Written for Hogwarts' Around the World Event: Romania - Character: Remus Lupin, Duelling Lessons Assignment - Task 3: Write about someone's back up/second in command, the Writing Club - Amber's Attic: The High Priestess: Write about an unexpected discovery, Count Your Buttons: (character) Sirius Black, Showtime: My Freeze Ray - (word) Mumbling, the Decorating the Christmas tree Event: (object) Wrapping Paper.

Word count: 5242

and I've been in the dark for so long I forgot what light looks like

"Moony, I need you to do something for me, please."

Alarmed, Remus' head snapped up from his Defense book. "Historically, no good had ever come out of his words, James," he said as he rubbed his temples to ease the migraine he could already feel was coming. He loved James, but sometimes the boy was even more of a drama queen than Sirius. "If this is about Lily again, James, I'm saying no."

James looked at him sheepishly. "Actually…"

"No."

James's eyes widened and his lips started trembling. He stared at Remus pleadingly with an expression oddly reminiscent of one he'd seen Sirius pull as Padfoot more than once. Unsettlingly, it was as efficient now than it had been then, and Remus could feel his resolve start to break.

James kept staring.

"Alright, fine, what do you want?"

James grinned winningly, pumping his fist in the air. "Yes!" he shouted.

Remus mourned quietly the days when that would have alerted someone in their Common Room as James hugged him. Nowadays, everyone was just so used to the Marauders' weirdness that no one reacted anymore.

"It's very simple, actually," James started (more ominous words when pronounced by James). "You're friends with Lily, right?"

"I mean… We get one well enough to study Arithmancy and Ancient Runes together?" He shrugged.

"Exactly!" James said, clasping Remus' shoulder before shaking him excitedly. "You're friends with her, so you can help me."

Remus eyed him anxiously. "Help you how, exactly?"

If possible, James' grin widened. "Well, ideally I'd have Padfoot do this, but since Lily likes him even less than she likes me -" a fact he seemed very proud of "-you'll have to do."

"Gee, thanks." Remus snorted.

James patted his arm sympathetically, shaking his head. "No, no, you're actually perfect for this — Sirius would have probably overdone it and ruined it, but you, you're just the man I need to make this work."

Remus was beginning to get a really bad feeling about this, but before he could open his mouth to protest, James had forged on.

"It's really simple, like I said -" honestly Remus didn't know who, exactly, James was trying to convince by repeating this "- I just need you to talk to Lily about me, tell her how great I am, how good we'd be together… That kind of thing, you know?"

Remus felt the urge to bash his head against the wall. "You want me to be your wingman?"

"Exactly!" James grinned, as radiant and violent as the sun. "Brilliant, isn't it? With you to sing my praises, there's no way she'll resist me for long."

"It's less than brilliant," Remus muttered so low James wouldn't hear him, before coughing and raising his voice. "James," he said cautiously, "just what, exactly, do you think we talk about when we're working on our homework?"

James blinked, taken aback for a moment. "Er, homework?" he guessed.

"Yes, homework," Remus hissed. "How do you suppose I start talking about you in the middle of a conversation about Ancient Runes?"

James' enthusiasm didn't even falter as he slapped Remus' back one more time. "You're brilliant, I'm sure you'll figure something out." he paused, staring at Remus expectantly. "So, you'll do it?"

Remus should have said no. There was no reason to say yes — this was just another stupid plan of James', and like all of his other plans to seduce Lily Evans, it was going to crash and burn, only this time Remus would get caught in the aftermath right along with James.

And yet, there was no way he could say anything but yes — not when James' brown eyes shone with so much hope.

When he saw Lily's red hair at their usual table, Remus briefly considering turning back and pretending he had forgotten they were supposed to meet up. Lily would be disappointed and probably hate him too, but at least then he'd be on more or less the same level as James and Sirius.

But James' face flashed in his mind and Remus sighed. His friend was counting on him; there was no way Remus could turn back now.

"Hey," he said, dropping his bad beside the table and sitting beside her.

She looked up from a roll of parchment with a sheepish smile. "Remus, hi! How are you?"

It was easy to see why James liked her when Lily was like this, at ease and smiling — it was much harder to comprehend when she shot him down violently every time he tried to ask her out.

