Hello everyone this is IndigoWerewolf with my newest story, The Next Adventure, based off of South Park: The Fractured But Whole. Before we start, I just want to say that I LOVED this game. That said, it's also pretty fucked up. Major spoilers ahead. I do not own South Park, let's read!

"What has become of this city? There used to be laws. Justice. Not anymore. Crime is out of control. Cats are missing. And townspeople are being victimized. We were supposed to protect those who couldn't protect themselves. Now superheroes are torn apart by political differences. We are two sides, at war. But war isn't going to save our city. Time travel is my only hope now. Myths tell of ancient times. When a New King united a kingdom, torn apart by a powerful stick. Shut up, Mom! There's no time to waste. I have to go back. Change the present if I can. And find this cat. And in doing so… Maybe I can change what has happened… to all of us."

It's been a month since the Stick of Truth was thrown into Stark's Pond, and things have changed a lot since then. I had finally managed to comb my unruly blue hair into a style my Mom called the Peacock, and my glasses had broken while we were playing baseball, so I got a new pair that are more square and that had the frames at more of an angle.

I was also currently on the toilet. The guys and I had tried to move on from the Stick of Truth game, but a bunch of other kids weren't happy about that and kept demanding that we play with them, so we eventually caved and agreed to, and I was taking a bathroom break while the others fought outside. I had traded in my old armor for a simple purple shirt and a teal cape and gloves with blue pants along with a gold-colored crown. Once I finished doing what I needed to do, I grabbed a piece of toilet paper and cleaned up, then hopped up off of the toilet and flushed it.

I opened a cabinet and took some scrap before exiting the bathroom to see my parents arguing. "We should be happy that she's made friends in this town so quickly!" Mom said to Dad sternly, who retorted with, "We came here to hide! More friends just means more trouble!"

"You're being paranoid! You need to lay off that stuff! It's changing you!" She told Dad, who rolled his eyes and told her with an exasperated tone, "Oh, LAY OFF! It's the one thing that helps me relax from your stupid shit! Oh, hey whippersnapper!"

The last sentence was directed at me, since he had just noticed me standing there. "Didn't see you there." He told me, and I sarcastically thought to myself, 'Yeah, apparently.' "Your friends are downstairs, kiddo! Get out there and play!" Mom told me before they both laughed awkwardly, Mom going downstairs and Dad walking into their room. I peeked through the keyhole to see that Dad was grumbling to himself on the bed.

Suddenly, he looked around fearfully before reaching into his nightstand and taking out a small wooden box. He opened it and pulled out something wrapped in wax paper, which he unwrapped and started eating, revealing it as a pot brownie. I sighed and turned away from the door with a disappointed look on my face. Dad really had been trying to connect with me before he started doing weed. Now he's just stoned 24/7, and I wouldn't mind it if he at least did it in moderation, but he doesn't even seem to know the meaning of the word.

I decided to deal with it later and looted the hallway and then my room, which I had decorated with some mementos of my Stick of Truth adventures. With that done, I went downstairs to hear Mom crying in the kitchen. I looted the living room but decided to give Mom some privacy and left, pausing for a moment and taking a deep breath before I opened the front door.

Kyle and Butters were waiting for me outside, and Kyle told me, "My lady! The filthy Moorish are attempting to overtake Kupa Keep!" He then ran off, and Butters told me, "You gotta come fight, my liege. You're our only hope!" He ran off after Kyle, and I followed them to see a huge brawl unfolding in the street with elves and humans attacking Moorish, which were really just kids in bicycle helmets that had fake horns taped onto them.

Just then, two Moorish ran up to us, and I hit one of them to gain Combat Advantage before we each took our places in our new grid-like combat field. Walking up to the closest one, I quickly hit him with a three-punch combo attack, defeating him and knocking him back into his ally, doing a moderate amount of damage. The remaining Moorish came up to me and hit me a few times with his sword, barely doing any damage as Kyle exclaimed, "Our Queen is undefeatable!"

I defeated the second enemy with the same combo from before, but as he ran off, he exclaimed, "We can't stop her! Ready the Guards of the Dark Court!" I looked in the direction he had just left with a combat ready stance and a determined look on my face as Kyle said, "Wow! Did you see that! The Queen's amazing!" "Her powers are unparalleled!" Butters said as they walked further down the street.

I followed the two of them to find that three more Moorish were waiting for us, these ones far more well-equipped than the last. I punched the one in the lead and the battle began with me going first. One of them was confused by this, saying, "Hey what? I'm supposed to go first." Kyle told him in response, "Nuh-uh, the Queen got Combat Advantage, she gets to go first!"

I started off the battle with a Fart attack, blowing the two in the rows on either side of mine backwards with the powerful flatulence and putting them in the same column as one of their allies. "Oh the humanity!" Butters muttered, and Kyle told him, "It's fine, they're the bad guys." "Oh yeah. Go Queen!" Butters exclaimed as one of the Moorish came up and hit me with an axe that he had made out of a stop sign.

The two I had hit before came up on either side of him, and I had to wonder whether they were having trouble remembering the combat grid we had set up or had just forgotten my last attack. Unfortunately however, that attack had a cooldown of one turn, so I simply used my Punch attack to knock the middle Moorish into the back of the grid as he exclaimed, "Their Queen's too powerful!"

He immediately advanced one space before the one in the top row came down to the middle and attacked me with another axe, this one made out of a crosswalk sign. "Our Queen shrugs off your puny blows!" Kyle told them before the last Moorish moved into my column. I used Punch to knock the one in front of me back into his ally, defeating both of them with one move as Butters told me, "Great smiting, Queen!"

The last Moorish moved into the column behind me, but I wasn't deterred that easily, and I moved into the bottom row and turned to face him before defeating him with the same Punch attack that I had used on the others. Not wasting any time, Kyle told me, "Good job." As he and Butters went down the street some more, Butters telling me, "Let's go. We've got to get to Cartman's house." The three of us went up to his front door to see that two more Moorish were waiting on his front step in front of a pile of red Lego bricks. As the three of us approached, Kyle told them, "Stand aside or die! We're going through that door!"

One of them told us, "You can't." And Kyle asked him, "Oh yeah? Why not?" The other one then told him as he pointed to the Legos, "Because everything in front of here is lava!" Surprised, Kyle asked him, "Oh, dude, no way. All of that is lava?!" Pointing from one side of the Lego pile to the other, the first Moorish told him, "Yup, everything from here to here is lava. You can't cross it!" The two then went inside to do who knows what.

"SHIT!" Kyle cursed as Craig came up to us and said, "Come on, let's get inside!" "We can't. They're saying everything in front of the door is lava." Kyle told him. "Oh, that's not fair!" The thief complained. Butters then turned to me and asked, "What do we do, my Queen?" I then took a quick look around before telling them in a soft and quiet voice, "If we can get over the fence, one of us can open the door into the yard and let the rest of us in that way."

My voice was not strong after not being able to use it for my entire life, unsurprisingly, so I couldn't talk too much or too loudly yet without my throat hurting. This combined with a habit of staying silent led me to communicate verbally as little as possible, talking quietly if I need to and texting or turning to Facebook when I don't. Not having heard me, one of the Moorish told us, "What do you do now? You die! Release the dragon!"

I sighed in exasperation. None of us wanted what happened with the Stick of Truth to happen again, so we tried not to put too much into this game, but occasionally we still went overboard. Like with the dragon. Two Moorish wheeled it out of Butters' garage and into the street as Kyle exclaimed, "A dragon?!" It was just a series of boxes colored and taped together on top of a wagon to look like a real dragon, but I could swear I had seen it breathe real fire once or twice. Two more Moorish stood inside to attack, towering over everyone else on the battlefield.

I didn't have Combat Advantage, so the Dragon went first. One of the Moorish on top shot an arrow at me, hitting me in the face and making me blink at the attack as I staggered in place. "Oh man." Butters muttered at the assault, and I moved into the middle row as I took my place in front of the column in front of me, using Fart to defeat both of the Moorish on the ground at once and knocking one of them into the Dragon, dealing it some damage. "Wow, did she just fart on a dragon?" Craig asked, and I thought to myself, 'Technically no.'

Butters however, exclaimed, "Heck yeah, she did." As the Dragon's head started to shake and smoke started to come from its mouth. I remembered that the flame attack hit two columns in front of the Dragon and moved back to the third before ending my turn. Suddenly, the Dragon spat flames from the box that was supposed to be its head, and Kyle told the Moorish on top, "Hah, our Queen dodged it!" "Ah, dammit." One of them cursed.

Kyle then told them, "Ok, if you get your Fire Breath attack, our Queen gets her Hammer of Heavenly Reign! You can't stop the Que-CAR!" Hearing Kyle's last word, I moved out of the street as two Moorish moved the Dragon onto the sidewalk. I checked my phone as the car went by, its driver yelling, "Stay outta the street! Damn kids."

The car passed us and turned down the street, and the battle resumed as we retook our places and Kyle yelled, "Clear!" Once the Dragon was back in place, Kyle yelled, "As I was saying: You can't stop the Queen! She is all powerful!" Walking up to the Dragon, I demonstrated this as a huge golden hammer appeared over my head surrounded by a blue and green aura, and I smashed it down onto the Dragon, destroying it and sending the Moorish sprawling to the ground. "DRAGON SLAYER!" Kyle exclaimed.

All around us, the Moorish were in shock, and one of them muttered, "Oh my god, she defeated the Dragon!" "No friggin way. That kid's amazing!" Another one of them said as they all scattered. I sighed with relief and started looking around for a way to get over Cartman's fence. Looking to Butters' garage, I saw that the hatch to its roof was open, and that the ladder was resting on some boxes covered with a black tarp. I quickly destroyed a box with a dragon egg drawn on it and dragged a step ladder over to the space where it had sat.

Kyle, Butters and Craig all clapped and commented on what a skillful warrior I was. Meanwhile, I went up the step ladder and climbed the actual ladder up to the roof of Butters' garage. I carefully made my way up to the other side of the roof, where I paused for a moment before sliding down and flipping over into Cartman's backyard. I then unlatched the fence door and let the others in before we went up to the castle in the back. I saw that the backyard was deserted except for Jimmy and three Moorish, two of which were holding him and one was pacing in front of the others and asking, "Speak, Bard! What happened to the Stick of Truth?!"

"The wizard had it thrown into the ocean!" Jimmy replied, and the Moorish not holding him said, "LIES! You shall feel the wrath of the Moorish!" "Unhand him, you heathens!" Kyle exclaimed as we walked up to the four. "Release the Bard or you'll have the Queen to deal with!" He told them as he pointed to me for emphasis. "The Queen!" One of the Moorish holding Jimmy said, and the other one told him, "They say she can slay a dragon with one blow!"

