Esparia's A/N: Woo! One-shot! Haven't done this in a while. Heh, this has been in my head for a year now and I read something and my brain was all, "hey, Esparia, remember that thing I thought of in Art History? The one during the Central American unit? Yeah, that. Let's do that." So here it is, 'cause why not? It was supposed to be crack but things happened.

Disclaimer: I, Esparia, of course do not own Naruto and never will. While this is an AU of the original series and this strange little plot bunny is mine, the characters and setting are not.

Warnings: Political manipulations, mentions of past death, Danzo, crack idea deciding to grow legs and do what it wants, and strange sorta-but-not-really genderbending/crossdressing that's been a personal headcannon since I watched the Tsunade retrieval arc.

…

Spykage

Konoha was, once again, devastated by large beasts and the loss of their hokage. A sense of familiar mourning and trepidation dominated the population.

Orochimaru's attack and Suna's betrayal were two things that got the ever paranoid shinobi restless, but it was the Sandaime's death that worried them.

Without a hokage and no officially announced successor, the village was vulnerable to attacks. Morales were at all time lows and administration was in chaos trying to get urgent decisions made that usually fell to the hokage.

The elders and teammates of Hiruzen, Koharu and Homura, were left scrambling to find the right person to fill the position. The options were startlingly low, given how many talented shinobi there were. While Shimura Danzo was a candidate for it, he was getting up their in years. Tsunade, while potentially perfect, was out of the question because she was off who knew where. Hatake Kakashi was also a valid option, though his position as a jounin-sensei and the less than stellar psyche eval made him a little less promising. That left Jiraiya, Hiruzen's student, to ask.

That is, they were going to ask if it weren't for Asuma finding his father's will under some imaginative literature.

Asuma had found the will and, being the new Sarutobi patriarch, decided to read it.

If he had simply handed over the will to the elders, it was likely a specific little line wouldn't have been followed or simply overlooked. However, because Asuma felt the need to read his father's last wishes, and kind of hoping his father didn't cut him out of the will, it was found and quietly passed to Jiraiya.

Jiraiya was a trusted figure to Asuma, and even though he wasn't exactly close to the toad sage, he was more than willing to let Jiraiya deal with that mess. Asuma knew more about the politics of Konoha than the average shinobi, so was rightfully wary when dealing with it.

Now, Jiraiya was slightly surprised by the contents. While he agreed that his teacher's choice for a successor was more than perfect for such a position; a brilliant critical thinker that takes in every side of a problem, strong but careful, he was wise beyond his years but young enough to hold the hat long enough for Jiraiya to escape any possibility of ever donning that thing, willing to fight but not pining for war, and the classically insane loyalty to the point of self sacrifice for the village every hokage seemed to possess thus far.

Perfect, except for the very obvious problem.

He was a declared traitor, kin-slayer, and allegedly part of the terrorist group Akatsuki.

Yeah, slight problem.

Well, Jiraiya would figure that out later. First things first, after all, he needed to get out of the village and in contact with the man, all the while not falling under suspicion from certain warmongers; and he knew just how to do it.

…

Itachi wasn't expecting for this to happen when he walked through Konoha's gates.

Suspicious jounin, streaks of youthful blueish-green, and despairing genin finding out the joys of D-ranks were all expected. Even putting Kakashi-senpai under Tsukuyomi wasn't wholly unexpected.

Sarutobi Asuma deliberately, yet subtly, signing in ANBU code throughout the fight that Jiraiya needed to speak with him was something not even on the list of Itachi's list of possibilities. Even so, he motioned a subtle, 'acknowledged', before reeling Kisame in and making their leave.

It was concerning.

When Itachi was in the village and found out that there was not even an acting hokage, he had worried.

Danzo was more ambitious than could be healthy. If he had gotten the position of hokage, Itachi would have had no qualms about throwing his plan out the window and grabbing his brother (and Naruto-kun) to escape the war monger and Akatsuki both.

Luckily things hadn't come to that and it seemed Tsunade was their choice.

