The Very Thought

Sam

Sam's head hit the soft cushion like a ton of bricks and he was out for the count seconds later, he slept for a solid 4 hours before he stirred feeling like all the liquid had been sucked out of his body and he was about to take his last breath "Water" he stifled out before panic set in at him perishing in this place "I need water" he waved his hands frantically as he saw shapes running towards him

"Sir you need water, drink this" a woman's voice said in his ear, he felt something touch his mouth, regardless of the stories he'd heard he needed water, he couldn't even see who this person was but one thing was for sure he needed water, he grabbed the object and drunk until he felt he was drowning.

"Thank you" he gasped as he tried to catch his breath "Thank you" he grabbed out to catch the person he was talking to until his vision returned "I think you saved my life" he smiled at the elderly woman that stood over him

"You need to go to your room Sir" she told him in her thick Jamaican accent "The sun kills you know" she laughed watching him get up slowly and wonder off

He got to his hotel room and breathed when the air being circulated by the fans hit his face, he threw himself in the only chair in the room and basked in the cool air his eyes closed and his head facing the ceiling fan, his arms wide open to catch air all over his body "God that's good" he lay back smiling. The room at the Jamaica Inn overlooked the large pool accessible from the balcony, it was a small room housing a chair that lived by the balcony door, the bed was the largest piece of furniture in the room with a dresser and wardrobe, to the right of the chair there was a small bathroom with tub, wash basin and toilet. His thoughts were interrupted by loud noises coming from a room in the vicinity "Talk about vocal" he laughed grabbing the fresh newspaper near the bedside when he recognised the sounds

Sam was the Great Great Grandson of a well known slave master on the island of Jamaica back then, his Great Great Grandfather was born in 1810, well before slavery had been abolished in Jamaica, the great Samuel Evans owned nearly half of the land at the time of his great reign and eventually split it between his 6 young children, before he passed in the early 1840s of young man's disease.

By the late 1850s, when slavery was no longer a prosperous opportunity, the young family took the payout along with what little slaves they had left and returned to America looking for areas that had no slavery restrictions. The family ended up in Tennessee and afforded a good run of prosperity, until the 1880's when it was all but eradicated in America. At that point Great Grandfather Evans, at nearing 50 years old, was intending to make the decision to flee to Brazil, he was all but ready until in the early 1888 the message came that slavery had been abolished there too. His first wife died shortly after that in childbirth, after which he took a young wife and had 1 more child, which was Sam's Grandfather, his Great Grandfather took a sudden illness and died at the age of nearly 60 just before Sam's Grandfather was born in 1889 the youngest of a total of 3 children.

Sam's Great Grandfather had left his mark on the family, owning people was engrained in them, and although they took to coal mining they still had workers doing hard labour for pittance pay, all the hard grafting was still done in the main by the thriving free black community. True they didn't actually own these people outright but they paid them enough to keep them needing to come back and that was Sam's hard to swallow pill, they were for all intents and purposes still slave trading. It seemed like nobody in the family agreed with the goings on, but none of them were willing to make a change either, he became frustrated with living oblivious like that.

Sam's father was born in 1909, married when he was 21 as was almost traditional, Sam being a 30s child, was shielded while he was of school age, but once he went off to college the world became bigger for him and he realised his gripes weren't just his but nearly everyone who wanted to live in a free world. It was 1956 now and he'd just had his 21st Birthday for him that was liberation from childhood to manhood, but for his father that meant it was time for him to find a wife, and produce more children to allow the bigoted values that had somehow become the backbone of his family ethos to carry on. How was he supposed to focus on that when people were still being treated like slaves in parts of the country, when the family of his so called wife to be was very much for the incarceration of human beings because of the colour of their skin, there was a revolt going on for crying out loud. His focus was on justice and his music, he was putting words to music way before the world was ready to hear what he had to say, he was singing love, forgetting about hate and even questioning religion all topics that made him stand out as rebellious.

"Shit" he jumped up saying when he realised that the screams were getting louder, he grabbed his door key and left his room in search of the noise "What the Hell..." he walked down the corridor saying as it became apparent that someone was being hurt. Finding the door the noise was coming from, he kicked it open "What are you doing?" he asked of a man standing over a woman with a belt in his hand

"Mind your business" the man looked up telling him still holding the woman down

"This is everyone's business, when you decide to come to a hotel to beat your wife" he told him turning as he heard muffled chat going on behind him

"Get off her" a voice from behind him shouted as two men came forward to stand next to him, the man did as told and walked out the room leaving the woman to sort herself out, the other women standing in the doorway, ran to her aid and the men left them to it, Sam walked off shaking his head, he could never understand why a man would find himself a wife to mistreat her

"Hello" he looked up shocked as he walked back into his room to find a young girl standing there

"I came to bring water, the cook said you nearly died" she almost threw the jug down saying in her thick native accent, as she stepped past him and walked out

"Thank you" he said quietly, she was already at shouting distance "Nice service, not" he said under his breath as he stood watching her walk, unsure where his mind was going just then, but the only word that jumped out at him was challenge

Cedes

Cedes had been getting culture schooled now she was 21, and the things she was reading weren't impressing her at all, she'd started her journey into her black history from as far back as the 1600s looking at the British influences in the trading of her forefathers to farm sugar, rum and molasses, the so called three sided trade ring that the British boasted about, the rebellions that followed, instigated by various groups around Jamaica which finally fed into the abolition of slavery on her Island. Although slavery was officially abolished early 1800 it took some 30 years to get into the brains of some slave owners, she'd looked into achieves and found out that her mothers family master was called Evans born in the 1790s a direct descendant of this Samuel Evans she figured, and that name was proudly handed down through generations like some sort of trophy for what they'd done. So the fact that she'd been sent to a room to give yet another Samuel Evans water because he was dying was a spit in her ancestors eye, he should have been left to die, that's what his fate should have been, she huffed as she walked away from his hotel room

She got to the end of the corridor still mad as she tried to understand how one human being could do such things to another and not even have a damn conscience about it, surely he must know the history too, why the hell would he come back here and expect us to cater for his every damn need. She finished her shift thanking God that she hadn't had to visit Mr Evans' room again that day, because she'd have lost her job for not being able to keep her mouth shut around the man, he looked so arrogant.

