Hello all! Each time I post, I figure it'll be the last time for this story. Then the show goes and gives me more ideas. :D

So this chapter takes place after 13x06, but it might become AU after 13x07 premieres. Angst abounds.

At any rate, SPOILERS for the end of 13x06.

It's not just a dream this time.

The memory haunts Jack every waking moment, intrudes on his thoughts whenever he so much as closes his eyes to blink.

All it took was a second. One flick of power, one poorly placed pillar. And now a man is dead.

Jack has heard that word a lot in the short time he's been alive. It's such a harsh word, one that carries such finality. When he asked for his father, Castiel, the answer was, He's dead. (Somehow, Castiel's death wasn't as permanent as all the others.) Sam and Dean have thrown the word around a lot about their mother—she's dead, maybe she's not dead, she was great and now she's dead.

Even his own mother is dead—died when he was born.

But this is the first time that someone is dead unequivocally because of something he did. He, Jack. He killed that man.

He relives it constantly, the rush of power, of confidence. Then the horrible twist, things going perfectly and all wrong at once. Every sharp sound he hears becomes the smack of the guard's head against the pillar, and every shade of red darkens into the pool of his blood spreading sickeningly on the pavement.

Sam's proclamation, so calmly spoken, turns accusatory in his memory. He's dead. You killed him, Jack. You did this.

Castiel's earlier declaration of pride, of care, sours into disappointment. You were supposed to change the world for the better, not worse.

And his mother, dead before she could see him alive, no longer comforts him with reassuring words: I love you, Jack. You are going to be...amazing. Even monsters can do good in this world.

Now, in his mind, she stares at the dead man with bitter resignation. My g*d, Jack, what have you done?

I killed someone, he whispers to empty space. I killed an innocent man. I'm a monster. I'm evil. I did an evil thing.

No matter how many times Sam, Castiel, and even Dean, try to tell him otherwise, he knows the truth. Killing is wrong. That is what has made him a monster—not being Lucifer's son, or having powers, or hurting people without meaning to.

Besides, would Dean say the same to Jack if it were Sam who ended up dead? Would Sam still be able to care for Jack if he accidentally killed Dean?

That's why he left them. They believe in him —he can't bear the thought of letting them down more.

There is nowhere on earth he can go that he can't hurt anyone, so he never remains in any one place. Life without the Winchesters is frightening, fleeting, dark, and uncertain.

He misses them. He misses the comfort, the safety of their home—the home they shared with him. But if Jack remained there, he knows he would destroy their trust, their safety and security. Someone would get hurt. Better he leave first, hurting only himself.

He remembers Castiel telling him how heaven is a—relatively—safe place. How his mother is happy there.

He wishes he could join her there. Angels and people who are already dead surely can't be hurt by his powers.

But he has no idea where heaven is. No way of getting there, not even with his newfound skill of teleporting.

He can't even get there by way of dying, because time and time again he's proven to be un-kill-able.

If that weren't the case, he might have tried that route.

Instead, though, Jack wanders the earth. Alone, he finds no comfort from the hardships of life, no gentle support from Sam, no words of affirmation from Dean, no kindness or care from Castiel.

None of them can offer any respite from the guilt that torments him, from the terrible memories rooted deeply in his mind.

And they shouldn't. Jack does not deserve to have this burden lifted from his shoulders. As his punishment, he suffers.

Sometimes it becomes unbearable, and Jack finds himself curled into a ball in some dark alley, struggling to block the onslaught of images that seem branded on his eyelids.

He misses his bed. He misses the companionship so easily sought out. He wishes he could still cry out in fear in the middle of the night, and Sam would come to check on him, to reassure him of his own goodness.

But he's no longer deserving of that. Now, he deserves the fear, the uncertainty.

Now he deserves the nightmares.

...

"Jack?"

The sudden, intrusive voice startles him from an uneasy sleep. The familiar tone, cadence, crackles fuzzily inside Jack's head without any visible source. Like the Impala's radio with a bad connection.

"Jack, it's Sam. I...don't know if you can hear...prayers or whatever, but...just wanted to give this a shot.

"We miss you. We're worried about you. We just...want to know you're safe."

Jack squeezes his eyes shut, wishing there were some way he could block out the words. But at the same time, he longs to hear Sam's voice, hear his friend's gentle offerings of comfort.

"Look, I know that what happened was...awful, and there's no...fixing it. But it doesn't mean you're a—you know. You're still just you.

"Jack, we want you to come home. I want you to come home. I understand if you need some time, or some space. But if you can hear me, just know I'm not giving up on you. You're not a lost cause.

"You feel...bad. I know. Trust me, I know. But the fact that you do...that right there is proof that you're good."

No, I'm not, he whispers back. I'll never be as good as you.

"So when you're ready, you can come back home. We can get through this, together. Jack, we haven't known you for very long, but...you're practically family already. I mean, we basically adopted you the minute you were born.

"Jack, what I'm trying to say is I don't want to lose you. Life sucks, bad, when stuff like this happens, but it sucks a lot less when you've got family to help you through.

"Just...stay safe. Be okay, please."

Jack exhales, the breath catching in his throat. Family. Sam called him family.

Drawing his legs up to his chest, he buries his face in his knees.

I can't be your family, Sam. I'm not good enough.

Not anymore.

Like I said, I've no idea how 13x07 will go; this is based off pure speculation from the ending of 13x06.

Hope you enjoyed! Leave a review; I love hearing feedback, whether it be positive OR negative! :)

As always,

Thank you for reading KylerM.