Scars

Akaashi threw his head back and moaned as the razor slid across his skin. Blood droplets welled up and dripped between the slices in his skin and he watched in fascination as the red streaks crawled down his arm and it never ceased to please him. The pain converted to pleasure and he made another slice inside his thigh. He knew it was dangerous but he didn't care at that point. His throbbing erection strained against his briefs and he breathed heavily as another cut sent across his torso. He cut and cut, on his shoulder, above his nipple, down his collarbone, and he came, desperately, as blood dripped down his body and onto the floor.

He inhaled deeply to calm his racing heart and flinched as the razor clattered on the floor. He curled up on the toilet seat and brought his knees to his chest. He knew it was a problem and he knew he needed help but it helped him cope.

He cut when he was sad. When he was angry. When he was frustrated. Mopey. Anxious. Numb.

He always cut when he was alone and he was alone a lot.

He got off the toilet and pulled off his ruined briefs. He felt disgusted with himself as he turned on the shower and faced his reflection in the mirror. He touched the multitude of nicks in his skin, the majority of them recent and red, others healed over. Blood covered his chest, shoulders, and arms and he looked away from the indecency of it all.

He stepped into the shower and rinsed away the blood, and the river of pink, diluted life water disappeared down the drain. He winced at the sting that accompanied him in the aftermath of his rant. He couldn't even remember what he was upset about.

A lot of the cuts were still bleeding under the warm water but Akaashi knew it wasn't serious. He would probably feel light-headed soon but until it happened he knew it would be fine. He's done worse before.

He dried off in the deafening silence of his solitude and attempted to get dressed. His clothes rubbed against his wounds and he popped a few painkillers for assurance.

He grabbed his phone and went out into his living room to sit on the empty couch, in his empty apartment. He sighed and looked around at his bare walls. He finally remembered why he was upset. He sold most of his stuff to make rent and utilities this month. Then he got into an argument with the three most important people in his life.

He looked at his phone and opened his unread text messages.

Kou [00:12]: akaashi, im sorry babe, come back?

Tetsu [00:12]: we didnt mean to push u away

Tetsu [00:13]: can u let us know u made it home okay?

Kou [04:56]: babe u ok?

Kou [04:57]: kashi?

Kou [04:57]: babe pls ansr

Kou [04:57]: we wer hammerd last nite did u make it home?

Akaashi smiled. It pissed him off how well Bokuto and Tsukishima could hold their alcohol but Bokuto was the best drinker.

Kou [04:59]: Tsukkis mad his phone is going off txt me l8r pls

Kei [09:09]: Keiji, we're coming over later so these two idiots can apologize. I'm going to use the key.

Kei [09:10]: We'll be over around noon.

Akaashi looked at the clock and saw he only had an hour before then. Then looked back over his empty apartment. He sold his other couch and loveseat, his tv and its stand, and the rest of the little stuff he had. It would raise too many questions.

He turned back to his phone:

Me [11:02]: I just got the messages. Sorry. Did you guys leave yet?

Kei [11:02]: Not yet. We are about to head to the train station.

Kou [11:02]: babe ur alive!

Me [11:03]: Don't worry about coming over, I'm on my way over there already.

Tetsu [11:04]: Are you sure? We got stuff for sukiyaki.

Akaashi swallowed hard. He had such amazing lovers.

Me [11:04]: Yes, see you soon.

Akaashi got up and put on his jacket and then his winter coat. He grabbed his wallet and keys and locked his apartment, leaving the bad feelings behind to where he could come back to them later.

It was only a five-minute ride on the train and a two-minute walk to the apartment Bokuto, Kuroo, and Tsukishima shared but he had no choice to take the 50-minute walk across the city despite the bitter cold and snow because he didn't have the money to pay for the train ticket.

He had three excellent lovers who he was sure that loved him unconditionally but he couldn't put that kind of stress on them. He lost his job, he struggled to pay his bills, he had no food, he was lucky to have running water. He curled in tighter as the wind picked up and fought back the tears. He felt the familiar urge to take the razor to his skin but swallowed it back. He was almost there. 20 minutes and 10,000 steps later and he trudged up the steps to the apartment where his other life resided.

He played with the razor in his pocket as he paced in front of the door. Maybe he should go back. His anxiety was through the roof and he pulled his phone out to tell them he wasn't coming. He would rather make the trek back home than sit and smile and lie in their faces.

