Spoilers: Mass Effect 1 and 2 (Not the final mission of 2)

(Shepard is a renegade, but can exhibit paragon actions with those close to her. Please give me some commentary if you have any, I've never uploaded any of my Mass Effect stories before or any fanfiction for that matter, I'm a comic book writer, but finally got the courage to share this. I'm going to be working on this to keep me creatively fresh for my comics, and I do have a finished copy that I will be uploading piece by piece as I edit so expect this story to be completed!)

And It All Seemed Harmless: Chapter 1

She hadn't been in a place like this in a while, but I guess the same could be said for her state of mind as well. The bar was dimly lit, an atmosphere she felt strangely comfortable in, and filled with so many people that no one even noticed the dead Spectre making her way to a seat at the end of the bar. Though a few glances stayed on her for a few moments, scrutinizing her because "I know that girl from somewhere," the alcohol flowing through the room was extremely helpful in suppressing memory of the hero of the Citadel, and the only glances that stayed too long were just appreciating her attractiveness. She sat down in front of the bartender, arms crossed and a scowl set on her face to keep away all that could be unfortunate enough to try and offer to buy her a drink at the moment. She could buy her own fucking drink and she intended to get one. Hell at least one.

When was the last time she had needed a drink like this? The first example to come to mind had been two years ago, when Udina and the Council had grounded the Normandy, ignoring her dire warnings that the entire fate of the galaxy hung in the balance if those assholes wouldn't let her board her own fucking ship and go get him. No amount of threatening and arguing had worked, and she had boarded the Normandy severely needing a drink, but even her own locker that could supply that drink wouldn't open due to the grounding. She remembered swearing at it, even taking a swing at it before she had given up, her hand bleeding and head burning. At that moment, she remembered again how much she hated being the Commander. She was a soldier, good at ending lives and keeping her own, but she had never been enough to be a Commander. Not enough to make the Council listen, not enough to get her ship moving, and not enough to save Kaidan.

Kaidan. The events on Virmire were still fresh in her memory, and with every replay, she had hated herself a bit more. If she had just been a little bit faster... if she hadn't left him with the bomb... if she hadn't abandoned him and flown away…. safe while he made the sacrifice she should've made… She remembered being overwhelmed, punished by her own thoughts and badly needing a drink just to forget all that had happened and what could happen… But she hadn't gotten one that day. Because Liara had found her.

Liara. She shook her head violently, ignoring the amused look of the bartender before her. Liara had always made her feel like more, like one of those lucky soldiers that had someone or something to come home to when their job was done. Shepard had never pictured herself being so lucky, but Liara had given her hope for something other than dying on a battlefield someday, doing her job until she couldn't anymore. She could see herself having a family with Liara, being somebody other than the killing machine she had defined herself as since she was a teenager. Listening to her stories of Akuze and her time on Earth, the asari had never judged Shepard or seen her as the murderer Shepard felt to be, she saw her as more. And I fucking believed her. What a mistake.

Shepard sighed. She had to stop thinking about Liara. The asari had made it very clear a few weeks ago that she was no longer in love with the Spectre. She wouldn't be there this time. She wasn't there today...

"The square root of 906.01 equals 30.1, and it all seemed harmless."

Shepard had done everything. Tried everything. I even hacked those fucking consoles for her she thought ruefully. In Liara's eyes, she had been demoted to a Spectre status that she could use, nothing more.

Dammit. I hate her for kissing me, for making me believe when I first saw her that things were going to be okay for the first time since I died. She probably just did that so I would stick around and run her errands. Fuck, I thought she cared more. But apparently she hadn't.

Since their reunitement, she had been cold and impersonal with her former lover, only ever speaking to her when she needed something in her all-important quest to murder the Shadow Broker. Shepard hated it. Hated that she would run Liara's errands even when the asari treated her like nothing more than hired help. But despite all this, she had held out hope to the end that Liara would talk to her and tell her everything. Why she was after the broker, what she had done in the last two years, and why she wouldn't even acknowledge that the woman before her had once shared her bed and not just information on the Broker.

After Nyxeris had been killed, the Spectre had hoped Liara would at least acknowledge their relationship, but she hadn't and even after the soldier had pushed, she had just been met with the same lame excuse that she "Didn't want to drag the Commander into her politics."

In retrospect, hearing that again had probably been what had made Shepard lose it, slamming her fists on the desk and stepping forward with a fury few had ever been so unfortunate to see. Both Jacob and Miranda, her current squad, had been a bit taken aback by the action and both had started to try and calm the Spectre down but Shepard would have none of it. She cut them off, looking into Liara's eyes and asking a question she wasn't sure she wanted the answer to.

"Are you done?"

"What?"

"Are you done using me so I can go?"

"Shepard. I was not using you."

"Oh really? Okay then, so did you just fucking forget everything that happened between us or have you always treated me this way and I've just been too stupid to notice."

"Shepard that's not..."

"Fair?" growled the Spectre, not allowing the asari to continue. "None of this fair. I fucking died and instead of being happy to see me back, you've treated me like a recovered resource. Like a piece of trash you can use and throw away after I've done all the hacking you can't do. So tell me Information Broker T'Soni, are you done?"

Liara had stepped forward over her desk, meeting Shepard's eyes in a confident action Shepard wasn't entirely used to from her. She had never been able to intimidate Liara, but at the moment, Liara was intimidating her a bit.

"This is hardly the time to have this conversation Shepard. Should I remind you we are not alone? Or do you need reminding that besides the Cerberus personnel in the room, Illium is hardly a place of privacy." she whispered harshly.