Contingency plans aside, Itachi wondered what Jiraiya needed to speak of that he would risk having Asuma pass it on.

It had to be urgent if Jiraiya was that desperate.

It was simple enough to track the Sannin to Shukuba; the man was obviously expecting him. It was also easy enough to find the inn Jiraiya and Naruto were staying in, and what was the toad sennin thinking bringing the child out here? Sometimes he could swear his comrades didn't think.

Spotting Jiraiya in the crowds also wasn't that hard. Even turning blind Itachi could see the large splotch of white and red exuberance. His sharingan could also make out the two large sources of chakra walking side by side that could only belong to the sannin and a jinchuriki.

With a flick of his fingers, Itachi created a shadow clone in an alley ahead of where Jiraiya and Naruto were walking.

A single hand sign later had him standing in his clone's place and another had his form change.

Itachi pulled at the hem of the too short dress with a huff. It was undignified but sadly believable.

Jiraiya's reputation was awful when it came to women just as Tsunade's was for when it came to alcohol and gambling. But it let the man gather information with freakish ease and not even the closest to the man would be surprised if he chased after a pretty girl. It also had the benefit that people wouldn't want to walk in on them if they were in a room alone.

Itachi tugged a bit on his unbound hair and walked out of the alley.

Ignoring the civilians, he brushed past Jiraiya with a demure smile and only a flicker of sharingan.

He could hear the man make excuses to Naruto and the boy's unhappy responses before the telltale sound of geta against stone behind him.

A scan of their surroundings and a show of dragging the man into a room of a nearby love-hotel, Itachi found himself sitting across from the Toad Sennin drinking tea.

"You sent for me," Itachi said, glancing at the man. "My report isn't due for another month."

Jiraiya sighed heavily, massaging his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, but it seems things just got a little more complicated."

Itachi narrowed his eyes, assessing. "It's because Sarutobi-sama died and who their successor is. Tsunade-hime, correct?"

Jiraiya grimaced. "No. Tsunade wasn't Hiruzen's pick, she's our cover for coming here. His will was specific in who could be trusted and who couldn't with the position as hokage. Sensei chose you."

Itachi's eyes widened and he set his cup down. "What?"

"You've been put down as his successor, Itachi, you're the next hokage."

"Jiraiya-sama, as much as- as much as I am flattered. It can't happen. I'm a nuke-nin. While I am and always will be a Konoha shinobi, I'm undercover. This isn't possible, surely a different person can take up the position."

Jiraiya rubbed his forehead. "I had looked into the legalities and everything comes back to you being the next hokage. If Sensei had named another candidate it would have worked, but he didn't. If the death of your kinsmen were as simple as the public know it as, it would've worked, but we both know that's not so. By law, you would be pulled from your undercover mission and return to the village as Godaime with someone taking your place."

"But it would present complications," Itachi said with a nod toward the window. "Naruto-kun's safety goes beyond just our village. I can't abandon my post."

Jiraiya nodded. "That's why Tsunade will be coming back with Naruto and me."

Itachi's mind sped through possibilities. "If you're suggesting I run the village as a nuke-nin in enemy territory and Tsunade-hime as the puppet figure, I can see a few problems with that solution."

"Tch, no." Jiraiya waved a hand. "You can't run a village outside a village where your leader might see something. No, no, you are going to be Tsunade and a traitorous nuke-nin. You'll be in both places, simple."

Itachi breathed slowly, trying to gather his remaining patience. "As proficient as I am with kage bunshin, it is not a liable way to-"

"No. You will be in both places," Jiraiya said, cutting him off with a wave. "No need to worry about bunshin or whatever. Tsunade is going to help us with that, but for now, I think it would be best if I went to save Naruto. Let's meet at that cute little stall with the good sushi a few streets down."

Jiraiya slung the younger man over his shoulder as Itachi's henge wavered back and leaped out the window and rush down the streets.

Itachi, for his part, let himself flop bonelessly as if unconscious.

