Happy Wednesday, lovelies! I don't know how everyone else's year is going so far, but my right eye is like, kind of messed up. Blinking hurts. I don't think my eyebags are helping much, either. And I don't know what's wrong, but if this is just an eyelash that somehow got wedged in the corner of my eye, I'll be very upset. Hopefully everyone else is having a better time than I am. Anyway, please enjoy this chapter! Stuff will get interesting soon! (Also if anyone caught my Next to Normal references, you're beautiful and I love you) ~Shaymie

It's just a supply run. In and out of the city. Simple. You've done dozens of them before. John's hands trembled as he loaded his gun with ammo. He repeated the words to himself as he got himself ready. He didn't want to do this, but Washington gave him no choice. His mind was flooded with memories of what had happened on the last supply run. He couldn't help but remind himself of how useless he was. What if he let someone else get killed? Maybe if he was lucky enough, he'd be the one to die instead-

No, he couldn't let himself think like that. He'd told Hercules and Lafayette that he was going to try to keep living. For their sakes. He didn't give a shit about what happened to him. But he gave a shit about his friends. For some reason, they liked him. They liked him enough to want to keep him alive. They liked him enough to worry about him when he had spent months moping in his tent, barely eating or drinking. And he realized, a bit belatedly, that he wasn't the only one who had suffered from Alex's death. Everyone in the camp had been hurting. But like usual,

he had only been thinking of himself.

He was selfish. He had always been selfish. And he would never stop being selfish. It was selfish of him to spend all his time locked away in his tent when everyone else was out there, fighting for their lives. It was selfish for him to cut himself when he knew that out of all the supplies for them to get, medical supplies were the most precious. It had been selfish for him to start dating Alex, knowing full well that they'd never get to go out on actual dates, always having to sneak around in secret.

"It was selfish of you to let me turn." John growled almost animalistically as he heard Alex's voice. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. He wasn't real. He wasn't real. Alexander Hamilton was dead, and he would just have to learn to accept that. He repeated the words to himself in a desperate attempt to drive off the voice. He didn't need this now. He had to focus. They were leaving for the city soon. He couldn't waste his time talking to a voice in his head.

"If you won't grieve me, I won't let you leave me behind." John felt himself go pale when Alex materialized in front of him, looking just as he did before he buried him. He could feel his heart beating out of its chest. This wasn't real, it… it wasn't. But it was all he had. Memories and this hallucination were all he had left. He knew that it would be insane of him to encourage this imaginary Alex, but in a way, it was comforting.

God, he still looked perfect… Even with the scars and stitches, he looked amazing. John felt himself falling in love all over again. For a moment, it was just the two of them in their own perfect bubble. Everything else just faded away. He let himself be led away by the imaginary Alex. He let himself forget that this was just an illusion, that it would end eventually. He just let himself be… happy. Screw everyone else in the camp. He could feel his body glow warm with happiness as they went deeper into the woods.

"Alex, do you hate me?" John asked once they settled underneath an old apple tree. He blushed as he tossed an apple in the air. This was just like their college days, when they would sneak out of their dorm in the middle of the night for a few moments away from Hercules and Lafayette. "I shouldn't have done what I did. You… You told me what you wanted and I went against your wishes. I-"

"John, what are you doing out here?" John scowled as Hercules and Lafayette emerged from the trees. Think of the devils and they shall appear. To his dismay, the apparition of Alex disappeared with a sad smile and a wave. He sighed as he pulled himself up from the ground. Back to reality, he supposed. He stared back at Hercules with a blank expression.

"I just wanted some air, Herc. Is that too much to ask? It's bad enough that you guys are taking away my choice in whether I have to go to the city with you. Are you going to take my privacy away, too?" He hadn't meant for the words to come out so harshly. He could tell that Lafayette was hurt by the way he flinched. But Hercules wasn't deterred. His face hardened as he grabbed John's forearm with a bit too much force and started pulling him back towards the camp.

"We're doing what it takes to keep you alive, John. And if that means leaving you with a chaperone because you can't go two seconds without pulling some shit like this, then so be it. After that stunt you pulled the other day-which by the way, is part of the reason we even need to go out for supplies in the first place-do you really think we're going to trust you by yourself? We get it, you miss Alex. Everyone misses him. But hurting yourself and going off alone in the woods isn't going to change anything. It won't bring him back. Do you think he would want you to suffer like this?"

John bit back a snarky response as he was (quite literally) dragged back to camp. He wanted to tell Hercules to mind his own damn business even though he knew he was just trying to help. But he knew that wouldn't help anything, so he kept his mouth shut and fumed in silence. He could tell that Lafayette was already uncomfortable with the situation. He didn't want to add any more fuel to the fire. He would just have to… deal with it. His mouth turned down in a frown.

"John, if… If you aren't ready, we can ask George to-"

"I'm fine, Laf," John interrupted, his eyes staring straight ahead, where he could see the camp growing closer. He flinched as Hercules finally released his arm, shoving him forward. He put his hands into his pockets and sighed as he slouched. "Let's get this over with."