A/N:

I am so sorry for neglecting this story! I was in the terrible long and emotional process of applying to grad school and needless to say that took A LOT of time and energy. But now that it's all over I can get back to writing :)

Thank you to all my past reviewers and readers. You all are incredible and it's amazing to have such support even though I am a terrible and disappeared for a bit. Special thanks to: burungmalam, Beckswim21, love of escapism, lucel18 (Ah, it probably won't get any clearer so I'll answer and tell you it was Anakin. Sorry for not making it clearer!), KGBKBG, vevektundaground4eva, and lexmckkni.

Maybe she should feel shameful or disloyal. Maybe she should have some sliver of doubt as she lies next to him and watches the slow, deep breaths rise and fall from his chest. But she doesn't. She can't. Her thoughts are swimming of him and his warmth. Of dark hair covering his forehead and cheek and just trying to fight the urge to push it away so she can see his face. She is light, weightless, but somehow cemented to him, grafted to his side and afraid to move. She is stuck and magnetized towards him, her eyes tracing every inch and shadow of his face and neck and chest and hips.

She is also sweaty and achy and entirely confused of what to do now. Does she leave? Does she wait? Does she pretend to be asleep and see what he decides?

The last thought is tempting, though cowardly, and soon she no longer has the opportunity to make decisions as his eyes tiredly open. They are warm, brown, and dazed. Rey feels her heart patter harder.

"You're awake?" His voice is all rasp and heavy breathing.

She nods. The chords in her throat aren't strong enough yet.

Kylo glances up and down her frame and timidly lifts his upper body up. "I'm not giving you much space."

"It's okay." They are practically intertwined on the small cot-like bed. She flushes from her own words and moves her legs so they are no longer spread across his. She thinks the warmth of him will diminish, but it doesn't. It's true that he is taking up most of the bed. He's not a small man in any regard.

He tries though, curling his body inwards so that he is flush against the metal wall and adding another inch between them. "How, uh, how are you?"

"Fine."

"Fine?"

"Good." She smiles and dares herself to look him in the eye again. And he is there and grinning, and she suddenly does not care about any awkwardness he might feel because she wants to be closer. She moves to him, kisses his lips, and moves a hand down his ribcage. He flexes against her touch and their kiss deepens, his lips crashing harder and harder until she feels like she can no longer breathe. He is over her, muscled arms flanking her sides, hands grabbing her wrists and tugging her closer so they are only hot skin.

And this feels all too normal and natural, as if they have done this a thousand times over though it is only the first time. The feelings of fear and hate towards him seem like a different life. It feels years and decades away—not weeks—and she can't go back to that. She can't even imagine it anymore. Her hand is ignited as it moves down his chest. She listens to his heart, his breaths, and the sheer power in him. The Force is strong. It's combustive between them, and their bond buzzes before Kylo cuts it and leans down to plant a soft kiss on her forehead.

She is flushed though confused by the action. Rey moves to speak and then he kisses her sweetly again. Ben shifts so he is sitting at the end of the small bed. His black hair is sweaty, the curls almost straight. "Don't you want to train?"

Rey is sore and light-headed and misses his warmth. No. "What do you want to do?"

"I could lay on this little bed with you." He doesn't turn to look at her. "But that won't help the Resistance stop the First Order."

"Wha…what?" She scoots on the thin mattress, unclear of what he had just said and if the afterglow had caused her to imagine it. But she didn't. Kylo's face is serious, even. He turns to her again and grabs her hand.

"You'll help me?"

"Of course, I will." Rey moves a strand of black hair from his face. "Ben, I'm here with you. That's not changing."

"And if they try to have me killed?"

"They won't." She knows he means the Resistance. He thinks they will torture him, maim him, kill him. She feels the fear permeate, and it makes her second guess and hesitate. Rey straightens her body and manages to look past the fact that they are both naked. The sheets are thinly wrapped around her waist, but she doesn't care how much or how little of her skin is covered.

