Twelve-year-old me would be highly disappointed that twenty-year-old me has devolved to the point of writing fic purely for the sake of angst. I am regressing in my old-age. Contributing to unhealthy standards, disgracing the purpose of fanfiction blah, blah, blah...

Anyway, Thor: Ragarok was great and Loki was sexy af in that black suit. I don't know whether there will be more chapters to this; I have plenty to write about but the end of this semester is also devouring me...so let's wait to see who wins: term papers or fandom.

*Grandly waves hand* I hope you enjoy my thing.

Atonement

As soon as he saw the ship and nauseating recognition thudded to life in his stomach, Loki knew that they would never make it to earth. On the receding wake of victory, they were all going to die.

"What –" Thor began, breaking away from his stunned silence to look at Loki.

Loki did not turn to face his brother. He was transfixed by the bulky, menacing spaceship. For a moment he was certain he was going to be ill. What had he done –

Then his mind seared in unexpected, white-hot agony. He tipped forward, crashing to his knees, hands clapped to the sides of his head as he fought back a scream.

"Loki –" Thor's voice was far away, muffled behind the reawakened, high-pitched shrieking inside Loki's own head: the pain as fresh as it had been yesterday, the cruel, piercing torture of a foreign mind invading, tearing, rending his own.

"Thor –" he managed to gasp between his desperate efforts to keep his mind his own, to defend against the alien voice that was already cackling at his petty efforts. "Thor – it – it is him – we must – must flee – before it's too late –" his voice dissolved in a silent shout, mouth stretched wide. He was on the floor now, curled in on himself as if making himself smaller would somehow diminished the target.

The ship shuddered and groaned. The lights flickered. They'd been swallowed by the larger ship's tractor beam. Alarms blared, red lights whirled. It was all too much. Too much. Loki shut his eyes against the influx of information. Panic smothered him. Not again. Not again. He would not let it happen again.

Footsteps rattled through the floor. "My King –" gasped one of the newly arrived guards in confusion and fear.

Thor did not have time to answer, for just then a deep, poisonous voice crackled through the ships intercom, so grotesquely familiar that, for a moment, Loki could not tell whether it was sounding from within or without his own skull.

"Little god…trickster god…" the voice hissed through the labyrinth corridors, echoing in the high-ceilinged chamber of the bridge, eliciting cries of distress and stilling heartbeats in fear. "You cannot hide from me. I know what it is you have. Have you brought it just for me, little god? How kind of you to consider bringing me a present."

Thor had his hand on Loki's shoulder, heavy and hot, a point of contact that Loki focused all his attention on, trying to distract himself from the tentacles of poison wending through the canals in his mind.

"I speak to your king – your little king, infant king – King Thor," Thanos continued. How did he know? Had he managed to withdraw so much information from Loki's mind in only a mere second of torture? "Behold, I am Thanos, destroyer of worlds, ruler of this universe.

"You dare hide your brother within your walls, King Thor, last king of the Asgardians? You threaten the safe haven of your people, just for your treacherous god of lies? Do you not know how he has betrayed you? How he has stolen the Space Gem from the shrine of your crumbled city – how he committed such an act with the intention of bringing the Gem to me, to fulfill my orders of long ago.

"I offer you a bargain – turn over your brother to me, the silvertongue, the fork-tongued serpent – and in exchange I shall not pulverize your ship and the last remaining souls of your people into a thousand particles of dust. This I leave for you to ponder. I give you an hour to do so. If, by then, the trickster god has not been returned to me, his rightful owner, then I shall destroy you."

The voice cut off as sharply as it had begun, leaving quaking silence in its wake. Their ship remained stagnant, fixed in the electronic pull of its exponentially larger companion.

With a final gasp of pain, Loki felt the digging fingers inside his brain tear away. Did Thanos find the effort too much, or was he merely withdrawing for a brief reprieve before beginning the assault afresh? Either way, the pressure in his mind receded, reducing him into a shuddering mound on the floor. For a moment he only lay there, trying to catch his breath, cheek glued to the cool metal floor. With effort, he roused himself, and pushed his body into a sitting position. Thor kept a tight grip on his arm and Loki found he didn't mind the steadying hold of his brother.

