me in the first place? Maybe he's just really into his writing right now! Maybe he's had a change of heart and this will become the new normal for him!

Yeah, right. Like I could ever get that lucky.

This strange behavior definitely won't last, but there's no telling when he'll go back to normal. For all I know he could be back to procrastinating right now! Deep down, I do hope that he'll go back to normal soon. Or at least tell me what the hell is going on inside his head!

"Takahashi!" a familiar voice called from behind me as I was walking out of the library.

I turned to see a very tall stack of books rushing towards me at an alarming speed. It'd be pretty awesome to die in an unusual way and leave behind a cool legacy, but being crushed to death by a stack of books nearly the same height as me is not the way I want to be remembered. That would be very pathetic.

Luckily the mountain stopped just a couple feet in front of me, the top few books wobbling slightly. Impulsively, I reached my hands up and steadied them just as a face appeared from around the side of them.

"Ah, Todo! You startled me!"

"Oh, sorry! I called your name."

"I heard that. I just didn't expect a stack of books to be coming towards me. I thought I was gonna die for a second!"

He grinned wildly. "Death by book mountain? That'd be a pretty cool way to die!"

"You mean awful! Oh, let me help you carry some of those." I grabbed half of the books from his stack, which ended up still being tall and heavy. "There! Now I can actually see your face normally."

"Thanks! The demon Kamijou caught me texting during class and his punishment for me is a 10,000 word essay on modern day Japanese literature and how it compares to 19th and 20th century literature."

My face went pale just thinking about it. A 10,000 word essay for a 4th year college student with a graduation thesis to write seemed a bit harsh. Especially since he was just texting. I remembered having a class with professor Kamijou my first year of university. He threw things at students who weren't paying attention during his lectures: books, pencils, chalk, chalkboard erasers, anything he could basically get his hands on. Probably whatever was closest to him at the time.

"He gave me two weeks to do it, so it shouldn't be so bad," Todo explained. "At least it's modern literature, written in modern Japanese. I can understand that much better than classical Japanese." He paused for a second. "Hey, do you think manga counts as modern literature?"

I couldn't help but chuckle. "To professor Kamijou, I highly doubt it."

He shrugged. "Worth a shot, I guess."

We carried his books to the checkout desk. There were all sorts of old books and a couple textbooks on 21st century Japanese literature as a whole, but no actual present day books. How could he write an essay on them if he didn't actually read some?

"Hey, these are all old books," I pointed out. "Don't you need to read some new ones?"

"Oh, yeah. I've got some at my apartment that I think could work for this essay. Although, I don't read books very often."

He never seemed like the type to read anything other than manga, so it was a little surprising that he owned any real books at all. Maybe he was more well-rounded than I thought, which is more than I can say for myself. The only books I've ever read that weren't for school work were Usagi-san's. Some were even his stupid boy's love novels that he keeps putting me in.

Not that I had a choice on those! That pervert made me read them!

Speaking of Usagi-san… I turned to the entrance of the library and looked at the giant cardboard stand promoting his newest novel (a normal one, thank god). I had noticed it when I first came in, but didn't really pay much attention to it. It was the novel that he had finished just before his weird behavior started. I'm pretty sure both the manuscript and the final draft were both a little late. It kind of made me curious to see what it was about. Maybe something about writing this novel made him start meeting his deadlines on time? I wonder how much the stuff he had been working on recently differed from his previous works.

Todo turned around as well with two giant bags filled with his books. "Oh, Usami-sensei has a new book out? Should I check that one out? It's a modern novel."

We started heading out of the library and I shrugged. "I haven't read it. I don't even know what it's about."

"He's your landlord and you don't read his books? Haven't you heard anything about it from him?"

"No, he's usually pretty quiet about his work."

Except maybe his boy's love novels. Sometimes he likes to put copies of them around where he knows I'll find them. I know he wants me to read them and sometimes I'll give in, just to see what horrible stuff he makes me do in them. Not that I was going to admit that to Todo!

