Beware the Red-Headed Witch & Her Husband; Lord Death

Author's Note: Hello again! Eventually, it is my hope to fold the following story into my own alternate universe which began with the story A Wicked Witch, A Wounded Queen, Her Battered Thief, & Someone's Baby. Before you get started on the story please be advised of a few important things. Number one; there is a slight time jump between the beginning of this story and the end of my last, and by slight, I mean nearly five years. Number two; I do intend to go back and fill in the five-year gap at a later date. Number three; I am not the sole author of this story. It is a collaborative effort between myself and fan fiction author mercersburgrachel. Originally, we intended this to be a cute funny little one-shot that we wanted to post on or around Halloween, but the story, as is usually the case when I'm at the wheel - whether I have company or not, has taken on a life of its own and become something larger than we first intended. Number four; we hope you enjoy reading it as much as we are enjoying writing it.

Disclaimer: Guess what? I'm sorry to say we still don't own Once Upon a Time, Harry Potter, or either band of marvelous characters. They are not ours. No profit shall be obtained from the writing of this story other than our own personal satisfaction.

Snow checks her wristwatch and begins shoving her belongings into her tote. "It's 2:45 Regina. I've got to get going. Preschool lets out in 15 minutes, but don't forget about the kudzu that's obscuring the stop sign at the corner of Maple and Main."

"Right, I'll get someone on it first thing tomorrow morning." Regina reaches for her own handbag as well."

As the two women head for the outer door to the mayor's office, Leroy comes bursting in and Regina scowls in response to his less than well-mannered entry. "

"Thank goodness you haven't left for the day. We've got 'em bad, Madame Mayor. They're everywhere. The whole cave is overrun!"

Of their own accord, Regina's hands find her hips. "Leroy, I hope you swing a pickax better than you deliver a message. What in the name of all that is dark and unholy are you talking about?"

"Elven dust mites!"

"Ugh!" Regina sighs in disgust and drops her bag in the seat of the chair behind her desk! "There goes my quiet afternoon at home with Roland and Norah."

Snow wrinkles her nose in perplexity. "Elven dust mites?"

"That's what the dwarf said." Regina hisses dryly.

"What are they?

Regina thinks about her question for ½ a second before answering. "Think of enchanted dust mites hopped up on steroids that shimmer."

Snow scowls. "I'm not sure I know what a dust mite looks like."

"Try a termite then."

"And they're here; in Storybrooke? How do you suppose they got here?"

"It doesn't matter how they got here, Snow. All that matters is that they leave before they eat through Storybrooke's entire supply of fairy dust. If they are given enough time to gorge themselves and get worked up into that kind of feeding frenzy, purveyors of light magic are going to be next. If they don't completely wipe Storybrooke out of existence, they'll start killing townspeople."

Regina does not run, but as she leaves the town hall with an unmistakably deadly purpose in her stride, it's impossible for people passing by on the sidewalk not to notice and wonder aloud, "Oh god! What's happening now?

Snow follows along beside her, taking twice as many steps as her just to keep up with her ground eating strides. "How do we stop them?"

"They literally eat light magic; or any vessel that holds it. Once they get whipped up into a feeding frenzy, they get greedy. They will eat any vessel; Even if that vessel is a living breathing human being."

Snow repeats, "How do we stop them?"

"Only one way I know of."

"And that would be?"

"Go dark."

"In the middle of the day? I'm guessing that you're not suggesting we somehow engineer a man-made eclipse."

"Nope."

"You mean you're going dark!"

"Now you're catching on."

"You can't Regina!"

"Oh, but I can." She smiles with sinister intent.

"No, you can't! You haven't - not since you found out you were pregnant with Norah. Look, slow down and think about this for a minute! I'm not just trying to keep you from going dark. I'm trying to keep you alive. You haven't tapped into the dark side for almost five years. What if you're rusty?"

Regina throws back her head and laughs with pure dark abandon.

Snow's eyes go wide. "Okay, maybe you're not as rusty as I thought!"

Regina marches on, headed for the mouth of the cave where the dwarfs mine fairy dust. Halfway there, she decides she's bored with the hike, and tired of Mary Poppins chattering away in her ear like some sort of sunshine infested magpie. She disappears in a roiling cloud of her customary royal purple vapor.

Left behind, Snow mutters under her breath, "Damn it!" and nearly comes out of her skin when her daughter taps her on the shoulder immediately thereafter, and offers her a look of intense concern.

"What's happening?"

"Regina's off to kill the elven dust mites. Quick, take me to the cave,"

Even before their feet leave the ground, Emma starts, "Mom, what are elven dust m…?"

