Title: Hold me close

Summary: Five times Kaito held Shinichi's hand. Once, Shinichi held his. The intentions should be clear.

Characters: Kudou Shinichi | Edogawa Conan; Kaitou KID | Kuroba Kaito; Kuroba Toichi; Mouri Ran; Nakamori Aoko.

Warnings: Character Death; minor Panic Attack; some phobia.

Tags: KaiShin; Slash (more like pre-slash, really); 5+1; Holding hands; Fluffy; Feelings; Cute children; and teenagers; Growing up (together); with nicknames. Kaito is adorable; he is also kind of reckless. Shinichi is more reckless, however. Death of a minor character but not so minor as a random case; No APTX or Black Organization; but KID was still a thing; just not, like, a Kaito thing. Friends to lovers. Ictyophobia (phobia/fear of fishes). Perhaps a Panic Attack on part 5.

Rating: T.

Author's note: I started this story back in January (of 2017), and only finished in December. As such, the first two parts are slightly different from the rest, since my objective changed. A couple bit. Or maybe a lot. As in, less fluff, more emotional. It happens.

This story is cross-posted on AO3 under the same username and title.

Also: happy new year, folks ^^

1. Five years old

Kaito first met Kudou Shinichi when his father decided to get an apprentice. Two of them, actually. But he did not care for the lady with the hard glare — and only took enough notice to the other one so he could offer her a rose and drag her son away.

Thus — Shinichi.

Shinichi was a small kid, Kaito decided. Small, thin and quiet. He had those big blue eyes, short hair with a weird cowlick, and was more interested in books than magic. It was no wonder that Kaito decided he needed to change that, or that they had entered in a discussion mere minutes into acquaintance.

He pulled every trick he knew; made roses pop out of thin air, changed color of paper, and used his father's doves so he could disappear before Shinichi's eyes.

And yet, the boy did nothing more than blink and turn back to his book once again. It was beginning to annoy him. (Again. Well. He was five. He thought he could be forgiven.)

"Why don't you play with me?" whined Kaito draping himself over the other boy. "I thought I would finally have a friend that wasn't a girl…" he pulled a face; Aoko wasn't bad, but she wasn't a good playmate either. "But you're ignoring me!"

Sighing, the boy finally closed his book and looked up at him. "Why do you want to play with me?"

"Because you're my friend, right? I mean, your mom is studying with my dad, so you'll be coming again, right? I wanna talk to you! I wanna play! Play with me? Please?" If he pulled his best puppy eyes, there was no one there to call him out on it. He would play dirty if need be. And he so would win this!

"But I want to read," Complained Shinichi, "not watch idiotic tricks that I can solve with my eyes closed."

Hey! "They're not i-diotic!" he pouted — and he did not stumble with that word. It's just — Shinichi knew bigger words than he did. He wasn't stupid, not at all. "They're funny!"

Kaito was pretty sure Shinichi was trying not to roll his eyes — he had this look on his face, something upset and also amused, that he had seen on his mother's face sometimes before she rolled her eyes at his dad. Or at him. Eh. He smiled, feeling an idea coming. "I know! Why don't we try? If I manage to do one trick you don't already know, you'll play with me!"

"Alright." Groaned Shinichi — but he put his book to the side obediently, and looked directly into his eyes this time.

The only thing Kaito could say in his defense — Shinichi looked kinda cute right now.

So he took Shinichi's hand into his and dragged him out running, a smile on his face and pops going out all around them.

He never did any trick — but then, he never gave Shinichi any chance of running away either.

(If asked, he'd say that Shinichi never solved how he never managed to escape. See? An unsolvable trick! And Kaito would grin, clenching Shinichi's hands in his, warm and soft, because Shinichi wasn't a magician like him, but, you know, that's okay, too.)

. . .

2. Seven years old

Kaito knew why they had to drag Ran with them, but why had Aoko tagged together as well? I mean. He was sad 'bout Ran's dad and mom. He liked her mom. And he liked the idea of making her smile, which was why he had given her a flower when they left for the Zoo, but. Aoko.

Why?

Shinichi, of course, had sniggered at him. Mean. Kaito wasn't even sure why they were friends. Shinichi just laughed at him, instead of helping him. Bad friend, that one.

He huffed. At least the Zoo was nice.

(Also, Yukiko-san had offered him a new make-up set if he defended Shin-chan and Ran-chan until the end of the day. He was doing it! He'd receive the make-up set, and then he'd convince his dad to teach him how to be a master disguise, just like him!)