"Loki," Thor's voice was quite plain, not a growl of accusation. "What have you done?" Still, he might as well have punched a knife through Loki's gut.

"Thor, I swear –" Loki began but he could not continue. Swore what? What did he swear? The tesseract – vanished into a pocket in the fabric of his being instead of the fabric of his physical cloak, conjurable at the merest thought – seemed to burn his flesh with guilt. It was by his doing Thanos had been summoned to them – his doing, once again, that led his people to the waiting jaws of ruin.

Rapid footsteps interrupted them and Valkyrie burst onto the bridge. Her eyes flashed dangerously, she had her sword drawn. She shouldered her way through the wide-eyed guards who had come in when Thanos' first arrived. "You –" she demanded, point of her weapon fixed on Loki's face, "what have you done to us now?"

"Valkyrie," said Thor solemnly, raising a hand in protest as he stood to his feet and took several steps toward Valkyrie in case he had to intervene physically between her blade and Loki. "Put it away. Let my brother speak."

Loki struggled to stand. He put a hand against Thor's throne to steady himself. His head ached from the attack.

"Tell me," he said, grinning, "do the people send you to tell me they wish my blood spilled? I should not be surprised. What is the worth of a one life – the life of a traitor – in the scope of all the other lives, however few they may be when weighed against the masses we lost on Asgard."

Thor looked stricken, "Loki, of course they say no such thing."

"I wouldn't be too sure," Valkyrie snapped.

"Be still," said Heimdall, coming through the door, voice deep but calm. "In the face of this unexpected enemy we have no time for petty infighting."

Valkyrie heeded him unwillingly, sheathing her sword with a roll of her eyes.

"Thor," Heimdall nodded significantly to the nervous guards and Thor snapped to attention.

"Er – leave us – go to our people, spread the message that their king deliberates the best course of action. He will not allow another drop of Asgardian blood to be spilled this day."

The guards nodded, clapped their spears to their chest in a solute, and marched out of the doors. The doors slid shut behind them with a mechanical whoosh, leaving only Thor, Valkyrie, and Heimdall – and Loki at the center of their attention.

Loki found himself almost immediately doused in a deadly calm. This he could handle. Talking himself out of sticky situations had always been his forte.

"Loki," Heimdall warned in his deep voice, searching eyes grave but, Loki knew, unable to pierce the more carefully constructed of Loki's glamours. "It is time you reveal your secrets."

Loki swallowed. Damn, he thought he could handle this. He stepped forward and formed a sphere before his chest with his hands, unfolding the Tesseract from its hidden place within his seidr. He drew it forth into his palms, the pulsing blue gem encased within a cube of luminous glass. Valkyrie stared, mouth falling open. Thor looked away. Heimdall's golden eyes gleamed from the shadows in which he stood. He looked sad.

"You took it from Odin's vault?" Heimdall asked solemnly.

"Yes," said Loki.

Loki did not know what to do with the Gem, but found he could not bear holding it in his hands a moment longer than necessary, thrum of incessant power against his skin sending shock-waves up his arms and into his chest. He settled the Gem into the seat of Thor's throne, where it continued to glow ominously.

"On your way to resurrect Surtur from the Eternal Flame, to save our people, you thought you would make a quick detour?" Thor said darkly, fists clenched at his sides.

Loki did not reply. His head was spinning, churning in endless circles as he sought some solution to their position – a position Loki had fitted them into quite readily, lured them directly into Thanos' claws. If it had, indeed, been orchestrated that way, it could not have worked out more neatly.

For a moment Thor wrestled back his anger. He finally mastered it, and when he spoke again his voice was soft. "Oh, brother," he whispered, looking up at Loki finally – remaining eye catching hold of Loki's face. His brother's gaze was unbearable. "Will you never learn?"

"It was you who pointed out that I just want to stay the same," said Loki.

Thor merely looked at Loki. Loki fought the desire to look away.

"And all of that –" Thor waved his hand at the floor to indicate Loki's moment of agony under Thanos' invasion. Loki felt his blood run cold at the memory. "What did he do to you, brother? He was hurting you – how?"

Loki swallowed with difficulty. "He has before wielded the Mind Gem, and retains its power even now that he no longer possesses it."