"ites?" By the time she finishes speaking, they're arriving at the mouth of the cave. One look at the deceptively beautiful critters who are blanketing the inner walls of the cave and she is rendered speechless. "These are dust mites? They are the size of watermelons."

Having arrived seconds before them, Regina glowers at Snow. "You know, every once in a while, I make the mistake of thinking you've gotten smarter than you were when you were ten years old! I just told you, these things devour any vessel that contains light magic! So, what do you do? You bring your daughter, the savior, the friggin' product of true love, straight into the lion's den to be sacrificed."

Snow looks around at a loss. "This doesn't seem so bad, I mean, yeah, they're eating the fairy dust like you said they would, but I was expecting them to look, I don't know – more evil. They are actually rather pretty."

Regina rolls her eyes, "Ever read this world's story of Lucifer, Christ's most beautiful angel?" With the flick of her wrist, she releases a small controlled blast of dazzling white magic; purely for demonstration purposes.

Instantly aware that they're in the company of a great source light power, the pretty, melon-sized bugs invert their colorful shells and reveal the black hideousness at their core. Suddenly, they rush toward Regina and expose pincers and jaws with malicious intent.

Emma yelps, momentarily hitting that mind-stumping, ear-splitting pitch that can usually only be reached by twelve-year-old girls and four-year-old boys."

Standing equidistant from both sides of the cave, Regina waits, thinking there's no need to rush. She has at least a good ten seconds. And that's when she hears a sound that instantly turns her blood to ice and terror seizes her heart in its vice grip. The single word. "Mama." is heard even before the small cloud of mauve colored smoke appears six inches to her right.

Even before her daughter fully materializes, Regina lunges and, with perfect timing, lifts Norah up into her arms. She holds the girl's small body prisoner against her own, forces her head down onto her shoulder and warns, "Close your eyes. Norah. Don't look. "I've got you. You're safe. Don't look."

She releases an unrestrained blast of dark magic. At first, the sinister bugs are shocked into immobility, then they screech horribly. They scatter in all directions. Half of them charging Regina while the others attempt to flee in vain and release their thunderous death howl.

Not always inclined to do as she's told, little 3 ½-year-old Norah picks her head up off her mother's shoulder and fights her way around until she can see what's happening. As soon as she does, she squeals in panic, squeezes her eyes shut for one terrified second, but then quickly recovers and lifts her own small hands.

An unfettered rush of raw power blasts forth hard enough to rock the walls of the cave and Norah declares, "Bad bugs! No! Bad bugs not eat Mama! "Bad, bad. bugs go bye-bye!"

Mauve colored manifestations of power, co-mingle with Regina's red, they slowly go a deep purple, before finally ending in jets of obsidian black with pinpoints of white starlight. A blinding flash of light and a rush of superheated wind explodes backward toward the mouth of the case, it wraps around Emma and Snow and dissipates quicker than a hiccup; before it has time to scorch their hair, flesh, and lungs. When it's over, there's not a bug in sight, but before anyone can voice appreciation for this the inner walls of the cave groan lowly; almost as if in protest.

Regina turns and shouts, "Go now!" even though she's already de-materializing with her daughter in her arms.

An instant later, she's outside. Watching Emma materialize with her mother's hand held tightly in hers.

They bend at the waist, with their hands on their knees, struggling for breath as Regina brushes the dust off them and giant boulder-sized rocks tumble and fall sealing the mouth of the cave shut.

Coughing, Snow declares. "Leroy and the boys are not going to be happy about that. They're going to have to dig their way back in there?"

With more important things on her mind Regina says tartly, "You're welcome!" She sits down on the grass and looks her toddler over; head to toe. "Are you okay, honey?"

Norah nods in mild uncertainty. "I okay… If bad bugs are gone." The little girl looks herself over; checking under her arms, lifting her small legs, and peering cautiously into the bib pocket of her lime green overalls."

Regina smiles. "Did you find any?"

"Nope! Bugs all gone, Mama."

"Okay good." Regina's lighthearted tone shifts and becomes harder. "What are you doing here, young lady!" How many times have we told you? You are not allowed to go anywhere using your magic without Mama or Daddy with you!"

Norah suddenly looks unpleasantly surprised. "Uh huh, Mama. Have to!"

"Oh really? Why? Why did you have to?

"Cuz, Henry school, Roro asleep. He take nap. Can't find Daddy; he's in the trees. Have to come find you. Need Mama."

"Honey, Aunt Zelena will get you anything you need."

Norah shakes her head solemnly. "Na uh, Mama. Auntie Zena fell down. She asleep on the floor. She not wake up."

