Sirius Black, Lord of Harrenhal

The veil is a one way door to hell but sometimes, the Grim Reaper might give you a second chance. At least to those who are remarkable in a doggedly grim sort of way. Sirius Black happens to be dog with a grim outlook. So, he gets a second chance. He gets to live as the bastard of Winterfell who graduates to become the Lord of Harrenhal.

Through the Veil

My name is Sirius Black, marauder extraordinaire, uncrowned playboy of Hogwarts, heart breaker of the year and the only man ever to escape azkaban by himself. As I fell through the Veil of Death, because of my own stupidity I should add, I could not help but reflect on the life I lead.

My life had started well, very well. Sure the Black family was a bit nuts, but again we are all a bit nuts, are we not? I fucked my way through Hogwarts. Not as in fucked my professors for good grades but more like bribed them for grades while fucked any and every willing bitch I could find. No wonder my animagus form is that of a dog – a giant fucking dog which looked more like a Grim. The point is, I was the DOG of Hogwarts.

But, where am I going with this? Hogwarts was somehow the end of my good fortunes. The woman I loved but never got beyond "friends" stage (she hated my womanizing ways) married my best friend (despite my best attempt to break them apart. Pouring paint over Lily and blaming James did not break their romance. Impossible I say. If the situation has been different – had I poured (or been blamed of it) a bucket of paint over my current girl, she would have bitch-slapped me and be gone. Lily and James were just too much in love. Then, they had a kid who was prophecized to defeat the dark lord. Big problem. I became the kid's godfather, swore to protect him and then failed. Just like I failed to protect the woman I loved.

The end result? Lily and James dead courtesy of that sniveling rat and dear old Moldy-Voldy. Little Harry shipped off to Druzkaban, horrible excuse of family ever. And yours truly took a 14 year vacation in Azkaban.

Azkaban turned me into a dog. Completely. Well, more like a grim. An angry, thoughtless grim whose only thought was to kill the rat and moldy-voldy. Then I escaped. The kid had grown up well despite Druzkaban. Then Moldy-Voldy came back with a vengeance.

Finally, I get thrown into the veil of death. How? Well the thing is I was fighting my cousin Bella. Actually, let me rewind a bit.

The bastard Voldemort wanted the shit-for-brains prophecy and for that, he lured my godson into Department of Mysteries where a bunch of death eaters were waiting for him. Like the valiant Godfather that I am, myself and a few other went to rescue my hot-headed, foolish dogson. Long story short, I engaged my cousin Bella in a duel.

Me and Bella, we had a history all the way back to childhood. She was nuts, I was a bit crazy. When I declared myself as not-pureblood supremicst at ripe old age of 11, a 15 year old Bella decided to tan my hide. Unfortunately, she did not take into account that even at the age of 11, I was already a hellraiser and somewhat of a basketcase.

All of us Blacks lived in Black Manor during those days and one of the features was that using magic, offensive magic in particular was prohibited by the wards. So, she decided to physically beat me up. By then, I had spent a whole year in Hogwarts and gotten some valuable experience when it came to fist fights. Now, that does not mean I won the fight against her. Not by long shot. It just meant that I did not go down easy. I gave her a plenty of bruises, black eyes but eventually she had me down and well, I came to hate leather belts that day. BUT, I did something I shall never ever, ever, ever regret. I kissed her full, right on her lips. Complete with tongue and everything. I had overheard her talking with Andy about not having kissed anyone and as such, I stole her first kiss. High five! Her first kiss, my first kiss!

Ever since, the bitch hated me. And she continued to remind me every summer. The bitch managed to curcumvent the whole "You can't curse each other" rule of Black manor by convincing grand pa Arctrus that I need to be trained in offensive magics. Let me tell you, Bellatrix is unbeatable with a wand. However, despite all her torturous training session, I never did regret stealing her first kiss. The unfortunate truth is that, it was the best damn kiss I ever had.

Of course, lets not forget my get even attempt for those training session. I stunned her husband Rabastan Lestrange on their wedding night and well, a bit of polyjuice meant I had the time of my life. She had the time of her life too – there is a reason why all women love me so much!. Thing is, I ended up staying with her until the morning and she found out it was me who fucked her, not her husband. Here is the kicker: Magical marriage should be consummated that very night or else, the bond won't held. She knew that, I knew that and well, that was the very exactly why I did what I did.

She was going to kill me that very morning. Oh she was, except for the fact that I had hidden her wand. I gloated for a bit and said, "Bella, lets keep this our dirty little secret, eh? If your husband were to every find out, your marriage be gone like dust in the wind. You would be Bellatrix-the-cheater who got divorced in her first night. Kind of like a honourless mudblood."

"You bastard you ruined me!", she shrieked like a harpy.

"Hey, don't blame me. You started this when you were beating me black 'n blue as kids. And when you joined the death-eaters. And when you had our parents disinherit Andy. Tit-for-tat bitch."

