One Second to Watch Out
"One second to watch out, your whole life if you eat it. . ." -from the song "Samba/Bomber: Akuma No Mi" lyrics and translation from the site "Destination: Paradise"
Chapter 1: The Most Beautiful Woman in the World
"Have you seen this boy?"
I held out the paper to my fellow pirate captain. We had pulled into port for a while, the perfect opportunity to connect with the loose network of rumor and information that stretches across the seas. Normally I wouldn't deign to come into a common tavern-- they're filthy, louse-ridden places that no self-respecting crewmember of mine would frequent. The fact that they my entire crew takes off for the bars anyway the moment we drop anchor leads me to conclude that they simply have no self-respect.
The men had all turned to gape at me the moment I came in the door, of course. Obviously, it wasn't often a beautiful woman came into a hole like this, let alone the most beautiful woman in the world. I basked in their attention. Let them look. And if one of them tries anything more, well, I always carry my mace, and I do mean mace.
You've no doubt heard of me. Who hasn't heard of Lady Alvida? And you're probably wondering why I would be in such a place, instead of in some much more appropriate position, say, lounging on silken cushions being fed grapes by yummy servant boys. Well, I'll tell you. Until recently, my mighty mace had never let me down in battle. No one had laid a finger on me. But that boy. . . that odd rubber boy who claimed to be the future king of pirates, he shrugged off my mace as though it were nothing, and dealt me the first blow I had ever felt on my porcelain cheek. I could still feel it stinging, in my mind.
I wanted to find that boy. Find him and. . . I don't know what. Half of me wants to see him dead, the other half wants to make love to him. I really don't know. But it's a moot point unless I can get my hands on him, and that's why I was in this bar, showing a mug shot to a piggish little man who thought a big feathered hat made him impressive.
The smelly ruffian looked at my sketch. "Can't remember. We've only been docked here a week or so."
"If he's been here, it would have been recently."
"Huh. Say, why should I help ya, anyway? I mean, what are ya offerin'?"
Obviously, this little twerp was the last in a long line of men trying to get into my pants. Oh, they never come right out and say it, but they insinuate it, subtly, giving hints that sounded like they could mean something else entirely unless you're sensitive to the underlying lust. And I've grown tired of it.
A quick swing of the mace split the table in two. "How DARE you?" I shouted at him. "No hand of mortal man, let alone a maggot like you, is fit to touch the body of one divine as I am!" I must admit, I look great when I'm angry.
As they all do, he made an incredulous, almost disgusted face. As though he hadn't been thinking of that at all. They're all so transparent, it's pathetic.
"Hey, hey now!" It was a burly marine. "If you want to fight, take it out on the open sea! Here's no place for it!"
"There's no fight, sir. The lady merely misunderstood me." The swine chuckled nervously. "Haven't introduced meself. I'm Captain Puppu. Have a seat."
"I'm Lady Alvida and I prefer to stand." I wouldn't want to soil my clothes touching a surface in this place. Besides, I find that most chairs are strangely flimsy.
I looked around. That naval officer wasn't alone. They were all over the bar, some of them even drinking with pirates, laughing! "What's with all the Marines?" I asked Puppu.
"Bit of a celebration, you might say." Puppu smiled. "In honor of ol' Axehand Morgan's reign of terror endin'. He was a real bigshot at the local naval base, murder on us but such a beast his own men hated him as well. Pirate and Marine alike, we're all glad to see the last of him. That's one thing we can drink to together."
"You don't say." So that was it. Local politics bore me, and I certainly don't care about some Marine officer. I haven't met the one that stood up to the mace.
"Yeah, it was pretty excitin'. This bounty hunter was all tied up at the base fer killin' Morgan's brat's dogs. So this weird guy who they say could stretch like rubber just shows up outta nowhere and decides to save him, right? The way I heard it--"
"What?" I grabbed him by the collar in mid-sentence and lifted him up. "A boy who stretched like rubber? Where is he now?"
"H-he sailed off days ago! Don't know which direction. It was just him and the bounty hunter."
"Damn!" I dropped the little turd. "He could be anywhere!"
"Well, rumor has it he was sayin' somethin' about becoming king of pirates-- "
"Yes! That's the boy!"
"--so logically-like, he must be sailin' off to the Grand Line. They all do, sooner or later. I've been thinkin' of headin' out that way meself."
"The Grand Line, hmm?" It did make sense. Just about every pirate with an overgrown ego showed up there eventually. And it was as good a lead to follow as any.
