You'll Find Me There

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: These are not my characters they are fully James Duffs. I just love them so much and love to play with them.

Warning: talk of character death

Rusty walked into the condo, after a long session in court and dinner at his favorite burger place with Andrea. She had offered to buy dinner for him as a reward for being such a great assistant and helping her with the case she was trying. She hadn't been completely on her game since Sharon died, but Rusty had kept her focused and organized so that she didn't make any mistakes and she was able to win the case for the prosecution. As he placed his keys in the bowl in the foyer the sound of the keys clanking reverberated in the otherwise eerily almost silent condo.

He couldn't believe how quiet it was, how empty it felt without Sharon there. It had been three weeks since her death and the pain of his grief was still as fresh as it had been on that day. As he walked past hers and Andy's bedroom he heard soft sounds coming from inside the room. The door was slightly ajar and he saw Andy standing next to the bed, packing a suitcase, a very large suitcase. He wore the purple sweater that Sharon had given him for his birthday last September, a pair of black jeans, and tennis shoes. Rusty knocked.

Andy jumped ever so slightly, his head whipping around and his body turned toward the door. Seeing it was Rusty he gestured for him to come in. "Hey, Kid, you startled me."

"Sorry, um… Andy, are you going somewhere?" Rusty asked, indicating the half-packed suitcase on the bed.

Andy looked down at the suitcase and back up at Rusty. "Yeah, I guess I am. I uh need a… change of scenery, Kid. You know?" he looked around the room.

"I see your mother wherever I look and…" he swallowed, the lump in his throat, his eyes becoming glassy with unshed tears. "I… I've decided to go on that trip your mother and I were planning for our honeymoon, to... Ireland. I feel I owe it to her to see it for the both of us."

Rusty looked around the room and noticed things. First of all, the suitcase was huge. It had not only a great many clothes but his mother's pillow, blanket, and pictures. It looked like Andy wasn't just going on a trip but moving away. "But, Andy, its just a trip, right? You're not moving there?" Rusty asked a little panicked at the thought of Andy leaving. Rusty was an adult and very self-sufficient, but he felt bereft at the idea of Andy moving away, especially across the ocean so far away, so soon after losing Sharon. Andy was the father he had not had when he was growing up. He was also a connection to Sharon, that he, Rusty didn't want to lose. Tears pricked his eyes, he fought them back.

Andy saw the tears Rusty was holding back and was surprised. He hadn't thought Rusty would have cared as much as that. "Well, no actually, Rusty, I hadn't planned on moving there but I do plan on taking my time coming back."

"You promised Sharon you'd stick around and watch out for us. Me, Emily, and Ricky!"

"Yes, I did, and I meant it when I said I would but Rusty, you're okay now. Stroh is dead and you're not in danger anymore. Emily and Ricky are on their own already, have been for quite some time and I'm just a phone call away from any of you. If you need me, I'll drop everything and come back. I promise but look, you're on the track to become a lawyer and you've got a great mentor in Andrea. You and Gus are back together, you'll be… fine." Andy's throat almost closed over the word fine. The word fine had brought back the memory of Sharon saying " fine" when he asked her out on their first official date. It was a wonderful, yet in the light of her recent death a heartbreaking memory.

"Yeah but, that doesn't mean I don't still need you in my life, Andy, we're family. We worked so hard, been through so much, to get here and now you're leaving? Rusty said, still blinking back tears. He hated crying but since his mother's death, the floodgates were opened, and he couldn't seem to close them.

Andy put his hand on Rusty's shoulder and squeezed. "Yes, we are. We are family. I love you, Kid, like I do my own biological kids. You are a son to be proud of and you can believe me when I tell you that Sharon was very proud of you! Do you remember how happy she was when you showed her your college diploma? I am proud of you too. Okay?"

"I… love you too, Andy. Um, you're like a father to me. That's why… I'm having such a hard time with this. H… how long… will you be gone?"

"I'm not real sure, Rusty but my ticket is open-ended, so I can stay for awhile. Maybe a couple of months? I plan on taking my time, exploring and seeing Ireland for your Mom, and trying to heal from… from losing her." As he spoke those words, tears began to roll down Andy's face and he fumbled for his handkerchief, finding it in his back pocket, he wiped his eyes with it, but the tears kept coming. Suddenly overcome by the need to cry it out, yet again, he sat heavily on the bed and grabbed onto Sharon's pillow and buried his face in it. For a few minutes, he sobbed into it with great gut-wrenching heartbroken cries.

Rusty walked closer and sat beside Andy, as he cried his heart out. He wrapped his arms around the man that was, for all intents and purposes, his father, in an attempt to comfort him. Then he gave way to his own grief and cried along with him. Finally, having cried until they had no tears left, Andy and Rusty wiped their tears away. Andy with his handkerchief and Rusty grabbed a tissue from his mother's bedside table.