Of course, because he had been doing tricks and magic just because, okay, and watching how the girls giggled and Shinichi rolled his eyes (and he was so paying him back for that! Shinichi was such a mud-in-the-pants!), he never noticed where they were going until it was too late.

"Nu-uh!" he complained as soon as he saw the name of the place that Aoko was dragging him into. "Not going there!"

"Come on, Kaito! It's gonna be fun!" she cheered him on, pulling on his shirt. "And Ran also wants to see it, don't you, Ran?"

Ran nodded, but there was a small frown on her face. Shinichi, of course, just stayed quiet, as he had done most of the trip, because he seemed to prefer to let the girls talk instead of talking to Kaito, as he usually did when they were alone at Kaito's home. Normally, Kaito wouldn't be too bothered, because he enjoyed the fact that Shinichi liked Kaito the best, but right now he could really do with someone protesting with him!

"Shin-chan…" he tried, weakly.

"Come on, Kai. If we just go in now, we can leave quickly," he offered quietly, shoulders brushing. Kaito pouted at the refusal.

Of course it didn't work.

And that, of course, was how he was dragged into the finny, suspicious aquarium. Full of monsters.

Including his friends!

He tried his best not to look at the, the— the finny, monstrous things all around, but. But they were just so. So.

He whimpered, flinching back into Shinichi, who looked down at him with curiosity and concern. Of course, now it served nothing, so Kaito clenched his jaw and moved on after Ran and Aoko, who gaped and cooed as the witches they were, looking at the, the dead eyes of those, those things.

And.

And he couldn't do this anymore!

He closed his eyes forcefully, turning back to Shinichi and muttered to himself that he was okay, he was okay, this was Shin-chan, there was nothing here, and Shinichi seemed to get the gist, because Kaito could feel a hand patting his back awkwardly.

Yep. Not going back to the zoo so soon.

"Kaito?" Shinichi asked concernedly, but it was too loud, and Aoko was there in a second, laughing obnoxiously.

"You're afraid of fishes, Kaito? Fishes? But fishes are so pretty!" she commented laughing.

He turned around half-heartedly, glaring at her with one eye. Of course, she was standing before a tank full of those monsters, and he whimpered and looked at Shinichi again who.

Who was smirking now, and.

And he was going to punch Shinichi!

… Well, at least if Ran didn't do it first.

He smiled weakly as Ran stomped up to them, grabbing Aoko and Shinichi by their shirts and dragged them off.

"If he's afraid, we need to leave, you guys! You're awful! I thought we were all friends!" she chided angrily, walking to the exit of the aquarium. Kaito followed her faithfully, glad that she was here. "And you, Shinichi! You're supposed to be smart!"

Shinichi seemed to be pouting under her hands, but Kaito couldn't be sure, because he couldn't see his face, but he would be happy if he was. Shinichi was mean, okay.

Even so, when Shinichi was free from Ran, he came directly to Kaito.

"Sorry for laughing at you," he said quietly, leaning against Kaito with sad eyes. Up ahead, Ran muttered something about stupid boys and bad friends, and Kaito thought about his own thoughts before, but. But this was Shinichi. "I didn't mean it, I just. You were cute."

"What? You…" Kaito groaned loudly, slapping at Shinichi's shoulder. "Don't do it anymore, okay? You're mean. You can't laugh at me, Shinichi! We're friends."

Shinichi smiled happily at him, nodding with a quiet hum. Kaito hated him. He was so mean.

He also liked him very much, because he was his best friend.

So, he grabbed Shinichi's friend, and maybe he was trembling a little bit still, but it was just the idea of those monsters behind him. And it was not like it kept for much longer, because he had Shinichi here. And just like Kaito had promised Yukiko-san that he'd protect Shinichi, he knew Shinichi had promised his mom he'd protect Kaito.

They were friends.

. . .

3. Nine years old

It was cold and bitter and lonely, and Kaito knew it was all in his mind, because the sun glared harshly down at him, and people were muttering around, and there were soft glances and soft words and soft everything, and he.

And he just felt like his world had crashed. Crashed and burned before the news of his father demise.

It just, just couldn't be possible. Couldn't be true. Couldn't. Because… because his father was the best magician in the world, and of course he wouldn't make a mistake! Of course his trick wouldn't… wouldn't…

He couldn't finish that thought, choking down on his own breath, choking down on his own mind, choking down on his own heart, because it hurt.

He wasn't alone in the room, there were people all around — too many people —, and there were soft voices talking to him, but he just felt so lonely. So terribly broken.

He just — he just wanted to go home, to enter and see his mom and dad smiling at each other, being gross and lovey-dovey, and just. Just feel happy, because they were his. Just feel annoyed, because couldn't they go somewhere else, c'mon.