This history thing had made her even doubt her religion, she was thinking about how slavery had been something her forefathers had brought into and how those from the west had used Christianity as a tool to keep their slaves submissive. For now she was happy that she believed in God, there had to be something after this life, but maybe the bible had the series of events twisted in the slave masters favour, so as well as finding her true self she was also in search of the true God.

Sam

The next morning after breakfast Sam took a trip around the Island, he was trying to find a truth for himself , he'd read the stories, listened to some hearsay about events that might have happened but he felt if his Great Great Grandfather was responsible for so much slavery and death, there had to be a reason why, it couldn't have really just been greed. His hired driver had picked him up and he'd started out in Kingston visiting areas his parents had told him belonged to his family back in the day, he was met with nothing but ruins, shanty towns and locked up churches he visited Black River, Discovery Bay which was still very busy with shipping, but still no evidence of there being any positive heritage left from his family, Montego Bay was full of tourist and it was hard to establish who was responsible for prosperity there, there really was no evidence to say his forefathers had left anything positive that the natives would want to carry on

Early afternoon and he was on the last of his days travel stopping at a house, the other side of Montego Bay to where he was staying, his oldest uncle always spoke about this place with a passion "Hello" he smiled as a small child came to the door "Could I speak to your Father?" he asked the smiling child, who ran off as soon as he spoke

In the distance he was looking at the Old Court House a place history told him was fundamental in the great slave rebellion of Christmas 1831, it was abandoned now but he stood imagining all the planning, fighting and death that might have happened in that place. He wondered for a second if his uncle was with or against the people that resided here, his stories sort of said he turned a blind eye but the reception he got now would reveal the truth in that story

"Can I help you Sir?" a woman came to the door asking

"Yes I was looking to speak to the man on the house, if you don't mind" he smiled

"He's in the field, he'll be back in about an hour" she told him as he saw a child run off, obviously to go get him

"I'll wait in the car" Sam told her pointing at his cab

"No, you'll die in the heat come in have a cold drink" she smiled her accent making him have to listen to catch the conversation, her hand action telling him more than her words "Come in Mr..."

"Sam, my name's Sam" he smiled shaking her hand as he entered the house, he found a seat and sat watching the women in the house go about their tasks, cooking, cleaning, washing and chatting, their accent too thick for him to follow, while he sipped his cool lemonade. The ladies broke into song and he could almost lay back and fall asleep at the hum, he was nearly there when he heard footsteps on the pouch that told him someone was entering the house, he moved in the chair to shake himself awake before jumping up "Sir" he smiled when the man entered the house

"Sir" the dark skinned, man came walking towards him saying as Sam held his hand out for shaking

"My Uncle told me about this place, and asked me to visit" he told him "His name's Ben Evans"

"Sorry that means nothing to me, My name's Alvin Douglas" he stood telling him

"Oh sorry, I seem to have wasted your time" Sam told him a little red faces

"No not at all, maybe you should speak to my wife, her Mother's maiden name was Evans"

"It was?" Sam asked surprised, somehow he'd expected to find a male bloodline, Alvin called his wife through and they sat talking about stories from their history for a long while "I realised this goes nowhere when we look back at the history between our families" Sam said looking angry for the horrible stories Ann had passed over speaking of torture, rape, drugging, starvation, murder and pillage, all things he'd heard previously but coming from someone that seemed to be feeling the pain of her forefathers it was horrific "But I'm truly ..."

"Sorry is that what you were going to say?" a voice came from the doorway interrupting him

"Yes it..."

"...Well don't bother, she might forgive, she's still at Massa stage but I never will Mr Evans"

"Cedes" Grandma Ann hissed across the room "Stop it"

"Stop what?" she looked at her asking "He comes in here like we owe him something, coming with a sorry for the hundreds of years his kind ill-treated us and you want to listen to his sorry?" she rolled her eyes asking

"Even so Cedes, we shouldn't be rude about it" her Grandfather told her "Your Grandmother will deal with this however she sees fit, now go do your chores" she stood staring at Sam for a while before she actually turned and went to do as her Grandfather had asked "Sorry, she's a bitter young woman, she just needs time to adjust, she's just started looking into our history" he turned to Sam telling him

"She wasn't lying" Sam told him "But I really do want to apologise for what my forefathers did, it was wrong, very wrong" he said getting up to leave "It was very nice of you to take the time to talk to me about this" he shook hands telling them as he left

"I hate people like you" he heard as he walked across the yard to get to his cab, turning to see Cedes standing with her hand as her right hip shouting at him "You think you can just say sorry and then go back to your perfect life where everything is laid on a damn table for you, probably by some Mammy you still call Jane or some shit name like that" she spat at him

