Counting Backwards

Is it so selfish just to feel wanted? To feel connected to someone, someone you've known for ages and that means the world to you? For them to love you, warts and all? With all your shortcomings, your flaws, your ugliness; everything you wish to hide from the world? Is it selfish to lust for someone you can never have? Someone that is rightly yours.

Well I suppose it is. And I am not allowed to be. It is not my place to ask for more than I am already blessed with. But I can't help from feeling… cheated, somehow. All my sacrifice, my devotion, my diligence, and nothing in return. It can't seem fair can it?

Relax Tikal, relax. Count. Count backwards and close your eyes, and when you open them again, everything will be fine.

Ten. I sit at the Altar of the Master Emerald. A pattern and fabric lain before me on a loom as I carefully weave a warm blanket. Shadow sits not too far off on the top step of the staircase. His brow is furrowed and his eyes are focused on a handful of documents, thick with text and stamps. In his hand is a fountain pen, wavering just from the paper's embrace. In ebony ink, his cursive handwriting kisses the paper.

Nine. He had asked to come to the Shrine to review paperwork, saying something about Rouge's place being too loud. I had thought it to be a gift from above, that he had asked to join me on such a beautiful afternoon. I had swooned the moment he had teleported to the Shrine, standing at the foot and asking me for permission to sit and work.

Eight. "Tikal?" he says my name, ever so quietly. It's like my name is a secret. Something special between the two of us. Such a thought makes my heart thud inside my chest. I pause from my weaving and look up. "Yes?"

Seven. "How are you?" He asks simply. It's enough to pull a smile from my face.
"I'm well. And you?"
He sighs. "Wishing to be finished with this damn case."
"Is it tough?"
"Yes."
"Oh." I say. "Is there anyway I can help?"

Six. He scoffs. "Not unless you can tell me why the wife of an R-and-D guy would leak blueprints of a war machine he was working on."
I speak up, pausing my weaving. "She was hurt."
"Anyone can be hurt."

Five. "Yes, but she was scorned. He was to be her mate, yes? Her lifelong love and companion?" I ask, my brow furrowing. I look to Shadow, holding his gaze for a moment. "You GUN people are very invested in your jobs. She was probably feeling… unloved."
"That's not a good enough answer for the courts."

Four. "It's a fine enough answer for me." I say, pulling my gaze from him. Under my breath, I add, "You do not know what it means to be scorned."
"Excuse me?"
My gaze trails to Shadow. His eyes are narrow on me.

Three. "What do you mean by that, Tikal?"
I return to my weaving. "Nothing."
"I want to know." He says louder.

Two. "Please lower your voice. Chaos and Knuckles would react negatively if they saw you here."
He scoffs again before collecting his papers. "Then I should leave?"
"I'm sorry?"

One. "You want me to leave don't you?" He asks. I stop and look away from him. "Tikal,"

Zero. "Yes." I breathe. With a flash of light, he is gone.

Ten counts. Ten breaths in. Ten out. And I still don't feel better. It always works. "It's supposed to work," I wince. My eyes water and I fall back on my feet. "W-Why isn't it working? Why don't I feel better?"

The counting isn't working because it was something he taught me. A while ago, before all this, I had been having a rough day and he had taken my hands. He told me to count backwards slowly. He had told me close my eyes and to think of something that I loved dearly—

That's why. I keep thinking of him. It's because I love him so dearly. So, so dearly. I swear we are soulmates, bound to each other through time and space. The pain we both feel, the strife we've both encountered, the wrongful sins we've been tried and found for. We are soulmates, he and I.

Or so I had thought.

I don't feel better because every time I see his face, I hear his name or voice—every time I think of him—I'm bitterly reminded of blonde hedgehog with clear blue eyes. Of him and Maria. Whenever I close my eyes, I see them, together and happy and beautiful. Wanted.

I'm reminded of them, standing outside the train station, underneath a steel canopy. Their hands intertwined as he carefully brushes a stray quill from her eyes. He lets his hand trace her cheek as she draws closer to his touch. She radiates like the sun and blushes warmer than it's glow. Slowly, I watch as their lips ever-so-gently brush.

