warning for slight homophobia

for amber, because i thought you might like it?

for take a prompt, leave a prompt, using character: kevin

word count: 1007 by google docs

You first realise that something's wrong inside of you when you're ten years old, sitting in the playground with your best friend, Archie Andrews. You had asked Archie to tell you what a crush felt like, after you had heard some other boys talking about crushes on the playground. Archie's describing this blissful feeling inside of him, wanting to spend his entire life with just one girl, and be happy with them forever, how you wanted to hold their hand, and maybe even kiss them.

You ask him if you can only have crushes on girls. He looks at you like you're crazy.

You ask him if he has a crush. He smiles, says maybe, and asks you the same thing. You lie and say no.

It's not a crush, after all, if you feel like that towards a boy.

You first hear the word 'gay' a year later, after hugging Archie. You guys are both in the playground, again, and he's been telling you about the fights his parents are getting into and how he's scared. You give him a hug—it's what your mom does to you whenever you feel upset or scared about something.

You're with Betty this time and she's the one who stands up for you, fists balled, when Reggie sees you hug Archie and calls you gay. She shouts at him and tells him that, no, you're not gay, that you and Betty are actually dating. You don't really like that idea—Betty's a friend to you, that's all.

Reggie taunts you and Betty, calling her bluff, so she grabs your face and kisses, it hard.

Your first kiss.

You don't like it.

After Reggie leaves, still laughing, you ask Betty and Archie what gay even means. Betty tells you that it means a boy that likes another boy.

You're not sure if the disgust in her voice is from Reggie or the thought of two boys dating.

You just nod and don't say anything.

The first time your heart is broken is the next year, when Archie walks over to you, face shining, and tells you a secret that nobody else knows: he kissed Betty.

He tells you that he kissed Betty, and he liked it, that Betty's lips were so soft and 'Oh my god, Kev, she's so pretty and nice.'

He tells you that he'd like to marry her, someday, and that's the moment that your heart breaks. You knew there was never a chance that Archie was—was like you, but you still harbored that tiny crush for Archie Andrews, Riverdale's resident ginger. Hearing him say that he wanted to marry Betty—a girl—destroys any hope of a relationship for the two of you.

You still smile, though, for Archie and his crush.

If you can't be more, at least you're still his friend.

You come out the next year, and you really don't like the look on Archie's face. He looks almost disgusted with you, and you're not sure what to do. For years, Archie's friendship meant the world to you, and you really don't want to give that up.

He quickly asks you if you had a crush on him and you lie to him, saying that no, you never did. He nods, slowly coming to terms with you. You ask him if the two of you can still be friends, and he says yes, of course, but something about it seems forced.

Betty takes it better than Archie, wiping the tears away from your face and telling you that there's nothing wrong with you. She thinks you're crying because of your sexuality, but you're actually crying because you're scared to death of losing Archie as a friend.

You really want one of your mom's comforting hugs, so you go home, but it's just your dad there, his hair a mess, tears on his face.

He tells you what happened to your mother—a drunk driver, hitting her out of nowhere. She didn't make it, the bleeding too much. You vow, in the back of your mind, to never drink, not wanting anyone else to feel how you feel, as if your insides are on fire.

Your dad hugs you, but the hug isn't the same.

You cry more.

You lose a friend the next year. You and Archie are in the playground the two of you had gone to since you had started first grade together. It's your last year in middle school, your last year of being in the school campus next to the playground.

The two of you are talking and it feels like old times, unlike how it felt for the past year, you're relationship strained because of you being gay. You honestly don't care if you need to strain your relationship—Archie is your best friend, and that's all you want from him. You've given up on your crush.

Archie is ranting to you about Betty—she seems like she doesn't like him anymore, how he feels like he'll never be able to date her. He says that he should probably just give up on his crush on her. He turns to you and asks you for advice and, looking in his eyes, you feel something for him. Again.

You don't reply to his question. Instead, you lean forward and press your lips onto his. He doesn't pull back for a full five seconds, and you treasure those five seconds, until he pulls away, anger on his face.

He asks you what the hell that was and walks away without letting you give an answer.

He doesn't talk to you for the next year. You still pass each other in the hall, being civil with each other, but except for Betty occasionally making the two of you hang out, you don't spend any time together.

You feel sad, but you give it up. There was no chance in the first place, anyway. It was all just a silly crush.

The next year, you start having another crush on him because, wow, Archie got hot.

You hate him.