Lately, I had been wondering what Todo would think about me dating another man. Of course he's my friend, but I don't know everything about him, so I have no idea how he would react to something like that. If it were him, I'd be very surprised to find out he had a male lover. But I'd be supportive as well.

Would I have been that way several years ago, before I met Usagi-san? Before I started dating a man, how did I think and feel? It's almost too long ago to remember. I wasn't prejudiced against gay people, but I probably wasn't supportive of that lifestyle. I definitely thought it was wrong and something to be ashamed of.

"So are you free right now?" Todo asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. "You wanna go grab a bite to eat?"

I almost said yes, but for some reason, I just wanted to go home… and see Usagi-san.

"Sorry, I can't. I have to cook dinner tonight. That's how I pay my rent, you know."

"Ah, right. You're so lucky, Takahashi. Wish I could pay my rent that way."

My lips pulled upwards slightly. "Yeah. I guess I'm pretty lucky."

Yeah… things have definitely changed for me since meeting Usagi-san.

I sat at my desk in my room, trying so hard to finish my thesis. It was close to being done, but I couldn't seem to make myself stop thinking about a certain rabbit long enough to do much school work. The past week had passed by incredibly slowly. I had school and my part time job, but the rest of my free time was filled with nothingness. Usually, I'd get roped into some crazy antics that involved Usagi-san during those times. Or he'd at least be paying a lot of attention to me.

Don't get me wrong – I don't like being smothered with attention all the time and I like my alone time. But a little over a month without my lover paying attention to me is too much! It was really starting to get to me. I wished I could read his mind and just know what was going on inside his head. Was he just hiding something from me? If he was, why was he doing it? What was so bad that he couldn't tell me about it at all?

His behavior was making me worry to the point where I was beginning to wonder if his feelings about me had changed. It was very depressing to think about how maybe… he doesn't love me anymore.

These thoughts had crossed my mind before, except it was a few years ago when the relationship was new and I didn't know anything about having a lover. In fact, I was even in denial that we were even in a relationship at all. At that time, Usagi-san had slightly distanced himself from me because he was feeling insecure about my feelings. He didn't know how I felt about him at all. Actually, I think he must have felt like I hated him with the way I acted all the time. Luckily, I was able to prove to him that I do love him and that was the end of that.

Could it really be that again? There's no way! He knows now that I love him and want to be with him. I've told him many times before that I want to stay with him. I even told him a while ago that I planned on telling my brother about us. Would I do that if I disliked him and didn't want to stay with him?

Maybe it had something to do with my brother? He could have said something about me moving out of Usagi-san's place again. He had been mentioning it rather frequently since I started my final year of university. But it was weird that Usagi-san would let that bother him for an entire month. Did I need to reassure him that I really was going to tell my brother about us eventually?

I couldn't stop thinking about things and it was ruining my concentration at school, at work, and with my thesis. I even thought about it at night when I should be sleeping. Needless to say I was exhausted all the time lately.

Glancing at the clock on my computer, I decided that it was time to give up for the night even though it was barely 10 pm. I was too tired and I had caught myself nearly dozing off a couple times in the past hour. It'd be fine. Not like my thesis was due the very next day. I still had a while to finish it and make any necessary changes. Hopefully Usagi-san would have some free time before the deadline to look over it for me too.

My bed looked warm and cozy, but it also seemed very lonely. I had been sleeping mostly alone in my own bed since Usagi-san's strange behavior had started. Sometimes I slept with him, but only if he asked me to or if we had just finished having sex. I couldn't just get in bed with him or ask him if I could sleep with him. Not only did I not want to bother him when he was so busy, but that was also way too embarrassing! I used to put up a fight over sleeping with him, but now I really miss it. I guess I just missed him in general. He wouldn't mind if I slept with him, would he? Besides, if he was worried about whether or not I liked him, this would help him see the truth.