"That's right! And if you don't- Wait, wait, whoa… Where is the wizard?" Kyle asked. Looking around the yard, I didn't see Cartman anywhere, which is weird since he was supposed to be guarding Kupa Keep with Jimmy. Speaking of, the bardic boy remarked, "Uh, I thought he was with you guys." "No, we got a distress signal to come help him here." Clyde replied.

Just then Cartman, who was dressed in a weird-looking raccoon costume, leaped out from somewhere beside us. "THE WIZARD IS GONE!" He told us, and continued, "My name is the Coon! I'm from the future!" "Dude, we said we're not playing that anymore." Craig told him, and Clyde asked him, "Yeah, we're all split up. What's the point?"

"THIS IS THE POINT!" Cartman replied, and pulled a poster of a really fat and old cat named Scrambles that promised $100 to whoever found him. "In my time there is a massive crime wave and missing cats! I knew my only hope was to assemble the team." He told us.

"Hey, you can't just switch games like this- Where is the Stick of Truth?" The Moorish that wasn't holding Jimmy asked him. Cartman then replied without his dramatic voice, "Shut up, Kevin. This isn't about some dumb stick! There's a cat in trouble and it's the key to finding the crime syndicate new to our town! In the future."

'There has been a lot of missing cats lately. And there's a bunch of other shady stuff going on too. Maybe I should try and help them.' I thought to myself. "Crime syndicate? That… that sounds too heavy for Coon and Friends." Clyde commented. "Well what do you want, Clyde? You want the fucking Freedom Pals to find the missing cat, get the hundred dollar reward, and make their superhero franchise more popular?!" Cartman asked him.

'Franchise?' I thought to myself, raising my eyebrow. "Fuck the Freedom Pals, dude." Kyle said, to which Cartman replied, "That's right." Just then, Mrs. Cartman opened the sliding glass door and told us all, "Poopsykins. There's a loud ringing coming from your basement playroom." Cartman had a shocked look on his face as he muttered, "The Coon alert." He then went inside his house as he told Kyle, Clyde, Jimmy and Craig, "Come on, Coon Friends, go get your stuff and report back to the Coon Lair! In the future."

Craig, Clyde, Jimmy and Kyle all started to take off their fantasy costumes and walk towards their houses as Jimmy said, "COON AND FRIENDS ASSEMBLE!" And walked away from the Moorish. Cartman quickly told us, "Sorry guys, you can't play with us. We're playing superheroes now, aaand you guys are dorks."

And just like that, our game ended and I was left alone with the Moorish. Thoroughly confused at this point, I walked through the kitchen as Mrs. Cartman told me that the others were down in Cartman's basement. When I went up to the door however, it was locked and there was a keypad with various swear words taped onto the numbers. Mrs. Cartman then poked her head in from the kitchen and said, "Oh, did you get locked out? I'm afraid little Eric put a lock on the door to keep me out. I'm sure he has the passcode written down here somewhere…"

She then went back into the kitchen, and I went upstairs to Cartman's room as I wondered just what went on in his head. Walking around his room, I noticed a red notebook behind a cracked lamp, so I moved the broken light fixture out of the way and saw that it was hiding Cartman's journal, which he had spelled wrong on the cover. Opening it to the first page, I saw a badly drawn picture of Craig fucking Butters in the ass. Stifling laughter, I turned the page to see two more drawings on the third and fourth pages, one of Butters fucking Kyle's mom and one of Kyle fucking himself. Barely managing not to laugh now, I turned the page to see that he had one last drawing, this one of Butters jizzing in Kyle's mouth.

I burst out laughing at the last picture, completely failing to keep myself composed as I dropped the journal. Once I was done, I picked the journal up and opened the little flaps of paper on the last page to see that the passcode was "FukYouMom." I closed the flaps and took pictures of all of his drawings along with the front cover for future blackmail and replaced it before going back downstairs.

Seeing that Mrs. Cartman was talking with a police officer over the phone about the "lava" on her front step, I went over to the keypad on the basement and entered the code. The door opened and I walked halfway down the steps to see that all of the guys were sitting at a big table, and Clyde, who was dressed in a weird mosquito costume, was saying, "Maybe we should go down to Raisins and see if the waitresses know anything."

Cartman then replied, "That's not enough, Mosquito. We have to act fast before the Freedom Pals can!" He then pulled the same cat picture out of his pocket and asked Craig, Jimmy, Clyde, and someone I didn't recognize through their costume that had a kite on their back, "A hundred-dollar reward. Do you know what that could mean to our superhero franchise?" The one with the kite on his back, who I recognized from the voice as Kyle, pointed out, "That cat looks pretty old. Maybe it just died in the gutter somewhere."

Cartman then told him, "Human Kite, do I have to remind that as of right now Freedom Pals have a hundred followers on Instagram?! We have six! The five of us and Billy Turner, who's a ginger. THIS is the key to finally beating those fuckers!" Jimmy then asked him, "But where do we start looking? That cat could be anywhere."

Cartman got out of his chair and told the group, "We need to split up. Mosquito, take to the air and check out all the city parks." "You got it! Mosquito away!" Clyde told him, and then he ran up the stairs while I moved aside to let him pass. "Human Kite, see if the cat is stuck up a tree somewhere. You've got the storm drains, Super Craig." Cartman told the two boys, and they both left while Craig exclaimed, "Super Craig!" And Kyle made whooshing sounds with his mouth

He then went up to Jimmy and told him, "Fastpass, I need you to use your superhuman speed to get to the Mayor's Office and tell her we're on the case." "Don't worry Coon, you can count on Fastpass to get there fast." Jimmy told him, stuttering for a moment and looking like he would fall over before following the others. He said, "Excuse me." While he went past me, and I walked down the stairs and went over to Cartman to ask him, "What are you guys doing?"

Cartman didn't even look over his shoulder from the fake keyboard he was typing at as he told me, "We're playing superheroes." I waited for a moment for more of a response, and after he didn't say anything else, I awkwardly asked him, "Well, can I play?" "No." He told me with no hesitation.

"Why not?" I asked with my eyebrow raised. "Because girls don't make good superheroes." He told me, this time actually looking at me over his shoulder before he went back to his fake typing. A little indignantly, I asked him, "What the fuck, Cartman? You practically begged me to play your last game, and I was a girl then and did just fine." Cartman sighed and turned to face me before telling me, "Look, we've been playing this for months. We can't just add a new character out of nowhere."

"That's exactly what you did with the Stick of Truth game." I told him, and his eyes darted around for a moment as he tried to come up with another reason why I couldn't play before sighing and telling me, "Alright you, can watch us play superheroes, as long as you don't get in the way. Make yourself useful and bring me the Stafernisky device."

"The what?" I asked him, having no idea what he was talking about. He rolled his eyes and told me, "Use Inspection Mode! Jesus Christ." I was still lost until I felt a buzzing in my eyes, and I rubbed them to clear it. When I opened my eyes again, I saw that everything was tinged blue, and that there was a blue exclamation mark over one of those pairs of goggles that let someone view different pictures. The blue tint faded away, and I found that I could turn it off and back on by focusing on my eyes. Taking off my glasses, I saw that they weren't the cause and put them back on, then picked up the Stafernisky device and gave it to Cartman.

As I handed him the Stafernisky device, Cartman said, "Well, that took long enough." He then put the goggles up to his eyes and said, "Stafernisky device active." And then flipped through the slides while he made beeping noises. He then put it away before he asked me, "You really wanna be a superhero, huh? Play with the big boys?" He looked to me for a moment before muttering, "Well, well, maybe… MAYBE you can be useful. Have a seat at the table, Douchebag."

He then sat at the seat he had occupied before, and I took the one on the opposite end. "All right, in order to play superheroes… You have to have a superhero persona. Then, you can fill out your character sheet on Coonstagram. Do you have a Coonstagram page?" He asked me. "I don't know what that is." I told him simply. "Oh boy, you're not even on Coonstagram, huh? Well, I guess I can create one for you… Fuckin' unbelievable… Let's see. Go ahead and download the app, it's on the app store." He told me.

I downloaded the app he told me about while he typed on his iPad and got a Coonstagram page set up, and I saw that it was just like Instagram but with a more raccoon-like logo. "Okay, now you need to select a superhero class. You know, what kind of superhero are you, what are your powers? Since you're a newbie, you can only choose between three for now." He told me as he held up his iPad to show me three different hero classes.

"You do realize that I actually have super powers, right Cartman?" I asked him, and he replied, "Yeah but they don't work with any of the classes. Just pick one, dude." I shrugged and picked Blaster, figuring that fire powers would be easy for me since I had already used them in our last game. Cartman then told me, "OK, Douchebag, but now… We need to find out what terrible thing in your past drives you." He put his feet up on the table and told me, "You see, Douche, all superheroes have a compelling backstory. It's from that backstory that their powers gain meaning."

"My grandfather locked me up in a lab and experimented on and tortured me for six months straight." I pointed out. Cartman looked surprised for a moment before he told me, "Yeah, but… but that JUST happened, right? Like… like a couple months ago. Superhero backstories have to be like… like years ago." I shrugged and asked him, "Okay, then what do you suggest?" He then sat up straight and pulled a few sheets of paper out of his pocket, telling me, "I'm glad you asked. Let's take you back to when you were just a child…"

He then went through a little comic he had made that featured a six year old me fighting off home invaders with my various Blaster powers, which culminated with me going into my parents' room as Cartman narrated, "And so you beat them! All seemed to be ok, but then you reached your parents' door. And what you saw when you opened that door changed your life forever and led you to fighting crime. You were too late. Because when you opened that door you saw… You saw your dad… fuck your mom."

I had a confused look on my face as he put the comic away and said, "Wow, that's a pretty heavy backstory. You fight crime because you never forgot the night you weren't in time… And you saw your own father… The man you trusted… Fuck your mom. It's like a ripple in time you can't ever change, isn't it?" He then moved on, and I realized that I was dressed in black pants, a grey helmet with green eyepieces, a black shirt with flame designs and wings colored like flames on it, and two cans of hairspray taped to my wrists.

"All right, now that you're a superhero, I have a mission for you. I need you to go out into the town and try to get as many followers as you can on Coonstagram. It's the only way our franchise will survive." He told me, and I jumped down from my chair and looked at my hand as I concentrated, wanting to check something. Sure enough, a ball of fire appeared in my palm, and I thought to myself, 'Looks like this game is already real. Cartman DID say that they had been playing for months. But why does that story he told sound… familiar?' I couldn't shake a strange feeling of déjà vu at Cartman's comic, even though I knew that if something like that had happened, there was no way that he could know about it.