"I'm fine," Remus said with a smile. "What was that?" he asked, curiously nodding to the piece of parchment Lily had rolled up again.

She blushed as she fingered the edge of the paper. "I - Sorry, I got here a bit early so I started without you. I hope you don't mind."

Remus chuckled. "I really don't — did you manage to get anywhere?"

Lily grimaced. "Yes? I mean, sort of?" She shrugged. "I do have the outline for something we could enchant, but it might be a bit ambitious…" She bit her lip but unrolled the parchment, revealing a rough sketch of what Remus recognized to be a Muggle radio.

"I know wizards already have their own radios," she hastened to say, "but no one really ever seems to know how they work except that they do — and they never pick up Muggle channels. We all know how Muggle technology fries the instant it crosses the wards, so I thought there'd have to be some way to make it run on magic instead of batteries. It could be our NEWTs project - what do you think?"

Remus analyzed Lily's drawing. She had already identified a couple of runes or possible ways to combine runes and enchanting to make this work, and while it was nowhere near done, it did look like a decent enough start. The more he thought about it, the more excited he became too — this could truly be a challenging project, and even if it didn't work out in the end, Remus was sure their Professor would pardon them for it if he knew they'd put in the work.

"I think this is a fantastic idea, Lily. Tell me more?"

Lily grinned and started to explain her idea with more details. The more he heard, the more enthused by the subject Remus became. Lily's idea simply had so much potential, and Remus felt honored to be a part of that. He quickly found himself ensconced in a pile of books, looking for any references to runes or spells or materials that could disrupt magic and/or electricity.

He was halfway through a promising tome when he suddenly remembered his promise to James.

He leaned back a little, heart suddenly racing in his chest, and feigned stretching his shoulders. He felt his back pop a little and he cast a sideways glance at Lily. Seeing that she was still focused on her own book, he let out a small sigh of relief.

"You know," he started casually, ignoring his pounding heart, "I'm sure my friends would love this too." He licked his lips nervously. "James is actually quite good at thinking outside the box, I know he'd probably have like, a dozen suggestions if we ever got stuck."

Lily only hummed at his vaguely, which Remus took as a sign to keep going.

"He's really not so bad, you know," he said with carefully faked casualness. "I know he can be a bit of a prat sometimes, and an idiot, but he's really a good friend to have. He really matured over the last couple of years — we all have — and I'm sure that if you just heard him out, you'd see that."

The sound Lily's book made when she suddenly put it down was deafening. She arched an eyebrow at Remus disbelievingly and crossed her arms. "Okay, what's this exactly? Did Potter put you up to it?"

"No," Remus lied quickly. From the way Lily's eyebrow twitched, she didn't seem convinced.

"Sure he didn't," she scoffed.

Remus opened his mouth to defend himself but Lily cut him off before he could. "I don't want to hear it — we came here to work, so let's work."

Having had years to familiarize himself with what that fiery glint in Lily's emerald eyes meant, Remus merely nodded and wisely went back to his book.

But although Lily probably thought that this meant he had given up, it was, in fact, the opposite: Lily's refusal to listen had only made him more determined to get her to.

It was more than simple want; it was need. He needed Lily to know what he saw in James, to understand what Remus felt for him.

He plotted quietly as his eyes skimmed the pages for anything useful for their project.

"So, how did it go?" Sirius asked eagerly that night. James was too wracked with nerves to do anything but shake, and Remus' resolve only heightened when he saw the way his friend's shoulders dropped when Remus merely shook his head.

"Well, at least you tried," Peter said, sending Remus an awkward smile.

"Oh, I'm not done yet," Remus replied, eyes narrowing.

James' head snapped up so quickly it was a wonder he didn't give himself whiplash. "Really?"

"Really." Remus nodded.

Sirius barked a laugh. "Now, we're talking. Come on, what's your plan?"

"Just keep at it until something happens, I guess."

Sirius looked dubious but he eventually shrugged. "Well, I'm sure that if anyone can make this happen, it's you, Moony."

Behind him, James smiled thankfully, his face uncharacteristically vulnerable. It made his features look softer and Remus smiled back a little helplessly.

At their second meet-up for their runes project, Remus mentioned how James was genuinely interested in their project — which was certainly true, even if most of that enthusiasm seemed to stem from Lily being involved in it.

