CHAPTER 1

"How long do you want the cuffs?"

"At least as long as I have the pants," Chandler joked, smirking.

There was a pause followed by a chuckle. "I just got that! Okay, now we'll do your inseam."

Chandler nodded, feeling his stomach rumble. Man, I could really go for a pizza right now, he thought hungrily. His mouth watered. Maybe Hawaiian? Or Meatlovers? Or-

His thoughts halted abruptly. What the hell was that? He glanced down. Frankie was... cupping his genitalia. What. The. Hell. Chandler moved backwards. "Um..." he said.

Frankie looked up. "Problem?" he asked, smiling in what Chandler might have interpreted to be a kind way had he not just been... fondled... by the man.

"Um, well, I... I... um... I have somewhere to be. Sorry."

He walked quickly towards the door, but found it bolted in place. He spun around, letting out a nervous laugh. "Hey, Frankie? Door's locked."

Frankie smiled but otherwise didn't respond. Chandler had his back pressed against the door. He didn't feel safe.

Frankie advanced towards him. "How would you like to... have some fun?" he asked softly.

Chandler's eyes widened briefly and he quickly shook his head. "I'm, arhh, not really a 'fun' kinda guy. Yep, that's me. Boringest guy on the planet. Definitely don't like fun. Anyway, I'm really gonna be late, so..."

Frankie grinned wolfishly and Chandler felt his stomach flip. He certainly wasn't hungry now. Frankie undid his belt and came closer.

F•R•I•E•N•D•S

"Look, Rach, I've been with my share of women. In fact," Joey added, grinning, "I've been with a lot of people's share of women." He paused and Rachel waited patiently for him to get back to the point. After a moment he shook his head, as if to scatter those thoughts. "Look, all I'm saying is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you."

"Really?" Rachel's eyes were watering now.

"Well... do you really think I should talk to him then, Joe?"

Joey squeezed her hand. "I really do," he said firmly.

"Okay, then I'll-" she broke off as Ross came back out of the bedroom.

"You'll what?" he asked, completely oblivious to the content of their conversation.

"Hey, how'd it go in there?" Joey asked quickly, and Rachel shot him a grateful glance. If Ross noticed, he didn't comment.

"Not too good," he said, pretending to be grave. "She's in dire state. Her hair could be on its deathbed. It's looking like she's going to have to..." he paused, swallowed, looked around and lowered his voice to a whisper. "... get a wig."

"Oh!" Joey gasped, hand over his mouth. "That's terrible!"

Rachel smiled at Ross, thinking that he had a great sense of humour and wondering how she'd never managed to look at him this way before in all the years they'd known each other.

"Hey, guys," Phoebe called, yanking Rachel from her thoughts. "Monica's coming out now."

Everyone turned to watch. The brunette walked out of her room with her head down, clearly embarrassed. They all stared at her in shock for a moment. She looked like a boy!

"Hey, it looks great, Mon!" Ross said quickly, and the silence was broken as the others all enthusiastically joined in.

But Monica wasn't fooled. "I look hideous," she sobbed, and Rachel got up and wrapped her arms around her.

"Oh, honey, it'll grow back out."

Monica sniffed, nodding. She looked around and said, "I don't hear any mocking jokes. Where's Chandler?"

"Getting a suit fitted," Joey told her, then looked at the clock. "Hey, it's 4," he said, confused.

Ross laughed. "Yeah, Joe, it is. What's so confusing about that?"

"Chandler shoulda been back by now. It doesn't take 5 hours to fit a suit!"