He heard a thud then a faint "I'm going to go look for him," before the door popped open and Kuroo managed to get a foot in the hallway before he saw Akaashi standing there.

The former setter locked eyes with his lover and it took every fibre of his being to not break into tears.

"Keiji," Kuroo greeted and being him he saw Tsukishima barrel out into the genkan.

"You don't even know where to-oh," he paused in his shout and Akaashi waved awkwardly.

"I'm here," he greeted lightly and Kuroo pulled him into an embrace.

"What took you so long? You said you were already on the way an hour ago," Kuroo tightened his hold and Akaashi lifted his arms to hug back. His wounds screamed in agony at the friction but he tried to ignore it.

"Are you two just going to stay in genkan holding onto each other like the world is ending?" Akaashi laughed as Tsukishima ruined their touching moment considering they had screamed each other into oblivion the night before.

"Kei, we are having a moment," Kuroo buried his face into Akaashi's hair and Akaashi snuggled into his warmth. He didn't realize just how cold it was outside or how cold he was inside. Kuroo finally let him go so that he could take his shoes and coat off but he was scooped up and carried into the living room. He cried out in surprise and partial pain before he blushed and Kuroo laughed beautifully above him.

Akaashi smiled because to see their laughing faces was more to him than any drug or razor. Tsukishima stopped them to steal a long, deep kiss from Akaashi and a quick peck from Kuroo and the latter fussed because he wanted a sexy kiss like Akaashi got to which Tsukishima replied, "you had yours this morning," before he disappeared back into the kitchen.

Kuroo sat on the couch with Akaashi straddling his lap and Akaashi shivered at the warmth of the apartment and the body heat that permeated around him. His cheeks and ears burned as he warmed up and he wrapped his arms around Kuroo and slipped his hands under his shirt and the former Nekoma captain flinched and groaned.

"Your hands are fucking freezing," Kuroo breathed and Akaashi pressed his cold nose into Kuroo's neck. He breathed in his lover's musky scent and shivered again.

Akaashi closed his eyes and relaxed in Kuroo's hold and when nearly asleep when he heard a voice, "I'm sorry about last night."

Akaashi hummed and snuggled in closer, "we were drunk, I'm not torn up about it."

"You got so upset, we don't want to force you but we want you here with us. You know that, don't you?"

"I know," Akaashi thought about his current situation, "I don't want to be bothersome."

It was silent for a minute and Akaashi listened to Kuroo's heart rate increase before he was lifted from that warm chest and he stared into fierce hazel eyes.

"Do you believe we feel that way about you?" Kuroo's voice was thick and frustrated and Akaashi could have sworn he heard anger behind those words.

"N-no I-"

"Keiji."

Akaashi closed his eyes and shuddered, "I just don't w-want to be in t-the-"

"Keiji, I swear if you finish that sentence," Kuroo closed his eyes and Akaashi opened his. His anxiety was through the roof and his heart raced into his throat.

"What is going on in here?" Akaashi heard Tsukishima's voice behind him.

Akaashi couldn't swallow the lump in his throat as he stared at Kuroo with wide eyes. He didn't want to cry and he just wanted to spill his heart out but he couldn't get his mouth to work.

"Akaashi, you're here!" Bokuto bounded into the living room from the kitchen and pulled him into a kiss. Akaashi's mouth moved against his numbly and he flicked his tongue out of habit. It was definitely a sexual kiss and he could feel Bokuto's arousal seeping into it. It left him out of breath in the end and he pressed light kisses to mark the end.

He wanted to talk to Kuroo and his eyes flickered to Tsukishima, begging, and somehow, his blonde boyfriend understood clearly.

"Kou, we're not done yet," Tsukishima declared and Bokuto pulled away from him reluctantly.

"Tsukkiii," Bokuto whined and Tsukishima twitched.

"You said you wanted to learn so here's your chance, I won't offer it again."

Bokuto removed himself from the couch with a grumble and followed Tsukishima back into the kitchen.

Akaashi turned back to Kuroo who was watching him steadily now and pressed their lips together. He apologized between kisses and he realized that all his anxiety had melted away after Bokuto entered the room.