"As I said to your Grandmother, that was my forefathers I can't do anything about what they did, but I can assure you, that's not how I plan to live my life" he turned to tell her "And just so you know I take issue with the way you keep wrapping me in the same cloth as those barbarians" he told her jumping in the cab before she could say anything else

"Well as far as I'm concerned you are one of those barbarians" she shouted after the cab as Sam sat looking at her

"What is her damn problem?" he sat looking at her ranting as the car moved making her smaller "She damn well.." he searched for a word to express his feelings "Excites me when she mad" he smiled finally turning to watch where the cab was taking him "Challenge" he whispered

Cedes

Cedes stood shouting her feelings at the moving cab, that man had just been talking to her Grandmother and she heard the stories, some she knew bits of but she'd told this man some detail and she couldn't understand how her Grandmother sat there and smiled at the man after what his people had done to hers. Maybe she was programmed just like it had said in that book she'd been reading last week, that bible had a lot to damn well answer to "And don't come back snake" she shouted as she saw the last of the dust settle after the cab in the distance

"Cedes" her Grandmother called, she turned and went running back round to the back of the house to find her

"Grandma?" she replied when she found her

"You can't be like that with young Evans, yes his people did some bad things, to not just our family but many people, but it wasn't him. We have to live in this world and they are part of it" she smiled grabbing her granddaughters hand "So we try not to be as harmful as they were, we learn to show them kindness, learning by example we call it" she smiled

"Sorry Grandma but I call it rolling over"

"How do you come to that?"

"It's like, how does a child know manners if it's parents don't tell them the difference between rude and polite?"

"Well that's why you have parents"

"So I think we need to look at ourselves as parents, they obviously don't know the difference between right and wrong or slavery would never have existed"

"Maybe not at the beginning but they eradicated it in the end, because they knew it was wrong"

"Because they were forced to Grandma that's not the same"

"Child all I know is you can't bring back the past, you can only try and look to the future, and if they're going nowhere and we sure ain't going nowhere, we need to find a way to live together, apart, but together"

"So you agree with him coming in here rubbing our noses in it?"

"If you'd have listened to him you'd know he was struggling with his past just as much as you are , he's hurt about what his family did"

"Hurt?" she giggled sarcastically

"Yes hurt, he's here searching for a reason as to why one human being would want to buy another, and he's also searching for the logic behind why his family thought that buying people was a good thing to do" she looked into her granddaughters eyes "You still so remind me of my Mother, she was a militant woman too, all for the equal rights and everything that's why my family settled here near the Old Court House" she looked over at the disused building in the distance "You have her eyes with the same fire" she rubbed Cedes cheek telling her "Put it to good use" she told her getting up to kiss her forehead before walking away from her

Cedes sat thinking about what her Grandma had said, it was alright looking at things from the other side of that imaginary fence, but the divide was real, the struggle was real and she couldn't or didn't want to understand why someone would need to question or even sit to wonder, how they'd became part of the privileged few "Cedes" she heard a familiar voice and got up to go see her Mother, getting and giving her usual hugs.

Her Mother lived in St Ann's with her Father, they worked in the newly built Rio Hotel, that was what they did, go around setting up and getting standards set in various hotels around the Island. Her Father came from St Ann's, so when the opportunity came up for them to work there they took Luke; her 15 year old brother, and went to stay with her Grandparents Jones; her Dad's parents. Cedes was already working in the hotel in Montego Bay so it seemed logical she stayed and keep her grandparents here company.

"Pops just told me what you've been up to, mind your manners girl" she told her as she hugged her "Remember you always need to be the better person"

"I'll try, how's Pops?" she enquired of her father "And Luke?"

"They're good, working" she told her as she took some delights out of her bag for her

"Hmm chocolate" she rubbed her hands together smiling as she saw the wrapper

"Yes all the way from England, you know where those people you don't like come from, but you love their chocolate" her Mom laughed teasing her with the bar in her hand as Cedes tried to grab it, she finally gave it to her "And the moral of the story is?" she asked as they both held the bar of chocolate

"Eat the chocolate in private, I guess"

"No" she laughed "There are always two sides to every story"

"Yeah there's a slave and an owner" she laughed as her Mom let go of the bar, rolling her eyes as she watched her walk away, she could be so stubborn sometimes 'why is everyone on his side?" she thought as she walked looking around at all her brainwashed family 'That bible stuff' she frowned

Sam

He sat back in the cab taking in all the information he'd been given from Ann and Alvin, it had painted a completely different picture to the prosperous one his Grandfather and the others had painted, he felt even more ashamed than he did before he started the journey. That Cedes or whatever her name was had it cut right, he should be ashamed, something that had started some 400 plus years ago was still impacting on these people's lives that was true but, they needed to know how it was impacting on his life too. He sat remembering her words 'You think you can just say sorry and then go back to your perfect life' and laughed to himself "If she only knew" he said, when he'd left America he'd thought that but obviously his mind had changed now. He needed a new identity something that set him apart from the haters on both sides because truly he hated no one, except maybe his parents right now as he remembered what was waiting for him back home

"Emma's a nice girl Sam" he remembered his Mother shouting at him because he'd just told them he wasn't going to fall into their traditional trap, he wanted someone he loved

"We're talking about the rest of my life here Mother, I won't be tied to someone I don't even like and children too" he huffed "It's not me, it's not what I want for my life" he'd shouted back, what he really wanted to say is her family treat people like commodities and that just didn't sit right with everything he wanted to stand for, and no they weren't getting the opportunity to treat him like one either