He just wanted things to be normal again.

But — but things won't ever, ever be normal, because dad is dead, and his mom is crying, and he's.

He's breaking, and tired, and hurting, and he doesn't even know if he's crying, and there are too many strangers around whispering lies he doesn't want to hear, and dad, dad, he just wants his dad, please. Please.

But, of course, nothing happens. Nothings gets better. His father does not crouch down before him, does not laugh and tell him it's all a joke and sorry, son, I won't make it again.

Instead, all Kaito has is a small warmth that barely passes as comfort as he sees Shinichi bundled besides him, face red and wet from his own tears, crying his lungs out as he whispers brokenly, "I'm so sorry, Kaito. Toichi-oji-san was the best uncle ever, and what if… what if we can't… Kaito, I'm coming to see you anyway, even if Mom doesn't go anymore, because you're my best friend, and…"

And that shouldn't feel important, because Kaito's heart still lies open and bleeding, but this is Shinichi, his Shin-chan, crying here, and Kaito just… Kaito can't stand this, can't stand here anymore, can't stand these strangers, and these lies, and.

And he's clinging to Shinichi's hand, pulling him along, and he knows he's crying now, because he can't see where he's going, he just know he's going somewhere quiet, somewhere away — not safe, never safe, not anymore, because dad's not here, but as good as it can get, with Shinichi.

"Shinichi," he cried softly, voice broken, and he's clenching Shinichi's hand in his own and he just can't let go. "Shinichi, Shinichi, Shinichi."

And Shinichi is there, soft, warm, as-safe-as-Kaito-can-get, and he's wrapping Kaito in his arms, and he's holding him close, and he's not letting go of Kaito's hand either, and they're just there, soft, crying, sad.

"Shh, shhh, I'm here Kai, I'm here," Shinichi promised just as broken, just as sad, just as tight. "I won't let you alone. I won't. I…"

Kaito nods, pressing closer, hiding his face into Shinichi's neck. "Please, please don't."

Kaito can feel Shinichi's tears on him, can feel how Shinichi shakes around him, can feel how he is shaking inside of Shinichi's arms, but he never lets go of Shinichi's hand. He can't. Because, right then, if he does — if he does, he'll be floating in the middle of nowhere, lost in the darkness of the unknown, broken and bleeding, and he just can't stand to that.

Not now, at least.

. . .

4. Thirteen years old

Kaito felt his heart beating in his throat, and he couldn't breathe, goddamn it, why was Shinichi doing this to him, why was this happening, why…

He started forward, scared, broken, images of empty eyes and a lifeless corpse flitting through his mind and he whimpered, but he trudged through anyway, because if he does nothing Shinichi will fall.

He was pulled down with the momentum of Shinichi's fall, but, luckily, he managed to stop Shinichi from falling from the cliff just in time, and.

And he'd kill him, goddamn it!

"Are you insane?!" he screamed hoarsely, voice stuck in his throat as he stared down at Shinichi's large, unblinking eyes and pale face. "You could have died, and then I would be alone, and get the hell up here, Shinichi!"

Shinichi nodded carefully, and he might have said something, but Kaito just — just couldn't hear anything over his own heartbeat thrumming in his ears, or even feel Shinichi's scramble when his own hands were clammy and cold and he felt like a corpse himself, because.

Because Shinichi was…

Shinichi was hanging hundreds of meters over the sea, and yeah, maybe he might have survived that, but — but Shinichi was the most unlucky person ever, and Kaito just, just couldn't let Shinichi die, not now, not ever, not when he had already lost his father, not when he still felt so utterly alone from time to time. He couldn't lose Shinichi, who was his light, his warmth, his safety. He couldn't lose Shinichi, who was so utterly reckless, so stupid instead of showing the brains he was famed for. Shinichi who went running after a murderer, and tried to stop the suspect from committing suicide by jumping after him!

Not Shinichi, who had the most beautiful smile, the most stunning eyes, and the most kind heart ever. Not Shinichi, who'd been at his side when Kaito had lost everything, and had held him and made him safe.

Kaito had lost half of his life already. He couldn't lose the rest of it.

Shinichi fell down by Kaito's side, and only then did Kaito let himself fall down, panting, breathless, heart thumping on his chest and throat closed with fear, and shivers running down his back as he stared up at a too bright sky, too soft grass under his arms.

"You could have died," he mumbled again, soft and scared. "You could have died, and then I would be alone. You… you should never, ever do this to me again, Shinichi. Never. Okay? Promise me!"