"Stop apologizing," Kuroo grabbed his hands and kissed his palms. Akaashi blushed as Kuroo nibbled on one of his fingers, "you're so cold, did you walk here?"

"I did," Akaashi responded nonchalantly.

"What? Why? Why didn't you say anything?"

"I was feeling a bit anxious so I wanted to walk it off," Akaashi replied smoothly, it wasn't a lie.

"Did it work?" Kuroo inquired.

"Yes." That was a lie.

Kuroo hummed and that was what Akaashi didn't want. He felt horrible for lying to their faces; telling them he was fine and he wasn't, telling them he was eating and he wasn't, telling them he would never lie and he did.

He leaned back in for a cuddle and Kuroo chuckled, "my, aren't you snuggly today?"

"It's cold," Akaashi mumbled but in truth, he didn't want to look at that beautiful face and tell another lie again.

Five minutes later, Tsukishima and Bokuto came out and announced that dinner was done. Akaashi moved hesitantly off of Kuroo's lap and stood up but the moment he did, his world came crashing down. He was surprised to see the ceiling in his view when he didn't remember looking up.

"Keiji!" Two voices.

"'Kaashi!" One voice.

It was most definitely his name but why? He felt the air leave his lungs when he hit the ground and the throbbing pain in the back of his head. It all seemed to happen in slow motion and the ceiling spun around even though he knew he hadn't moved.

There were faces and his view and he felt his body leave the ground. He tried to gather his bearings and tried not to throw up as his face was lifted. He was poked and prodded and he closed his eyes.

"I-I'm fine," his head lolled back and a wave of dizziness swept over him again, "just a bit dizzy."

He must have lost consciousness for a moment because he was on the couch and they were still leaning over him.

"Keiji, can you hear me?" It was Tsukishima's voice.

"Mmm," Akaashi hummed and it sounded strange to his own ears.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Kei," the response was there and Tsukishima sighed.

"Do you know where you are?" It was Kuroo's voice that time.

"Couch, apartment, Tokyo," the words felt strange coming from his mouth and all he wanted to do was sleep.

"Keiji, you can't sleep. You might have a concussion."

Akaashi forced himself into alertness and tried to sit up but he was pushed back.

"Don't push yourself," Kuroo's hand was on his chest but he shook his head.

"No, I'm alright. It must be because of the painkillers I took earlier."

"Painkillers don't make you faint," Tsukishima pointed out.

"I didn't eat today, plus the alcohol from last night, it's not surprising," Akaashi retaliated and sat up fully, "I promise I'll feel better after the sukiyaki you put much time into making.

He locked eyes with Tsukishima who was the hardest to persuade and finally the blonde sighed, "Kou, break out the kotatsu, we'll eat in the living room."

Bokuto went to fulfill his duties and Tsukishima turned back to Akaashi, "any sign if dizziness and we're going to the hospital."

"Okay," Akaashi nodded.

Dinner was never a quiet affair if Bokuto was at the table and he always had something to talk about never leaving room for awkward silences. Tsukishima had allowed the wing spiker to assist in the preparation of the sukiyaki and the vegetables were chunkier than usual but it was nothing worth mentioning.

Kuroo watched him from across the table and he felt oddly uncomfortable but the former captain was extremely perceptive and Akaashi was bad at lying.

"So how's work?"

Akaashi's throat seized up as the question was thrown out into the air by Kuroo but he was saved by Bokuto's answer.

"Akaashi! I forgot to tell you! I got my letter in the mail and I made it to the national team!"

Akaashi was genuinely surprised at the declaration and a grin spread out across his face. "Kou that's amazing! How long how you known?"

"I found out yesterday and I was meaning to tell you last night but-" he cut off and Akaashi felt bad all over again.

"I'm sorry about last night," Akaashi swallowed as he grabbed more meat from the dish, "I was overreacting about the whole situation and it wasn't necessary. I want to live here permanently, I want to be with you guys all the time, but-"

"Akaashi, do you love us?"

Akaashi was surprised at the question and he was more surprised that it came from Bokuto.

"O-of course! I love you all with my entire being, I would give up everything for you."

"Then why don't you?"

Akaashi went silent and swallowed, "I just-"

"You don't trust us?" Kuroo.

"N-no, it's-"

"You think things will change?" Bokuto.

"No, yes well-" His breath came quicker.

"What do you think will happen?" Kuroo.