"I think you'll find it's what we've agreed for you and we both know children don't disobey their parents around here" his Father told him like that was the final word on it

"I'm not disobeying I just need some time" he'd lied "I just need to get my head round this, I need to get away from here for a bit" he told them, two hours later he was standing at the train station with his case and an hour after that he was at the airport getting on a rather noisy plane to Jamaica looking for his roots. He was jerked out of his thought when the cab stopped and he realised he was back at the hotel, making his way to his room he decided he needed to make a call, picked the phone up and asked for a line

"Mother" he said coldly when the phone picked up "I'm fine, I had to get away I'm in Jamaica for a few days and I'll be back next week" he told her as she worried herself with his well-being "I'm not rebelling" he laughed sarcastically, checking the time, he knew he was answering a few more questions before his time ran out and when it finally bleeped he was happy to put the phone down.

He had room service for his evening meal and sat on the balcony watching the night sky until sleep crept up on him, he closed the doors, rolled into bed pulling the mosquito net over him seconds later he was asleep

The next day he woke up to a bang and looked up to see someone walking into his room with a tray ahead of them "Can I help you?" he asked wiping his face and rubbing his eyes to get some focus

"Your breakfast you ordered it for 7.15am in your room" the voice came back at him, it sounded familiar as he focused on where the sound came from and allowed his eyes to clear vision

"Miss Douglas" he said, a smile on his face as he sat up in his bed "Was there really a need to wake me up like that?"

"What you want cold breakfast?" she asked aware she was being well out of order in not approaching him properly but right now she didn't care

"You maybe could have just called my name" he flattened his hair telling her "Or come close and whispered in my ear" he smiled

"Or if I was younger I could have come lay at your feet so you could keep warm, rub your crusty feet on my soft black skin or maybe serviced you in your damn bed" she spat back at him

"Really?" he asked shocked at her response "I could definitely report you for all that"

"That wouldn't be the first time one of your family had punished one of mine"

"You're not the only one hurting about that stuff you know, I'm having a hard time too" he shouted back at her as she stood looking at him

"So now you've raised your voice I'm supposed to be scared of the consequences of speaking my mind?"

"The intention wasn't to scare you, I'm angry about history too, and I just wish you'd take a second to understand how I feel coming from a legacy of such barbarians"

"Barbarians" she smiled "I like your description"

"Yes barbarians, so could you stop shouting at me like we're back in the 1400s and I can actually do something about this situation we find ourselves in today"

"I'm not actually shouting I'm stating facts, I mean there's a revolt going on yet you see fit to fly across the waters for a damn holiday, talk about privileged"

"I'm not privileged I'm run... never mind" he waved his hand for her to leave

"What was that, did you just dismiss me?" she looked at his hand asking

"I'm saying thanks for bringing my breakfast" he laughed nervously "So can I get to eat in peace?"

"You can" she flipped her tail and left his room huffing "God he gets me so damn mad, so fast" she huffed as she went

"God she's hard work" he jumped out his bed telling himself "But I'm not afraid of work" he washed his face in the hot water before grabbing his breakfast and falling back into bed, he needed to forget home, the day went lazily

Sam & Cedes

He wasn't sure what time it was, when he woke up to rattling in his ear looking around he smiled as he saw Cedes back in his room dragging the trolley and walking backwards looking at him almost naked on top of his sheets "Sorry" she told him as she carried on walking, unable to take her eyes off his soft skin ruffled between sheets, his muscles flexing as he moved and the cute smile that came to his face the instant he knew it was her in the room

"Sorry" he jumped up, grabbing the sheet over him saying "I fell asleep" he sat up watching her pull the trolley "I have something to say to you actually" he told her watching as she slowly stopped walking

"You have something to say to me?" she chuckled sarcastically "Please don't say sorry, I have a gag reflex"

"No I'm being serious, I have something to say" he told her as she left the trolley and walked back towards him

"I'm listening" she stood at the chair telling him, looking through the balcony door "I'll scream if you touch me"

"Nothing like that, we've been at each other since we met, I think we started off wrong and maybe we're fighting the same war"

"You are not in my war, believe" she waved her hand telling him

"I guess that's you dismissing me" he told her as he watched her hands move

"No that means like, whatever" she smiled

"But when I did it, it had to mean I was dismissing you?"

"I guess it could have meant whatever" she looked at him saying refusing to smile, she hadn't noticed his eyes how deep they were, actually she'd never looked at him long enough to see his eyes, she only ever went as deep as his skin "So what do you want?" she sat in the chair without permission asking

"I need you to know who I am" he pulled his trouser on dropping the sheet to do up his zip and grab his shirt as she sat watching him, smiling at his still noticeable morning bulge as he moved "We've both read the books, we've heard the stories, and yeah my family flowered it up more than they should have, I suspect that was to get me on board. I can't lie, before I went off to college I was on board, as in, I thought that life they've created for me was my lot and I was all for finishing college and getting into it" he sat on the end of the bed telling her "And as my eyes were opened I could see that I was undeserving of my life, the way my forefathers went about getting that for me was wrong and I really don't want anything to do with that" he smiled

"Then don't" she told him, her eyes focused on his lips as they moved, him telling his story but his lips begging her for something, her eyes jumped as his tongue came out and wet his lips before he started talking again

"I tell myself that every day, but then I'm sitting around wondering what not having anything to do with that would look like, and I'm talking about leaving everything and everyone I know" he raked his hand through his hair frustrated "And although I hate the way of life and the ground in culture my family has, they're still my family, so who would I have"

"I don't know"

"Neither do I" he smiled at her genuine answer as he watched her chest rise and fall with the despair of it all "Ask me how I feel about all this on any day and I'll tell you straight ashamed, embarrassed, a disgrace all the bad words you can think of, but what can I do about it? nothing, it happened and all I can do is live with this shame and try and do better"

"Do better?"