It was times like these that he wished that the spy master was less eccentric and had ways of contacting him that led to less of him ending up thrown over a shoulder like a bag of rice.

Why couldn't Jiraiya have been the wandering merchant, bard, or crazy world traveler? But no, he had to be the wandering Super Pervert who wrote those dirty novels Kakashi-senpai liked.

Jiraiya announced himself with a flourish and claimed how he couldn't be so easily tricked by pretty girls. Itachi would've believed that if it weren't for the man legitimately chasing skirts just as much as getting in contact with his spy network.

Still, with Kisame decently distracted by Jiraiya's brand of crazy, it was simple to perform a kawarimi with his clone.

Seeing his clone's prone form draped over the sannin was demeaning in a way that actually being in that position wasn't.

A few blinks more than necessary and Jiraiya turned the inn into a toad's belly. Gross but workable.

Hopefully, Tsunade would be able to help them and have more sense than her teammate.

…

Tsunade peered over her sake cup at the disguised shinobi. "So you're saying you've been stuck with the position as kage and have no clue how to get out of this situation because you can't back out of either."

Itachi nodded. "Indeed Tsunade-hime. I was hoping you would have a solution but Jiraiya-sama seems to already have a plan."

"Hmph." Tsunade snorted. "Knowing his skewed logic, you'll be wearing a skirt and I'll be returning to Konoha."

Jiraiya sat next to her with a smile. "Ah, close enough, Tsunade. If Itachi is going to be impersonating you, he'd have to know how to heal beyond a crash course in the human anatomy. Here's what I was thinking."

Jiraiya laid out his idea to the two and with a few adjustments Tsunade finally conceded with a disbelieving, "this might actually work."

Itachi was pained to admit it might, but in no way did he think it was good one.

…

As a genjutsu caster, he was used to thinking up creative ways to deal with problems.

This, however, was pushing it.

"So, this is a genetic replica of myself that I can control long distance using that seal which no other person can use because it's keyed to my specific chakra."

"That would be correct, Itachi-kun," Tsunade said.

"And, potentially, could a kage bunshin of my own control it?"

"Yep," Jiraiya preened. "A work of art; isn't she."

"I am both awed and horrified." Itachi looked at the actual physical clone of himself.

…

Itachi sighed and shifted uncomfortably. "Jiraiya-sama, are you sure about this? Konoha is a shinobi village, surely someone is going to notice-"

"Stop worrying so much. It'll be fine." Jiraiya cut him off. "You're one of our best spies and quite frankly, with that sharingan of yours, you could pretend to be anyone. Only another sharingan user could notice and we only have two outside of you. Besides, who'd suspect you to be sneaking in wearing a disguise like this?"

"Hm." Itachi gave a doubtful look in the mirror. "Where have you stashed Naruto while we've been working on all this?"

"Eh, he's somewhere in the woods," Jiraiya said with a shrug.

Itachi rounded on the older man. "Jiraiya-sama, have you left the boy unattended?"

Jiraiya lifted his hands defensively. "Eh-heh, n-no, of course not! Um... your sharingan is showing."

Itachi turned back to the mirror, frowning at the sharingan wielding pig that frowned back at him. "Hm..."

"Itachi, you are the prettiest pig I've met, it'll work."

"Buhi!"

"Yes, Tonton, that also means you are the prettiest pig."

"Buhi."

"Well, it'll be easier to sneak you in than him."

"Buhi!"

"I don't know... oi, Itachi, how's your oinking? Can you even oink?"

"...hn. Buhi-buhi..."

"Put some heart into it!"

Itachi sighed. "Buhi-buhi... buhi buhi buhi!"

"That's it!"

Tsunade took one look at the closed door and turned around. There was no way she was getting involved with that.

…

"Hokage-sama! I must insist that you sign these forms. They are very important."

Tsunade sighed, gently patting the pig in her lap's head. "I've read through them and have told you that I cannot, multiple times. I will not sign something that actively harms our village."

"Buhi!" Tonton oinked meaningfully.