"..." His throat constricted, he couldn't breathe. They were fading from his vision and the corners of his eyes were going black.

Bokuto.

Kuroo.

Bokuto.

"Shut up right now!"

He felt warm arms circle him and he took in a shuddered breath, "can't you see he's distressed? What kind of people are you?"

Akaashi felt the familiar itch on his skin and the razor in his pocket suddenly felt like a deadweight. He hugged Tsukishima tightly before he pushed away.

"I have to go the bathroom," he said and avoided all eye contact.

"I'll go-"

"I'm a big boy Kei," Akaashi smiled at his lover, "I can take care of myself."

He went into the bathroom and his heart pounded as he reached into his pocket for his beautiful razor. He stared at it for a while and the reflection showed just how sunken in his cheeks were, how dark his eyes were, the pallor of his cheeks, the dullness of his hair, how badly his demons called out to him.

He debated taking off his clothes but the odds of one of them checking on him was too high. He raised the sleeve of his jacket and pressed the razor to his skin but for some reason, he hesitated.

"Doesn't it hurt anymore?"

The razor slipped from his fingers and his head whipped up to look at Tsukishima who was leaned in the threshold. The clatter of the razor was loud in his ears and he flinched at the noise. Time seemed to stop around him and it was just him and Tsukishima in the entire universe. They stared at each other for long moments, time lost and time gained, minds going a mile a minute to see who would move first.

"H-how long-?" The words wouldn't come out his throat and he didn't think he would be able to stop his tears this time.

"Have I known?" Tsukishima helped and Akaashi shook his head.

"How long have you been standing there?"

Tsukishima snorted and stepped into the bathroom, "you had an entire inner monologue and you didn't even hear me open the door."

"The lock..."

Tsukishima held up a key, "we are in our apartment, do you really think a lock can stop me?"

Akaashi swallowed as his blonde lover locked the door and approached him cautiously as if he were preparing for a fight or a runaway lover, which Akaashi could agree with, he wanted to run, desperately, but he stayed because he was tired of the excuses and tired of the lies.

Tsukishima knelt down in front of Akaashi who curled up on the toilet seat in defense. "How long have you been fighting this on your own?"

"I-" Akaashi waited for an interruption because he took too long getting his statement out but Tsukishima just stared patiently, and it gave Akaashi the time to think about what he wanted to say.

"I didn't want to tell you because, we all have our own lives to live, our own problems and our own coping methods. I didn't want or need to push this on you, Tetsu, or Kou, it wasn't fair."

"So you thought this," Tsukishima picked up the razor, "was the best solution?"

"No," Akaashi hid his face in his knees, "I knew it was bad but I didn't know what else to do."

"You could have come to us."

"No! It wasn't about you!"

"Keiji! We're your lovers! We are here to support each other, love each other, be there in times of need, like now." Tsukishima threw the razor and it clinked somewhere far away and Akaashi tightened up.

"Keiji, have you looked at yourself? You look awful. Have you been eating or sleeping? It kills us to see you going through this downward spiral and you won't let us help you!"

"I-I lost my job," Akaashi started and the words spilled out with the tears and the stress, before he changed his mind, "I ha-haven't been eating, no food, I sold all my stuff, I've been sleeping on my couch, I've been trying to look for jobs but I only just made this month's rent and I was more worried about getting the money and-" he choked on a sob.

"And how long has this," Tsukishima ushered to the barely visible scars on his wrist, "been going on?"

"I've been clean Kei! I p-promise, I relapsed but I just didn't know what else to turn to."

Tsukishima knew very well. He knew what Akaashi went through in high school, how many scars he had seen on his lover's pale skin, the days where he'd curl up and cry silently, the days where he would cut too deep, and finally the day when they had made him forget about all the problems and the pain and all he had was the pleasure of having three beautiful lovers to think about.

Akaashi realized he never answered the question and opened his mouth, but Tsukishima pulled him off of the toilet seat and into his arms. "How long were you going to wait to tell us that you were suffering? A part of me knew you were cutting again but I didn't say anything. I wish I had."

"I couldn't put my burden on you," Akaashi's tears were flowing freely now and he sniffled as he held onto Tsukishima like he would disappear, "I didn't want you to abandon me."

"Keiji, we could never, ever leave you."

