Summary: An alphabet monologue, from Remus' cynical point of view. Companion to "Passion."
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Category: angst, romance
Warnings: This is a slash story, which means romance between two guys. If you cannot handle this type of content, please do not read this story.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the story itself. Harry Potter belongs to Scholastic, Warner Bros., and the lovely and talented J.K. Rowling.
Author's Notes: This is my first alphabet monologue, started in a fit of inspiration. I like it, but I'm not sure about the pacing and timing. Feedback is always appreciated!
Love
All my life I have been searching for love. But now that I have it, I'm not sure it's what I wanted.
Crying out his name, I'm reminded that pleasure doesn't always equal happiness. Does he even really love me? Every time I start to ask that question, he does something that makes me want to trust him again, and then I'm back where I started.
Funny how he always wants me to be there for him when he's so rarely there for me. Generally speaking, I had expected love to be more of a mutual deal.
How did I get mixed up in this? I'll never understand what attracted me to a man who seems to care for no one but himself. Just the sight of him both angers me and drives me mad with desire. Kissing him is like suffocating in my own shame and self-loathing, yet I continue to find myself in his embrace. Love, I've found, is a sham, a scandal, and something he knows nothing and everything about.
Maybe someday he'll grow up and learn to respect the people he claims to love, but it won't be any time soon. No amount of pleading and promises can change that. Only I can see the true beauty hiding behind his mask of egocentrism. Pleasure hides my pain as I struggle to love him despite these minor faults.
Quietly, so no one will hear, I cry for him, for us. Really, it doesn't matter anymore that he doesn't love me. Sometimes I even believe that.
Telling him about all this would be futile. Unexpressed emotions are the key to our relationship. Very often we don't talk at all, and he likes it that way.
When I cry, I know that my tears are useless. X'ing out my mistakes with teardrops won't change the fact that love was never a factor in this relationship.
Yet somehow I still believe in love. Zeroing in on my desires, I realize that it's what I wanted all along.