"I don't care about privacy, I care about you. If we can't have this talk in private on Illium and you won't leave, then what the fuck am I supposed to do? I'd rather have someone hear this talk than not have it."

Liara's confidence lessened and it was obvious she had no excuse to dispute the Spectre's last point, which gave Shepard the confidence to keep going after the asari's lame argument.

"Why the fuck do you even need privacy T'Soni? You ashamed of what you did? Ashamed of what we were?"

"Shepard. That is over the line, you know I wouldn't..."

"Wouldn't what? Wouldn't want somebody to know that you fucked me?"

"Shepard!"

Shepard had glared at her, the anger subsiding for a few tense moments of neither of them knowing what to say, until Jacob broke the silence.

"Um, Commander. Would you, you know, like a moment? In private..."

Shepard stood up, taking a step back from the asari's desk and crossing her arms defensively. She had completely forgotten they had been in the room. Not that she cared of course, she didn't care who knew that she had slept with Liara. She had bigger problems. So, taking a a deep breath to still herself, she had looked into the asari's eyes one last time, praying she would be able to hold it together no matter what she said.

"Would it matter?" She said softly, the implications of the statement effectively digging Shepard's grave. Liara had shaken her head, answering everything for the Commander in a simple gesture. And then there had been nothing to do but leave. Her squad trailing behind her in silence.

They had left Illium after that. Shepard had already recruited her Justicar and Assassin, she had no reason to stay. The Commander had a job to do, and that's exactly what she did. Emotionless as a mech, she just did her job. She no longer allowed herself to get caught up in impossible hopeless fantasies involving a certain asari anymore, and the only consolation she had at the end of the day, when all of it caught up with her, was that she was doing what was right for the galaxy. Making it safer for humanity. Making it safer for that asari she couldn't think about.

Or at least, that's what she had been able to tell herself. In even the toughest decisions, the end would always justify the means if that end meant a safer galaxy for her love. If the end meant a better galaxy for anyone. But Shepard had a limit as to what could be sacrificed under the label of the means, Cerburus didn't. And today, she had come face to face with her own definition of way too far, and Cerberus' definition of a necessary sacrifice. Seeing Daniel... meeting Archer... the man so fearful of the Illusive man, that he would sacrifice the happiness of his own brother for success...she honestly couldn't believe that any project the Illusive Man's cigarette had dripped on had even a fiber of righteousness in it. Not Overlord, not Pragia, not even her own life...

"You gonna order or just stare at the kiosk kid?" The bartender's gruff voice dragged Shepard from her thoughts, and she looked threateningly at the purplish asari before her. The asari only continued. "I've never seen someone look at something besides a stripper's rack that intensely before, you must be thinking about something else. Or at least I hope." she drawled with a chuckled.

Shepard's only response was a continued glare.

"Oh stop trying to look threatening, a few minutes ago you looked like you were on the verge of breaking down. Just trying to lighten the mood kid. Lemme guess, your boyfriend cheat on you?"

Shepard grimaced. She hadn't even considered that there might be someone else, but then again, two years was a long time...

"Not a boyfriend and I just want a drink." She finally said after desperately trying to get the thought of Liara with anybody else out of her mind for a few seconds.

"So a girlfriend eh? Heard that's uncommon among your species. Good for you, girls are a much better fuck."

"I didn't say it had to do with anybody. I just want a fucking drink."

"Fine, have it your way. What'll it be kid?"

"Surprise me." She responded flatly. She didn't care, she just wanted alcohol. The cost or taste was not important.

"I have something that'll really knock you on your ass if you want it. Doesn't have a name but it's from the Traverse. Rumor is a group of specifically-adapted Vorcha make it, only trouble is you don't truly know what those fuckers put in it."

"Just make it."

Aethyta was silent as she made the drink, and Shepard said a silent prayer of thanks to whatever unseen force had been so kind as to finally shut her up, but the second the drink was before her, her luck ran out.

"Well, seems like you're having a rough night kid and drinking's great and all, but if you want a cheaper way to forget whatever the fuck is going on with your head, go get laid."

Shepard nearly choked on her drink, but the asari didn't seem to notice.

"Lemme tell you, I can read everyone in this bar. Been doing it long enough, and there are more than a few people interested in getting your pants tonight. If you want to go down that road of course. I'm not offering it tonight though. Just cleaned the bar."

"Pass."

"Hear me out, a few of them are surprisingly attractive."

"Still pass."

"Like that asari over there, she's been eying you since you came in."

"You mean that stripper?!" Shepard exclaimed, her eyes wide at the mere suggestion.

"Don't knock em kid, strippers are some of the best fucks around. Just look at her ass, and that rack. I bet she would even dance for you... well, if you played your cards right."

"No."

"All right all right, how about those marines over there? They've been trying to decide who has the right to go after you for almost five minutes. If you hurry, you could have your pick. If it was my choice, I would go after the one on the far left. He's got the biggest hands and I'm pretty sure you humans have a saying on what that means..."

Shepard's stomach turned. She hadn't exactly turned down a man's company before, but that did not mean she was interested in sharing that company again. She had changed a lot since, and she was pretty sure Liara had ruined her for all others. She downed her drink quickly at the thought of Liara, the alcohol helping to numb herself to the thought.

"I'm good."

"Fine, fine I get it. Just keep it in mind kid. Might be a healthier alternative to wrecking your liver in one night. Humans usually can only drink a little more than one of those..."

"Well let's see what a little more means in my case shall we?" She growled irritably.

Aethyta smiled and began making another.

"I like your attitude kid, just don't throw up on my bar."