"He's really brilliant, you know," he told Lily, who was steadfastly pretending to ignore him. "I wish he'd taken this elective, I'd have loved for us to work together." He realized his misstep as soon as Lily raised a sardonic eyebrow at him, making him blush.

"Not that working with you isn't amazing, of course — we could have worked as a trio instead of a pair sometimes," he said, and his heart skipped a beat at how genuinely good that sounded.

On their third session, Remus mentioned off-handedly how James always had his back, no matter what.

He couldn't tell her about the Shrieking Shack incident, of course not — the mere thought of someone else knowing what he was made him feel sick — but he didn't need to. He had plenty of anecdotes about his nerdy first-year self who'd been so happy to fall under James and Sirius' protection of friendship.

"There's nothing James won't do for his friends. Just like there's nothing his friends won't do for him," Remus stated with certainty as he stabbed his quill perhaps a little too eagerly into his inkpot, since the liquid sloshed and painted his fingertips and parchment black.

Lily chuckled at the sight, while Remus sighed exasperatedly.

"Here," she said, and vanished the mess with a silent wave of her wand, her lips still quirked up with a fond smile.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome." They returned to their work in a companionable silence, the atmosphere between them warm and easy.

Technically, Remus missed their fourth study session because of the full moon, but Lily pushed him back so he could come. She brought him notes from their shared electives to the Hospital Wing, and she sat with him as they poured over the material he'd missed, smiling and laughing as she reported funny anecdotes their Professor had mentioned.

She left the instant James came in with the rest of the notes for his missed classes, but for once the look she shot him wasn't full of scorn but rather contemplative.

It made Remus' chest clench for some reason, as he watched James' face light up at this small sign of hope.

"You, my friend, are a miracle worker. How did you manage this?" James rounded up on him the instant Lily had left the room, his urgent whispering making Remus smile despite the ache in his chest.

He shrugged. "I don't know."

He didn't, but he wondered if maybe Lily had remembered his words upon seeing James so willing to visit him in the Infirmary, if she had thought about Remus saying 'James would anything for his friends' when she had seen the black-haired boy carrying books and rolls of parchment.

"Well, whatever it is, thank you, Moony." James' eyes shone as he squeezed Remus' bicep, his load of books and parchments already half spread out over Remus' knees. "You're the best."

Throat tight, Remus replied with a huff, "Don't let Sirius hear you — you know he'll never let you live it down."

James winked. "It'll be our secret." His stomach grumbled loudly just then and he blushed as Remus laughed. "Well, then, I'll leave you to it — lunch is calling me. Have fun with your homework."

"I don't know if fun is the right word for it," Remus said, rolling his eyes. "But at least I won't be bored."

"That's the spirit!"

It was only once James had left that Remus realized how empty, how still the room felt without him. It was also then that Remus realized he was still grinning stupidly at the door James had just walked through, his heart racing in his chest.

"What the hell?" he whispered to himself, pressing a palm against his chest, forcing his eyes away from the door and his lips downward.

It didn't quite work — Remus only had to look at the note, scribbled in James' admittedly poor handwriting, to remember how the brown-eyed boy had brought these with him especially for Remus and start smiling like a fool again.

"What the hell?" he repeated.

The empty room stayed silent but for his echo, giving him no answer.

Something had changed between James and Lily — and consequently, between them and Remus — after that day, though it was frustratingly hard to pinpoint what exactly.

It was nothing big, really, but between James being willing to leave Lily alone for Remus to 'work his magic on her' and Lily no longer glaring at him quite so hard, the change was still noticeable.

It had James grinning at Remus excitedly every morning when Lily nodded at him politely in greeting and Lily staring at them contemplatively every so often.

That green-eyed gaze on him made him shiver. He was curious too — why was Lily studying him so closely?

He had thought that she knew, at first; that visiting him in the Hospital Wing had helped her figure out what Remus was. She was clever, after all. Remus wouldn't have been surprised if she had.

But no, that couldn't be it. He had waited for days, heart hammering in his chest, for her behavior to change around him now that she knew he was a werewolf — knew he was a monster. And yet, nothing had happened. There was nothing to suggest that she knew what he was: she didn't flinch around him, didn't look at him with hatred or fear or disgust.