I shook it off and went upstairs to loot Cartman's house of scrap before leaving the house, seeing that Mrs. Cartman was sweeping away all of the "lava" the others had left on her step. Looking around, I used Inspection Mode to see that an elderly woman and a Moorish nearby both had camera icons over their heads, which according to Cartman meant I could take selfies with them to get them to follow me on Coonstagram. I went up to the woman and pulled up Coonstagram on my phone, silently asking for a selfie, which she agreed to. Once I had taken the picture, I saw that her name was Mrs. Farnickle. She then told me she would see me on the Internet before walking off.

I opened Coonstagram to see the selfie I just posted and saw that Cartman had dubbed me, "The Amazing Butthole." And I honestly couldn't tell if it was an improvement over Douchebag or not. I requested a selfie with the Moorish nearby, but was told that I didn't have enough followers, so I looted the mailbox and garage and moved on down the street towards Butters' house. Another Moorish turned me down for having too few followers by Butters' garage, and I kept moving since it was locked. Another Moorish that was cleaning up sand turned down a selfie before I got to my house, where I saw that the mailman was having trouble with our mailbox.

I hit the mailbox to unjam it and took a selfie with the mailman, then another one with a Moorish at the end of the street. I then took another selfie with Kevin Stoley before Cartman called me on FaceTime to tell me, "Nice work Douchebag, you're gaining followers pretty fast. I'm still having trouble reaching some of the Coon Friends though. You might wanna see what's going on."

I opened the Map function on my phone to see that I had two missions, one to talk to Craig at his house and one to meet Kyle. I decided to meet with Kyle since he was closer and set off down the street, stopping to take a selfie with the Moorish that was outside Butters' house. I then went inside to take selfies with Mr. and Mrs. Stotch and to loot the house of scrap before moving on, walking down the street to see Randy Marsh buffing a bunch of key marks out of Sharon's car.

As I approached, he looked down to me and asked, "Hey kid, do you know anything about this? Somebody is keying my wife's car at night." He looked from me to the car before continuing, "It's happening EVERY night. I thought it was just one of you damn kids but, well… Here, come take a look at this." He then walked into his garage as he waved for me to follow him, which I did as he opened the garage and told me, "Whoever is scratching the car is also leaving notes."

Randy held up a sheet of papers as he said, "I'm just scared it's a… jilted lover or something." He then read a few of the notes, reading out loud, "'You won't forget me THAT easy.' 'I thought we had something.' 'I'll tell the world about you, bitch.'" He then looked down to me and said, "Look, I'm sick of having to buff that shit out. If you can catch whoever's keying my wife's car tonight, I'll follow you on Coonstagram." Randy then pulled out a buffing tool as he told me, "Trust me: You want me as a follower-I'm a pretty big deal in this town."

Randy then started to buff out the scratches on Sharon's car, and I went into Stan's house to see his sister and grandfather in the living room. Shelly said she wouldn't follow me until I had more followers, but Grandad said he would follow me if I got him a condom. I then looted Stan's house of scrap, an Antidote crafting recipe, and Stan's superhero character sheet. Unfortunately, while I was looting Randy and Sharon's bedroom, I accidentally knocked my helmet off and got one of Sharon's bras tangled on my head. I tried in vain to remove it for a few minutes before giving up, deciding to just leave it until I had more time to try and get it off.

As I neared Kyle's house, Cartman called me on FaceTime and said, "Ah, I see you've made it to the Palace of the Clouds. That's home base to Human Kite. Perhaps you can find him inside…" He hung up and I looted Kyle's garage before going inside the house, then looted the kitchen and living room before I walked up to Kyle, who was looking up the stairs. Seeing me approach, he asked, "Who the hell are you?"

"It's me, Dova. You know, Douchebag." I told him, and he got an incredulous look on his face before yelling, "REALLY?! You sent a newbie to my distress call?! You're such a dick, Coon!" He walked a bit away from me as he told me, "Sorry, kid, but my problem is too big for a rookie. A few days ago… there was an anomaly in the universe. Another version of ME - the Human Kite from an alternate dimension – showed up here and is destroying everything. Right now it's upstairs, in my room. I don't think anything can stop it…"

"Look, Kyle-" I began, but was interrupted by him telling me, "Human Kite." "Human Kite." I corrected myself, and continued, "I don't know what's going on here, but Cartman sent me to help you. Can we please just get this over with so I can get to Craig?" Kyle looked down for a moment and muttered to himself, "Well, I can't just let him run around unchecked. I have to do something. All right, let's go."

With that, the two of us went up the stairs and went up to Kyle's room. "Human Kite from another universe is behind this door." He told me, and continued, "I can't fight him, for obvious reasons, you know – alternative-universe paradox shit. So, YOU are going to have to take him out. You've got to really kick his ass, dude, so that he wants to return back to HIS universe on the East Coast. You ready? All right, go get 'em!"

With that, he opened the door and we walked into his room to see his Cousin Kyle running in circles on the bed wearing a poorly-made imitation of Human Kite's costume. He was making whooshing noises with his mouth, and when he saw us, he exclaimed, "Oh hey Kyle. I'm baaaaack!" He jumped off of the bed and asked, "Who's your friend, did he come to play with us?" Human Kite then exclaimed, "All right, me from another universe! It is time for you to go back to your universe!"

Cousin Kyle then told him, "What do you mean, Kyle? We're a team, remember? I'm not from another universe; we're like best super pals!" Kite then told me, "As you can see, he is the one running around giving the Human Kite a bad name. He was sent here to destroy me and weaken my powers." Cousin Kyle then corrected him, saying, "No, no, I came to spend two weeks with my cousin and wanted to play superheroes! And then he said, 'Okay, what superhero do you want to be?' And I said 'I want to be Human Kite.' But he said, 'You can't be Human Kite, I'm Human Kite.' And I said, 'Why can't we be Human Kites together?' And so I went to Aunt Sheila and I said, 'I want to be Human Kites together.' And she told him he had to do what I said because I was the guest."

He then looked to Human Kite and asked, "Remember?" Kite then took a deep breath and told Cousin Kyle, "I'm sorry, me from another universe, but it is time for you to learn that playing superheroes is too painful!" He then turned to me and told me, "New Kid, you must now destroy my alter ego."

"I'm not fighting your cousin, Kyle." I told him simply, and he got a surprised look on his face and pulled me to the side, telling me in a hushed voice, "Please, dude, I can't take this anymore. Just rough him up a little bit so that he won't want to play anymore." I responded, "Look, I agree he's annoying, but if I beat him up, he's going to tell your mom, and then we'll both be in trouble."

"I'll handle my mom." Kite promised me, and asked, "Please, do you really want him running around playing with us?" I looked to the nerdy boy and saw that he was breathing heavily through his mouth, and sighed before I told Kite, "Alright fine, but just a little bit." "Oh, thank you!" He told me, and Cousin Kyle and I took our places in a combat grid.

"Oh Jesus, we're gonna fight?" Cousin Kyle asked. "That's right. If you wanna play, then THIS is how you do it." Human Kite told him, and he responded, "Well, all right. Anything to make me and my cousin more alike! Prepare for battle, weakling!"

The battle started and Cousin Kyle asked, "I haven't done a whole lot of sparring. Is this a no-contact thing?" "Full contact. Not sparring." Kite responded to him, and Cousin Kyle told him, "Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, I didn't bring my pads." "It's happening. Get him, New Kid!" Kite told me.

"Cousin Kyle! We can beat him if we join forces!" Cousin Kyle exclaimed, and Human Kite responded with, "Yeah I really want to but parallel universe rules say I can't." As I decided what attack to use. I settled on Triple Burn, throwing three fireballs at Cousin Kyle and doing a minor amount of damage along with giving him the Burning status effect. He muttered, "Oh dear, this is the last affliction I need." Before Kite told me, "I'm telling you New Kid, he's messing with powers beyond his control!"

Cousin Kyle then reared his head back before firing red lasers out of his eyes at me, doing some damage before he asked, "That wasn't too hard, right? I don't want to cause any permanent damage." "You're fine, Kyle. And for the record, I'm a girl. I didn't have a chance to say that when you called me 'he' before." I told him. He apologized for the mistake before he took some damage from his status effect.

I decided to use a different attack and chose the Plasma Beam, but before I could use it, Cousin Kyle told us, "Oh, you guys, time out, my vertigo is starting to act up." "Jesus, come on, dude." Kite said. I skipped my turn regardless, not wanting him to complain to Mrs. Broflovski, and he told me after a moment, "OK, I think my inner ear fluids have stabilized now. Uh, that last hit didn't count, right? I'm undoing that damage, OK Kyle?"

He then healed himself fully, and Kite told him, "That's some classic alternate-universe bullshit." "Yeah, you can't just make stuff up, dude. And I skipped my turn." I told him. He ignored me however, and shot me once again with a red laser. I went to take my turn, but was interrupted by Cousin Kyle telling me, "Hold on, I need a time out so that I can use my inhaler." I sighed in frustration and skipped my turn again, and he shot me with red lasers a third time.

"Cousin Kyle, I called a time out and she didn't listen! You know my asthma acts up when I exert myself." Cousin Kyle exclaimed, and I sternly told him, "I skipped my turn!" I then shot him with Plasma Beam, doing a moderate amount of damage with the ray of heat. "Yeah, I think this would be a lot more fair if I had a shield." Cousin Kyle told Human Kite, and continued, "Some kind of shield. Like a, like this Sefer Torah, which also has a great sentimental value."

Annoyed, Human Kite told him, "Dude, Human Kite is an alien, there's no Jewish stuff involved! And you can't just make up powers in the middle of a battle!" "I'm not making it up, it's totally canon in my alternate universe." Cousin Kyle replied, then took out a small Torah and opened it, making blue light shine at his feet in the shape of a Star of David. He gained a small amount of Protection as he sighed in relief, and I blew air out of my nose in frustration at his cheating.

I went up to him to use Heat Wave, but he suddenly exclaimed, "Hang on, I thought I should get this turn instead of the New Kid because she didn't wait when I said time out earlier, so I think it should be my turn now." Angrily, I told him, "I did listen! I skipped my turn, remember?!" "Are you kidding me?! That's totally cheating!" Human Kite exclaimed.

He shot me with a red laser regardless, and I growled at his poor sportsmanship. Angrily, I charged up and hit him with a Heat Wave attack. It barely made a dent in his Protection however, and I was worried I'd be here all day before Cousin Kyle went up to the bed, saying, "All right, here we go, my super ultimate power. Get ready… Are you ready?" "Oh Jesus." Human Kite muttered. I went up to the bed, intending to give him a piece of my mind as he said, "OK, Wrath of Kite from an Alternate Universe!"