"Now, I hope ya aren't thinkin' of headin' that way yerself. It's no place for a lady, huh? Ya'll get massacred!"
Not just a pig, but a sexist pig. "It's no place for a little oinker with delusions of grandeur, either." I noted pointedly.
"Hey, me crew can give as good as we get." He smiled, showing jagged teeth. "Plus, I got me secret weapon." He winked. "Ever heard of the Demon's Fruit?"
"The fruit that gives you special powers, at the cost of being able to swim? Yes. . . that's how the rubber boy, Luffy, got his abilities, right?"
"That's what I mean, and I've got one meself."
"Reeeeeally." This was interesting. Obviously celebration and proximity to a magnificent creature like me were loosening his tongue.
"Yeah, got it on me ship under armed guard. Called a Subesube fruit. Makes ya real slippery. Stuff just slides off ya, can't get cuts or scars neither."
The power to never again worry about some ruffian's stray blade nicking my perfectly smooth and creamy skin? This was even more interesting.
"You wouldn't be interested in selling it?" I asked.
"Naww, I been thinking about it, but more likely I'll just eat it. The life of a warrior on the sea, crossing swords, that's the life for me. More important than money. 'Sides, ya couldn't afford it unless yer REALLY loaded."
"Well, you can't blame a lady for trying." I gave him my friendliest smile.
I'll save you the bloody details of what happened sometime later, out at sea. Long descriptions of carnage are so terribly vulgar. Suffice it to say, I met up with Puppu again, somewhere where there were no Marines around, and when our meeting was over I had the Subesube fruit and a good deal of the rest of his property as well. But don't feel too bad for him. He DID say that crossing swords was more important to him than money, right? And I'm sure his legs have healed by now.
So that's how I ended up in my quarters, looking down at an apple-sized green fruit and wondering exactly what would happen after I'd eaten it.
I bit into it. It tasted vaguely bitter and unpleasant, almost oily. Not at all fit for my refined palate. But I steeled myself to finish the whole thing, licking every last drop of greasy juice off my lips.
There was a sudden loud pop, as of an inrush of air, and I felt suddenly disoriented. The room was the same, I was sure of it, and yet it looked smaller somehow. My clothes suddenly felt very loose, as well, as though I was wearing a tent. I looked down at myself. That was odd. I could see my feet now. Obviously, the fruit had had at least one side effect-- it had improved my vision.
"Lady Alvida!" My first mate appeared in the doorway. "Lady Alvida, what was that noise -- urk!" And he just stood there, staring and turning red.
"Who. . . ARE. . . you?" he managed after a moment.
"What do you mean, who am I?" I asked crossly. "I am your captain!"
"L-lady Alvida?" he stammered. "But. . . but you're beautiful!"
"Of course."
"I mean you're really beautiful!"
"Your enthusiam is appreciated, but right now I'm looking for any changes the Subesube fruit might have caused." I turned to examine myself in one of my many mirrors and was stunned by what I saw.
My freckles were gone!
No wonder he couldn't recognize me. My freckles had been one of my most gorgeous features. Of course, I was equally stunning without them. And I suppose it is nice to change one's look now and then.
That evening, dressed in some newly tailored clothes, I addressed my crew.
"Who is the most beautiful woman in the world?" I cried.
"YOU ARE, LADY ALVIDA!" was the roared response. They were all much more enthusiastic about it now, I noticed. I didn't even have to get out my mace. Their eyesight must have been improved as well, somehow.
"Behold the power of the Subesube fruit!" I declared, and bared my exquisite midriff. "First mate, plunge the blade in!"
The crew gasped in horror as the blade flashed towards my abdomen, and then gasped once more in surprise as it was turned away by the power than made anything, anything at all, slide off one's skin.
"And that's not the only new power in my arsenal! Subesube spur!" Removing my sandals, I jumped in the air and landed on an inclined section of the deck, intending to slide down it gracefully.
Instead, my legs shot out from under me and I landed on my divinely sculptured rear end. It's a good thing I look stunning even in disarray, or it would have been rather embarrassing. Instead, I threw back my head and laughed.
It would take a while to master this power, obviously. But master it I would, and once I did I'd be a match for my little rubber boy. Oh yes. . .One day, he would be mine, to love or to destroy.
I'm still searching, but one day, I WILL have him at my mercy. And when I do, I'll . . . well, I still haven't decided.
