I do not own Dodgeball.

I do not own a pirate.

Treachery and Mutiny Upon the High Seas

The rum was flowing.

"Oooh, a treasure map! 'Tis sure to be a lusty adventure for ol' Steve today, maties!"

The pieces of eight were flying.

"Oh, I were only relievin' that flea riddled aristocrat of his heavy purse out ta goodwill. Sure to give him a bad back!"

And Steve the Pirate was in absolute heaven.

"Ahhhaaa! Hand over yer plunder, ya filthy bilge rat!"

Or would have been if not for the fact that he was getting his ass completely whupped at his most favorite boardgame in all the seven seas.

Pirates of the Caribbean Life.

"Garrrr, why ye have ter be so cutthroat with me doubloons?!" he wailed piteously.

"Come on, Steve," Dwight admonished him from across the table. "Those are rules of a Raid, man."

With a couple more grumbled "garrrs", Steve the Pirate handed over a fistful of cheaply printed Milton Bradley playing money.

"Me treasure . . ."

And slumped back against his plastic Walmart bought folding chair.

And watched in disbelief as Gordon collected another mascot.

Jack the Monkey, no less.

"Garrrrr!"

Gordon shrugged calmly.

"Simple economics, Steve. When you conserve your capital . . ."

Steve sulked and swigged more Sprite from his hip flask.

"Steve the Pirate be having no understanding of what you be tattering on about," he muttered stubbornly.

Whilst continuing to watch the rotations around the board.

Owen's Elizabeth Swann got three Life tiles for The King signing over a Letter of Marquee, entitling her to attack any enemy ship of the Crown.

Kate's Captain Barbossa collected three different Share the Loot payouts in a stunning spin of the wheel.

Justin's Tia Dalma passed through Davy Jones territory with only a scant one hundred dollar penalty.

While a dastardly Life card prompted Peter's Bootstrap Bill to switch his sloop for the most coveted Black Pearl ship card.

Which just happened to be Steve's shipcard.

Up until that moment.

"YARGH!" Steve screamed, fruitlessly grasping for the card Peter had just filched from him.

"Sorry, man. That's how the game is played, right? Come on, this . . . sloop thing is good, I bet. Seaworthy, right?"

And Steve the Dejected Pirate threw his hands skyward.

"Oh the fates be gnashing their teeth at the atrocities befalling ol' Steve on this sordid eve!"

Owen stared blankly at him.

"What?!"

The distraught seafarer didn't bother to respond.

Spun the click, click, clicky wheel.

Tapped his orange plastic ship along the playing board.

He was mere paces away.

Only a few more taps to go.

The Isle Cruces was right there, a mere's breathe away.

He could almost feel the warm sand beneath his booted feet.

And then, without warning or preamble, his counting ran out.

And he landed on the next to last tile.

The worst tile.

The one all the other landlubbers had somehow missed.

Steve stared agog at the upside down letters from his perch across the table.

"Davy Jones captures the ship," Kate read helpfully. "Pay $1,500 bribe."

Steve the Pirate, the most famous pirate in the seven seas of Average Joe's Gym wailed again and buried his head in his hands.

He only had three hundred dollars left.

And a fifty dollar crab mascot.

"Oooh, bad luck, matey," Justin quipped. "Looks like you don't have the dough."

He sucked in air through his teeth.

"You were so close too. I guess you have to forfeit."

Peter, seeing the rage building in Steve's ocean blue eyes, tried to come to the rescue.

"No, you don't. Here I'll spot you two thousand . . . uh, doubloons."

"You can't do that!" Owen objected. "It's against the rules!"

"It's just a game," Peter countered calmly. "It doesn't matter."

Steve the Pirate jerked his head up in proud defiance.

"Steve the Pirate don't be taking charities from no man! Better to be trapped in Davy Jones' locker for all of eternity!"

And then he jumped up from the gathering.

"Oh, this be the worst flogging ol' Steve ever suffered at the hands of a crew of the most scalliwagged landlubbers ever ter see the light of day!"

And then with a pout on his ruggedly salty face, Steve the Pirate grabbed his big, aging, grey, Jolly Roger-stickered boombox with all the dignity he could muster.

And, trembling chin up, clomped from the room.

Captain Jack Sparrow's theme music trailing along behind in his wake.

"Man, that dude is crazy," Dwight muttered.

"And he's a terrible pirate," Owen added.

"I heard that!" Steve shouted from the hallway.

And then he fell over a bunch of discarded dodgeballs in the outer gym.

". . . garrr . . ."

Poor Steve the Pirate, huh?

Oh, but I love him. And Alan Tudyk.

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