He then climbed up onto the bed and posed dramatically before he jumped off, landing on his face as he hit the floor and depleted his Health down to zero. I looked down at him and wondered if he was okay before he picked himself up, exclaiming, "Oh! Oh, Jesus! I think I might have ruptured my hernia!" "You had enough, alternate me?" Kite asked, and Cousin Kyle responded, "Yeah, this superhero stuff really hurts. I better go back to my universe."

"Oh, you're leaving? Dude, that sucks." Human Kite said sarcastically. Cousin Kyle told him, "Yeah, I'll be going back to my universe now, Human Kite." He then started walking away as he said, "I need some Campo-Phenique for my ear because I got a scrape on it from being farted on." "I never farted on you." I told him as he walked out the door, presumably to go home.

I saw that I had received a new mask along with some scrap and change from the battle as Cousin Kyle left, and Human Kite told me, "Dude, I don't know how to thank you. From now on call on me whenever you need help." "Just remember that if your mom hears about this, she's your problem." I reminded him. I then got an alert on my phone that told me that I had gained Human Kite as a Combat Buddy, which apparently were friends I could call on to battle with, and I saw that I could have three at a time, which was a relief since I could only have one in our last game. I also got another alert that said I had cleared Human Kite's quest.

I then looted Kite's house, finding his character sheet along with some various scrap and change. I also found a vial of cat pee in the master bedroom, and knowing Mr. Broflovski's history, I decided to confront him about it when I found him and took a selfie with Ike before moving on. I left the house and turned down the street to Craig's house, looting mailboxes along the way. When I reached the South Park sign, I saw that a group of four sixth graders were blocking the way onto Main Street, and I got a FaceTime call from Cartman.

"Look out, ButtLord! Those are sixth graders. They are the most vile, evil beings known to superheroes." He told me before hanging up, and the older students started talking about boobs and basketball. The leader then started to dance while I tried to stifle a giggle. I walked past them and looted a paper bag at the bus stop before I got to Jimmy's house, where I saw another sixth grader named Bartles beating up Peter Mullen. "When I finish kicking your butt, I'm gonna kick your stupid frog's butt!" He told Peter, who responded, "Frogs don't have butts! They have cloaca!"

I figured that if I was going to be a superhero I couldn't just ignore this, so I walked up to him and punched him, and a battle started with me having Combat Advantage. Human Kite swooped in to help me as my turn started, and I used Triple Burn to do some damage and give Bartles Burning. He then walked up to me and gave me a Wet Willy, making me shudder before Human Kite used his Kite Shield ability, throwing his kite up in the air and making it land on me, giving me Protection.

I then used Heat Wave on Bartles to knock him back, and he moved forward by one space before taking damage from his Burning effect. Human Kite then moved in front of me and shot him with blue lasers, using his Laser Burn ability to do some damage. I then used Triple Burn again to deal more damage before Bartles gave Kite a Titty Twister. He then took more Burning damage before Kite used Laser Burn, almost defeating him before I used Triple Burn to reduce his Health to next to nothing. He gave Human Kite one last Wet Willy before succumbing to Burning, the status effect knocking him out and winning us the battle.

I got some scrap and a small amount of change, then saw that I had leveled up from the battle, increasing my Hero Rank to 2. I then got a FaceTime call from Cartman, who said, "Wow. Nice work, New Kid. You took down a Sixth Grader. Keep it up!" Before he hung up. I took a selfie with Peter before I looted the front of Jimmy's house and moved on. As I approached Craig's house, I got another FaceTime call from Cartman, who told me, "Soon you will be approaching Super Craig's Fortress of Solitude. Super Craig hasn't checked in… I hope nothing's wrong."

He then hung up and I looted a duffel bag outside the house, gaining a recipe of some kind, and knocked on the front door. Super Craig then answered it and told me, "Greetings citizen. It is I, Super Craig." He raised up his fist as he said 'Super Craig' and said it in his version of a dramatic tone. I looked at him for a moment before he told me, "I am sorry but I cannot assist anyone with their problems right now. Super Craig can't find his guinea pig." He once again said 'Super Craig' with his own dramatic flair, and he turned back into his house and told me, "Go tell the Coon that I'm not playing until I find Stripe. He's not just a normal guinea pig. He belongs to me and my ex-boyfriend."

I raised my eyebrows at this and asked, "Wait a minute, you and Tweek broke up? Why?" "I'm not ready to talk about that right now." He told me, and I shrugged and asked him, "Fair enough. If I help you find Stripe, will you come play?" "Okay. I'll bet Stripe is down in the basement again." Super Craig told me. As we went up to the basement door, Super Craig told me, "We should start in the basement. That's the last place I saw him."

We opened the door to the basement and walked down the stairs as he told me, "I'll stand by the stairs to keep him from escaping! You do the rest, Butthole. Be careful. This is probably the most challenging mission you've ever been given." 'In this game, maybe. So far.' I thought to myself as I set about looking for Craig's guinea pig. Suddenly, Craig pointed upwards and said, "Look, there he is. In the vent, way up high!"

I looked up to see that Stripe was indeed in the vent, hiding behind the cracked grate. Looking around, I saw a new case of Snap N Pops, so I picked up a box and threw one at the grate, breaking it and making Stripe cling to the edge. "Oh, almost! Do it again." Craig told me. Reluctantly, I threw another firecracker at the rodent, knocking him to the ground and making him scurry over past some boxes. I quickly broke them and threw a Snap N Pop at the box of fireworks next to where Stripe had settled, igniting the fuses. I stood back as the explosives detonated, sending fireworks screaming around the basement and making Stripe run for cover, running past me and hiding under a laundry basket.

I pulled the basket out and Stripe ran into another grate on the ground level. "Use the power of your ass to overwhelm his supersensitive smell!" Craig told me, and I gave him my third best 'Really?' face before I sighed and pointed my ass at the grate before I farted into it, making Stripe stumble out and fall over. Craig gingerly picked him up and told the guinea pig, "Yes, Stripe, a brilliant rescue! But it wasn't just me. We have ButtLord and her sickening asshole to thank."

"It was your idea." I pointed out before Craig put Stripe back in his pen and told me, "You did it, newbie! If you ever need help you can count on Super Craig!" He did one last dramatic flair with his name as I got an alert on my phone that he was now a Combat Buddy. I then decided to check something and threw some Snap N Pops around, destroying a ukulele but otherwise not doing any damage. I then looked inside the box to see that it contained the same amount that it had when I had picked it up, and I nodded as I realized I had an unlimited supply of them. I went to put them in my pocket, but paused as I realized that they were both filled with scrap and that the tiny explosives wouldn't fit.

'I guess this game doesn't have infinite pockets.' I thought to myself. I had no idea how to carry around the scrap I would need to craft the recipes I had found, but quickly thought of a solution. I emptied my pockets of scrap and closed my eyes as I focused. Around my neck, the Dragon's Heart glowed, and tendrils of pink light extended forth and wrapped around each piece of scrap and pulled them inside the gem, storing everything inside my necklace. I opened my eyes and summoned a random piece of scrap and put it back, doing it a few times to make sure I had the hang of my newfound storage space.

With that settled, I took a selfie with Craig and made sure Stripe was okay before I left the basement and looted his house. I didn't find much aside from some scrap, change, and a recipe for a Revive Potion, but when I went back down to the living room, his dad asked me, "Hey there, are you one of Craig's friends? You looking for Craig?"

He didn't give me a chance to respond before he got up and told me, "Me? Let's just say I'm an art collector, specializing in a delightfully modern and extremely confusing Asian art form, known as Yaoi." He gestured to two drawings of Tweek and Craig in anime style on the wall as he told me, "Crazy, right? But this stuff is worth a fortune to the right buyer. If in your adventures you find any of these, bring them to me. I will reward you handsomely." He then sat back down and resumed working on his ship in a bottle.

I left the house after that and received another FaceTime call from Cartman. "Not bad, New Kid, not bad. Way to go out and get some followers on Coonstagram. I think you're ready for the next level. COON OUT!" He told me before hanging up, and I saw that I had a mission to return to his basement. I then used a combination of a Snap N Pop and thrown fart to destroy the freezer door on a fridge in Craig's garage, looting the bag that dropped out for a recipe for a costume set. I then went into Henrietta Biggle's house next door. I went up to her room and saw that all of the Goths were there, and Pete told me that they were going to use a spell they saw online. I got the book they needed and lit their candles, but all that happened was that a chest appeared with a costume and a wig.

I took selfies with all four of the goths and looted the house. While I was doing so, I noticed a Yaoi picture on the dresser in the master bedroom, so I got it down with a Snap N Pop and left. While I was walking past Jimmy's house, I noticed a bunch of red Legos blocking his garage before getting a FaceTime call from Cartman, who told me, "STOP! New Kid, Stop! You see all those little red Lego bricks? That's lava. You try and cross lava, you die. Don't even touch it."

I looked to the bricks and saw that unlike the lava in the last game, these ones were glowing with heat, and occasionally let off tiny sparks. "Wait, this doesn't make sense… who would put lava there?" Cartman asked, and before I could respond, I got another call and a second window opened up to reveal Butters dressed in a tinfoil helmet and a blue costume. He laughed maniacally and told us, "TAKE THAT, COON FRIENDS!" My eyes widened as I asked in shock, "Butters?"

"Professor Chaos." Cartman muttered over the call, and Butters told us, "THAT'S RIGHT, COON! I have strategically placed lava throughout the town. I can't make it too easy for you. What good is the world without a little… CHAOS?" He got right up to the camera and laughed maniacally before telling someone off to the side to shut it off and he hung up. "We'll deal with Chaos when the time is right. For now, we have to keep our eyes on the prize. Coon. Out." Cartman told me, but I barely heard him as he hung up as well.

My mind was reeling as I walked past Jimmy's house and I thought to myself, 'Why would Butters be a villain? He's so… sweet and… kind. Why is he wearing tinfoil and babbling about chaos?' I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I didn't realize I had reached the sixth graders until I heard the leader telling the others that he had learned how to dance from Usher. I passed them without incident as I thought to myself, 'I'll ask Cartman when I get back to his place, and if I see Butters, I'll ask him too.'

With that settled, I entered Cartman's house and unlocked his basement door, then went down the stairs to see him staring at a big chalkboard wistfully. When he saw me approach, he told me, "Ah, there you are, Butthole." He came up to me and said, "Being a superhero is a little harder than you thought, huh? It's OK! You totally suck, but I can't help but feel sorry for you, because your dad fucked your mom when you were a child. Come this way."

He then led me over to a table near the back of the room, telling me, "I'm gonna teach you about Artifacts. You see, most superheroes augment their abilities with specialized equipment." He then opened a red box on the table and pulled out a fidget spinner, telling me, "You see this? It's a strength Artifact."