Meanwhile in the Underworld…

"Ladies, ladies. Let's be civilized, shall we? There's no need to be so hostile." Hades placates, annoyed and perched stiffly above them on a throne carved out of obsidian.

He has called both Cora and Cruella into his domain, a magnificently grand hall meant to intimidate, boasting the finest furnishings and decorated with ancient murals depicting his many accomplishments so that he could hear their grievances. The twin to his throne was empty, signaling that his wife was out, but that didn't mean she was any less revered by their subjects.

Cora glares at Cruella. "You're lucky you're already dead."

Cruella laughs maniacally. "You're the one who's lucky; you spoiled, entitled, wench. You can dress yourself up in royal threads all day long. But, we both know, under it all, you're just a dirty little street urchin with flour under her nails."

Cora hisses with venom in her words. "One of these days, I'm going to figure out how to sic your own dogs on you."

Hades drums his fingernails against the arms of his throne. "Enough! The underworld is big enough for both of you. Now, go! Get out of my sight!"

"But!" They both turn to him.

He rises to his feet; his head erupting in blue flames. "If you two don't…" He's abruptly silenced by the sight of an emerging flame that starts out as a small green dot in the corner of his inner sanctum and grows in size, going a soft shade of little girl pink around the edges until it is big enough for his sobbing 4½-year-old to appear.

"Daddy!" She wails, running over and throwing her chubby little arms around his legs.

Much to their displeasure, Hades forgets all about the quarreling women who both seen to be of the opinion that they are entitled to some sort of rank here in the underworld.

"Eliana! What's the matter, precious?" He scoops her up in his arms. "Are you hurt?"

The red-headed child with bright blue eyes shakes her head adamantly. "Daddy, Mummy fell down and she won't wake up."

Hades frowns instantly and confirms his wife's present locale, "Where is Mummy, my sweet?

"Auntie Gina's house."

"Pain! Panic!" He roars loud enough to make the two women present wince and shield their ears.

His two, quivering, man-servants appear instantly, "Yes, Your Unholiness."

"Escort the ladies out, now! We're done here!" To his daughter, he says, "Okay, Hang on tight. Here we go." And with that, he blinks and disappears from view; leaving Cora and Cruella to stare after him in fury.

Cruella huffs, "Of all the nerve!"

Cora agrees. "If Regina, at that age, or any other, had dared to interrupt me while I was seated before subjects…"

"Ladies…" Pain and Panic gesture toward the exit.

Cora snaps, "Oh alright! We're going! Don't get your little Gregorian cloaks in a twist.

Purely for her own sadistic amusement, Cruella kicks Pain in the shin on her way out the door.

Arriving in Storybrooke within the time it takes to blink, courtesy of his godly powers, Hades stands in the center of the great room of Robin and Regina's grandly refurbished, centuries-old octagonal shaped apple barn. Calling his wife's name, his first stop is the only other room on this level of the three-story dwelling that is easily 80 feet tall at its highest point. When he finds her, sprawled on her back on the kitchen floor, he rushes to kneel at her side where he gently sets his crying daughter on her feet again. Cradling his wife's head in his lap, he gently caresses her face while his right hand blindly feels her wrist; searching for her radial artery and the pulse he already knows he should find there. But, knowing doesn't help. He checks anyway. "Zelena? My love? Please, darling, open your eyes."

He knows this moment isn't her last. He's a god. Gods always know. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for their omnipotent knowledge, to fade or become cloudy where loved ones are concerned.

"Damn it." He curses quietly. Why isn't she waking up? She should be waking up! Breathing deeply, he wills himself to calm down; to breathe, and to turn his focus inward.

He closes his eyes and squeezes her small hand gently as his daughter pleads, "Daddy?"

Just as he's about to cut through the deafening noise of his own emotions, just about to count the heartbeats present in this room; one, two, three - or are there four? He questions just as Regina arrives with a wide-eyed Norah on her hip, looking both worried and put out at the same time.

There are five beating hearts in the room and his mind is too frazzled to detect more than what his eyes can see.

For a moment, he and Regina simply stare at one another and then she is there kneeling at his wife's other side. She looks her sister's body over. She shows no outward signs of injury. Regina palpates her sister's neck in search of a throbbing carotid artery. When she finds it, she brusquely taps her sister's cheek, feeling somewhat less inclined to be gentle that Zelena's lover. "Hey, come on, Greenie. Time to rise and shine. Open your eyes, sit up and argue with me! Come on, let's go. I don't have all day!"

Hades glares. "Do you have to be so abrupt? Give her a minute to come around."

"Stop arguing," Zelena mumbles thickly.

"Zelena, my love." Hades croaks in relief."