"Yeah treat everyone with respect, equal, look at our similarities and not our differences, live and let live"

"But that's so hard to do, especially when you're the person that's been wronged" Cedes told him

"I'm not even pretending to understand how you feel, I know it's merited, all I'm asking is that you acknowledge that how I'm feeling is merited too"

"Cedes" they heard looking out the window to see the head chambermaid looking back at them

"She's coming I asked her to wait on something" Sam told her as Cedes jumped up and they both walked to the door like they were gathering things in the room before she left "Bye" he smiled his face close enough to touch hers, but he resisted

"Bye" she smiled back, he'd given her something to think about, and everything to feel "My name's Cedes Jones by the way not Douglas"

"Bye Miss Cedes Jones" he smiled

"Bye" she said before closing the door

Sam stood wondering what made him do that, why did he feel the need to tell her anything about his feelings 'did it actually matter what she thought about him' actually yeah it mattered what everyone thought about him and she just happened to be most in his face about it, plus she was beautiful about it he smiled

Mercy walked down the corridor wondering why she'd actually given that man the time of day 'because he had something to say' she smiled telling herself, and hell I wanted to hear it, I think I needed to hear it, and now I have, I know it meant something him telling me that, plus he's not at all hurtful to the eye

Sam spent the day on the beach, eating and listening to music, he glimpsed Cedes a few times as she went about her days work and they smiled but it wasn't appropriate for them to sit and have conversation while she was supposedly working. Just after dinner he got up and joined the band to sing his upbeat version of 'Sway' by Michael Buble noticing Cedes standing listening as he messed about on stage and got claps for his efforts, smiling when he saw her clapping too. He ordered breakfast for the morning and returned to his balcony to watch the activities for the rest of the evening before falling into bed again

The next morning when she bought his breakfast to his room he was already awake, sitting in the chair and looking out past the pool to the sea ahead, the red sky mixing with the sea sending a tranquillity across the land "Morning" he smiled as she walked into the room

"Morning" she smiled, a bit sad she hadn't found him naked on the bed again, she prepared his breakfast before pushing the trolley forward for him to take "Anything else?"

"No that's fine, thank you" he smiled, watching her walk towards the door

"Actually" she turned before she touched the handle "About your comments yesterday" she walked back towards him saying

"Please don't tell me your going to say sorry" he laughed

"No" she smiled, his heart literally skipped a beat as he sat watching her face break into a million pieces and form an even more beautiful version of her, it was a genuine smile "I was going to say I understand your dilemma and I can see the similarities between us so maybe we are in the same war" she told him before turning to leave the room again.

Sam sat smiling at her revelation, did that mean she wasn't going to be ranting at him every time she saw him, could they be like friends, allies or lovers even, he turned to look back at the view across the sky. He'd had nearly a week and he hadn't come up with a plan just yet, he was still destined to return home and marry this Emma girl melt into her bigoted family and then he'd be tied in for life. He could go back to America and head North find himself a wife up there and return home with her so they couldn't marry him off to that witch and her family, that was a plan, he smiled happy with his conclusion

Two days on and he'd been back to Kingston to see about some sugar orders his Dad had called about and to grab himself some trinkets from the local shops, he hadn't got an agenda just some him time, Cedes hadn't been at work for him to have more conversations with, suddenly that was something he was missing her voice, smile, laugh. He'd sat talking with a group of young people that second night, he'd seen them arrive that Saturday four boys and a girl, the three boys and the girl were siblings, the other guy was their sisters husband

"We're here to sow some oats" David had told him immediately sending alerts to his brain

"Oats?" he'd asked, so shocked he needed clarification

"Yeah, relive some old times, these Jamaican girls are... you know" David confirmed

"Are they?" he asked

"Well that's what Grandpa tells us" he knocked his brother laughing

"I'd be careful if I were you, they're not slaves any more they'll kick back" Sam laughed, making some excuse about having to go before he jumped up and left their company, there were too many to fight alone, there was no battle to be won there today, he left hoping that whoever their target was would actually give then something to remember in the worst way.

He didn't much mix with the other guests at the hotel, they were all very full of themselves, their talk indicated they were forging a verbal battle against the north as their conversations were dominated by the events of the current uprising. He went back to his room, and looked at the crowds gathered around the pool and at the bar wondering why they would find a place like Jamaica to holiday if they were so against the people that were now native to it, he lay on his bed listening to the noises of the night as he fell asleep

He woke up the following morning to see Cedes sitting in the chair across from his bed watching him sleep "What's the matter?" he asked shooting up to sit up in his bed before he remembered he'd got no trousers on and pulling the sheet higher up his chest

"Nothing I've had time to think and I just needed to talk I suppose" she smiled "But I was enjoying the view" she stared for a while before looking out the window

"I can identify with that" he smiled back "Can I get some pants on?" he asked, as he watched her look around the room and grab his trouser, throwing them on the bed for him to reach "Thanks" he grabbed them telling her as he slipped into them while still in bed before throwing the sheets back to visit the bathroom "A minute" he told her as he rushed past her, she dare not look down to see what was going on for him just then, his eyes were looking deep into hers