He then spun the fidget spinner and told me, "You'll find things like these all over town. The trick is to equip them onto your Artifact slots. Go on, give it a shot. They're on your belt." I looked down onto my belt and noticed for the first time that it had nine oddly-shaped slots on it, only one of which was currently available with the rest being blocked by tokens that prevented me from putting anything in the slots. I took the fidget spinner from Cartman and slid it into the slot I had, the Artifact having a special attachment to fit into, and got an alert on my phone that told me that my team's Might had increased from zero to fifteen, and that I got a little extra Critical Strike damage and Health Recovery.

Cartman told me, "You'll find more Artifacts out there during your superhero adventures. And you can even craft your own, but remember – with great power, comes great chicks and money." 'Well, he's not wrong.' I thought to myself. He then walked away from me, telling me, "I think you're ready to take on those sixth graders now. Go give 'em hell… ButtLord." I stopped him before he walked too far however, and said to him, "Cartman, wait."

"The Coon." He corrected me, and I rolled my eyes and asked, "Alright, The Coon, why was Butters wearing tinfoil and ranting about chaos?" Coon looked confused for a moment before he told me, "Butters – Oh! You mean Professor Chaos! Yeah, he's kind of like our main supervillain." "But why? Butters is the nicest person in town." I asked. Coon then shrugged and told me, "I don't know, he just showed up one day and wanted to be our villain. Now go get those sixth graders!" He then walked off, and I sighed as I realized I wouldn't be getting any more answers out of him.

I stopped at the Coon Store and bought a recipe for an Artifact called the Girding Chains along with the glue I needed to make it, and once I was finished crafting it with the Crafting app, it appeared in front of me and I saw that it was a sort of badge shaped like the picture that the Recipe showed, and that it had the same attachment as the fidget spinner that let it fit into the Artifact Slot on my belt. I then equipped the item, taking out the fidget spinner to do so. I saw in the Artifacts app that it gave me a lot of extra Knockback Combo damage and doubled my Might in addition to giving my stats a boost. I then sold the fidget spinner to the Coon Store and went back upstairs.

When I left the house, I saw that there was a flagpole in front of Coon's house, and went over to it and touched one of the lightning bolt shapes on it curiously. Instantly, the flag on it rose up and I got a FaceTime call from Jimmy, who told me, "Oh hey, New Kid, you've found your first Fast Travel Station! Look for more, they'll make your life way easier!" He then hung up.

I walked down the street to see that the sixth graders were trying to get a cat down from a tree, and that two of them were arguing about who got to throw a rock at it. I glared at them for a moment before noticing that one had a backpack full of fireworks, and that the ones arguing were standing right beside it. I took my Snap N Pops out of my pocket and threw one at the larger explosives, lighting the fuses and knocking the two over after a moment. I then walked over to the group and hit one that I had just blown up with the firecrackers.

The battle then started with me going first, and I saw that the two that I had hit with firecrackers not only had half health, but that they already had the Burning effect too. Super Craig and Human Kite came up on either side of me to assist with the battle, and I used Heat Wave on the one closest to me, knocking him back into one of his allies and doing damage to both of them.

One of them in the back moved forward two spaces without attacking, and another was defeated from Burning after he couldn't make any moves. The one I had hit moved up into my row and hit me three times, doing a moderate amount of damage. The last one then threw a yellow snowball at me, damaging me and giving me the Gross Out effect, making me queasy as a side effect. Human Kite moved into my row and used his Laser Burn against the one that had punched me, defeating him.

Super Craig then moved forward to use his Mega Fist Punch on the sixth grader in the top row, knocking him back and defeating him. I used Triple Burn on the remaining foe, damaging him and inflicting Burning before he took out a balloon and started peeing in it. Human Kite then used his Laser Burn to defeat him, and the battle ended with me gaining a small amount of change and a new Artifact that was just a leaf. I was just wondering how I would put it on my belt when a flash of light engulfed it. When it faded, the Artifact had been transfigured into another badge styled after the leaf it used to be, and I put it away in my necklace since it was inferior to the Girding Chains I already had.

I then got a FaceTime call from Coon, who told me, "Alright! That was sweet! Wait until it gets on the internet about how the Coon and Friends beat up four sixth graders! This is GREAT for our franchise! Kind of sucks for you though, New Kid, cuz now the Sixth Graders are gonna be coming after you. You probably shouldn't have done that. That was pretty stupid. OK, now go and get our franchise more followers!" He then hung up, and I growled in annoyance that he had set me up.

I moved on into Main Street and saw that a Chaos Minion had blocked the entrance into the bank with lava, so I went into Tom's Rhinoplasty and looted some containers before I sold Sharon the Armageddon Leaf I had gotten from the sixth graders, then took a selfie with her and got Yaoi picture from the back room. When I left the building, I got a FaceTime call from Coon, who said, "Whoa, wait a minute. You didn't fill out your Kryptonite. So, what, you're invincible? There's no way, that's against the rules." "Kinda new to the game, Coon." I told him, but he ignored me and said, "You have to have a weakness… Go find Mosquito, he can help you out. I'll put the rest of the character sheet stuff on your map." I then saw that I had a new mission to find Mosquito, who was apparently Clyde, along with two others to go talk to Mr. Mackey and Father Maxie. Coon then told me, "Now get out there and do some superhero missions. It's the only way to fill out your character sheet."

He then hung up and I activated the Fast Travel point on Main Street. Suddenly, a yellow and red blur stopped in front of me to reveal itself as Jimmy, who told me, "Congratulations, New Kid, your Fast Travel system is fully opera-, opera-, good to go. Find more stations to expand your network. And when you get in trouble, Fastpass will be there! Bye!" He then sped off again, and I saw that he was now a Combat Buddy.

I took a selfie with Wendy's mom in the building next to Tom's Rhinoplasty before I looted it, finding a Yaoi picture upstairs. I then went through the alleyway next to the D-Mobile store and found another vial of cat pee before I came out into the construction site where the mall was being rebuilt. I went down the street and past the weed store to Raisins, and when I approached the building, I got a FaceTime call from Coon, who told me, "That's Raisins, New Kid. Mosquito must be inside. Get in there but do not be tempted by their amazing wings and hot bitches." He then hung up, and I rolled my eyes as I thought to myself, 'I have a girlfriend, dumbass.'

I then went inside the restaurant, and one of the waitresses came up to me and greeted me with, "Hi, welcome to Raisins! Just one of you today?" "Actually, I'm looking for a friend. Clyde Donavan?" I asked her. She shrugged and told me, "Sorry cutie, haven't seen anyone here with that name. Here, I'll get you a table so you can wait for him."

She then led me over to a table near the back and once I had sat down, she told me, "One of our Raisins girls will be right with you." She then left me a menu and I looked around to see Clyde at a table with two Raisins girls on his arms. "Isn't he just the cutest thing?" One of them asked. "He sure can eat a lot of wings." The other commented. Clyde then laughed dazedly and told them, "Yeah, so then I flew up into the sky and beat up all the bad guys." "Wow! I didn't think mosquitoes could be so tough." One of them said. "Yeah, well ever heard of the Zika virus?" He asked them. Suddenly, the girl that had seated me came over to them and asked, "Another plate of wings, cutie?" "Sure, just put 'em on my tab." He told her. She commented on how he was a big spender before she left to go fill the order.

I face-palmed and went up to the three, and once Mosquito saw me approach, he told me, "Hey, beat it kid, these are MY women! What superhero are YOU?" He then got a shocked look on his face as he muttered, "Super… wait… oh my god! The mission! My fellow superheroes! I've completely forgot!" He then jumped down from the table, and as we walked towards the exit he told a girl holding a plate of wings, "Back away, temptresses! Mosquito knows what you are trying to do!"

In confusion, another one nearby asked him, "Uh, what are you talking about, kid?" He then turned to me and told me, "Raisins Girls are Mosquito's Kryptonite! You gotta get me outta here!" "Just pay your check and let's leave." I told him. Not hearing me, one of them came up with a receipt and told him, "Well, OK then, here's your bill." He then went up to her and snatched it out of her hands, telling her, "HA HA! I think not! You tried to CHARM me. I will not pay this bill!" "You have to leave a tip, asswipe!" One of the girls told him, and I told him in an exasperated tone, "Just pay the fucking bill, dude."

Ignoring me, Mosquito told me, "They aren't going to let us go without a fight, New Kid! Let's do this!" All of the Raisins girls then started closing in on us, and a battle started. One of them blew Mosquito a kiss to Charm him and make him fight for them, and he rushed at us with Zika Rush, hitting me and Super Craig and forcing us to advance one space each but thankfully not giving us any kind of disease. Fastpass hit Mosquito with Hit and Run to snap him out of it, and I used Heat Wave to knock one of the Raisins Girls back and deal some damage. Two more then scratched up mine and Super Craig's faces, and the fourth advanced forward one space without making any other moves.

Super Craig used his Mega Fist Punch to knock one of the girls into another, defeating the first and slightly damaging the second. The second girl moved forward one space, and Mosquito then went up to her and stuck her three times with his proboscis/plastic trumpet thing, using Bug Bite Barrage. Fastpass hit the one that had scratched me with Hit and Run, and I used Heat Wave to finish her off. One of the girls came up to him and elbowed him for some damage, and Super Craig skipped his turn since he couldn't do anything else.

Unfortunately, one of the other girls Charmed him, and he got a goofy look on his face. Mosquito then flew up and used his Ultimate Attack, releasing a huge swarm of insects, none of which were mosquitoes strangely enough. Unfortunately, he couldn't quite control where they went, but I used my fire abilities to burn away the ones that went after us. Fastpass charged forward into the last Raisins girl and forced her to move forward one space with Blind Side, and I used Heat Wave to finish her off.

Once the battle ended, Mosquito came up to me and said, "Come on, this is our chance!" The two of us then ran out of the restaurant, and once we had made our escape, he sighed and told me, "Those wenches are my Kryptonite! And you must have saved me just in time! I am forever in your debt Butt… Hero. What is YOUR Kryptonite?"

I wracked my brain to think of a possible weakness, and only one thing came to mind. "Monophobia." I told him. "Mono-whatia?" He asked me in confusion, and I explained to him, "Monophobia. It's basically a fear of being alone, but mine only flares up when it's dark out and I don't know where I am. But when it does, I completely fall apart."

Mosquito shrugged and remarked, "Well, it certainly seems to fit the criteria. I'll just enter this here…" He trailed off while typing on his phone, and I got an alert on mine. I saw that he had entered Monophobia as my Kryptonite in my character sheet, and he told me, "Great! Job done. Your Kryptonite is officially noted. Now Mosquito must be off! Call on me if you should need me, Coon Friend!" He then ran off while buzzing like a mosquito, and I saw that he was now a Combat Buddy before going back into Raisins.