So no, whatever had made Lily decide to watch Remus more closely couldn't have anything to do with his lycanthropy.

Surprisingly enough, that didn't make the situation any more reassuring. It should have — Remus lived in fear that someone other than his friends would discover his secret — but it didn't. Instead, Remus was left pondering over what, exactly, Lily could find so fascinating about him that she'd watch him so closely.

They kept working on their project though; the weeks flying by as they slowly but surely made progress. He wouldn't have thought so at the beginning, but by the time Christmas came around, Remus was sure they'd be able to actually make an attempt at modifying an actual Muggle radio to show their Professor.

But the real change happened during their last session before the holidays. Lily would be leaving, returning to London to spend the holidays with her family, while Remus and the rest of the Marauders would stay at Hogwarts, as part of the tradition they had started in their first year upon finding out that Sirius wouldn't be welcomed home.

Of course, now they could all go to the Potters — they had more or less adopted James' friends as their own children too (more in the case of Sirius, who had run away to them and never looked back) — but by now they've also gotten used to staying at the castle.

Lily's eyes softened when Remus told her this — especially the part where an eleven-year-old James had decided not to go back to his parents to stay with his best friend for the holidays — and Remus' heart stuttered in his chest at the sight.

"I've never stayed here for Christmas," Lily said curiously, tucking a strand of red hair behind her ear. "What is it like?"

"Wild," Remus replied with a huff of laughter. "Last year Professor McGonagall got drunk on eggnog — I mean, we're pretty sure that that's what happened, anyway," he added when Lily stared at him disbelievingly.

He laughed. You'd have thought Lily entire world had splintered — she was openly gaping and everything. "Professor McGonagall?!"

Remus only laughed harder. "Yeah, it was… an interesting day. Everyone who stays at the castle gets lunch at the same table, so we eat with the teachers, and we get some magical crackers. I think Sirius got a chess set last time, though they're mostly small trinkets — oh, and mice." He snorted as he remembered the last part and how chaotic it had gotten when one of them had somehow found its way down James' robes.

"Sounds like fun," Lily said, smiling.

"It is." Remus nodded. "But I imagine you'll have fun with your family too."

Lily's smiling grew wistful. "I hope so. Petunia — that's my sister — doesn't really like me having magic, so things are a bit tense at home."

From her following sigh, Remus gathered that 'a bit tense' was an understatement. He offered her a kind smile. "I'm sure it'll be fine for the holidays."

Lily huffed a humorless laugh. "I hope so." She sighed, eyes looking into the distance.

They walked in silence until they reached the entrance of the Library, Lily suddenly startling. "Oh, I nearly forgot."

She plunged her hand into her book bag and brought out a small package wrapped in colorful paper. She thrust it at him with a small smile, her cheeks flushing pink as she averted her eyes. "It's for you. Merry Christmas — don't open it till then, okay?" She kissed his cheek and then walked away, leaving Remus frozen right where he stood, heart hammering in his chest.

It felt oddly reminiscent of how he'd been feeling around James lately and Remus looked down at the small package he was still clutching with the feeling that he was missing something.

It wasn't until his fingers reached up to graze his cheek, right where Lily's lips had been pressed moments earlier, that he figured it out.

He stumbled over to the cold stone wall, sliding down until he was sitting on the ground. "Oh," he said to himself, struck by his revelation. "Oh, this is bad."

Remus wasn't really sure how he managed to walk back to the Common Room after that. Thoughts were swimming around in his head and he let his feet guide him as his mind raced.

He was analyzing everything that had happened over the last few months to find when this, this attraction — he refused to call it love (werewolves didn't deserve love) — had first started, and he was coming up blank.

There was no single moment where this whole thing had started, no instant of revelation where he had thought 'yes, this is someone I want'.

It would have been so much easier if there had been. Remus could have dealt with that, could have made himself forget that moment and lived on happily.

But there was no singular instant, no convenient revelation.

Instead, there were thousands of small touches — James, reaching out to pass him the sugar in the morning because he knew Remus always had to add more, their fingers grazing softly.

Lily, taking his hand to show him an interesting passage in a book or knocking their ankles together when they made progress or thought or something funny, or even just because she could.