The desire to see him and sleep next to him won over my pride, and I got up to go ask if I could sleep with him for the night. Just as I was reaching for the doorknob, the door flew open right in front of my face. What startled me wasn't the door swinging in front of me or it slamming into the wall, but the strange man standing in the hallway.

The first thing I noticed was that he was clearly glaring at me. Why would he be so angry at me when I didn't even know who he was? Beneath that angry look on his face, he was very good looking. Dark brown eyes and a chiseled face with some light stubble around his tight jawline. His hair was shaggy and nearly jet black. A large section of his bangs hung in between his eyes, nearly reaching the tip of his nose. The back of his hair was a bit shorter and I could see two large ear cuffs in the middle of his right ear. He looked… cool.

The man scoffed at me. "Akihiko, don't tell me this is who I think it is." His voice was quite rugged and it made me notice how muscular he was.

Usagi-san appeared behind him with a scowl on his face as well. "I said I'd take care of it eventually. You know how busy I've been lately."

"That's no excuse!" The man snapped his head around to Usagi-san. I noticed that they were almost the same height, yet the stranger seemed to tower over him somehow. Maybe because he looked so mean and brutal. "It doesn't take any of your time to tell the brat to get the hell out!"

Was he talking about… me? Why? Did Usagi-san want me out of his house? What did I do? What do I do now?

"Excuse me, but what are you talking about?" My voice was low. If I spoke up, then they would have clearly heard how shaken I was.

Usagi-san ignored my question and kept talking to the other man. "I told you before that I can't do that. I promised his brother that he could live here until he graduated from university. Where is he gonna go right now?"

"Why should either of us care about something like that?!"

It felt like my heart was going to burst right out of my chest. This man that I had never met before wanted me out of my lover's house. But Usagi-san was telling him no, right? So, am I correct in assuming that means that he wants me to stay? Then why did this man want me to leave? What is his relationship with Usagi-san? This was all too much to take in when I had already been thinking non-stop.

The stranger lunged at Usagi-san, grabbing his dress shirt collar with both hands. "Think about how I feel about this!" he yelled. "Of course I'm gonna hate it if some kid you were dating was still living with you! Especially when I'm not even living with you yet! I'm your lover, you bastard! How is that even fair? Get him out!"

My heart stopped when I heard the word "lover." I wanted to tell myself that I just misheard him, but there was no way. He said it clear as day. Bile rose up in my throat and I tried to swallow, but it felt like both my throat and mouth were full of rocks. This couldn't be real. It had to be a stupid joke or a huge misunderstanding or something. I mean, Usagi-san loved me. We've been together for several years now – YEARS!

"Umm…" I tried to speak but all I could let out were small gasps for breath. It was a little hard to breathe and I felt like I was drowning.

Usagi-san sighed and pushed the man off of him. "Fine. I'll make up some story to Takahiro if I have to." He turned to me, his once loving violet eyes were now dull and didn't seem to be look at me with affection anymore. "Misaki, you have to leave here. The sooner the better. You can go live with your brother and his family now. I promise they'll welcome you with open arms."

My vision was beginning to blur with tears. "B-but… I…" Those were the only words I could seem to say at that point. The rocks in my mouth would not come out so that I could speak properly.

"I should have told you sooner, and I'm sorry for that." His voice did not sound apologetic at all. He just sounded annoyed. "I wanted to wait to try to explain this all to you when I felt like you could accept it. But that's not possible anymore. Obviously, this is my new lover. We started dating nearly 2 months ago."

2 months… His weird behavior started a little over a month ago. His willingness to work a lot was all for this new guy. How much of that time when I assumed he was diligently working was spent with that guy? What about all the times I wasn't home? He didn't care about me… He didn't even have the decency to end our relationship before jumping into a new one. He even had sex with me while cheating on me. I should have known. How did I not notice?

A few tears slipped down my cheeks and the rocks all came tumbling out of my mouth. "I thought… that you… you lo-loved me." Was that really my voice? It was so small and weak. Or maybe it was just too hard to hear over the pounding of my heart.