Is it so selfish to want to be desired in the same way? For a reciprocal and mutual love? For someone to love me—to want me—in the same way I want them?

Well, when you're a 4000 year-old spirit who is known and revered for her selflessness, I suppose it is.

Is it cruel and heartless that I think I hate her? I know she is lovely and kind and sweet, Shadow tells me so. But is it so wrong to just… want him for myself?

I cannot think of the last time I had something that I wanted. That I had done something for myself. All this time, these thousands of years of giving to others and caring them and not once have I ever received. Should I not have?

I had given up chiefdom for my grandmother's sake. I had become Guardian of the Master Emerald for the same reasons. I had sealed myself away in the Master Emerald for Chaos' sanity and for the world's safety. I emerged and helped Sonic and Knuckles stop destruction and desolation. And I returned once again to keep Angel Island aloft.

And yet, the one thing that is meant for me I cannot have.

I sit up and stare at my weaving for another moment. Threads of black and red, carefully interwoven into an intricate pattern of diamonds from a bygone era. A gift to him, from me. But nothing I can offer him will compare to the love and pleasure he can get from Maria. Nothing will ever be enough because he doesn't want me, the girl who is his soulmate.

I suppose this makes me unwanted.

Perhaps, at one point he had wanted me. But that was a brief moment, long ago. Before Maria returned. Before his feelings for her returned. Before I was viewed as just a friend again. How foolish and selfish I must've been, thinking that he truly wanted me. I just want to be that. Wanted. That's all I desire. I want… no, I need to be wanted.

I kneel to the stone floor, picking up the threads once again. I fight the tears in my eyes before my cries become hiccups. I don't bother wiping them away. I raise my head up, blink quickly and gasp for breaths between my sobs. My lip trembles as I finally let out a long cry.

Why am I so discontent with being unwanted? Why am I sitting on this floor, surrounded by thousands of threads? Why can't I just be happy for a single moment?

It's because I'm unwanted. I'm the one constantly left behind while everyone else has another person that's theirs. Even my soulmate, the one who is meant for me, has another.

All along, I've told myself that everything I do was for his happiness. Because it shouldn't matter who he's with. I shouldn't lust for more than I already have. I should count my blessings and forget this moment, these feelings. I should bury them deep and never see them again.

Except I'm too selfish to do that. Not was. Am. I am selfish.

I weave together the threads and finish my work, knotting the threads in the same way my heart is. Tears continue to flow and for the first time, I wipe them away. The blanket is finished and he is gone, and I'm still here. The spirit of the shrine, the priestess of Angel Island, the first Guardian of the Master Emerald, the servant to the Gods… Tikal.

Shadow does not want me. He has Maria and I'm… l'm not good enough, perhaps. Plain and simple. He doesn't want you Tikal! I think to myself. Give it up!

And yet, I can't. I can't because the moment I laid my eyes on him, the first words he had spoken to me, I knew that I was his soulmate, and he was mine.

I breathe out, wanting to tear the newly-woven blanket to shreds. Instead, I carefully pick it up and fold it. In my mind, I begin to count down again.

Maybe Shadow had seen through me. Saw how jealous and pathetic I truly was, and wasted no time to leave. Ten.

Still, I told myself that I would never turn my back on him. Nine.

No matter how badly he scorned me. No matter how badly he hurt me. No matter how badly it hurts my heart to see him with another. Eight.

If he truly is my soulmate, then I will not be selfish. Seven.

I am his friend, his companion, his soulmate. Six.

Maria will go. She will at some point. She is mortal after all, just another fragile being. Five.

But I… I will always be here. Four.

Forever bound to the Master Emerald as its servant. To Angel Island and to Chaos. Three.

And to Shadow, my soulmate. The one who I have crossed time and space for. Two.

So I will remain here. Counting backwards until the end of time. From ten until zero. One.

If that stops this pain, if in those ten counts I feel the slightest bit better, I will do it. Zero.

Even if it makes me selfish.

A/N:

yEs this is to mirror "want". I wrote this before lol, so want is to mirror this i guess.

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cover art was drawn by urs truly.