When I walked in, some of the girls were putting on Band-Aids and sweeping up some of the debris that had gotten knocked around during our fight. I walked up to Mercedes, who seemed to be the de facto leader, and asked her, "Is everyone okay?" She looked to me and asked in an annoyed voice and asked, "What do you care?"

I raised my hands and told her, "Okay look, I'm sorry my friends and I beat you up. You just kind of came at us. Look, how much is his bill?" Mercedes exchanged a look with one of her coworkers and picked up the bill that Clyde had dropped, telling me, "Eighty-four dollars and nine cents." I pulled my wallet out of my pocket and got out some of the money I had made playing the Stick of Truth game, which Coon told me I couldn't use to buy anything in this game. I then paid the bill and left a generous tip for all of the girls that were waiting on him along with the ones we had beat up. Once the tab had been settled, I asked Mercedes, "So are we cool?"

"I guess so. Just make sure he doesn't pull this again." She told me, and I nodded and remarked, "Okay. But you should probably put up a 'Do Not Serve' sign or something." Mercedes said she would think about it before I looted the restaurant, gaining some scrap, change, and Clyde's garage key, then took a selfie with a kid who liked Blaster heroes before I left.

I then saw that I had gotten a message from Bebe on Coonstagram, so I decided to go talk to her to see if I could get some better clothes. On the way, I stopped at Unplanned Parenthood to get Grandad a condom and looted all of the containers and parking meters on Main Street. I also fought some of Butters' minions, who were waiting for me by Tom's Rhinoplasty.

I reached the South Park sign and took selfies with some people at the bus stop before heading down the street to the other side of the neighborhood, stopping to fight some sixth graders by Jimmy's house and looting along the way. I found a Yaoi picture along with an insect-themed costume in Clyde's garage, which I decided against putting on. After looting his house, I passed by Kevin Stoley's house since it was locked and came to Bebe's.

I went inside and up the stairs to her room, where I found her and Wendy sitting on her bed. "Dova!" Bebe exclaimed when she saw me, and jumped off of her bed to embrace me in a tight hug. Once we had separated, I quietly said to her, "I got your message on Coonstagram. You wanted to work on my costume?"

Bebe nodded and told me, "Yup! I've got just the thing for you." She then walked over to her desk and pulled out some Recipes for a pair of costume pieces called the Witch Suit and Witch Circlet and handed them to me. "Sorry, I didn't have time to make them before I messaged you. And you seriously needed a new costume." She told me.

Looking up at Sharon's bra on my head, I asked my girlfriend, "No arguments here. Can you help me get this off my head, by the way?" With her help, I got the garment untangled from my head, then crafted the Witch Suit and Circlet. I then stopped in her bathroom to change, unequipping the gloves from my Blaster armor and leaving my hands bare. "You look great!" Bebe told me once I came out. I blushed at her words and asked her, "Thanks. You really think so?"

Bebe hugged me and told me, "You're my girlfriend. Of course I think you look beautiful." We then separated and she commented, "But that outfit helps A LOT!" I then took selfies with her and Wendy, and after seeing that my Hero Rank had increased, I crafted an Artifact called the Divine Amplifier and equipped it. I then took a Yaoi picture but didn't loot Bebe's house otherwise and left.

I decided to go see Mr. Mackey since I was right down the street from the school and set off towards my next mission. I beat up some Chaos Minions that were waiting for me by the Community Center on the way and got a new Artifact, but it was weaker than the two I already had equipped. When I got to the school, I saw that there was a Fast Travel point there, so I activated it before going inside. I took selfies with Annie Nelson, Ashley, and Mr. Adler, then stopped in the cafeteria to take a selfie with Chef before I went to meet with Mr. Mackey.

When I entered Mr. Mackey's office, he looked up from some papers he was working on and greeted me with, "Oh hi, you're the New Kid, right?" Without giving me a chance to respond, he got up and sat down in the chair in front of his desk, telling me, "Oh, great, thanks for coming, have a seat."

I sat down in the chair facing him and he asked me, "As your counselor, you can talk to me about anything, mkay? Now, I understand you wanna talk about… sex?" 'What the hell did Cartman tell him?' I thought to myself as he continued, "Mkay, see, I'm highly trained in, uh, sex issues, mkay, and you don't have to be afraid." 'I don't like where this is going.' I thought to myself nervously. "Mkay, New Kid, it's, it's really simple when, uh, when you wanna talk about your sex, you simply, you can start by simply saying you know, I'm a boy, or I'm a girl, or other." He told me.

"Okay, I'm a girl." I told him awkwardly. Mr. Mackey got a shocked look on his face before he asked, "Uh, you're a girl? Mkay, we were all under the impression that uh… Can you hang on a minute I need to call your parents, mkay? This will just take a second." 'Dad's not gonna be happy about THAT.' I thought to myself as Mr. Mackey picked up the phone and called my house. Once someone picked up, he asked them, "Hello, this is Mr. Mackey, the school counselor. Yes, hi, uh, I have Dova here in my office and well, she has just let me know that… she's actually a girl."

After someone spoke on the other side of the phone for a minute, Mr. Mackey asked them, "Oh, you knew that? Mkay." 'Must've gotten Mom.' I thought to myself before he continued, saying, "Well, no, no, of course, it's fine, it's just – well, her Facebook says she's a boy and uh, uh-huh. Oh, okay, I see. So the whole Stick of Truth thing, she was actually a girl the whole time." Mom spoke on the other side of the phone for a few seconds before he told her, "Yeah, no, that's – that's, great to know. I think I can really maybe be of help from here on out. Thank you very much. Mkay, bye-bye, now, mkay."

He then hung up the phone and sat back down as he awkwardly told me, "Mkay. Well, this is a shocker, New Kid. Perhaps we should clarify exactly what you mean by…by girl." He then explained to me, "Now someone like your classmate Bebe, well, she's what we would call a cisgendered girl, mkay? Meaning she was born a girl. But there's also people in this world who identify as something 'different' than what they were born with, mkay? And we call those people transgendered." Finally, he asked me, "So, erm, do you identify as being cisgendered or transgendered?"

"Cisgendered." I told him, and he replied with, "Mkay, well, great! I mean, it would also be great if you weren't cis, but… Mkay!" I then got an alert on my phone and pulled it out to see that my character sheet had been updated to show me as a cisgendered girl, and Mr. Mackey told me, "Just… just be careful, mkay. 'Cause there's – there's a lot of people out there who don't accept you for what you are and you're going to have to deal with them, mkay. So, hmm… But, come see me anytime!"

I then left Mr. Mackey's office and saw that I had completed his quest. I decided to get the last one over with and left the school to go to the church, but the minute I stepped outside, a rusty truck with three rednecks pulled up, and the one driving remarked, "Well, well, well… if it ain't a cisgendered girl!" The three of them climbed out and one of them commented, "We don't take kindly to your types around here."

"Let's welcome this THING to our town." The last one said, and a battle began, Fastpass, Super Craig and Human Kite showing up to help me. Fastpass had the first turn, and he started off by hitting the one with no shirt from a space away, using his Hit and Run to damage him. Another one then hit Super Craig with a beer bottle, and I used Heat Wave to damage the one in front of me and knock him back into the truck. In retaliation, he kicked me three times in order to deal some damage. The one in plaid then threw a can of beer at Human Kite. He used Laser Burn in retaliation, taking away almost half his Health with the move. Super Craig then used Mega Fist Punch to knock the one that had hit him back and deal a massive amount of damage to him.

Fastpass used Hit and Run on the one in front of me again, almost defeating him before his ally went up to Super Craig and hit him with a beer bottle again. I used Heat Wave once more to dispatch the redneck in front of me, and the third redneck threw another beer can at Human Kite. Kite then hit him with Laser Burn, defeating him. Super Craig used his Ultimate to defeat the last one, and the battle ended with me receiving some change and a new Artifact.

'Man, these guys will use ANY excuse to beat someone up.' I thought as I looked down at the fallen rednecks. I then got a FaceTime call from Coon, who told me, "Hey ButtHole, you're doing great. Really quality character-sheet stuff happening here. I've got a super secret mission for you. Head over to the new taco shop on Main Street and… buy me a taco. COON OUT." He then hung up before I could refuse, and I sighed as I saw a new mission appear in my Map.

I hit a snowman and took its hat before going up the dirt road to the church, activating the Fast Travel point and looting a duffel bag before I went inside. I walked up the main aisle as Father Maxi told me, "Hello, New Child! I haven't seen you before. But you've come at a crucial time. South Park is sliding into moral decline! Someone's stealing our cats! They're TPing houses!" 'Does he know something about the missing cats? I should talk to him about it once I finish this mission.' I thought to myself, and he continued, "OK, maybe it's not full-on Armageddon yet, but we do need a hero. Not to make the hard sell, but… do you see yourself as a good person?"

"Well, I saved the town from Nazi Zombies." I pointed out, and he told me, "Yes, that was very valiant of you, my child. But good actions and being a good person are very different. I can understand the confusion. But there comes a time when we need to choose our path. Will you find Jesus and take the righteous path? Or maybe you'll walk the middle way. Let's not talk about the third alternative – I'm hoping you're part of the solution, not the problem."

He then walked over to the door on the left and opened it, telling me, "Take the first step, my child, by entering this meditative chamber which will allow you to confront your deepest fears… Face your fears, New Child. Face your fears!" I walked through the door and he shut it behind me, leaving the lights off. 'If this is supposed to make me face my Monophobia, he's doing a pretty good job so far.' I thought to myself nervously.

Suddenly, I heard Coon's voice echo throughout the room, saying, "Your dad fucked your mom…" Mosquito's voice soon followed it, asking, "You're afraid of being alone and lost while it's dark?" I then saw an alien walk across my field of vision, mooing before it disappeared. I was starting to get seriously weirded out before a priest came up on my right side and said, "Oh hey, I am in your imagination; just a friendly Catholic priest who would like to get to know you a little better."

The tent in his pants wasn't lost on me however, and I backed away from him before another one came up on my left side and told me, "Yeah, that's right, I'm totally in your imagination too, about to give you a shoulder rub… Ever imagine you'd feel something like this?" He bent down to rub my shoulders, and I felt him press his crotch into the back of my head before the first one said, "Lemme adjust the lighting in here a bit so we can get some visuals with that." I then thought to myself, 'Oh hell no, fuck the game, I'm putting a stop this right fucking now.'