Akaashi nodded and his heart rate finally calmed down and the weight lifted off his shoulders.

"Come on, let's see the damage," Tsukishima said finally and Akaashi's heart spiked.

"You want to see...?"

"Yes, take your shirt off," Tsukishima reached for the hem of his shirt and Akaashi flinched at the sudden cold appendages on his skin.

"But-"

"Keiji." Akaashi looked into soft golden eyes and Tsukishima kissed him. It was a soft, meaningful kiss, full of emotions. Akaashi's eyes slipped closed as he melted into a puddle of goo in Tsukishima's arms. He hands came up to tangle in blonde locks and his body relaxed.

He loved kissing Tsukishima the most on his bad days, the blonde's kisses made him feel special and relaxed, while Kuroo was the best kisser when they were having sex, the former captain really knew how to move his mouth, and Bokuto made him want to have sex and was the best person to kiss when he rode out his orgasm and Tsukishima was his favorite person to kiss in the afterglow.

"Do you trust me? Do you trust us?"

Akaashi stared at him with lidded eyes before he nodded.

He allowed Tsukishima to pull his jacket off and his shirt over his head and Akaashi looked away as the blonde viewed the damage. There were lines everywhere. Long, drawn out lines across his torso and stomach, short, harsh lines on his shoulders, shorter lines across his collarbones, lines going horizontal, vertical, crisscrossed up and down his arms and the faint scars lightly dusted across his wrists.

Akaashi felt disgusted at himself, at how disgusting his body had become in the face of the truth. He wanted to curl up and hide his skinny, scar marred body from the eyes of his lover but Tsukishima merely stood up and pulled Akaashi up from the floor and to the door.

The blonde unlocked the door, opened it and let go of Akaashi. Tsukishima stepped out into the bedroom but Akaashi hesitated when he saw Kuroo and Bokuto sitting on the bed, pensive.

"You can come out here and join us or you can stay in there and continue to hide away. We want you to trust us, Keiji, because we love you and you don't have to do this alone." Tsukishima explained and Akaashi shivered as he felt the eyes of his older lovers scanning his body.

He took a step forward hesitantly and then another out of the bathroom and then his feet left altogether. He kept his eyes on Tsukishima as he stepped forward, shirtless and embarrassed, guilty that he didn't trust his lovers enough. He saw Bokuto shift from the corner of his eye and Kuroo settled him quickly.

Tsukishima pulled their bodies flush and kissed him slowly and it made his knees weak. He was slowly losing it but then Tsukishima pulled back just enough that their lips were no longer touching and Akaashi leaned more to get it back but he was paused by a finger on his lower lip.

It was arousing to feel and a breathy moan escaped from his mouth before Tsukishima spoke, "apologize."

They're eyes met and Akaashi understood how necessary it was for him to do it. He didn't need to lie anymore, they understood.

He nodded and Tsukishima stepped back. He turned to Kuroo and Bokuto, his marred torso and rib thin stomach on full display. His shoulders hunched in out of habit but he didn't try to cover himself up.

"I-I'm sorry, I have been lying to you for weeks now. I haven't been okay, I haven't been eating or sleeping or doing any of those things that are necessary for me a-and I-" Akaashi sniffed, "I can only sleep properly when it's all four of us and I love being here and I love you guys and I don't know what I'd do without you."

Bokuto was silent in absolute surprise and Kuroo stared at him without a word but never looked away from his eyes.

"My skin," he started again, "it's not, I'm not-" but he was cut off by Kuroo's hand reaching out to him.

His hands trembled as he gripped the offered hand and he was pulled into their bodies, the three of them a pile on the bed.

"We love you Keiji, more than you know. We think you're beautiful, every inch of your skin, every centi of hair, every crevice of your mind, you have nothing to fear when you're with us." Kuroo whispered into his ear.

"We would never stop loving you," Bokuto smirked, "especially not over something like this."

Tsukishima crawled his way onto the bed and smirked at him as well, "you're not getting rid of us that easily."

He felt his pants come undone and his briefs went with them. Kuroo sucked a hickey on neck and Bokuto took his mouth while Tsukishima prepared him.

Akaashi moaned into Bokuto's mouth when Tsukishima touched his sensitive spot and he reached to try to touch his neglected erection but Tsukishima grabbed his hand.