And… and Shinichi had the guts to laugh, breathless and soft and beautiful, and Kaito was never as pissed at him as in that precise moment, and he turned his face around to stare at Shinichi's face, flushed and pale both, sweat clamming his throat, but a soft grin on his lips.

"I would never leave you alone, Kai. After all, you'll always have my hand, right?"

And.

And he's right, of course, but that doesn't…

"That doesn't mean you should risk your life, Shinichi," he whispered anyway, because Kaito had honestly been afraid. Truly afraid. In that moment when Shinichi had slipped and realized there was a cliff under him, and he was falling, and that his life could end right there… Kaito had felt like his own heart would stop at any moment, like he would be the next one jumping over that cliff, diving head first into a sea that could very well swallow him whole. "You shouldn't risk your life, Shinichi. Never again. You should never disregard your own life like this again. I… I was honestly afraid, Shinichi… I thought… I thought this would be like dad, all over again, and…"

And Kaito realized he was holding Shinichi's hand in his, and that he was almost crushing Shinichi's bones under his fingers, but he just couldn't relax. Not right now. Not after the scare he had just survived.

Shinichi, at least, seemed to realize that, because Kaito felt a warm pressure over his arm, and Shinichi was laying his head on Kaito, pleading, soft like a cat, and staring up at him with those bright, living eyes, and Kaito.

Kaito couldn't understand why his chest hurt so much.

"Okay," Shinichi promised, soft, whispering. "I won't."

Kaito would hold him to that.

. . .

5. Sixteen years old

Kaito breathes out slowly, staring up blankly — the ceiling never looked so interesting, really… it was so white… so flashy… so… (A white suit, a monocle, a smirk that felt foreign, hands holding him down, and runrunrunrun, bloodohmygodShinichi!)

He breathed in purposefully.

"Hey," Shinichi called quietly, voice barely more than a whisper, and Kaito could feel his warmth radiating right beside him, so close, so close, so alive. "Hey, Kai, Kai, I'm here. We're in your house. We're safe. It's okay. It's all okay. You're safe," he promised, insistent and soft and kind. "I'm here. Breathe, Kai. Breathe with me. In… out…"

Kaito tried to focus on Shinichi's voice — it felt surreal, it felt too distant, it felt too close, it felt…

He breathed in. It was okay. Everything was fine.

He breathed out. They would live another day.

"How…," he mumbled, when he felt calmer. "How could dad…"

He felt Shinichi moving beside him, felt the bed dip slightly as Shinichi crept closer, and Kaito turned his head, feeling Shinichi's breath on his shoulder.

"I guess Toichi-oji-san simply wanted to do what was right," Shinichi answered quietly. "Just like you did, today."

Kaito flinched slightly — a gun, tooclosetooclose, dangerdangerdanger, getaway, and dark smiles flashing through his mind. "But…"

"Think about it, Kaito," Shinichi said more firmly, more serious. "If you… if you couldn't… if you didn't know who it was… What would you do?"

Kaito thought about the men, dressed in black from head to toe, smirking down at him through a gun barrel, and thought of the lives being risked in today's plan.

"I would have sought them out," he answered, because he knew himself. He knew that, if Shinichi were in danger… if Aoko, who was so defenseless, so bright, so annoying, had been in danger… Kaito would have put himself in risk, so that they might be safe. He would sacrifice his own life for his friends, because that's what his father had done. He would sacrifice his own dreams for his friends' happiness, because that was what was right.

"Of course you would," Shinichi sighed in response.

Kaito didn't mention that Shinichi would, just as well.

"This is what you think is right. Toichi-oji-san… he didn't want to put you in danger. He wanted you to live your life away from these things, Kai," Shinichi mumbled, burrowing closer. "He wanted you to be happy."

Kaito sighed again, feeling it wavering just a little bit, feeling the wetness caught in the back of his eyes, the ache in his throat.

He thought of his father corpse, of his father's lifeless eyes staring at him, of words that felt like a lie, and of mumbles about an accident that just couldn't happen.

"He's still stupid," he answered bitterly.

Shinichi said nothing to that.

When Kaito felt like he could breathe without crying, he looked at Shinichi's eyes again, and tried for a smile.

"So… I guess today we worked together," he offered, hesitant.

"Yeah. I guess you've been spending too much time with this reckless detective," Shinichi teased softly, because of course he would. He always understood what Kaito needed, after all.

"Yep, all your fault," Kaito answered with a slightly bigger, slightly truer grin, and Shinichi laughed softly.