The Dragon's Heart glowed with pink light around my neck, and I reared my fists back as two huge fists of pink energy appeared behind the two perverts. I punched both of my fists forward and the energy hands mirrored my movements, striking the priests and sending them crashing into the back wall, where they fell unconscious. I blinked as my head spun a little bit since I still wasn't used to using my energy powers yet. I then took some change along with a new costume and gloves and a new Artifact from the fallen foes before Father Maxi burst in, and upon seeing the two unconscious priests, he muttered to himself, "Oh for the father's sake, I can't leave those two alone for five seconds!"

He then turned to me and asked, "Are you alright, my child?" I nodded and told him, "Yup, just a little woozy." Seeing the glow on my necklace just starting to fade, he said, "Ah, you are an energy manipulator. Well regardless, I'm so sorry this happened. Here, a rabbi friend gave me these macaroni pictures. You can use them to call on Moses to heal you and your friends should you need it." He then handed me five sheets of paper that had macaroni glued on them in the shape of Stars of David, and I put them in my necklace as he told me, "I'll call the authorities to come pick these two up. In the meantime, let me know if I can be of help."

"Actually, I was wondering if you knew anything about the missing cats." I told him, and he told me, "Ah, yes. I've had a few gentlemen in confessional lately talk about cats. They were speaking Spanish, so I couldn't understand them, but they were talking about 'los pobres gatos' a lot." "'The poor cats.'" I muttered to myself. "Thank you Father Maxi, I'll see you around." I told him.

Before I left the room however, Father Maxi told me, "Hang on, my child." I turned back to him and he told me, "New Child, I may not know much about your kind or what you can do, but I do know that you were given this gift for a reason. Use it well, my child." I nodded back to him with a slight smile on my face, not noticing until I had left the room that there was a Yaoi picture on the wall. I compared the Purity Bond artifact I had gotten to my existing ones and used it to replace the Divine Amplifier before I got the password for the door I had just been in from Maxie's office, then took the Yaoi picture off of the wall and took a selfie with Father Maxie. I replaced my Girding Chains Artifact with one I got in the locked room called the Amulet of Contemplation, then equipped the Heavenly Gloves I had gotten and dyed them red to match the rest of my costume before I left the church.

I opened my Map to see that the new taco place was down on Main Street, so I set off, looting containers and grabbing a Yaoi picture off of the bulletin board in front of the city hall along the way. When I got to the stage at the Town Square, there were a bunch of sixth graders waiting for me, so I lit their fireworks with a Snap N Pop before defeating them. I then looted the pair of containers that were there before moving on. I grabbed another Yaoi picture from the building between Unplanned Parenthood and the Post Office along with one in Sloppy 2nds before I finally reached the new taco place, which was called Freeman's Tacos.

When I walked inside, I saw Morgan Freeman standing at the counter, and he told me, "Welcome to Freeman's Tacos… If there's anything I can interest you in, well… you just let me know." I stared at him awkwardly for a moment before I told him, "Um, I'm here to pick up an order for Eric Cartman. It might be under 'The Coon.'"

"Ah, yes." He told me, then grabbed a bag out of a clear display box behind him that read 'T. Coon.' He handed it to me and I paid for the order, which thankfully wasn't too much given Cartman's eating habits, and told him, "Thanks."

Before I left however, he told me, "Hang on a second." I turned back to him and he closed his eyes for a second, then opened them and told me, "Yes, you do indeed have the gift. Come up here, New Kid, I want to teach you something." I awkwardly walked up to the counter and he asked me, "You see, Freeman's Tacos is completely 'craft your own.' You… know what crafting is, don't you?" I nodded to him and he told me, "Good. Now, I want you to Craft a Burrito. Just take an ordinary Tortilla and mix it with… oh, any old thing, so long as it's edible."

I took a Tortilla out of my necklace and mixed it with some of the better-quality food scrap I had accumulated to make a Burrito out of them. Once I was finished, I showed it to him and he nodded before taking an enchilada from somewhere behind him and telling me, "Good. Now, take this enchilada and combine it with that Burrito."

I took the enchilada and dismantled my Burrito before placing it inside and redoing it, then covering the Burrito with enchilada sauce. Morgan Freeman nodded and told me, "Yes, very nice. A fine Enchirito. You're probably wondering why I've had you do this." I nodded and he explained to me, "You see New Kid, a lot of people don't know that I have an incredible amount of control of my anal muscles. I can do incredible things with my ass, things that would boggle your tiny mind, and I've been looking for someone to pass my secrets on to in my old age. That someone… is you. When I first saw you, I knew that you had the same control over your ass as I do mine. Now go New Kid, and eat that Enchirito when the time is right."

I nodded to him awkwardly as a new freckle appeared on his face with a twinkle and I put the Enchirito in the Dragon's Heart, and he gave me a few Crafting Recipes before I took a Yaoi picture out of the bathroom and left. Once I was outside, I got a FaceTime call from Cartman, who told me, "New Kid, you've done a decent job so far. Come back to the Coon Lair. I think we should advance your character. COON OUT!" I decided to do some Crafting before I went back to the Coon lair, so I made some Macaroni Pictures and Revive Serums before I used the Fast Travel station to get back to Cartman's House.

When I got to Cartman's basement, I went up to where he was sitting and handed him the bag, telling him, "Here's your taco. You owe me three bucks." He then opened the bag and told me to take a seat, and he put the bag under the table before he asked me, "All right, well… How's it going out there?" "Not bad. I think I even have a lead on the missing cats." I told him. He ignored me however, and told me, "Okay, good talk. Well, listen, I think you showed you've got some potential… Aand uh, I think we're going to upgrade you to… somebody's sidekick or something. Congratulations."

I stared at him for a moment as I thought to myself, 'Wait, if becoming a sidekick is an upgrade, what was I before?' He then continued, telling me, "I just maybe wanna talk about your superhero character a little bit. Um, your character… sucks, to be honest, and… I think I'm gonna let you dual class. Let's pick a new ability to add." He then got out his iPad and showed me the class screen again, but this time there were three new classes, and I decided to choose Elementalist since I didn't want to be half-robot and was trying to train my voice without using telepathy. When I had made my selection, Coon told me, "OK, I think those two will go nicely together. But now we're gonna need to change your backstory too. So let's go back again to that fateful night… Back when you were little…"

'Thank goodness.' I thought to myself, and Coon took out another comic to reveal that my backstory was pretty much exactly the same except with me using Elementalist powers and having a baby added. When he got to the final scene, Coon narrated, "And so you beat them! You swept the baby up in your arms to take him somewhere safe and then THAT'S WHEN THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED! You saw your dad… fuck your mom. And from then on you had to live with the fact that, because you were busy helping a baby, you couldn't stop your mom from being fucked by your dad."

I got an even stronger sense of déjà vu than last time, as if I had actually been through what he had narrated but couldn't remember it, but before I could wonder about it, Coon put his comic away and told me, "That's heavy, man. I'm really sorry. I know you probably want to know why – why your dad fucked your mom. But those are answers you'll have to find for yourself."

Just then, red lights came on and an alarm sounded out throughout the room. "Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert! Seriously, you guys. Alert. Alert." Came over the speakers Coon had installed, and Coon himself exclaimed, "It's a Coon and Friends alert!" He then got up and walked over to his fake computer where Human Kite was on FaceTime, and asked, "This is Coon, what's happening?"

Kite responded, "It's the Freedom Pals!" "What have they done?" Coon asked, and Kite told him, "Just get to Main Street! HURRY!" "We're coming! COON! OUT!" Coon exclaimed, and he turned to me and told me, "Well, New Kid, looks like you might be needing those newfound powers. FOLLOW ME! And don't forget to download the Powers app." He then ran out of the basement and I downloaded the app he told me about, which apparently let me change my attacks at will. I replaced my Blaster Ultimate with the one from the Elementalist class, and then replaced Plasma Beam with Sand Trap. I followed Coon out of the basement and out into his house, and he told me, "No time to waste, Butthole!"

He then went out his front door with me in tow, and once we reached his front yard, he told me, "This way, Butthole, towards the bus stop! It's the quickest route!" While we ran past Butters' house, he told me, "My Coon Sense is on fire! Freedom Pals are on the move! A confrontation is brewing." When we reached the end of the street, Coon stopped and told me, "Yes… this way… keep going… towards the bus stop… Man, escort missions are the worst." "No one's making you escort me, Coon." I pointed out before we kept moving.

When we reached the South Park sign, Coon climbed on top of it and told me, "So close… Head towards Main Street, Butthole! And gird your loins for battle." I then walked past him and up onto Main Street, where I saw Craig and Tweek arguing. "We were supposed to be a duo remember, Tweek?" Craig asked. "Yeah, I remember! So, when I walked out on Coon and Friends, you should've walked out with me!" Tweek retorted. "I like Coon and Friends!" Super Craig told him. "Because you had your own movies!" Tweek argued.

As I walked up to the them, I saw that Human Kite and Coon were on either side of Super Craig, and that standing behind Tweek were Timmy, Token, who was wearing a bunch of Tupperware containers, and someone I didn't recognize who was wearing a hood with a question mark on it and a dark costume that had an M on the chest along with a pair of briefs that he was wearing on the outside of his pants. When he saw me approach, Kite told me, "New Kid, thank God you're here. They're really going at it." Immediately after, Super Craig told his ex-boyfriend, "Super Craig had to have movies before Wonder Tweek was introduced. It made no sense otherwise." "Your whole group makes no sense!" Tweek told him in an exasperated tone. 'He's got us there.' I thought to myself.

"Because you're a traitor, Tweek, and now you're with a group of super traitors!" Coon told him. Suddenly, the mystery hero pointed out, "This was started by you! By people who thought there should be preferential treatment to certain heroes." I raised my eyebrow at the mystery hero's voice. It was gruff, but not overly gruff, as if the person had a high-pitched voice but was trying to make it sound really deep.

"We aren't the ones who walked out of the fucking franchise, Mysterion!" Coon told him angrily, and I made a note of Mysterion's name. Suddenly, Timmy rolled forward and put his finger to his temple while he got a focused look on his face, and I heard a voice echo throughout my head, saying, "Eric… you must listen to me. Right now I am speaking to you telepathically." "Get out of my head, Timmy." Coon told him.

Timmy did no such thing however, and continued, "Your franchise is going nowhere. Face the truth, Eric. You guys are kind of douchebags." I stifled a giggle as he dropped his focused expression and Coon told the rest of us, "He just called us douchebags, in my mind." "He did?!" Human Kite exclaimed, and I realized that the others hadn't been able to hear Timmy. "All right you son of a bitch! Aragh!" Coon told Timmy before he leaped at him.

