Jackson was respite in many ways, but old habits didn't die hard; they didn't die at all. Sometimes Sarah would dream of that first tally all those years ago. Those numbers would punch through her, climbing higher with flash of the muzzle on her rifle. Back then, she'd wondered how the FEDRA had so much fucking ammunition; each round dedicated to her rifle had a sixty percent probability of killing something trying to escape the hell of the Dallas QZ. (She'd thought 'something' but knew they were mostly someones. Seventy, seventy-five percent probability of that.) Unlike her memory, the dream was an infinite tally even when she couldn't see through her tears or steady her rifle through the crushing pressure in her throat.

No matter the hell of her waking reality, she would anticipate it because there would be another chance to count, to overwrite the number branded on her soul. Even without the nightmare, Sarah would sometimes wake expecting depression, guilt, anxiety, or pain. She'd think she would open her eyes to her gray quarters in Chicago or the stale scent of death in Salt Lake City or the musty darkness of her desperate hide in Seattle.

Then Ellie would stir under her arm, the sweet scent of manure and grass would come on a cool breeze through the window, and she'd remember. Everything would even out in a rush of relief so strong she had to swallow down tears of joy, and her tally would fade into the number of days Jackson had been her reality.

Sarah spent her entire life surviving without the faintest justification for why she kept going. Now she knew. Everything was to get to this point: Ellie lying beside her, Yara and Lev next door, and Joel and Tommy just down the street.

The hard work that went into life in Jackson was worth it too; it was honest and good and sometimes a thousand times harder than anything else she'd done. Sarah's losses were certainly less than Ellie's, who routinely slaughtered animals she cared for since birth, animals she named and loved because she couldn't do it any other way. Sarah still worried sometimes that Ellie remained in the dark place that seized her that winter. Ellie managed to look cheerful even in the throes of her bluest moods. Knowing that gave Sarah new perspective for how low Ellie had been in Seattle.

This morning, Sarah woke to Ellie stirring under her arm. Ellie opened her eyes, offering a sleepy little grin that was happiness. Sarah knew that smile now, and it relieved her every day.

"Good morning," Sarah murmured, pleased by the luxury of a rare lazy morning. Jackson nights were cool even in the summer, and the breeze that blew through their bedroom curtains was pleasant. Ellie's warmth had yet to become uncomfortable.

Ellie offered a sleepy mischievous grin. "Happy birthday."

It took Sarah a moment to count back the days. She was surprised, even when Ellie shot her a sleepy look of disbelief. "Come on, you think Joel and Tommy would forget that? June twenty-first."

"We probably missed a few leap years."

"What the fuck is that?"

It wasn't worth the explanation, not when Ellie clearly didn't care. Ellie got up and stretched, sighing when Sarah reached out to touch the soft skin beneath Ellie's shirt. She traced Ellie's spine with her fingertips. The look Ellie gave Sarah was open with her offer, and she sank readily back into bed when Sarah asked.

Later, Ellie heaved a long sigh against Sarah's neck. Her fingers traced over Sarah's scar. "Happy birthday, old lady."

Sarah's laugh was spontaneous. She'd known that was coming. "Were you ever going to tell me you were nineteen, not twenty?"

Ellie's breath stirred her hair with her dismissive sound. "Come on, just think of it as a compliment that this nubile youngster finds you insanely sexy. And I'm twenty now for sure."

"I'm a cradle robber."

"If you ever call me 'baby', you're sleeping alone."

"I wouldn't dare." Sarah brushed hair from Ellie's face. Ellie climbed up closer to kiss her, and she laughed when Sarah rolled over on top of her. They wrestled playfully for a moment before settling into a more comfortable embrace.

"You okay?" Sarah asked quietly.

Ellie's smile was soft. Her gaze flickered from Sarah's mouth to her eyes. She nodded, and Sarah knew her well enough to judge the affirmation was truth. "Yeah. I'm good. Can I give you your gift?"

Sarah grunted as Ellie clambered over her to dig around in the closet buck naked.

She hadn't lied when she'd warned she had a ton of shit. Ellie managed to fill up a bookshelf with books that she'd eventually donate to Maria's library—books that Sarah read too for good measure so she couldn't complain—various knickknacks that were all worthless, and a beaten wooden box that was the only thing Sarah wasn't privy to. Sarah barely had room for her clothes, boots, and the few medical textbooks she borrowed for evening reading. Even the bedroom walls were covered in posters, but Sarah's Halican Drops poster had the place of honor over the bed.

"Here." The bed bounced when Ellie enthusiastically thumped back into it. She held out a wooden box about the size of a paperback book. Sarah studied it before she looked up at Ellie. Ellie motioned impatiently for Sarah to open it. Sarah clicked open the metal buckle; she studied the wooden frame inside the box. There were eleven columns with beads within the frame; five beads rested on the bottom column and two lay on the top.

Ellie seemed to be holding her breath.

"Where did you get this?" Sarah turned it over in her hands and gently flicked the beads, enjoying their tactile clicks.

"In one of those antique shops. I thought one of the little kids would like it, but Kobe told me what it was, and I knew this baby was destined for the resident counting expert."

The name came back to her. "An abacus."

"So, did I do good?" Ellie asked, feigning nonchalance.

Sarah tugged her close for a light kiss, her attention more on stroking the beads than Ellie's lips. How the hell did this girl know her so well? "Very good. The hard part is, you have to top this next year."

"Oh fuck. I should have just kept it at birthday sex. Damn," Ellie groaned. Then she snuggled closer and looked smug. It wasn't hard to guess what was coming.

"What do old people and boxers have in common?"

Sarah pondered an answer as she gently replaced the abacus in its case. "Dementia?"

Ellie laughed. "No, but that's good. No, neither of them have their own teeth."

"You're really rubbing that in." Sarah paused for effect. "But the joke's on you because this is the oldest I've ever been."

"Hah! Nice. Um… What do you call the butcher who lost his cattle?"

At least they were off the age thing. "I have no idea."

"Yep, nobody's herd."

Sarah laughed. Her brain supplied a pun that was at least good enough for Ellie, and she was immensely pleased with herself. "I would make a meat pun, but I'd probably butcher it."

Ellie gasped and lightly hit Sarah on the shoulder. "Did you just fucking make that up?!"

"You have to revoke my terrible joke status."

"Fuck you, that's awesome. Goddammit, just like that. That settles it; I'm definitely keeping you."

"At least the meat pun didn't involve sausage. Those are the wurst."

Sarah hadn't been sure Ellie would understand the reference, but Ellie gaped at her, and her shock quickly morphed into a grin. "You know, I didn't really mean that love was directly related to how many puns you come up with, but yeah, you broke the bar just now. You only have yourself to blame. You're stuck with me for fucking ever."

"Good thing I'm so old then."

"You're just my old lady."

"I should spank you for that, you whippersnapper."

Ellie laughed and wiggled her butt teasingly as she bounced out of bed. Sarah watched her dress. She marveled at her own contentment. Nothing inside her drove her to get up and keeping moving, to stack numbers on top of that first one to hide the total from her conscience. This place, this time…they were all she needed. Joel would be waiting for them at the town hall, and Tommy and Maria and little Will were going to be with them too. After school, Yara and Lev would come by for supper.

She had a family bound by more than the need to survive. Sarah wouldn't let go of this, and she damn well wouldn't let anyone in their group slip away either. When Ellie climbed back into bed, Sarah gathered her close and took this moment for what it was. Maybe all that rightways saving had led her here or maybe this was all the product of dumb luck. Sarah decided it didn't matter. She was finally home.