"Rey…"

"I'll stop them." She knows she will. "I would not let them do anything to you. Do you understand me? I won't. I promise you that. You have to believe me, Ben. You have to…"

"I believe you." His chest is falling and rising too quickly, and Ben stands from the bed. He finds his pair of grey pants on the floor and replaces them over his legs before grabbing his saber. His shoulders are still tight and high. "I need to meditate. Will you be okay here?"

She only stares and gestures to the belt on the metal ground, her saber still attached. Kylo stifles a laugh and leaves her on the ship alone.

Her body collapses when the starship's door closes. She is restless though exhausted, squirming and laughing and aching. Rey spreads completely on the narrow cot and focuses on her breathing. It takes minutes for her to calm, to withhold her excitement and then realize she should really shower.

She feels like things are avalanching. Her and Ben. Ben and the Resistance and the Light. She wants that more, has wanted him to find belonging and acceptance and forgiveness even more than she wanted him. And she did, she realizes with an incredibly flush. She had wanted him. And she still does as she lets the cooling water drip down her face and spine in the refresher. Her body is in a weird sort of pain, a loose full soreness that she does not mind at all. Inside she is glowing, radiating a magnitude of joy she has never felt before. She can't imagine how she would ever feel that way again.

It is everywhere, cascading through her as she finds herself open and exposed to the bond, and the warming embrace of all things Ben Solo come around her. He is happy. He is beyond anything she could ever imagine him feeling though underpinning that is fear and worry and overwhelming doubt.

It's okay. She doesn't think it will help but she thinks it anyway, lets the beads of water fall down her closed eyelids as she does so. And the doubt is within her too. She hopes, prays to the Maker or whatever above that he's not doing this because… because…

Rey stops the water and is suddenly cold. A part of her is flattered by the idea but a much bigger portion is unsettled by it. She had tried that before. She had tried to convince him to follow the Light but she couldn't do that. It wasn't something that should be convinced but found. Kylo Ren needed to find it within himself.

But she's getting ahead of herself. She doesn't know why or how he actually intends to help, and for all her worrying, shouldn't she just be content at the fact that he wants to?

The joy is back in her and she quickly dries herself off before finding her clothes around the small ship. Her face unconsciously flushes as she glances at the small cot, sheets tangled and half-off the actual mattress itself.

Meditation might be necessary for her to actually accomplish anything. She attempts to dry her hair somewhat before determining whether it would be a good idea to meditate with Ben or not.

The thought is ripped from her suddenly. The bond is all open but pure emotion. She can't see him or hear him, only feel, and the feelings enveloping her were far from the incredible warmth and happiness he had moments ago. She's stiff in his ship, recognizing the emotions clearly in him. He's hurt. He's afraid. She had sensed this once before, back when he was first leaving and coming to Ahch-To. Back when he was bleeding out on this very ship.

"Ben, please." Her own voice is weak. She doubts he could even hear her if they were in the same room. Her brain is all frenetic thought and fear. And inside she is pleading, searching for any sort of sign that he is there and is with her, but she feels nothing. Rey sprints from the shuttle to find him.

Her blood and heart are in her ears as she moves through the island, and she is incredibly grateful that she can feel him, that she is drawn to him. She is so filled with dread and fear and the absolute need to find him festers inside of her until her muscles are raw and ragged.

There is a pain in her arm and it is burning through her but she knows Ben is in the temple and she is almost there. There's anxious energy and then fear and hate flooding her, and she does not know why Ben is feeling that way or if it is her own emotions bleeding over in worry.

She is so, so close, yards away until a body hits her and she is dragged to the ground. She collides with dirt and leaves and mud, and she feels rabid. The bond is crackling and she senses Ben's fear. Rey crumbles, twitches under the pure weight of his emotion and it is then magnified, incredibly potent with her own. She doesn't remember what it's like to be calm or feel safe. And she is being attacked again. This man is attacking her, holding her down, telling her to…to…

"Rey, it's me! It's Finn!"

That doesn't make sense. It can't be Finn. No one else was here besides her and Ben and the Caretakers. And…

And…

"Finn?"

