The drive to the airport wasn't anything exciting. The girls held each other close in the backseat while Luke road up front with Jess, going over everything he needed to know once again. Though Jess was pretty sure he was just doing it to fill the silence. That thought almost made him laugh, stoic Luke filling the awkward silence will unnecessary babble.
The airport goodbyes had gone about as expected. The girls' newly repaired relationship led to tear filled parting. Lorelai being very insistent that Rory call her if she needed anything. And though Luke wasn't sure what exactly was going on that he was missing, he hugged Rory a bit tighter then usual, holding on a moment longer then normal, trying to show his support.
"You okay?" Jess asked, breaking the silence as they drove back to Stars Hallow.
"Just thinking" Rory replied softly, staring out the window.
"You know, whatever it is... whatever you're going through... you can talk to me." He said, glancing over at her.
"Thanks Jess. I appreciate that."
He pulled up in front of the Crap Shack a while later. They sat in the car in silence for a moment.
"How did we get here?" she asked him abruptly.
"I drove…" he said, though it came out more like a question.
"No" she shook her head. "I mean how did we get here?" she gestured between. "You hate Stars Hollow. And yet, you're here… voluntarily… for Luke. And you've been making countless trips here, to the town you hate, to spend time with your family, who drive you insane. You came back to help your mom out of some crazy cult. You offered to fill-in at the diner so that mom and Luke could go on their honeymoon. You drove everyone to the airport. Plus, you're a best selling author. And you co-own a successful publishing company. You've got your life all figured out. And me?" She sighed deeply. "I'm a walking disaster. I don't have a job. I can't seem to maintain a real relationship. God, I'm back living in my childhood home. And I'm so desperate to prove that I'm still a journalist that I convinced, no… begged, Taylor to keep the paper running, even though I'm doing it for free…"
"I'm sorry" she said after a moment, staring at him in shock. "I didn't mean it like that. I just…"
"I get what you mean" Jess replied with a shrug.
"God, I'm just awful." She exclaimed. "Here you are being so thoughtful and I'm just crapping all over your achievements like some kind of petulant child because I'm jealous that I can't get my own shit together." She held her head in her hands.
"Rory" he said softly, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"I'm sorry" she interrupted, straitening up and looking him in the eye. "For all of this, it wasn't fair of me to unload on you like that. It was very nice of you to have driven everyone to the airport and I thank you for the ride home." She climbed out of the car and made her way to towards the house, leaving Jess sitting in the car staring after her in confusion.
Thankfully Stars Hallow wasn't very big or difficult to navigate because Jess could hardly focus on the road ahead of him. He worried about Rory. This aimlessness that she was going through, spiraling, scrambling for something, anything, to keep her afloat…
It wasn't just everything she had said though. There was something else she wasn't saying. The catalyst to her meltdown… That last piece that left her feeling so absolutely broken.
He had been able to read her so clearly once. Even before they had been something… She had always been something of an open book to him. But now, he wanted to help her… somehow he always managed to get her back on track… But there was this distance between them. Time and circumstance had pushed them further and further apart… They were practically strangers now.
Rory collapsed against the front door the second it shut behind her. A quiet sob escaping from her chest. God, she was still screwing everything up.
Jess was just trying to help. Just like always. And her frustration with her own situation had her lashing out at him. She was jealous. He had everything all figured out. All the shit he had done and been through when they were teenagers… he had gotten passed it and made a life for himself. Despite what everyone else had said, he had done it.
And her? All of those expectations… All that hard work… It was all for nothing. Here she was, 32, all alone, unemployed, practically homeless and… pregnant. She had let everyone down. She was still letting everyone down and they didn't even know it. Once they found out… she couldn't even begin to imagine the disappointment…
Her mother had handled the news far better than expected. Though, to be fair, Lorelai had once been in a situation much similar to her own and knew what it was she really needed. But the town… Luke… God, her grandmother was going to freak. This was basically going to ruin Logan's life.
And yet… somehow… the thought of disappointing Jess seemed worst of all. He had been the one who had always believed in her. His faith had never waivered. He had been the one to get her to return to Yale, always believing she could do anything she set her mind to. And more recently, when he saw that she was spiraling it was his suggestion that she write the story of her and her mother. Whenever she found herself drifting, it was always him who helped her find her way back to herself.
She squeezed her eyes shut, fighting back tears.
The thought of disappointing him, it made her heart ache in a way that didn't make any sense. It physically hurt. Leaving her gasping for air. Almost like… NO! No… it wasn't… things weren't… just no.
She took a deep breath to steady herself before getting up off of the floor, vowing to do away with such ridiculous notions.
It wasn't like that with them. Not anymore. Besides, she didn't even mean it. She was just trying to cling to something familiar. Just like every other time things had gotten hard in her life. But it had never helped before. And she had already left enough damage in her wake. She wouldn't let Jess be another casualty of her own foolishness.