"Things change. People change. In my case, I found someone better." It felt like he was punching me in the gut with every word that came out of his mouth. "Someone more mature. Someone who's not a bother. Someone who actually loves me."

If there was ever a time when I needed to reassure my feelings for Usagi-san out loud, it was now. If I could do that, then maybe he'd see the error in his ways and stay with me. Maybe he could love me again, just like he used to. I just needed to say those few simple words. I've said them before quite easily, so I knew I could say them again. In this circumstance, I absolutely needed to say them.

Just as I opened my mouth to talk, the stranger threw his arms around Usagi-san with a huge smile on his face. Usagi-san smiled in return and the look in his eyes absolutely broke me. It was the same look he used to give me. Full of love. Full of life. Full of so many complex emotions that I only grew to experience being with him. It was then that it hit me that everything was over between us and there was nothing I could do to try to fix it.

I closed my eyes to try to stop my head from spinning. The shock of this experience and the exhaustion I had already felt were too much for my body, causing my legs to shake and go weak. The only thing that I could think about anymore was how I should have told Usagi-san that I loved him more often. Then maybe this whole thing wouldn't have happened.

"Misaki," he called to me and I felt a pang in my heart. How could he use that tone of voice to speak to me now, when he no longer cared? "Misaki?"

I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder before falling to my knees, my eyes snapping open and a strangled breath leaving my aching chest. After blinking a few times in order to see clearly, I noticed I was sitting at my desk with my head down on my folded arms. Usagi-san was kneeling down beside me with his hand on my shoulder and a concerned look on his face.

"Are you alright? Did you have a nightmare?"

I was breathing heavily, almost panting, and my heart was still racing. I let out a long breath as I lifted my head up. There was no one else in the room and no one standing in the hallway. My computer was still on and my thesis was still pulled up, even though I specifically remembered turning off the computer before I was about to go to Usagi-san's room. Did I really just dream about him finding a new lover? It felt way too… real. The heartbreak felt so real.

"Y-yeah," I finally said when I found it easier to breathe. "A nightmare…"

Usagi-san let out a sigh of relief and moved his hand from my shoulder to my head, ruffling my hair. The familiar loving gesture was warm (even though his hands are always cold) and made my heart thump loudly before finally beginning to slow down to a normal rhythm. "You worried me for a minute when I heard you groaning in pain when I walked by your door. You were shaking like a dog when I came in here."

My face grew warm with embarrassment. "S-sorry." I couldn't look him in the eyes anymore, so I looked off to the side. How could I tell him that I dreamt about something like that?

"Why are you apologizing?" I could only grunt in response. "It's okay, Misaki. It was just a nightmare. Nothing about it was real. I promise."

His simple words reassured me and all the pain was instantly gone. How stupid… I felt like a little kid. A silly nightmare made me so hurt and insecure and all it took was a few words and a ruffle of my hair to make me feel better. I wasn't some brat! I'm a 22 year old man about to graduate from university.

"Misaki."

Just as I turned my eyes back to him, he moved his hand to my chin and pulled me in for a kiss. It surprised me, but his lips were so warm and comforting. It had been over a week since he last kissed me, so this kiss made my heart race like crazy again. I just hoped he couldn't hear it. The way his lips moved against mine made my head spin and made me want more… like for him to touch me.

When he finally pulled away, my breath caught in my chest. I opened my eyes to see a big smirk on his face. My cheeks were already hot, but I'm pretty sure I blushed even harder.

"Still scared or do you feel safe now?" he teased.

"Shut up, idiot!" I yelled at him, pulling away from his hand. "I'm not a kid!"

"Yeah, yeah." He finally stood up from his kneeling position. "Now come to bed. It's one in the morning."

And just like a little kid, I followed him to his bedroom. His strong arms enveloped me like a security blanket for the rest of the night. Comforted and completely relaxed, I had no problems falling back to sleep. However, I did feel slightly guilty for having that dream and having such negative thoughts in the first place. How could I ever think that way? Deep down I know that Usagi-san's feelings for me will never change.