She is still all maddened energy, still wanting to get to Ben, though now her legs are achy and bruised. Her friend is the antithesis of everything she feels. Finn is all smiles and relieved laughter. He touches her hair and cheek and is soon pulling her up and into a hug. "I've found you! You're safe! I thought he may have hurt you or maybe…"

She stiffens in his hold and her body soon runs cold. There is concern in his face and eyes, and Rey now remembers how she left him. The apology wants to come out, but she is being dragged to Ben Solo. "Where is he?"

.

.

He knows this man. He has tortured him. He has wanted to kill him. And the reflex of all of those things are there and itching to get out. He stares down the pilot, saber on his hip, and doesn't let himself move.

"I didn't think it would be this easy."

He is staring down the barrel of the blaster and he wants to argue and prove to this cocky bastard that it isn't. That with a snap, a twitch, he could choke this man and make him crumble to the ground in absolute agony. He could make this man writhe. He has done it before. And he expects the voice to beg him to do it again. To coax and build the rage in him but it never comes. The voice is dead. Ben had killed it to save Rey.

"Do it then." His voice carries harder, firmer than he thought it would. The Resistance pilot fidgets but his blaster arm stays level at his head. Kylo does not know why he hesitates on the trigger. His mind had been distracted, racing with everything Rey until this man had breached his meditation. He barely had time to stand before Poe Dameron was in front of him with a weapon targeted on his face.

"Where's Rey?"

Kylo bites back the emotion wanting to spill at her name. He is terrified. The fear is wrapping through him as his nightmare becomes full and real. This is everything he had feared and knew would happen if he were to set one foot on Resistance soil.

Poe shakes the blaster. "What did you do to her?!"

"Nothing." He grinds his teeth at the implication. "How did you find us?"

"Shut up!" His voice is venom and misplaced emotion. Kylo can't place it. He hesitates to approach, to even move an inch towards the other man. Poe is shaking with rage and fury. He is bursting with a passion that would make a Sith proud.

"Did I scar you that badly?" Kylo cannot understand the potency of his pain. "Have you never been broken like that before?"

"Shut…"

"I have." Kylo watches Poe's fingers twitch over the trigger. He is a breath away of being shot in the chest and both of them know it. "What I did to you is not even a footnote in what I have experienced."

"No one asked what you experienced, Ren. Where is Rey?"

"Kill me. I know you want to." He is fascinated, confused why the hot-tempered pilot is not taking the bait. "Do it."

"You would like that, wouldn't you?" Dameron scoffs at their stalemate. His uniform is ripped, bloody, and there is still ash on his face.

Something happened. Kylo flexes his fingers. There is joy in watching the Resistance burn—he doubts that will ever go away—but the dread is overwhelming and unstoppable. "Why are you…"

"Ben!"

He does not know if it is the bond or her actual screams, but he turns desperately looking for Rey. Dameron jumps at the sudden movement and the blaster is fired, the impact hitting Kylo squarely in his arm and making him collapse to the ground under the burning pain.

Kylo wants to fight back but he knows that is a death sentence, maybe not now, but Rey would never look at him again. The wound on his arm is hissing, and Dameron is walking towards him, blaster digging into the top of his scalp.

He could still get out. Kylo knows this. He is safe, secure, but for some reason Poe Dameron is crying. The pilot falls to the ground, the blaster forgotten at his side, and Ben does not know what to do. He falls backwards and supports himself on his good arm, his breath quaking with adrenaline and pain.

"I can't." The pilot's voice is cracked, muted. "Your face. Your face."

Ben only watches as Dameron rages. He punches the stone floor of the temple screaming, crying in frustration in the shadow of the ruins. And Ben knows he should probably run. He should put distance between him and this man who hated him but he is stuck staring. Something is wrong. Something terrible has happened.

And then the moments click. The hesitation. The crying. The Resitance pilot weak at the knees and not taking his head immediately. Ben internally panics. He searches through the Force but can only feel Rey rushing towards him.

And he pushes her away, pushes everything and all things away looking for this other woman. And there is wetness on his cheeks and fury and absolute pain when he senses nothing.