Andy finished what he had been saying. "I'm... uh… not sure how long that will take, Kid. I mean, I loved your mother with my heart and soul. How long does it take to heal a broken heart? Actually, I kind of feel as if someone took my heart out of my chest, tore it to pieces and stomped on it," Andy said, stroking the pillowcase of Sharon's pillow between his fingers, for the comfort of it. He could still smell her perfume on the pillowcase. Jasmine and Lily of The Valley. He looked over at Rusty. "In any case, I'm pretty sure it won't be forever but, as I said earlier, it could be a couple of months, maybe longer." As he spoke he shrugged his shoulders and then finished his sentence, "Or, it may end up being only two weeks. Who knows? Anyway, I filled out my paperwork for an extended leave of absence, which may or may not lead to full retirement. My plane leaves for Ireland at the end of the week. I wanted to spend some time with you, Nicole, and the boys, during the next couple of days if you're not too busy"

"Of course, I'll make time for you Andy. I'll speak to Andrea, I'm sure she'll let me have some time off," Rusty said and then, realizing fully what Andy had told him. He put up his hand and asked, "Wait... did you just say… you're… you're thinking of retiring? Really?"

He gave him a half smile. "Yeah Kid, I'm thinking about it. I haven't decided, completely yet. I don't want to make any rash decisions right now, but it may turn into retirement. I'm just not sure I… have the heart for the job anymore. Your mother is gone, Provenza has retired, Mike is going to run Major Crimes now or what's left of it. Julio is moving to another division to be there for Mark more, and that leaves Mike, Nolan, Amy, Buzz, and Cami. The Chief said that he would bring some new people into the squad, to fill it out a bit"

Rusty was surprised that Andy didn't want to work to stay busy but asked, "What did he say about you retiring? I mean, did you mention it to him?"

Again, Andy shrugged still holding on to Sharon's pillow. "I mentioned the extended leave and he asked if I was thinking about retiring. He said I didn't have to make any life-changing decisions right now. I'm pretty sure he wasn't surprised that I was considering it though. After your mother died and Provenza retired, I'm sure he knew or suspected that it would be on my mind."

"Okay. I guess what I'm wondering is if you retired what would you do with your time? Provenza's got Patrice but... Mom's gone and you...um… we all figured you and Provenza would… die at your desks. Like..." Rusty voice lowered sadly as he said, "like M… Mom did… but if you retire...? I'm sorry. I shouldn't ... "

Andy put his arm around Rusty's shoulders. "Hey, Kid, it's okay. I understand where you are coming from. I know you're worried about how I'm going to cope with my… addiction issues and this grief. As far as my addiction all I can promise is to take one day at a time and to think about how picking up the bottle again would dishonor your mother's memory. She worked so hard to help me reconnect with my kids after I screwed up my relationship with them by drinking. She was so proud of me for staying sober all those years. It's one of those things that helped her trust me enough to fall in love with me. I can't say I haven't thought about drinking to dull the pain of her passing, but I know that she would have been very disappointed in me if I did. Not only would I disappoint her, but I'd lose the relationship with my kids that I finally have. As far as what I'll do with my time if I retire, I've got a few ideas but nothing concrete yet, plus I only said I was thinking about retiring ."

"I'm glad Andy, I'm glad that you're taking care of your sobriety but, and this may sound bad to you, but sometimes I wish she was here to disappoint or ...make her proud. You know? It's so unfair! I only had six years with her! I'd give anything to see her again! I wish she'd listened to us and gone home when we asked her to." Rusty was having a hard time keeping his anger at bay.

"I understand completely, Kid. I feel the same way sometimes, but you know, as much as we, the ones left behind, miss your mom and hate that she's gone, she died doing exactly what she loved doing. She died on the job, exposing a murderer and making it possible for her to be put in jail. You know, if your mom had lived, her options would have been an LVAD, which with her condition would only have postponed the inevitable or she would have had to move into the transplant ward and languish there until someone in her vicinity, who was an exact match for her, died. And then, there might be two or three other patients that had a better chance of getting the heart, because of age and or family circumstances. Your mother didn't feel comfortable with the idea, of competing for a heart. She didn't want to be the reason someone younger, someone more in need of a heart didn't get their chance at life. And, there's the fact that your mother would have gone stir crazy in that transplant ward. She would have been isolated and bored to tears, not to mention lonely. We all would have been off living our lives because you know she wouldn't have let us stay with her all the time. Do you remember when Emily and Ricky were here, and we were having dinner? She said, 'What was the point of living if she couldn't do the things that made living worthwhile?'"