"No no, you just sit back and watch. Kou, would you like to do the honors?"

"Hell yes!"

Tsukishima and Bokuto switched places and Tsukishima held him, his back flush to Tsukishima's chest, and the blonde held his legs wide open. Akaashi shook his head as the cuts inside his thighs were in full view but he was more worried about his dick that was slowly disappearing into Bokuto's hot orifice. He threw his head back and took in a breath because the sight was too much. Kuroo took that time to lick one of the many scars on his chest and his eyes rolled back as he came unexpectedly, but Bokuto dutifully sucked him dry. The wing spiker's mouth came off with an audible pop and Akaashi shivered as those molten eyes met his and Bokuto licked his lips, "thank you for the meal."

Akaashi nearly passed out as Kuroo took Bokuto's place and his lover smirked from above him, steadied at his entrance. Tsukishima laid him flat and Akaashi could see that Bokuto had crawled behind Tsukishima but the blonde also stared down at him. He leaned down and stole a kiss just as Kuroo thrusted to the hilt. Akaashi cried out and Tsukishima moaned out loud. Akaashi watched Tsukishima's erotic face above him, teary eyes closed, mouth parted, deep blush, as his body moved with Bokuto's powerful thrusts.

"Shit, Keiji, you're going to take my dick off, relax," Kuroo's voice was strained and Akaashi gasped at the warmth that filled his insides.

"I am relaxed," he responded thickly, and he gripped Tsukishima's arms as Kuroo pulled out and pushed back in.

It was then that he noticed it. The faint, telltale discoloration of skin on Bokuto's shoulders, sharp lines, horizontal all the way, on Tsukishima's hip, they were diagonal and ran from the bone to his abdomen, and he looked at Kuroo, maybe he was the only-, no, they were there, crisscrossed on his wrist and up his forearm. Why hadn't he notice it before?

Kuroo grabbed his leg and suddenly flipped him over and the angle was so much better, and his thrusts were stronger than before, and Akaashi cried into the duvet with every movement. He looked for a moment and Tsukishima was on his back, and his hands gripped the blanket with white knuckles.

Akaashi closed his eyes and let the pleasure take over. He was close, so close, and Kuroo felt it too. Akaashi felt himself be pulled up and he slipped down deep on Kuroo's cock. He was surprised when another warm body sandwiched his between Kuroo.

"Kou, wait, no, what are you doing, wait!" Tsukishima was rubbing against him, and the two of them moved with the thrusts dished out to them.

"No, ahh no, it's too much, ahng, Tetsu, please," Akaashi didn't know what came from his mouth after that. He was so far gone, the friction, the friction, and he was sure he screamed as he came.

When he woke, it was dark and the room was quiet. He must've passed out after his orgasm and his lovers cleaned him up. He maneuvered himself out of the tangle of appendages and went into the bathroom to relieve himself. He looked at himself in the mirror as he washed his hands and took into the swell of his lips and the puffs under his eyes. He cried a lot but he felt the weight lifted off his shoulders now that the truth was out.

He was glad for the single dim light they kept in the bathroom because Bokuto had a bad habit and walked into things because he couldn't see in the middle of the night and Kuroo was tired of jammed toes on the door frame. He saw the glint in the corner of his eye and he reached down and picked up his razor that Tsukishima had thrown. He stared at it for a moment before he looked up and Tsukishima was at the door.

"Are you going to do it?" The blonde inquired.

"No," Akaashi smiled and walked to the toilet. He dropped the blade in and flushed and he watched it disappear down the drain, "for once, those demons aren't calling out to me."

Tsukishima grinned and Akaashi walked back over to him. They got back in the bed together and snuggled back into the warmth.

"It feels good to have Keiji back in the bed with us after his two months of abstinence!" Bokuto spoke.

"Yes," Akaashi agreed.

It was silent again and Akaashi was nearly asleep when another voice piped up quietly.

"Keiji, come live with us."

They were the first words of their argument from the previous night but the anxiety didn't hit Akaashi like it did before. He felt relaxed and relieved and most of all, he felt loved.

The silence around him as they awaited his answer was deafening but he merely buried his nose into the closest body and sighed contentedly.

"Okay."

Because they all had scars, and that was okay.

This was my first Gym 3, polyamory, fic and I had such an amazing time writing it. Hope you enjoyed it!