Tsunade gestured to the paper. "Especially the future of it. The children in the academy, while I recognize that there are many gifted students, are not ready to be soldiers and nor do I see a reason to make them so before we have a need and they are ready."

"But, Tsunade-sama, if we push the curriculum, we'll be able to spend time on more advanced subjects. We could have them-"

Tonton stomped a hoof on the desk and Tsunade cut in with a sharp, "I am not going to be swayed on this. Not every student is ready for a harder curriculum nor is every student able to understand things at the pace you are suggesting. Frankly, even if they could, I would advise against it as a medic. Children are not physically let alone mentally and emotionally ready for some of these things. I have discussed it with several Yamanaka and they have all agreed that it would be detrimental to push the students to learn at a rate they are not made for. Even if our past geniuses could learn this quickly enough, it would put them in a mentally harmful position. My answer is no and it shall remain no. You are dismissed."

"But-"

"Good-bye."

The academy advisor clenched her jaw and bowed before striding out the door with her head held high.

Tsunade sighed and slouched in her seat, letting go of the pig who jumped onto her desk.

With a poof of smoke, Tonton transformed into the infamous Uchiha Itachi. Sitting cross-legged, he flipped through the small pile of papers. "This truly was an awful proposition."

Tsunade snorted, pulling out a half-empty bottle of sake. "Brat, I could feel your chakra roiling. If I hadn't suppressed it, I would be getting some very strange questions as to why a pig had the killer intent of a kage."

Itachi gave a half shrug, still looking through the papers. "She was spewing nonsense. We'd have a lower death rate if we kept our students in the academy longer and they would be far more knowledgeable if they could learn at their own pace. There wouldn't have to be so much review if students studied to understand instead of passing tests."

"Hmph, there's a reason apprenticeships were more common when the village was first founded. The system is too..." Tsunade swirled her sake, trying to think of a word to describe what she wanted to say.

"It's too in industrialized," Itachi said, "it was made to mass educate and produce usable shinobi that could fit into any category we needed them in. Generalizing is okay to begin with, a good foundation. However, if the students don't have time to practice at what they excel at, we lose time better spent on natural talents. Granted, this is why Tobirama-sama had them start with the academy and then get jounin sensei. The problem with this is that not every sensei can offer what the students need taught to them and often need to go back over holes in their education because the academy either stressed the students too much or didn't teach it long enough for the students to really understand the concepts taught."

Tsunade blinked and took a sip of her sake. "How long have you been thinking about this? It sounds like it has been bothering you a while."

"Since I was in the academy."

Tsunade choked. "You were only in it for about a year!"

"Two." Itachi corrected. "I also watched Sasuke while he was in it. I can't say it was a great system for what teaching actually is."

"Cheeky brat," Tsunade muttered, "well, what's your plan on that? I can't imagine that you're going to be leaving it like it is."

"Umino Iruka should be called in. He should have some ideas of a better system already."

"Umino, eh?"

Itachi straitened and neatly piled the papers back into their place. "Hn, he's been known for disrupting the order of things; he thinks could do better with his ideas. He thinks outside the box in some of the most unconventional ways but has produced far more successful shinobi than any other teacher in the academy. Naruto-kun's entire graduating class are his."

Tsunade shook her head with a smile. "Kid, in the past year you have managed to not only increase our economic profits, decreased our mortality rates, bettered our safety regulations, and fixed holes in our defenses, but you've managed to have time to keep track of even the little things like the academy teacher having ideas for a possible plan you've had in the works for fourteen years."

Itachi hummed. "To be fair, you were the one that fixed our hospital's training and noticed that our old plumbing was sickening the southeastern side of the village. The village is only running so smoothly because it has two kage instead of one."

"Ha! You're the only kage here. You just listen to what this old woman is saying. Besides, anyone with half a brain could tell that there was some serious lead poisoning going on. Those pipes were old and a health hazard to everything."

Itachi huffed a small laugh. "You don't give yourself enough credit, Tsunade-hime."

"You give me too much, hypocrite."

Itachi just smiled and turned back to a set of scrolls.

