The Condensed Version of The Sonnets
Part One
By Sicily

Although this piece remains around a PG rating, it contains several direct references to slash and homosexual relationships. I've taken that all from the original poetry, more or less, but if that sort of thing bugs you, or you don't want to think of Shakespeare that way, I'd suggest you skip this.


I
You're pretty. Therefore you should procreate.

II
When you're old, wouldn't it be nice if you had pretty kids?

III
I mean, come on, who would reject YOU?

IV
It's really selfish of you not to pass along the good genes.

V
You're not going to stay good looking forever, you know.

VI
Since you won't be pretty forever, why not have kids? Then they could be pretty for you.

VII
If you don't get married and have kids, you'll die alone and unloved, found a week later half eaten by rats.

VIII
It's against every rule of nature for you to be single, you know.

IX
If you die after you have kids, it won't be remotely sad.

X
People love you, and you're not married, and that's just fundamentally wrong.

XI
So, years go by . . . you're not married . . . this should sound depressing to you . . .

XII
Look, is your biological clock BROKEN, or what?

XIII
What part of the phrase you should have kids is hard for you to understand?

XIV
Look, your horoscope today says something about love of your life.

XV
That was a hint, in case you were wondering.

XVI
The only way to really live forever is to have kids. Seriously.

XVII
No one will believe me if I just say you're pretty. You have to have pretty kids to prove it.

XVIII
I take it all back. You're gorgeous and perfect and you'll live forever in my poetry.

XIX
I forbid Time to touch you. I'm considering having you put in stasis, actually. Like on Star Trek.

XX
I'm in love with you. Too bad you're a man. Eh, well, I can deal.

XXI
I wish I had one of those old fashioned classical muses who responded to abstract beauty. Oh, well, you'll do.

XXII
I'm only as old as you look. So no pressure or anything.

XXIII
When I talk to you, it's like I left my script at home. Hence the poetry left on your doorstep.

XXIV
I carry a picture of you in my heart. Yes, I know that's cliché, I'm doing my best here.

XXV
You know, I'm so much luckier than a soldier or a courtier. I'm in love and you love me back, so my happiness is secure for the rest of my days. Stop laughing, I mean it!

XXVI
I wish I were good enough for you. Feel free to order me about as you see fit.

XXVII
As I fall asleep each night, I think of nothing but you. Make of that what you will, but notice I did not come out and say anything dirty.

XXVIII
Actually, come to think of it, I think of nothing but you in the daytime, too. So maybe it's not so much dirty as kind of obsessive and stalkerish.

XXIX
Sometimes I feel depressed, but then I think about you and feel better. God, you're great.

XXX
Seriously. It's like, I'm horribly depressed about my life, and everyone I know, and how everything is miserable, and then I think about you, and I don't feel suicidal anymore.

XXXI
You know who you remind me of? Everyone I ever loved who died.

XXXII
I really hope you don't die first. If I die first, you can take consolation from my poetry. It's not very good, but I kind of get incoherent when you're around.

XXXIII
You're the sun. You're ignoring me right now, and it's like you've gone behind a cloud. But don't worry, I still love you.

XXXIV
What the hell are you getting mad at me for? You really hurt my feelings. I think you should know, I only forgive you cause you're so pretty.

XXXV
Yeah, yeah, you're forgiven. I suppose no one's perfect. But I'm still holding a grudge.

XXXVI
We were meant to be together. That's why I'm breaking up with you.

XXXVII
I'm so living vicariously through you.

XXXVIII
How can I know you and still have writer's block? This bites.

XXXIX
We never see each other anymore. But I think about you a lot.

XL
You just want me for my poetry. Don't think I don't know.

XLI
Now you're cheating on me with girls.

XLII
Fine. Take her. It doesn't matter to me. I never liked either of you very much. Really. But for the record, she likes me best.

XLIII
I haven't slept in a week. I'm incoherent as I write this. But I'm still thinking about you!

XLIV
If it were just the long distance thing, we could work with it. It's the you not being in love with me thing that's hurting the relationship.

XLV
You'll never ever get away from me. Seriously. Sad, isn't it?

XLVI
You're so pretty! And you're a woman! And you're totally cheating on me behind my back.

XLVII
I have such a crush on you. Such! A crush! On you! You cheating brat!

XLVIII
I keep trying to think well of you, and failing.

XLIX
One day you'll leave me, but I really can't figure out a good reason for me to be in love with you, so, you know, whatever.

L
This love affair has all the excitement and joy of a long drive through Montana.

LI
Oh, what do you mean I go to slowly? It's because, um, I can't bear to be parted from you. Yeah, that's it.

LII
Honey, I'm home!