Bella was a fiery volcano but could maintain a calm head when needed, "Rabastan knows he didn't consummated our marriage. This little secret you say, is not going to last. After that happens, I am going to kill you, you filthy bastard."

"Are you a witch or not Bella? Memory charm him or imperio him or use that slave ritual on him."

"Slave ritual?"

"You wanted to make some muggles your slave didn't you? You always talked about how a proper witch should have a bunch of muggle slaves? Use that ritual on your husband!"

"Bastard – that ritual should not be used on a wizard. If I use that ritual on a wizard, I can never make a muggle my slave."

"Exactly. I don't want any muggle to be your slave. See? I am protecting the muggles by committing the worst crime of all."

"What crime?"

"INCEST BITCH"

"Very funny Sirius. I suppose you are a Black after all."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"You are just as insane as all of us Black" and she cackled.

"Bitch"

"DOG"

"Bitch"

"DOG"

"Let's just get started", I was forced to cut our back 'n forth short. I was supposed to watch Harry today. Lily and James were plannng a romantic outing. My best friend is taking the woman I love out for a good time while I bicker with my hated cousin, who I had just fucked. Fuck my life.

Making a face, she remarked, "So, if I am to do this ritual, I will make both Rabastan and his brother Rodolphus my slave."

"Both of them? Aren't you shooting a bit too high Bella?"

"Shut up. Rody will know something is different with Rabastan just like that. And that particular ritual, you can do it only once every 7 years BUT, there is not limit on how many slaves you can tie to yourself when you do it."

"Humm – fair enough. We will do it right now."

"Right now? Neither of them are here you moron!"

Sheepishly, I replied, "Ehh, about that. I stashed them both inside that closet. You know, tied them up, sealed their mouth shut and all that."

"They listened to us fucking the whole bloody night, you bastard?"

"Well Bella, had you turned out to be a shitty fuck, I was planning to leave and let you deal with the consequence." - rather evil of me but again I was never a paragon of virtue. HaHaha.

She just slapped me like before and stomped off to the closet. The brothers Lestranges were exactly where I had stashed them, wide awake. Angry. Afraid. Angry.

Bella, true to her character got angry. Very, very angry. She was smart enough to know that she could not let them go free, not after what we had done, what we had planned. She stomped towards me and tried to slap me again.

Instead, I caught her hands and, "Bella, Bella, what is done, is already done. Their fate is sealed. I know you don't love that pig, why the fuck are you angry? It's not like you did not enjoy fucking the whole night."

"So what? You tricked me!"

"I am not tricking you now", I used my low, come, lets fuck voice.

"Ahh, what the hell. We already fucked, lets fuck some more and then I get my slaves. But, you are going to help Cissy enslave Lucius or I will chop your bollocks off".

"Fine bitch. Lets fuck."

See, if that was the whole story, Bella might not have hated me completely. I mean she did get a pair of loyal, powerful slaves courtesy of yours truly. But, I sabotaged the ritual. More like tricked her to include another ritual in it. I made it so that she could never receive sexual gratification from another wizard ever again. Or witch for that matter.

Then, I rubbed it to her face. "Bella, Bella – you will have to fuck muggles from now on. No wizard other than me will ever make you orgasm. If you want to feel as good as you did last night, you have to either fuck me or some muggle. And willing, un-imperioused muggles at that. Also, the more you kill, harder it will for you to orgasm. Up yours you pureblooded, death-eater maniac!"

No wonder she hated me with a passion.

During our duel, I rubbed it in her face. "Bella, how long has it been since you had an orgasm? You don't know how to talk to a muggle, so no fucking there. Wizard can't gratify you I made sure of that. Dry season, huh?"

With a demented grin, she replied, "Ever wondered why the Longbottom's were crucioed to hell 'n back? Ever wondered why there are so many cruciatus victims? It is thanks to you Sirius. Hahahaha"

Then she threw a banisher powerful enough to break my shield AND shot me straight through the Veil of death. Ahh fuck. The DOG is dead. Grim reaper comes for everyone I guess.

I did help Cissy enslave Lucius though. Swarmy bastard is Cissa's bitch.

I was falling and falling. Cursing Bella. Cursing myself. Cursing my dick. Cursing fate. Then it happened. The grim reaper himself stopped my fall.

"Sirius Black. Degenerate extraordinaire. I have watched you. I have observed your antics."

Fearful that I would be consigned to hell for everything I had done (I did not do anything evil right? Sleeping around wasn't a crime when I last checked. Immoral maybe but who cares about that? The thing with Bella was about getting even), "And? What have you thought of me?"

"You are funny. Your antics have given us much laughter. The caretakers of hell and heaven, both have appreciated what your activities."

"They do?"

"Oh, very much so. The way you muzzled Bellatrix and her two slaves, it stopped a lot of pointless death. Do you know what that meant?"

"Less work for you my skeletal friend?", I was finally getting my humor back.