"The same stone you used within your scepter to control Dr. Selvig and Clint?" said Thor.

"Yes," said Loki again.

"And – this Thanos has wielded this same power over you?"

"I – thought the connection had been broken after I lost my scepter." Each word left his lips unwillingly. "It seems it has not."

"He can get inside your head?" Valkyrie demanded, voice equal parts fury and disgust.

"I can stop him," Loki snapped, an overt lie. "He simply took me unaware."

"Brother," Thor's expression gave no hint of what thoughts were churning inside his head. "This is the answer to the mystery, then?" he said finally. His voice was taught, with anger or some other emotion Loki could not tell. "Thanos was your puppeteer, those years ago on Midgard? He controlled your mind, prompted the madness of your Chitauri attack?"

"He never controlled me!" Loki yelled, heart hammering wildly against his ribs. His lungs seemed to be deflated; they did not allow him enough air to draw breath. "It was by my own volition I attacked Midgard – he – he –" he could not speak his name. "Through him I was given the means, yes, but it was my own agency, Thor –"

The strange look did not leave Thor's unpatched eye. He clearly did not believe Loki and it was maddening – for how could Loki convince Thor the depth of his monstrosity – the true extension of his betrayal of bowing at Thanos' feet, pledging servitude – please, he would do anything – anything to make it stop –

"Can he see inside you now?" Valkyrie asked fiercely. "Are you spying for him even as we speak?"

"No!" Loki insisted. The god of lies, he could not comprehend how to now convince them of his honesty. "I swear to you, I have never given him a moment's access – he cannot enter this place through me."

But he could. He could. All of Loki's defenses were stripped away, shattered long ago, would crumble again at the merest whisper, and Loki lay naked and vulnerable before the Mad Titan, mind exposed and accessible for Thanos to play with at a mere whim. There was nothing Loki could do to stop him. Nothing.

They were all going to die and there was nothing Loki could do to stop him.

The suffocating hopelessness that descended on Loki's shoulders threatened to crush him. He fought to still the trembling of his hands at his sides.

"Well?" Valkyrie turned to Thor. "You're the king around here – what are we going to do?"

Thor looked affronted. He drew his shoulders up, "We fight. This so-called ruler of the universe will discover what happens to those who dare invoke the wrath of Asgard."

Loki nearly smiled, but the pressure in his throat was too much. He shook his head. "He cannot be fought, brother," he said. "You have no idea of his power."

For the first time, true fire glinted in Thor's eye. He'd never been able to handle being told there was something he could not do. "And you were just going to keep this to yourself, were you?" he hissed dangerously and Loki would have preferred if his brother had shouted. "You never thought to warn us that a being more powerful than we could imagine has been seeking the Infinity Gems across the universe?" He gestured to the swirling blue cube resting on the throne between them.

I'm sorry. But Loki didn't say it because he knew they would sound like empty words, even though he truly was sorry. He had never imagined – but that was his problem. He never stopped to imagine the wider reaching consequences of his actions. He always considered himself the careful planner and Thor the hot-headed fool, but in truth they were much similar in their impulsiveness than Loki was willing to admit.

"If we cannot fight him, then what?" said Valkyrie. "Can we pull away from the force of his tractor beam?"

"It is impossible," Thor shook his head. "His ship is simply too powerful."

"Then what are we going to do, Thor?" Valkyrie yelled. Her face twisted as if she was in physical pain, so great must have been her frustration and anguish.

Thor snapped. He stepped forward, dwarfing Valkyrie with his bulk and height. "If we cannot hope to win then we shall die fighting him!" he bellowed into her face.

Valkyrie faltered backwards from Thor. Her eyes wildly cast themselves to Loki:

"Why don't you turn yourself in, you coward!" she shrieked and – oh – there were tears swimming in her eyes. Loki had underestimated the amount she'd grown the care. It was odd what fighting side by side with someone could do.

A smile ghosted across Loki's lips, but he felt no mirth. "But you know all about cowardice, don't you?"

And there was solidarity among cowards, wasn't there? After all, Loki knew from penetrating her alcohol-misted memories, that she only survived Hela the first time because she ran. She hid beneath the slain bodies of her sisters, pretended to be dead, and fled the scene as soon as Hela's back was turned.