Instead, there were too many looks and smiles to count or keep track, each and every one of them making his stomach flutter and his heart beat faster.

This wasn't supposed to happen. He had been supposed to help James get the girl, not fall in lo - find himself attracted to her. And he hadn't been supposed to realize that he was in lo - attracted to his best friend either.

He felt jittery as he walked right through the Common Room and climbed the stairs up to his dorm. His hands wouldn't stop shaking and his stomach roiled like he was about to be sick.

He let go of his bag and collapsed on his bed head first, burying his face in his pillow. Maybe if he got lucky he'd suffocate and never have to consider how stupid he was ever again.

"Are you alright, Moony?"

Of course there was someone in the room with him. Of course.

Remus rolled over, groaning. He sat up, bending his knees beneath him and hugging his pillow to his chest nervously. "I'm fine," he lied.

Sirius eyed him doubtfully. "You don't look fine. You look…" He made some kind of vague gesture that encompassed Remus' entire body, and winced.

Remus somehow found it in himself to snort, rolling his eyes sarcastically. "Why, thank you, Sirius, but I really am fine."

"If you're fine then I'm Merlin." Sirius' lips quirked up and he wiggled his eyebrows playfully. "Come on, tell Papa Sirius all of your woes."

Remus tried to stifle his laughter. He groaned as he chucked his pillow at Sirius' face. "I hate you so much right now."

"No, you don't." Sirius sobered up, sitting on the bed across from Remus so they were face to face. "Come on, you can tell me anything. You know that, right?"

Remus bit his lips but nodded. Unconsciously, his fingers started playing with the gift Lily had given him — somehow he still hadn't let go of it in all this time. It was a wonder it wasn't crushed or anything, though Remus guessed that might have to do with it being somewhat rigid and small enough to mostly fit in his hand.

"What's that?" Sirius asked, leaning in curiously.

Remus left the gift drop on his knees, fingers tracing the colorful patterns on the wrapping paper absently. "Lily gave it to me," he confessed. "For Christmas."

It felt like a betrayal to even say this, when this was just a gift. But the problem was that it didn't feel like just a gift — Lily's smile and her kiss on his cheek had made it so, had made him realize that he had been fooling himself thinking that spending so much time with someone as wonderful as Lily would lead only to friendship and helping James out.

Sirius' expression was indecipherable. "Are you going to tell James?"

Remus shrugged. "I don't know. Should I?"

"They've been getting closer, you know. James and Lily. I saw them talking before breakfast the other day."

"I know." He had seen it too. "Wasn't that the whole point of this?"

Sirius' grey eyes felt piercing as he stared at Remus, searching his face for something. Whatever it was his friend was looking for, he must have found it, because his cold expression broke away, revealing the usual warmth beneath as Sirius huffed out a laugh.

"Sure," Sirius said. "Sure it was."

James burst into the room then, hands cradled over a package so similar to the one Remus had gotten that it stole his breath away. "Lily got me a Christmas gift," he said, eyes wide with wonder.

Remus found his lips stretching into a smile helplessly at that sight. Beside him, Sirius snorted.

"Moony here got a gift too," he teased, reaching over to nudge at Remus' arm.

Remus' heart skipped a beat as James's eyes suddenly focused on him — but James didn't look mad. Not at all. In fact, if Remus had to describe it, he would say that James looked elated.

"So, what do you think it is?" James asked excitedly, walking over to them.

Remus startled. "Huh, I don't know?"

James rolled his eyes, nudging Remus aside so he could sit next to him. "Well, obviously I don't either — but we can still try to guess."

Remus opened his mouth and closed it again, at a loss for words. "Er, a book maybe?" His voice squeaked and Remus instantly wished the ground would open up and swallow him. His cheeks were burning and he didn't have to look to know they were currently bright red.

James sighed with mock disappointment, shaking his head dramatically. "A book, really? Is that the best you can come up with?"

"Well, what do you think it is then?" Remus retorted, crossing his arms and staring back defensively.

"Well…"

It was only much later, once that conversation was long since finished, that Remus remembered Sirius' words. "It was," he had said. Was. Past tense.

He shot up in his bed, heart racing. "Sirius," he whispered out in the dark. "Psst, Sirius!"