"Exactly. The more you mortals kill each other, the more we have to work. I am forced to ferry everyone around, the caretakers have to judge them. You see, we all have to do overtime. And God, he does not pay overtime. Something about duty."

"yes, yes. They make us do hard work in the name of duty but no payment. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

"Correct. And that is where you have proven so useful."

"Even if I have caused Bella to go nuts and crucio everyone to insanity?", I asked feeling guilty on behalf of the Longbottoms.

With a shrug, he replied, "If they were dead, we would have to process them. If they were alive and kicking, they might have potentially killed someone, thus increasing our work. Since they have been crucioed to insanity, well they can't really do jackshit now, can they?"

"So send me back. I can be useful there you see? My actions did not really have bad consequence for you. I have to be there for my godson. Please send me back", I pleaded despite my general nature of not pleading to anyone.

"Unfortunately, I can't do that. Your mortal body is gone."

Angry, I shouted (never said I was very smart), "THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE WE TALKING?"

"Quiet down you fool! I am not deaf."

"Sorry", I snarked.

"See, we have made a deal with entities from another world. We are sending you to somewhere else, there you will continue doing what you do best."

"And what about my godson? He needs me. I owe it to Lily and James."

"Of course you do. James finally found out how much you wanted to fuck lily. Both of them found about the naked photos of lily you kept hidden in your trunk"

"WHAT? THEY ARE IN MY GRINGOTTS VAULT!"

"There is no hiding from the dead Blackie. Oh, and your will reading will be soon. That means your godson will see those pictures."

"Oh merlin, what will he think of me?"

"Don't worry Black, we can work things in your favor. Agree to our deal and we shall make sure he will live happily WITHOUT hating you."

"Tell me how you will do so and we will go from there."

"Your godson has been a bit of a wimp. All he needs is a beautiful woman to bring him in shape. Your cousin, Nymphodora Tonks is perfect for him. We will set them up BEFORE the will reading. She is kinky, a bit like you and well, Lily's naked picture - let's just say she will make Harry appreciate his Mommy really good."

All I could say was, "Oh no no – my god son will become a pervert!" A pervert just like me, I internally cursed.

Death snapped, "Better a happy pervert then a dead hero. He dies, my work lord increase a thousand fold. Damn fool is supposed to save the world."

"Deal! Deal! Set my cousin and godson. Make sure they are happy and well provided. Make sure they both live a long life. I will do anything. Everything". Truth be told, Nymphie had a crush on Remus and well, the wolf was no good for her. Stupid looser. Harry and Tonksie would suite each other. Perky Auror and Serious Hero. Hah. Serious Hero. The boy will be a proper heir for Serious Black. Pervert Black. The bastard did tell he was going to appreciate Lily with some help from Nymphie. I had already committed incest and well, my godson would be doing a bit of pseudo-incest. Good enough to be my heir in every which way possible. The second coming of Serious Black.

"You don't have to worry Sirius Black. You will enjoy this adventure. There will be danger but you will still have a bit of your magic, so it will not be much hard"

"A bit of my magic? Only a bit? I am a fucking wizard you ignorant fool. What would I be without my magic?"

"That is the deal Blackie, take it or leave it."

Why do those with power have to be such utter and complete bastard? Wait. Wait. I know the answer. It is 'cause they can. Simple as that. Time to do some grovelling.

"What exactly does a bit of magic mean?"

"Think of it as you having a few magical abilities, just like a house elf or a centuar."

"A fucking centuar? The only part of centuar I envy is their horse size dick. I had to do undergo some painful ritual to get my 12". Don't compare me to those star gazing idiots."

"You are a piece of work Black, aren't you? As I said, we will give you some abilities. Namely, leglimency, capability to cast a few charms like flame freezing, strengthning and so on. BUT no transfugration, no dark arts."

"I should be at least able to use contraceptive charms. You don't want me to die of veneral disease and haunt you? Ever seen a man die of gonorrehea? Nasty disease."

"Aghh – I am the grim reaper, remember? Fine, you will be able to use those contraceptive and healing charm. LIMITED healing charms I said."

"Wandless right?"

"Yeah. Wandless. Can't have the locals kill you for the hell of it. They will try to kill you for fucking their wives anyway."

"Bah – let 'em try. Their wives will NOT let them kill me. I am Sirius Black the great."

"Oh yeah? You will probably fuck your own cousin and she will kill you. Dumb shit."

Now that was a sore topic. "Why do you have to remind be of that? Just so you know, I have absolutely no regrets about fucking Bella. None, you hear me?"

"yeah yeah, I am sending you now. You are not my problem any more. GET LOST BLACK"

And the I started to fall.

Fall.

Fall.

Until I heard a beautiful red head with a rather ugly expression (not like Lily, she never had an ugly face no matter how angry. At least towards me anyway) shout, "Bastard, what do you think you are doing sitting in the high table?"

And she threw a bowl of hot stew my way. Ahh fuck. Did I already fuck this bitch? A hell. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. I gotta run.