"I enjoyed your version of that song the other night, what genre is that?" she shouted through to him, once she'd finished her smile for where his eyes had taken her

"Mixed Jazz maybe slowed down just something I was messing about with, I heard the record in Kingston yesterday, it was a lot slower than that though, and it gave me an idea"

"So it's your imitation of ska maybe?" she laughed "It sounded nice anyway"

"What was that?" he came out the bathroom asking a towel patting his wet face

"I said it was alright" she looked up telling him, she couldn't help notice his muscles as she sat wondering if he'd meant her to see him like that, checking if he was actually teasing her with his damn body

"So you needed to talk?" he sat on his bed asking her, she watched him pull a vest over his head before she started talking, her mind telling her that wasn't enough he needed a coat or something to distract her

"Yeah I guess as I said I understand where you're coming from and it wouldn't hurt for you to know where I am right now" she told him, shaking her head to get the vision of him naked in the bed out of her head

"Okay, hit me I can take it"

"I don't want to hit you" she pulled her head back telling him

"No, I mean start your story"

"Gosh we just live in two different worlds" she rolled her eyes telling herself and him, pulling her left leg underneath her she sat comfortably in the chair "So I guess the word that jumped out at me when I looked into my feelings about my whole history was raped" she looked at him to say the word "In the worst way, of my womanhood, birth right, home, body, choice, family, the feeling of belonging, I could go on forever. I don't belong, we try to make this place a home, but it's still the home our slave masters made for us and then left to us, now there's only land to work, we still do that but now for nothing, the rest of the world has moved on and we're lost stuck trying to make the best of the worst ever situation" she told him a tear falling from her face at the reality, which she quickly wiped off her hand

"I don't know what to say" he sat in front of her saying

"My women run around having children with whoever will lay with them because they fear they may never see their children again so if they send enough out there one of them will turn back up, or be the one to conquer the enemy, that's been instilled in us, it's not who we are it's who we've become"

"I'm ..."

"Don't tell me that your sorry, that's not what I want to hear" she held her hand up telling him "Our men are like dogs on heat, they've been used like us as breeding machines, is it any wonder they lack when it comes to responsibility, they work no doubt, but that too is instilled"

"So how do we make change?"

"This is something that has been passed on for many generations, it might be easier for you than me because you still have a place you're familiar with to call home, I'm lost between my blackness and my slavery, living in search, and until we find that place again I seriously wonder if there's any hope for us as a people"

"This whole slavery thing is fresh to us, it's not been 100 years since it was totally abolished, I believe in years to come people like us will be fighting side by side for free speech, equality, against exploitation and these things won't be about colour they'll be about basic human rights"

"I hope your right Sam, but right now that doesn't stop me from feeling dirty, raped and undervalued"

"I think that might just be the first time you've called me by my name" he smiled, she couldn't help notice his face break into the widest smile, he looked vulnerable, open, honest and cute

"I best get to work, I'll bring your breakfast in a sort while" she smiled before getting up to leave his room

Sam couldn't stop smiling, she'd actually opened up to him and he felt it was honest and genuine, they could finally be civil to each other, sit in the same room surely that in itself was progress "Have we just connected?" he asked himself as he watched the door close

"We just connected" Cedes smiled to herself as she walked down the corridor

She came back a while later with his breakfast as she'd promised "We need to celebrate, we actually had a conversation earlier" he laughed as she swung the trolley round

"I guess we did" she giggled, noticing Sam standing taking great enjoyment from her chuckle, they spoke for a short while before her work took precedence and the pool became Sam's priority for the day

The next day the head chambermaid brought his breakfast, he sat thinking he was sure Cedes had said she was working, assumed she'd got it wrong and carried on as normal, he'd got 3 days left of his holiday and he was nowhere near a resolve for his situation. The sun started it's usual midday burn and he immersed himself in the pool, staying until his skin was wrinkling before he decided it was time to retire to his room, he was laying on his bed his eyes about to close when he heard a knock at the door "Come in" he sat up saying as the door swung open "Cedes" he said surprised to see her this time in the evening "I didn't expect you" he smiled

"I've been busy on the other side of the complex all day, I think Head knows we talk" she smiled "Close those curtains" she ordered as she stood at the door obviously hiding, Sam got up and drew the curtains "You only have two days left and I'm guessing you haven't got a plan yet"

"Not a one" he smiled

"So let's get planning" she jumped in the chair telling him

"I don't even know where to start" he threw himself on the bed and lay back looking at the ceiling, conscious Cedes was in the room

"Let's start with what your options aren't" she giggled, jumping on the bed her feet against the wall while his dangled off the bed their faces opposite each other upside down as they both got to thinking.

"I can't marry someone I don't know" he told her

"I don't know whether I can have a conversation without my mind running back to the past" she smiled

"I definitely need love" he looked at her saying

"I guess love would be at the top of my list too" she looked into his eyes telling him

"I mean you can't just make love with anyone right?"