End of Chapter 1
"One second to watch out, your whole life if you eat it. . ." -from the song "Samba/Bomber: Akuma No Mi" lyrics and translation from the site "Destination: Paradise"
Chapter 1: The Most Beautiful Woman in the World
"Have you seen this boy?"
I held out the paper to my fellow pirate captain. We had pulled into port for a while, the perfect opportunity to connect with the loose network of rumor and information that stretches across the seas. Normally I wouldn't deign to come into a common tavern-- they're filthy, louse-ridden places that no self-respecting crewmember of mine would frequent. The fact that they my entire crew takes off for the bars anyway the moment we drop anchor leads me to conclude that they simply have no self-respect.
The men had all turned to gape at me the moment I came in the door, of course. Obviously, it wasn't often a beautiful woman came into a hole like this, let alone the most beautiful woman in the world. I basked in their attention. Let them look. And if one of them tries anything more, well, I always carry my mace, and I do mean mace.
You've no doubt heard of me. Who hasn't heard of Lady Alvida? And you're probably wondering why I would be in such a place, instead of in some much more appropriate position, say, lounging on silken cushions being fed grapes by yummy servant boys. Well, I'll tell you. Until recently, my mighty mace had never let me down in battle. No one had laid a finger on me. But that boy. . . that odd rubber boy who claimed to be the future king of pirates, he shrugged off my mace as though it were nothing, and dealt me the first blow I had ever felt on my porcelain cheek. I could still feel it stinging, in my mind.
I wanted to find that boy. Find him and. . . I don't know what. Half of me wants to see him dead, the other half wants to make love to him. I really don't know. But it's a moot point unless I can get my hands on him, and that's why I was in this bar, showing a mug shot to a piggish little man who thought a big feathered hat made him impressive.
The smelly ruffian looked at my sketch. "Can't remember. We've only been docked here a week or so."
"If he's been here, it would have been recently."
"Huh. Say, why should I help ya, anyway? I mean, what are ya offerin'?"
Obviously, this little twerp was the last in a long line of men trying to get into my pants. Oh, they never come right out and say it, but they insinuate it, subtly, giving hints that sounded like they could mean something else entirely unless you're sensitive to the underlying lust. And I've grown tired of it.
A quick swing of the mace split the table in two. "How DARE you?" I shouted at him. "No hand of mortal man, let alone a maggot like you, is fit to touch the body of one divine as I am!" I must admit, I look great when I'm angry.
As they all do, he made an incredulous, almost disgusted face. As though he hadn't been thinking of that at all. They're all so transparent, it's pathetic.
"Hey, hey now!" It was a burly marine. "If you want to fight, take it out on the open sea! Here's no place for it!"
"There's no fight, sir. The lady merely misunderstood me." The swine chuckled nervously. "Haven't introduced meself. I'm Captain Puppu. Have a seat."
"I'm Lady Alvida and I prefer to stand." I wouldn't want to soil my clothes touching a surface in this place. Besides, I find that most chairs are strangely flimsy.
I looked around. That naval officer wasn't alone. They were all over the bar, some of them even drinking with pirates, laughing! "What's with all the Marines?" I asked Puppu.
"Bit of a celebration, you might say." Puppu smiled. "In honor of ol' Axehand Morgan's reign of terror endin'. He was a real bigshot at the local naval base, murder on us but such a beast his own men hated him as well. Pirate and Marine alike, we're all glad to see the last of him. That's one thing we can drink to together."
"You don't say." So that was it. Local politics bore me, and I certainly don't care about some Marine officer. I haven't met the one that stood up to the mace.
"Yeah, it was pretty excitin'. This bounty hunter was all tied up at the base fer killin' Morgan's brat's dogs. So this weird guy who they say could stretch like rubber just shows up outta nowhere and decides to save him, right? The way I heard it--"
"What?" I grabbed him by the collar in mid-sentence and lifted him up. "A boy who stretched like rubber? Where is he now?"
"H-he sailed off days ago! Don't know which direction. It was just him and the bounty hunter."
"Damn!" I dropped the little turd. "He could be anywhere!"
"Well, rumor has it he was sayin' somethin' about becoming king of pirates-- "
"Yes! That's the boy!"
"--so logically-like, he must be sailin' off to the Grand Line. They all do, sooner or later. I've been thinkin' of headin' out that way meself."
"The Grand Line, hmm?" It did make sense. Just about every pirate with an overgrown ego showed up there eventually. And it was as good a lead to follow as any.