Valkyrie blanched, face going slack.

"Silence, children," it was the voice Heimdall; Loki had nearly forgotten he was there. He stepped out of the shadows he had seemingly shrunken into, hands raised to shoulder-height. "We accomplish nothing by trading insults and losing our temper."

Thor turned his back again. He was panting. He was a boy again, Loki thought, hating to lose an argument.

What was this sudden influx of nostalgia?

"My King," said Heimdall to Thor. "You must think of our people. If we die, Asgard dies."

"If you suggest I turn my brother over to that – that egotistical, insane voice from the sky –" Thor stammered.

"I merely beg of you to weigh the cost of your choices, my King."

"It is not as though we can even trust him!" Thor spun back around, teeth clenched. "Even if I did – if Loki – which I won't – but even if I did, we could not trust Thanos to holding up his side of the bargain. We are at his mercy – and I doubt very strongly he is a merciful being."

"He is not," said Loki softly. No one seemed to hear him.

"Thor," said Valkyrie, not looking at Loki and Loki wondered if it was because she thought him despicable or thought him pitiable. "We have already lost so much. Why throw it all away while we still have one gamble left – even if a fool's gamble it may be."

It hurt. Loki was not surprised, but it still hurt. How could he assume he'd be treated as anything other than a bargaining chip, he who had betrayed trust so many times? There were no more connections lasting between he and his adopted people. He could not expect mercy. How much more did he have to pay before he washed their blood from his hands?

Thor was not listening to Valkyrie, either. A feverish light was in his single eye. "Perhaps we can bribe him only with the Gem –"

"Listen to what you say, my King," Heimdall urged. "I see all, and I could not see this. Thanos has been veiled by shadow, merely an uneasy darkness in the corner of my vision. It is great folly that I could not see him until now. I cannot say what other powers he has been hiding from my sight, but it would be madness to offer him more willingly.

"Then what are you proposing?" Thor raged, voice pitching toward boiling point once again. "Give him my brother as a ruse – send him to the enemy to be – be tortured or imprisoned or killed while we slink off into the night –"

Thor's voice called forth the wave of memories Loki kept firmly shut behind a wall of metal in his mind, memories he did not revisit except unconsciously in the deepest recess of sleep, when strangled screams and the palimpsest of agony awakened again in his frayed nerves. The rush of memories was too much for Loki and he shut his eyes, feeling sick. Thor had no idea. No idea. No idea.

"Thor –" said Loki, brother's name flying from his lips without his permission.

Thor must have misinterpreted his brother's voice for he waved him away, "Do not fret, Loki. I will not let him take you."

"Thor –" Loki said again, voice quiet in order to force Thor to stop his own incessant prattling, foolish man, fighting an unwinnable war. Thor had not yet learned there was no out-maneuvering fate. Heimdall was looking at Loki: the all-seeing man, Loki felt sure he could see into Loki's head in that moment. "Brother, please."

Thor finally turned to Loki and immediately quieted – was there something on Loki's face? Some telling sign? The shadow of already encroaching doom? Thor's shoulders heaved as he struggled to calm his breathing. "Loki…" he cautioned.

Loki interrupted him, "I do not ask for your protection."

"What are you saying?" said Thor, face tortured and suddenly all Loki could remember was his brother's face above his on Svartalfheim, as Loki lay dying in Thor's arms, panting against the agony of the Kursed's wound through his chest.

"You – you do not need to protect me, brother," Loki faltered over his words. Now that he'd made the decision to say them, they didn't want to make the journey out of his throat. His body was rebelling, fighting him to stay alive for only a few moments longer. "It is not right – Heimdall speaks truth – you must think about what is best for your people."

"Our people," Thor spat, voice strangled.

A smile twisted itself onto Loki's lips, "You said it yourself, Thor, no more Asgardian blood will be spilt today." Loki wanted to step forward, wanted to lay a hand on Thor's shoulder, but he was rooted to the spot.

Thor looked like Loki had slapped him. For a moment Loki was afraid he was going to start yelling again. Loki didn't know how much more of his brother's emotion he could take. He was suddenly very tired. He could barely stand. He wanted to sink into bed and never rise again, not until he slept for the next age, and the age after that, consciousness dissolved in the cool asylum of dreamless slumber.