"I guess not" she looked at him saying "I mean I couldn't, there'd have to be love"

"Definitely love" his look lingered on her telling her

The conversation went on for a while before Sam finally opened the drinks cabinet and they took a drink, as the conversation got free and happy deviating from the subject matter "I'd marry you, if that were ever the done thing" she giggled falling back onto the bed

"I'd marry you" he told her touching her forehead and running his finger between her eyes, down the line of her nose and stopping just before he hit the clef of her lips "I could make love to you forever"

Cedes stopped laughing as she looked at him trying to establish whether he was being kind or real, she'd never imagined a white man ever looking at her and saying those words, she lay on her side looking back into his deep eyes looking for his truth "Sam" she finally said deciding to take it as a joke, cutting her eye playfully at him "Flattery will get you everywhere" she sat up telling him

"I mean it" he held her eyes telling her, as he sat up to match her, his hand went up to grab her head and pull it to his

"Sam, don't" she pulled away telling him, springing up on the bed at the same time "We shouldn't be doing that stuff" she flattened her dress and brushed her hair back with her hands as she spoke

"I said I mean..."

"Sam stop it" she shouted at him "This isn't funny" she stood up telling him

"It's not funny, we agreed we wanted to be a part of the change that needs to happen, maybe this is it, our part in this change" he stood in front of her telling her

"I'm not sure" she looked at him almost frightened at the prospect of things getting out of hand right now

"That's fine" he moved away from her making sure she understood she had a choice here "I don't want us doing anything we're not both comfortable with"

"You'll stop if I ask?"

"Of course"

"Alright" she smiled as he leaned forward, she stood still and let him move towards her, her heart beating so fast she couldn't catch a decent breath. She saw his face getting bigger as he moved closer, suddenly she felt his breath on her face, she knew it was his breath but she couldn't actually say where it was hitting her whole face was tingling in anticipation.

There was so much stuff to get through, so much to think about before they should take this next step but all Sam could think right now was kissing this woman was the single most important thing in his life right now, his brain was buzzing, he was sweating as he watched her eyes close before closing his and their lips met.

It took a while before she started to kiss him back, this was a new feeling for her, she'd kissed but not like this and not with the expectation that things could go further, her mind was way past a kiss right now, and with that she didn't know if she was excited, scared or anxious

Suddenly she was being pulled towards the bed, she panicked for a second unsure of the events to come "What.." she asked before Sam took control

"Don't worry I'll keep my word, I'll stop when you want to" he whispered in her ear as he raised her hands, she held them up and let him remove her dress, she kissed him urgently feeling his hands making light work of her underwear and she soon became aware that she was standing naked in front of him her body pressed against his as her hands raked through his hair, the smell of Tars aftershave awakening her body, he pushed her away from him and stood looking at her his face red with want, lips swollen from the kisses, his eyes the deepest green "You're beautiful" he told her before he pulled her to him with some urgency, she gabbed his head as his mouth fell to her nipple, noises passing from them as they explored each others bodies

"No babies Sam" she stopped to tell him

"Okay, no babies" he smiled as they sat then lay together on the bed, Cedes looking up into his face as they gave and received pleasure. They couldn't get enough of each other it was new, real, raw, Sam laughed when Cedes roughly flung him off her and climbed on top of him, this was a new thing for him, he wasn't used to women full stop let alone one who knew what they actually wanted in bed, but hell it blew his mind.

Cedes couldn't recognise herself in this man's bed, her first time had been more of a wham bam from some local country boy that had lured her into the bushes and talked her through his disrespect of her body, he was already inside her before she knew she was actually having sex. This time her body knew, even expected, yearned for sex to happen, his hands were touching her body with care, his eyes asking for permission with every move as she offered herself up to him, she felt special

Their bodies lay sweaty, and lifeless a few hours later, Cedes didn't have the energy to look to the side let alone move and if she was tired she knew Sam would be asleep already. She finally looked to the side to see his eyes closed and smile at her job well done, try as she might she couldn't get up, and a warm feeling came over her when Sam pulled her to him and hugged her into him, she finally joined him in sleep

"It's late" she finally stirred telling him "Sam" she shook him saying, needing to be loosed from his grip "I need to go"

"No, go tomorrow" he pulled her closer telling her

"I have work tomorrow, I can't turn up in the same clothes" she giggled

"You wear a uniform" he giggled opening his eyes "Okay, I'll get you a cab" he finally lifted his head off the pillow telling her

"I'll meet it down the road" she ran off to the bathroom telling him, when she came out he was sitting dressed, waiting "Don't be nasty" she told him laughing

"I'll wash when I get back" he laughed "Come on let's get you home" they made their way out of the hotel lobby, Cedes sneaked out and was shocked when she opened the cab door to see Sam sitting there "I needed to make sure you got home safe" he told her, on the way home Sam was all for letting everyone know what they'd just done but Cedes was a bit more cautious, she lived in the area

"Shoot" she said as they pulled up "I left my cardigan in your room"

"You can get it tomorrow, it's the only evidence I have that you were ever there, and the sheets" he kissed her neck saying, Cedes looked at the cab driver she knew he was taking all of this in

"Tomorrow" she told him jumping out the cab and poking her head through the window, seconds later as she stood thinking about it she opened the cab door and lounged at him, kissing him full on the lips "Thank you"

"What for?" he asked shocked

"For making me feel I guess"

"Why, how do you feel?"