It was lucky that Sirius had always been a light sleeper, and that Peter and James weren't, because Sirius always made a such a ruckus waking up that Remus always feared he'd also wake up the whole tower.

"Whassit?" Sirius mumbled, his voice heavy with sleep as he yawned audibly. Remus heard his sheets ruffle as Sirius sat up too, and moments later Sirius' Lumos cast a ghostly white light upon their beds. "Remus? What time is it?"

"I don't know," Remus admitted. "But I need to know — what did you mean when you said 'It was the plan'?"

"You woke me up for that?" Sirius groaned, flopping back onto his bed with a groan. "For real?"

"Yes, Sirius, for real," Remus retorted, annoyed.

"You know, I would have told you had you asked at a normal time, like a normal person, but since you had to wake me up in the middle of the night while I was in the middle of a very pleasant dream, I guess you'll have to wait."

"Sirius, please," Remus said, fear spreading its cold tendrils through his veins. "I-I need to know."

Sirius rolled over to stare at him. It was hard to say in the pale light, but Remus thought his expression kind of softened.

"Ugh, fine," Sirius replied, groaning. "James likes you too, alright? I can't figure out why, though, since you're a traitor who likes to rudely wake up his friends in the middle of the goddamned night," he mumbled angrily. "Happy now? Can I go back to sleep yet?"

"James likes me?" Remus' voice stuck in his throat. "Me?"

"Yes, you."

"And he still likes Lily?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Obviously. Now, please, can I go back to sleep?" he asked in a moan.

"Oh, er, yeah, sure."

"Thank you." Sirius' light shut down instantly, returning the room to its former darkness.

Unconsciously, Remus found his eyes drifting toward James' bed. His curtains were drawn shut, so he couldn't actually see the man, but he still couldn't stop staring.

He drifted off to sleep sometimes after that. When he woke up the next morning, he couldn't remember his dreams, except for soft and warm impressions that felt dangerously like love.

The world felt different, now that he knew James liked him — that James and Lily liked him.

It made something soft fizzle in his chest. Even though he knew he couldn't possibly deserve this, he still couldn't seem to stop smiling about it or stop picturing it.

Even Peter had noticed and asked him what was up with him — with the full moon happening in just a couple of days, Remus wasn't usually this cheerful.

Sirius almost choked on his drink as Remus replied. "I'm just happy you're here with me, and that it's the holidays." His eyes found James, engaged in a staring contest with his owl, and he smiled, blushing a little. "That's it."

Understandably, Peter didn't look convinced, but an elbow to the side from Sirius persuaded him not to pursue the matter. And then Dumbledore distracted them by reminding them that the train would be leaving at eleven am, and that carriages would be waiting for those who were leaving at the entrance of the castle.

Somewhere to the side, Lily laughed at something one of her friends said, and Remus' head turned toward her like her voice was a siren's song and he was just a hopeless sailor — not that he was alone in this, because James was copying him. Or maybe he was copying James.

Or maybe they were simply both equally enchanted by the sound of Lily's happiness.

Remus became suddenly incredibly aware that he wouldn't get to listen to that sound for two weeks, and the thought broke his heart a little.

As though time had slowed, Lily shook her head and their eyes met — Lily grinned so hard Remus could see her teeth, white and perfect, and her green eyes shone like emeralds. The moment stretched, suspended between one heartbeat and the next, until Remus was afraid that it would snap.

But it didn't. Instead, it only grew softer, warmer, as Lily's eyes drifted toward James. Her grin shifted, almost imperceptibly, its edges smoothing out into something fuller.

Remus' breath caught in his chest. He didn't dare to look away or even blink, and he fought the urge to until he couldn't.

The moment broke when Lily's friend nudged her away, probably reminding her that she was supposed to be getting ready for her trip, but it left an easy smile on Remus' face.

That smile only grew when his eyes crossed James', and for the first time, he didn't look away.

Maybe, a little voice whispered in his mind. It was something he'd heard it say before, but this time, he didn't have the heart to crush it and bury it away in the corners of his mind.

This time, he thought he might like to let it grow.

Something told him he might like what that little maybe would turn into, and he was so, so tired of fighting against it.

He just wanted something good to call his own, even if he didn't deserve it.

And this, he thought as his eyes flickered from James to Lily and then back again, this could be so very good.