…

Itachi stood before a small group of shinobi, eyes closed and breathing slow. "I leave this village for a month to take care of some important business and I come back to this."

Kakashi and Kurenai glanced at one another, wary. Their small squad had been called to take care of an incoming shinobi. They weren't expecting it to be an allegedly dead man. It was said that Sasuke himself killed Itachi, but it was possible he didn't.

They looked to Asuma, who had been recovering up until a few weeks ago. He had insisted on coming with. Both wondered if he would make it out of this fight.

Asuma scratched the back of his head, embarrassed. "It's not as bad as it looks."

Itachi gave the man a bland stare. "Asuma-san, the village is destroyed and is flatter than the soles of my shoes. How could it not be as bad as it looks?"

Kurenai looked at Asuma like she didn't know him and Kakashi was watching the two interact with interest.

Asuma coughed. "Well, no one died?"

Itachi blinked, his sharingan fading. "That is good."

"Ah, but Tsunade-hime is comatose..."

Itachi paused at this, looked at Kakashi, then back to Asuma. "...who's running the village?"

Asuma shifted his weight, uncomfortably. "Well, technically, you are Hokage-sama, but..."

Itachi narrowed his eyes. "I left Tsunade in charge. Who's been running the village?"

"...Danzo?"

"What."

"Danzo is... running the village."

Itachi closed his eyes, trying to calm down from the admittedly bad news.

Asuma shifted his weight. "He's also on his way to a summit."

Itachi raised an eyebrow, sensing that there was more to what the older ninja was saying.

Asuma looks to the rest of his squad nervously before saying, "he's also announced that Sasuke is to be executed for treason."

Itachi gave no reaction but the three before him could feel the air grow cold around the young man. "Oh? Has he?"

All three nodded hesitantly.

"Has he left yet?" Itachi asked.

"Not yet," Kakashi replied.

"Perfect."

…

Danzo walked into the Hokage's office and immediately noticed that pig sitting in his seat. With a low growl, he hobbled over and shooed it. "Get off you little vermin. I'm going to fire whoever let you in here. Honestly, who keeps a pig in their office."

"Shimura Danzo."

Danzo froze as he watched the pig smile at him.

"For multiple counts of treason, unauthorized movements of shinobi, kidnapping and torturing the village's children, undermining the power of hokage, plotting to overthrow the hokage, manipulating with malicious intent of peaceful allies without authorization, and claiming the role of hokage while the current ruling hokage is still able; I, the Godaime Hokage, hereby declare you a traitor and under arrest."

Danzo spluttered. "Tsunade? But you're in a coma!"

ANBU came from seemingly nowhere and apprehended the man.

"Hn, Tsunade-hime was never the hokage. I was."

With a sudden release of smoke, the pig revealed to be none other than the traitorous Uchiha Itachi.

"Impossible! You're dead!"

"Three mistakes. Your first was underestimating Hirzen-sama's cunning in making the secrets of his will only visible to his kin and most trusted. Your second mistake was underestimating me and assuming I died. Your third and final mistake was underestimating the lengths I go to for protecting the things I love." Itachi leaned back, eyes hard. "I love my brother, Danzo, but I also love this village. You have put both at risk with your behavior and poor choices which leaves me no choice but to reveal you along with myself to the village. If I die because of this, so be it. But I will not let you harm another in this village while I can still do something about it. That, Danzo, is the lengths that a hokage with the will of fire will go to to protect their village."

Dampening sealed and cuffed, Danzo was dragged from Itachi's office.

Asuma waited for the door to shut before he asked, "what do you plan to do now?"

Itachi sighed, turning his head toward the window and the village below.

"Now? We continue forward. We continue building up the village. We fight the incoming storm on Akatsuki's front." Itachi smiled. "We live and love. We continue. That's what it means to be a shinobi of the leaf, and that's what I am and always will be.

Konoha had been, once again, devastated by large beasts and the seeming loss of their hokage. But for some reason or another, a sense of hope and excited expectancy filled the population.