"I'm fine, I just fainted. Are the girl's okay? She tries to sit up and winds up resting on her elbows. "Elia, don't worry, princess, Mummy is fine."

Considerably more relaxed now that he can talk to his wife and she can actively respond, Hades places a hand over her heart and tries once again to turn his focus inward. It takes several long seconds, but ultimately a calmer head, not to mention heart, gives him what he needs to prevail. Regina watches intently. Although there is no detectable evidence of anything magical or godly happening, she's acutely aware of his intense concentration and she beckons Eliana to her side in an attempt to comfort the worried girl. When approached, she wraps one arm around the girl, but Eliana's seemed to draw more comfort from the simple act of placing her small hand in Norah's as they watch quietly, both of them also aware that something important is happening.

Finally, at long last, Hades smiles and offers his wife an enthusiastic but chaste kiss on the mouth. "I thought so, but I couldn't be certain; not when I was worried enough to almost panic. Plus, with Regina and Norah popping in at a crucial moment, it interfered with my concentration and my count." He gently runs his fingers through his wife's hair. "There are six heartbeats in this room."

Zelena squints in confusion; her younger sister putting the pieces together a ½ step ahead of her.

"Six?" Regina questions. "Not five?"

Hades nods and then, second-guessing, shakes his head "Make that eight." He almost smiles the single instant before Emma and her mother step hurriedly through the door.

Regina groans and declares, "You're pregnant." In the same moment that her older sister smiles and questions her husband, "I'm pregnant?"

Nodding with enthusiasm, Hades offers his wife another kiss.

"Yeah, yeah, congratulations," Regina says dryly. "Get her up off my floor and to the hospital to be checked out."

Zelena's shakes her head as Snow and Emma look on wide-eyed, but quiet. "I don't need to go to the hospital. I'm fine. I fainted, that's all. I just stood up too fast."

"Oh, no you don't! You're going!" Regina says firmly. You are not going to wait until the Rh incompatibility between his and your blood puts you and this baby in jeopardy like last time. It can be treated if the doctors know about it early on, remember?" Regina reaches down, offering her a hand. "Come on, up you go. Carrying a child who isn't half-god is hard enough on a woman's body. Carrying one who is, plus the RH factor thing…"

Hades helps gently lift her to her feet. "For once, Regina and I are in complete agreement. You're going, and I don't want to hear a single argument come from those luscious lips of yours."

Regina paces with boredom in the waiting area outside the emergency wing of the hospital. When Robin simply shows up in response to the text message she sent summoning him, without actually bothering to reply to said text message, she's not at all surprised.

He steps into the waiting area and immediately takes hold of her outstretched hand. "What's going on."

"We're waiting for confirmation from Weil. Hades is in there with Zelena, now. "

"Confirmation of what?"

"She's pregnant. Hades detected an extra heartbeat."

"He can do that?"

Regina nods. "I'm not absolutely certain of this, but I'm nearly positive that all gods can. I'm sure the power to do so is seated in their omnipotence."

Then, why didn't he just tell her… You know… The moment conception occurred."

Regina shakes her head. "Probably doesn't work that way. I mean, he could likely do that with other people, but when you have an emotional attachment to someone - especially when you love someone – powers of perception aren't as sharp. The water gets a little murky."

"Make sense. None of us thinks particularly clearly when someone we love is in distress. Where are the girls?"

"I left them and Roland with Daddy."

"Your dad is watching your sister's daughter? Good man."

Regina smiles wryly. "He might have felt differently if Mother had ever done anything to actually encourage his affection. As she didn't, I don't think he cares enough to be insulted. Besides, Zelena was born before she even knew Daddy. Although, not much before… And Daddy fathered another woman's child while married to Mother. Under the circumstances, he would consider it gauche for the pot to call the kettle black."

Robin shoots a friendly but curious look in the direction of Emma and Snow. "What brings you two here?"

"Good question?" Regina raises an eyebrow. It's not necessary for either of you to be waiting here. So, why are you?"

Snow stares at her in utter shock. She drops her voice to a discreet level. "You're kidding, right? We just saw you and your three-year-old daughter take out an entire cave full of elven dust mites. Your daughter caused the cave to collapse – and you don't know why we're here?"

Regina hisses even more quietly as Robin suddenly eyes his wife with concern. "This is not that time, or the place, Snow. I will not discuss this with you now. Go home! I will talk to you later."

Meanwhile, in the exam room, Zelena hugs her husband warmly. Having just received the confirmation they were waiting for, she smiles up at him standing beside the exam table and questions in astonishment "How is it that I'm the one who gets pregnant every time you and I make up after a fight?"

Laughing softly, Hades winks and replies comically, "Because I don't have the uterus."