Rusty agreed with him, "I know, Andy. We've talked about it but even though, I know it in my heart, my head just can't wrap itself around the fact that she's gone, and I'll never see her again."

"I know Rusty, my head, and my heart aren't entirely in agreement either. Just think of it this way, every day that your mother had to wait for a heart she would have become weaker and weaker. If she had to wait too long, her faulty heart would make her too weak to live through the surgery. After all, she would have gone through, she may have died anyway, suffering a great deal in the process. Dying the way she did was much better. It was quick. It was really hard on us but I think if she had died any other way, it would have been a lot harder on her and we wouldn't have wanted that for her would we?" Andy knew what he was saying was to convince Rusty as well as himself, that it was better this way.

Rusty wiped more tears with the crumpled tissue he was holding. "No, we wouldn't. Um… you were talking about retiring and your... um, itinerary in Ireland?"

"Well, as far as retiring goes by the way; remember, I said I'm not completely sold on the idea yet, but I've always thought, I'd probably die in the field being shot at or being blown up or having a heart attack while running after a suspect. I'd have been okay with that but since I lost your mother, I realize that life is short, and you never know when your time is up. Do I really want to waste another minute, soaking up the darkness? I pledged my life to protect and serve the people of Los Angeles. Protecting them from that darkness and I've dedicated forty years of my life to that cause. It just seems that no matter how many bad guys we catch no matter how much darkness we dispel, there's more darkness and more bad guys waiting in the wings. It's never-ending. I wish I could have convinced your mother of that and we could have retired together, before the bomb blasts and the flu epidemic that caused the virus that killed her. If I had, maybe she wouldn't have gotten sick, to begin with, and she'd still be with us."

"Oh yeah, come on Andy, are we talking about the same woman? Sharon Raydor? You know that wouldn't have happened, right? Mom was a workaholic. She loved her job. You would never have been able to convince her to retire," Rusty said looking straight into Andy's eyes. Wanting him to realize that he wasn't to blame for his mother's death. "So, you were telling me about your itinerary."

Andy shook his head and get back on track. "Yes, so my itinerary once I leave here is that I'm planning on driving up to Pal Alto ,and San Francisco so that I can spend some time with Ricky and my son Drew, and then once I begin my flight, which leaves out of San Francisco, I'll have a layover in New York, so I can spend some time with Emily. Then a straight shot from there to Ireland."

"Where will you stay, while you are in Ireland?" Rusty asked curiously. He was no longer upset about Andy leaving. He realized as he cried with him that Andy was still in a great deal of emotional pain, even more so than he was. At least Rusty had his plans for law school to focus on and his assistant job with Andrea. He also had Gus back in his life, but Andy had lost the love of his life and he needed to come to grips with it. To figure out what he would do with his life now that Sharon wouldn't be in it before the grief consumed him. On one hand, he sounded like he was going in the right direction but Rusty could tell that Andy was still very sad.

Andy took a moment to organize his thoughts. Then started to talk about his plans in Ireland. "There are bed and breakfasts all over Ireland. Your mother's and my plan was, to tour as many of them as we could fit into one month. She loved the idea that she was Irish and that she was finally going to get to see where her ancestors came from. She also loved the idea of staying at bed and breakfasts along the way and getting to meet the locals. She was hoping to meet family members that were still there. We looked into where our ancestors lived and their names. We then mapped out an itinerary that would give us the best chance to meet them. I've decided to stick with our original plan to stay in Dublin for the first two nights I'm there and then make my way inland. I printed out my itinerary but, I may not stick closely to the dates. I mean if I find I like a particular place, I may stay there longer if they are able to accommodate me. I guess what I'm trying to say is the itinerary, is not necessarily set in stone but I have a very good iPhone, it has great international calling. You can call me anytime and if you would like to join me, you are more than welcome to."

"Really?" Rusty asked surprised by the invitation.

Andy placed his hand on the kid's shoulder as he said, "Yeah, really. Rusty, I'm not running away from you. I'm trying to deal with this unrelenting grief that keeps tearing me up inside, day after day. Losing your mother has leveled me and before you ask, I'm not sure it's going to get better while going on the honeymoon trip she and I planned to go on together. I just think maybe by seeing Ireland through her eyes as well as my own I'll finally be able to come to grips with my loss and find peace. If that's at all possible. My plane ticket it is open-ended so that if this trip proves to be a huge mistake, I can come back whenever I feel the need."

Rusty cleared his throat. "Well, I'll miss you, Andy but I really hope you find the peace you are looking for."

"Thanks, Rusty. I'll miss you too." Andy slowly closed his eyes and could picture Sharon smiling face. Even though she would always be with him he knew it would be awhile until he felt at peace once again. He just needed to keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through day by day.

TBC...