"Of course it is," he agreed, just as quiet, and Kaito just. Looked at him, soft and warm and here, in his bedroom, in his bed, and felt that painful warmth clenching around his heart. Then Kaito was flinching back, because Shinichi was suddenly in his face, eyes burning with a serious kind of determination that Kaito generally sees directed to suspects. "But if you do this again, I will kill you, you hear me?"

Kaito nodded quickly, gulping dryly.

"You can't… you can't do this to me, Kai," Shinichi begged, open and breakable. "I thought you would die. You just. You hear about your father's stunts and the first thing you do is dress up as KID? I thought… I thought I'd have to chase you… I thought you would go out there, be caught, and… and your father was killed, Kaito, and what if they killed you, and…"

And Kaito understood that feeling, because he had felt the same thing, a couple years ago, when he had looked down at Shinichi's hanging form, dangling from a cliff and his hand.

"Sorry," he murmured back, ashamed.

"No, don't be sorry. Promise me you won't do it again," Shinichi cut in, eyes narrowed and staring him down. "Next time you have a suicidal urge, talk to me. I really, really thought I'd lose you, Kaito… I thought we'd… I couldn't…," he sighed heavily. "When you decided to become a freaking bait, I thought you would die for sure. I mean… I know there were police officers around… I know we called Megure and Nakamori, but… But what if an accident had happened? You didn't give me much notice. I couldn't create a plan in such a short time, and I couldn't…"

Shinichi was rambling. Shinichi was rambling. Shinichi never rambled. Shinichi barely spoke, most days.

Kaito felt… warmth. Cared for.

Guilty.

"Sorry, Shin-chan," he asked, taking Shinichi's hand in his, feeling his warmth under his fingers. "But… well… I'll always have your hand, remember? I won't let you go," he promised, and there was so much more he wanted to say, but he held back. He held back, because Shinichi looked panicked, looked lost, looked so young, and Kaito suddenly realized it wasn't just about his almost death.

It was about their almost separation, as well.

"I thought I would fail to save you," Shinichi whispered brokenly, and there were tears in his eyes now. "I thought I would let you down after you saved me so many times. I thought you would be beyond my grasp, after having found out about your father, because you wanted revenge. I thought… I thought you had died, Kaito…"

Kaito tried to smile, tried to put up a mask — but he also felt hollow inside, felt his own heart breaking, and his own tears slipping as he pulled Shinichi closer by the hand, wrapping his other arm around Shinichi's shoulder, simply holding him.

He had almost died. All because of a stupid stone. All because of a childish legend.

His father had been killed, he had had his revenge today, and he had almost lost Shinichi.

He didn't know if it was worth it, in the end, but he surely was glad that Shinichi had been there — to save him from the gun, to save him from the last man, to save him from himself.

He leaned in, curved around Shinichi, and they wept together, just like they had done once, when they weren't even ten yet, crying for the man they had both lost — they wept together for all they almost lost, all they had saved, all they had found.

And when Shinichi fell asleep in between Kaito's arms, Kaito stole a last glance at his face, soft and unreserved, so open to him, and felt his heart flutter again and thought that maybe — maybe this was a terrible time, but this was also about what they could have.

And Kaito wanted to kiss him, to hold him forever — but he contented himself with holding his hand, never letting him go.

. . .

+ 1. Seventeen years old

Shinichi looked down at his hand — which wasn't, surprisingly, enlaced with Kaito's —, and smiled slightly.

I'll never let you go.

Perhaps Shinichi had always understood, and simply hadn't believed, hadn't hoped, but… but now he certainly did, now he could say for sure he recognized the warm feeling in Kaito's eyes, the small mirth on the corner of his lips, the familiarity of Kaito's hands on his own.

I'll never let you go, Kaito had said.

Shinichi found he didn't wish to, either.

"Hey, Kai," he greeted softly, leaning into Kaito's shoulder, and there was something to be said about how he knew exactly where to put his chin so he would fit perfectly, so he wouldn't poke himself in his throat and get hurt. "Brought you chocolate."

Kaito looked down, and Shinichi could barely see a grin on his face, the curve of his lips pulling up lopsidedly and showing just a hint of teeth. "Thanks," he said in response, still playing with his cards.

Shinichi smiled softly, and put the chocolate in the table by Kaito's hands.

Then, deliberately, he took one of those hands in his own.

"So," he murmured contentedly, "I remembered you said you wanted to watch that movie that came out last week, and I saw that it was going on in a half hour. Wanna go with me?"

Kaito looked down, stared at their united hands — and clenched his fingers around Shinichi's warmly, comfortingly, smiling down at him in response.

"Sure," he said, soft and honest.

Shinichi nodded. I'll never let you go.