Suddenly, Timmy put his finger to his temple again and teleported, appearing down the street as Coon yelled, "Motherfucker! Coon Friends, deal with these assholes!" He then ran off after Timmy, leaving us to fight the others. Fastpass zoomed in to join the fight as we all took our places in a combat grid. He had the first turn, so he used Hit and Run to damage Mysterion before Wonder Tweek shot lightning at him and Super Craig.

I used my new Sand Trap ability to damage all three of them at once, using dirt from the street and sidewalk to shoot earth up from their feet. Human Kite then shot Mysterion with Laser Burn, who defeated Fastpass with a four-punch combo attack. Just then, a car honked its horn at us, and we all got out of the street as it passed. Now three on three, the battle continued with Super Craig using Mega Fist Punch to knock Token back and deal some damage. Token then switched places with Mysterion and got some Protection before Wonder Tweek used an ice attack to Chill me, forcing me to skip my turn.

Human Kite used Laser Burn to destroy Token's protection and deal a minor amount of damage, and Mysterion went up to him and transformed into shadows somehow, then reappeared behind him and kicked him, forcing him to move forward a space. Craig then went up to Wonder Tweek and used his Mega Fist Punch to damage his ex. Token then spun around as blue cubes of energy appeared around him, almost defeating Human Kite.

Wonder Tweek then shot lightning at the three of us, Shocking us and dealing some damage. I used my turn to revive Fastpass, who moved into the row above Human Kite. I then let out a burst of electricity from my Shock effect, doing some damage to me and defeating Human Kite. Fastpass then moved down into the space Kite had left and used his Ultimate to defeat Mysterion and damage Token, giving the boy dressed in plastic Burning as well. Super Craig then used Mega Fist Punch to reduce Wonder Tweek's Health to almost nothing before Token used his spinning attack to defeat Fastpass again before he himself was defeated from Burning. Tweek couldn't make any moves, so he skipped his turn, and I ended the battle with Triple Burn.

I received a new mask and some junk and change from the fight, and Human Kite told me, "Good job, New Kid. You're really getting the hang of this." Super Craig then looked around and asked us, "Hey wait, what about Coon?" "He went off to fight Timmy, remember?" I pointed out, and Kite muttered, "Oh shit, come on!" The four of plus Mosquito, who had been conveniently absent from the fight, then ran off in the direction he had gone.

When we reached the alley Coon and Timmy had gone down, we saw Coon just picking himself up off of the ground, and as we approached, Mosquito asked him, "Coon, what happened?!" Not seeing the wheelchair-bound boy, Kite asked him, "Timmy got away?!" Coon panted as he told us, "He – He completely raped my mind."

"You OK?" Fastpass asked him, and Coon told us, "No seriously, you guys, he fucked the shit out of my brains." 'Ok, so Timmy messed with his head while we were fighting?' I thought to myself as Coon continued "Ah… I grabbed him, we fought for a little bit, but his mental powers are too strong." "So we did all that for nothing?" Mosquito asked with despair.

"Not quite." Coon pointed out, then pulled an iPhone out of his pocket and told us, "I got Timmy's cell phone." "You did?" Super Craig asked. "There's sure to be a lead on that!" Mosquito exclaimed, then Human Kite told us, "Let's get this back to base! Super Craig can analyze it!" All of them then ran off in the direction of Cartman's house.

I was about to follow them when I received a FaceTime call from someone I recognized as one of the Mayor's assistants, who told me, "Uh hello, is this the little superhero who's getting all the followers on Coonstagram? Your presence is requested at City Hall. The Mayor of South Park wishes to speak with you. Don't make her wait." He then hung up, and I thought to myself, 'Ah fuck. Oh well, it can't be anything bad, or else I'd be getting called to the police station instead of City Hall.'

I walked down to City Hall and went inside to the Mayor's office, and when she saw me approach, she told me, "Hello, young person. I'm the Mayor of South Park. You must be very excited to be here." Without waiting for a response, she continued, "Well… all right, look… You might be able to help me." "Let me guess, you want me to get rid of more homeless people?" I asked her, and she waved her hand and told me, "Not this time. This time, it's something much… much deeper."

"This new 'crime wave' in town. It isn't a coincidence. Some group or someone is trying to make me look bad." She explained to me as she got up from her chair, and as she looked out the window, she told me, "The more crime goes up, the more people start calling for my head. Whoever is behind this wants to see me get replaced. I need people like you." She then turned back to me and requested, "Please, find out who is behind the crime wave in our town. My political life depends on it."

She then sat back down in her chair, and I took selfies with her and her assistants before I looted her office, finding a Yaoi picture and a new Artifact before I left. I took the Fast Travel station on Main Street back to Cartman's house and went down to his basement to see Super Craig inspecting Timmy's phone under a microscope with all of the others standing around him.

As I approached, Coon asked the boy with the terrible costume, "Well, what have you found Super Craig?" In response, Super Craig told him, "Timmy's phone has a bunch of notes on it. Something about a girl who has information about all the criminal activity in town." "What girl?!" Coon asked, and Super Craig told him, "It just says 'find the girl with the dick tattoo'."

I quickly ruled out all of the girls in our class, since I knew from Bebe's "special" sleepovers that none of them had any tattoos. "What girl in town has a dick tattoo?" Mosquito wondered out loud, and Coon told him, "I don't know Mosquito, but the Freedom Pals must think SHE'S the key to finding the missing cat…"

Human Kite turned around and muttered, "If the Freedom Pals find her before we do they'll get the hundred dollar reward." "We cannot let that happen. We have to stop the Freedom Pals from having a sweet franchise. At all cost." Coon told us. Fastpass pointed out, "Then we have to find the girl with that tattoo TONIGHT."

"Fastpass is right. We all have to sneak out of our houses tonight and search the entire town." Super Craig said. Human Kite then asked me, "What do you say, New Kid, are you up for it?" I figured they weren't going to give me a choice either way, so I nodded with determination, but regardless, Mosquito told me, "Look, if you want to be a COON FRIEND, you have to learn to communicate!" "I nodded, Mosquito, I'm saying yes." I told him.

"Yeah! Who let her join us, anyway?!" Super Craig pointed out, and I sighed as I thought to myself, 'I can finally talk and everyone just fucking ignores me.' Coon then told the others, "Go easy on her, you guys. She's had a tough life. When she was six years old… her dad fucked her mom."

With an incredulous look on his face, Human Kite asked him, "What?" "I'm sorry, friend, but it's time they learned your tragic backstory." Coon told me. "Butthole doesn't trust anyone because her dad fucked her mom and she couldn't do anything to stop it." He explained to them. "That doesn't make any sense!" Human Kite told him after sharing a look with the others. Not getting the point, Coon muttered, "I know. How could the person you trust do that to the only other person you love?"

With an exasperated tone, Human Kite told him, "Cartman, everyone's dad fucked everyone's mom." "Hah?" Coon asked, and Kite told him, "That's how it works, stupid! Our dads fucked our moms!" With disbelief in his voice, Coon asked, "Oh right! Does that mean your dad fucked your mom, Kyle?! Huh?!"

"YES! My dad fucked my mom! That's why I'M HERE!" Human Kite told him. Misunderstanding him, Coon told him, "Don't steal her backstory dude, that's not cool." Human Kite then yelled at him, "YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID! EVERY HUMAN ALIVE. ON EARTH. HAD A DAD WHO FUCKED THEIR MOM AND-" Suddenly, Mosquito interrupted him and pointed out, "STOP! STOP! THIS IS NOT WHAT'S IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW! We need to find the lady with the dick tattoo."

"Yeah let's get home, so we can prepare for evening missions." Super Craig told us. "Let's go, Coon Friends!" Fastpass exclaimed. "He's such a fucking idiot!" Kite exclaimed as he left, and Super Craig told him, "It's OK, calm down." Coon then came up to me and told me, "I'm afraid you'll have to deal with that kind of bigotry your whole life, Butthole. When people don't understand, they lash out. I'm going to let you be a sidekick tonight to one of the Coon Friends. Go home and sneak out after your parents are asleep. I'll fill you in later."

I decided to change out of my costume, and spun around in a circle as I focused on my clothes. In a whirlwind of pink energy, my clothes were absorbed into the Dragon's Heart and my purple shirt and dark blue pants appeared on me. I then sold all of the inferior Artifacts I had at the Coon Store and bought a Recipe for one called the Idol of Vitality, which I then crafted and used to replace my Purity Bond, which I also sold.

With that done, I went home to get ready for tonight's mission, but when I walked in the door, I saw my parents arguing again, and Dad said to Mom, "What are you doing even talking to the school counselor?! Why'd you answer the phone?!" 'Great, the weed's made him paranoid again.' I thought to myself as Mom asked him incredulously, "Have you lost your fucking mind?! Dova felt the need to go talk to the school counselor. Doesn't that bother you at all?!" "So you told him the truth?!" Dad asked.

"Yes, I said she's a girl. Which, by the way, YOU didn't know her well enough to realize for TEN YEARS!" She replied. "You dumb bitch – you'll ruin everything!" Dad told her. "I don't have to listen to this from a stoned out POT HEAD! I need a drink!" She retorted, muttering the last sentence to herself. "Sure, drown your problems in Chardonnay, you stupid skank – oh hey, whippersnapper!" Dad mocked her before noticing me.

The both of them walked towards me as Mom asked me, "Have a fun day out playing?" 'I was.' I thought to myself before Dad awkwardly told me, "Ah ha aha! Well, I'm exhausted. Gonna get ready for bed." "Dinner's on the table if you want it, punk. But then straight to bed, OK? Pot head." Mom told me, directing the last sentence at Dad, who retorted, "Alcoholic!" As the both of them walked up the stairs.

I sighed at their childish antics before I sat down at the table and picked at my food, not able to eat more than a bite before I lost my appetite and followed my parents upstairs. I peeped through Mom and Dad's keyhole to see Mom crying on the bed drinking wine and Dad eating another pot brownie. 'I can't deal with this right now.' I thought to myself as I stepped back, then entered my room and took the rewards Craig's dad and other people had given me from my trunk before getting under the covers, figuring I might as well try to get some sleep before my night mission.

Suddenly, Mom opened the door with a bottle of wine in one hand and a glass half-full of the same alcohol in the other. "Sweetie… I just want you to know that… whatever happens… Mommy always loves you." She slurred out before turning off the lights and going back to her room. I took my glasses off and put them on the nightstand, then closed my eyes to try and get some sleep as I thought to myself, 'Well, at least she's making an effort. Dad barely does that when he's sober.'

And there's the chapter. I would like to take this chance to say that I'm sorry about not updating Under the Moonlight in a while. I've been playing TFBW and working on this, but once this story is done, I'll go back to working on Under the Moonlight. Let me know if you liked it and feel free to let me know if I made any errors or to offer suggestions, but as usual, no flames!