"Now, I hope ya aren't thinkin' of headin' that way yerself. It's no place for a lady, huh? Ya'll get massacred!"
Not just a pig, but a sexist pig. "It's no place for a little oinker with delusions of grandeur, either." I noted pointedly.
"Hey, me crew can give as good as we get." He smiled, showing jagged teeth. "Plus, I got me secret weapon." He winked. "Ever heard of the Demon's Fruit?"
"The fruit that gives you special powers, at the cost of being able to swim? Yes. . . that's how the rubber boy, Luffy, got his abilities, right?"
"That's what I mean, and I've got one meself."
"Reeeeeally." This was interesting. Obviously celebration and proximity to a magnificent creature like me were loosening his tongue.
"Yeah, got it on me ship under armed guard. Called a Subesube fruit. Makes ya real slippery. Stuff just slides off ya, can't get cuts or scars neither."
The power to never again worry about some ruffian's stray blade nicking my perfectly smooth and creamy skin? This was even more interesting.
"You wouldn't be interested in selling it?" I asked.
"Naww, I been thinking about it, but more likely I'll just eat it. The life of a warrior on the sea, crossing swords, that's the life for me. More important than money. 'Sides, ya couldn't afford it unless yer REALLY loaded."
"Well, you can't blame a lady for trying." I gave him my friendliest smile.
I'll save you the bloody details of what happened sometime later, out at sea. Long descriptions of carnage are so terribly vulgar. Suffice it to say, I met up with Puppu again, somewhere where there were no Marines around, and when our meeting was over I had the Subesube fruit and a good deal of the rest of his property as well. But don't feel too bad for him. He DID say that crossing swords was more important to him than money, right? And I'm sure his legs have healed by now.
So that's how I ended up in my quarters, looking down at an apple-sized green fruit and wondering exactly what would happen after I'd eaten it.
I bit into it. It tasted vaguely bitter and unpleasant, almost oily. Not at all fit for my refined palate. But I steeled myself to finish the whole thing, licking every last drop of greasy juice off my lips.
There was a sudden loud pop, as of an inrush of air, and I felt suddenly disoriented. The room was the same, I was sure of it, and yet it looked smaller somehow. My clothes suddenly felt very loose, as well, as though I was wearing a tent. I looked down at myself. That was odd. I could see my feet now. Obviously, the fruit had had at least one side effect-- it had improved my vision.
"Lady Alvida!" My first mate appeared in the doorway. "Lady Alvida, what was that noise -- urk!" And he just stood there, staring and turning red.
"Who. . . ARE. . . you?" he managed after a moment.
"What do you mean, who am I?" I asked crossly. "I am your captain!"
"L-lady Alvida?" he stammered. "But. . . but you're beautiful!"
"Of course."
"I mean you're really beautiful!"
"Your enthusiam is appreciated, but right now I'm looking for any changes the Subesube fruit might have caused." I turned to examine myself in one of my many mirrors and was stunned by what I saw.
My freckles were gone!
No wonder he couldn't recognize me. My freckles had been one of my most gorgeous features. Of course, I was equally stunning without them. And I suppose it is nice to change one's look now and then.
That evening, dressed in some newly tailored clothes, I addressed my crew.
"Who is the most beautiful woman in the world?" I cried.
"YOU ARE, LADY ALVIDA!" was the roared response. They were all much more enthusiastic about it now, I noticed. I didn't even have to get out my mace. Their eyesight must have been improved as well, somehow.
"Behold the power of the Subesube fruit!" I declared, and bared my exquisite midriff. "First mate, plunge the blade in!"
The crew gasped in horror as the blade flashed towards my abdomen, and then gasped once more in surprise as it was turned away by the power than made anything, anything at all, slide off one's skin.
"And that's not the only new power in my arsenal! Subesube spur!" Removing my sandals, I jumped in the air and landed on an inclined section of the deck, intending to slide down it gracefully.
Instead, my legs shot out from under me and I landed on my divinely sculptured rear end. It's a good thing I look stunning even in disarray, or it would have been rather embarrassing. Instead, I threw back my head and laughed.
It would take a while to master this power, obviously. But master it I would, and once I did I'd be a match for my little rubber boy. Oh yes. . .One day, he would be mine, to love or to destroy.
I'm still searching, but one day, I WILL have him at my mercy. And when I do, I'll . . . well, I still haven't decided.
End of Chapter 1