"Loved, totally loved" she smiled kissing him again before walking off, he sat watching her until she was safely inside the house before he asked the driver to carry on

That hadn't been the plan for tonight, Sam thought as he drove back to the hotel, but he liked the outcome, actually he could love the outcome, he didn't think her offer was anything when she'd first said it but after the night they'd shared, anything was possible. He got back to the hotel grabbed his guitar out his room and sat in the lobby strumming, there had to be a song for this night, he couldn't pencil it in as a random, this wasn't a random, he had some serious thinking to do, by the morning he'd got his plan

"Morning" he smiled as he looked up to see Cedes coming towards him, like a ray of a very bright sun

"Have you been to bed?" she asked smiling back

"I didn't realise the time, I've been putting my version of a song together, I'll sing it to you later"

She looked around to see who was around before she smiled and rubbed her hands together excitedly "I'd love that, a whole song for me"

"A version of a song, just for you" he smiled "And I stayed up all night to get it right" he flashed his shy look at her saying "Actually I didn't book breakfast" he widened his eyes telling her

"No problem, I'll get it to you" she smiled running off to get changed "Get that bath" she called back to him as she went, he laughed and left the lobby for his room 'It's just the thought of you, the very thought of you, my love' he hummed as he walked "I have a plan" he smiled more sure now than he was last night of what he wanted. Cedes brought his breakfast to him and they sat holding each other attached at the lips for a short while before she had to get to work, Head was onto her

Later that evening she sat on his bed as he sung his revised version of 'Just The Thought Of You' by Michael Buble to her "Cedes" he smiled when he finished putting his guitar down as he spoke "I wanted to ask you a question, a serious question, and take all the time you need to answer it, but I need an answer by the end of the day"

"What?" she smiled still reeling off the song "How's that all the time I need?" making him laugh before his face became serious

"I want to know if you'd do me the honour of becoming my wife?"

"What?" she jumped up off the bed asking

"Will you be my wife?" he asked again

"No" she snapped "We've known each other for less than two weeks, we've argued more than anything, you're white, I'm black and in case you forgot our worlds don't meet"

"Except in this room, in this bed and in out hearts, Cedes you can't tell me you're not feeling what I'm feeling?"

"Whatever we're feeling Sam, this is wrong" she rolled her eyes telling him

"Is it" he grabbed her arms asking "Look me in the eye and tell me what we feel for each other, what we shared last night, is wrong"

"Sam" she rolled her eyes and flopped on his bed saying looking at him for a while before she gave in and started humming the song he'd just sung to her 'I'm living in a kind of daydream, I'm happy as a queen, and foolish though it may seem to me that's everything' was she ever going to feel again how she felt last night, how she felt when he just sung that song to her, could she really look in his eyes and say no to all this emotion, feeling and need inside her "I can't look you in the eye and say that" she finally looked back at him saying

"I can look you in the eye and ask you again" he grabbed her hand saying "Will you marry me?"

"You're telling my grandparents" she laughed "Who are going to kill me just before they throw me out" he laughed at her prediction "I'm serious" she looked at him seriously telling him "Remember that first conversation we had, this is it, we're actually talking about leaving everything and everyone we know and love"

"For each other, that's different"

"You call it different I call it scary crazy, we'll have to face what the world throws at us together but alone are you ready for that?"

"I think the worlds going to have to face what we throw at them" he smiled "I'm willing to give everything up for you" he grabbed her hand telling her "Edward just did it for Miss Simpson"

"I'm no Miss Simpson" she laughed "But I am attracted to you, I guess I have feelings, strong feelings" she smiled

"Enough to say yes?"

"Enough" she smiled after looking at him for a long while "Yes, I'll marry you" she giggled shyly just before they shared a kiss "I have to go" she pulled away telling him "I'm working remember?"

"I can't wait, I've got a day left, I need to speak to your Grandparents and get this thing moving"

"Get what moving?"

"Getting married" he pulled her up off the bed telling her "We need to go tell them, and make plans"

Cedes made her excuses and left work in a cab with Sam frightened but excited about her new life choice, she didn't want to think about it anyway, she knew her history, he knew his, but the heart wants what the heart wants and that doesn't see, colour, class or even history, just that person standing in front of you "Hey" Sam pulled her out of her thoughts "I love you, we can do this" he told her as the cab pulled up at her house, she smiled and stepped out the cab waiting for him to pay before they stepped off to go tell her Grandparents

"I do too, I'm just having a hard time getting it out right now" she told him as they neared the house

They walked into the house, happy but reluctant humming 'It's just the thought of you, the very thought of you, my love' looking at each other as her Grandmother stopped what she was doing to look at them "Master Sam" she smiled walking towards him "What can we do for you?" she asked as her other daughters and their babies came in to see the unexpected visitor

"He's with me Grandma" Cedes told her smiling

"What you stepping out with white folk now?" she laughed

"He..."

"Mrs Douglas, I know you don't know me too well just now but I came to ask for Cedes..." he got out as he stood watching her Grandma's face change into rage

"Mercedes Jones, how dare you" she hissed, Cedes knew she was in trouble it was very rare her Grandma used her full name, never actually, she wanted to cry but she stood firm "Go fetch your Grandfather and Lettie go contact your sister tell her to get here now, tell her, her child's gone mad" Mercy rolled her eyes before looking at Sam, he gave her an uneasy smile before turning to talk to her Grandma again

"Mrs Douglas, Cedes and I have already had the conversation and well, she's said yes but we thought we'd ask for the blessing of the family" he stood with a flannel in his hand wiping sweat from his brow

"I couldn't possibly say anything, she's not my child, I bless nothing" she told him before she carried on doing what she'd been doing before they got there it was obvious she no longer wanted to carry on the conversation

"What do we do now?" Sam asked Cedes

"Wait for my parents to get here I suppose" she told him showing him a seat before going to the kitchen for cool drinks

"Just keep calm about it, they'll see we're serious if we don't get angry" he suggested as she came back to him with the drinks

"Okay" she smiled kissing his cheek, pulling away when she saw her Aunt's looking at them from the veranda