Valkyrie's face was stony. She crossed her arms over her chest. Loki could see her work her mouth to muster enough saliva to swallow.

Thor suddenly flung his arm into the air. "Go," he said harshly. "Leave my brother and I to speak alone."

Loki smiled at the unfamiliar edge in Thor's voice – oh, brother, playing at being their father – but he tottered against the throne again. He was tired. So tired.

Heimdall stepped away without a word. Valkyrie paused for a moment, lips parting as if she meant to say something else but the warning look on Thor's face must have stayed her voice, for she turned to follow Heimdall from the bridge.

The door slid open as Heimdall approached and now was Loki's chance –

Did he flicker? He didn't think he did, but still, something must have caught Valkyrie's eye for she cast a strange look over her shoulder at him as she left – almost as if she couldn't recognize him, but again she held her tongue and the door swished shut behind her.

Thor seemed to immediately forget Loki was still in the room. He paced forward, then turned back around, clasped his hands in front of him, then behind. He came to a stop in front of the domed viewing port, inspecting the dark shadow of Thanos' ship, mouth set into a grim line. It was as if the twisted metal spaceship had eyes – had seen all that had transpired within the room.

Loki waited for his brother to speak, but when he didn't, he cleared his throat. His mouth was suddenly parched.

"I will go to him," Loki whispered, licking his lips. He half-hoped Thor had not heard him, but Thor turned immediately at the sound of his voice. His face was purple with anger.

"You will not."

"You – cannot stop me, Thor," but Loki was screaming inside his head: stop me. Stop me, brother, I beg you. Protect me. Run from this place. Do not let me return – return to what I know to be pure agony and terror at his feet –

"I AM YOUR KING –" Thor roared, spit flying from his mouth in his rage, born from fear and hurt instead of true anger, Loki knew.

Loki could barely breathe. He gasped as he spoke, "You are king to more than just me – and he will kill them – your people – our people – if you do not let me go –"

"I will not lose you again, Loki!" Thor yelled. He took a step forward as if he meant to physically restrain Loki, pummel him to the ground or wrap him in chains, as long as he did not allow him to leave.

Loki faltered backward. His heartbeat thudded in his skull. His voice could barely creep up his throat, sharp-edged words seemingly drawing blood as they rose to his lips. He would not let his brother die. Not again would he watch anyone perish because of his ignorant, selfish mistakes:

"I am sorry, brother, but it was never your choice."

OOO

Like dust dissipating in a faint breeze, Loki let the illusion crumble. Alarms blared almost immediately, but Loki was no longer cowering in front of Thor on the bridge, but was already secured in one of the many evacuation pods in the belly of the ship. His diversion had worked, buying him plenty of time to travel, invisible, below deck while his double and Thor argued floors above him.

He strapped himself into the seat and his fingers flew over the control panel, unlocking the ship from its birth. The pod juddered as it was released from its moorings, and Loki gripped the steering shaft with white-knuckled hands. There was no room for hesitation now. It would be only moments before Thor discovered his plan and sent guards below to drag Loki off to the brig.

Loki's stomach roiled with terror as he maneuvered the pod away from the ship, shooting into the claustrophobic gap between the two ships. Thanos' ship loomed in front of him, bathing him in shadows and dread, blocking out the light of distant suns. Heavy and wet inside Loki's chest, behind the fear that he had managed to stifle as he put his ruse into action, was a sense of undeniable inevitability.

He should have learned by now he could not run forever from his problems.

Rapidly, he felt the exhausted calm he'd discovered while on the bridge eclipsed by uncomplicated fear. His fingers were shaking so hard on the control panel that he was afraid he'd simply be unable to make his hands do as he told them to. His chest throbbed with physical pain. He was acting automatically now as his mind evaporated into a blank whine of panic. He tried to think of Thor – not of Thor frantically searching the ship for his already absent brother – but Thor escaping, Thor continuing on to earth unimpeded, ruling their people wisely, kindly, fulfilling all Odin had hoped but never achieved –

Loki held onto to this picture in his head, drawing warmth from the image, as he urged the pod forward, flying willingly toward the waiting, leering gates of hell.