Mom and Dad

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You Put Your Arms Around Me And I'm Home

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Mom is sad. More than sad, I think. No, I think she says she is scared. But she is mom. Mom does not get scared. Mom is the bestest and the bravest.

But who is mom scared of? Me?

But I am not a monster.

Please, mom, do not be scared of me. I pinky promise I am not scary.

Mom is sad again. She is all alone at home, I think. I do not hear anyone else, only tiny tiny voices that are not real people, only people in television. I hear them every night, but I think mom is not really hearing them because she is always crying when I hear them.

I do not know why she is always so sad. She cries herself to sleep every night with the people's voices and I always try to reach out. I do. I hug her. But she does not feel me. I want to tell her it will be okay, even though the man she loves will not be with her anymore.

Because she has dad and she has me.

Mom does not know how she feels about me yet. She found me nine days ago because I was making her sick.

I did not mean to, mom.

Sometimes I hear her saying that she is not pregnant. And I do not understand that because I am here, she knows I am here.

I also hear her say she wishes it was Derek's.

Is it me? Who is Derek?

But I think I know. Derek is the man she loves. And I think she wants Derek to be my dad. I have never seen Derek. He is not here and mom also does not know where he is. But she wants to. She calls him but he never picks up her calls. That makes her sadder.

Why does she want Derek to be my dad?

I have my own dad. I do not want Derek to be my dad. I only want dad. But I do not think he knows about me yet. Maybe mom will not tell him. I do not know. She is scared, she says.

One day, I hear her say she does not want me because she does not love dad. He is not the right guy for her. Because dad will be a terrible dad.

How does mom even know that?

Dad does not know about me.

Mom, dad will love me.

I know he will, forever and ever.

Dad will not be a terrible dad. Because he will love me.

But I do not know, mom always knows best.

She thinks what she and dad did is a bad decision. They are bad people.

Am I a bad decision?

She says she is so stupid and dumb. It was one time, she says. I think she is telling Derek, I do not hear him. Maybe she is telling him on the phone. Stupid! But she is a baby doctor. She cannot be stupid.

She thinks it makes her a bad person for not wanting me. But she does not tell anyone this because people will be angry. They will say mean things to her and she does not want to hear mean things anymore.

Why?

I think dad is here now because mom is talking really fast and really loud. I cannot understand a word she is telling dad and I want to hear dad's voice but I cannot because mom is being so loud.

Slow down, mom.

I do not feel good when she shouts. I think she is shouting at dad. She is always shouting at him because he is never hearing her. That is why mom is always angry when dad is here.

Dad, please, listen to mom. Don't make her angry. It makes my head hurt.

But I can hear dad now, he is telling her to calm the something - I do not think that's a good word - down. Everything is shaking now. Maybe dad is shaking mom.

I think he is shaking her so she can stop shouting so loud but that only makes mom even angrier because his hands are hurting her shoulders.

Mom, calm down please, I don't feel well.

They are fighting again.

Mom shouts back, shouting at dad to take his hands off of her. I think he is pressing her too tight. She is saying not good things at all. She says bad things. Bad things to dad because he is sleeping with a lady that is not mom. I think that is hurting mom's feelings. She says she wishes him dead. She hates him and she loves Derek.

Dad knows she means it. Dad is sad.

He loves mom, even though she is being so cruel.

Everything is quiet now but mom is crying so much and so hard that I am also shaking. Dad really hurt her. He is always hurting mom and I do not like that. It hurts me when mom is sad.

I do not know if dad is still here. Maybe. I think I can hear his breathing. He is near mom.

Oh, no, why is everything so blurry?

Mom's heart is going thump-thump-thump really quickly now. She is holding me so tightly, I can feel her hand and I am reaching out for her.

Mom! What's happening?

Dad is asking her what is the matter too and she shakes her head, turns away from him. I think she does not want him to know. He is worried, I can hear it in his voice. But she says nothing, only makes soft sounds and bites her lip.

I think I am hurting her.

Oh, no, I am a monster. I am hurting mom.

Dad is being louder now, touching mom. But she does not shout at him not to, now.

Addie! Addison! Hey! What's wrong?!

He thinks mom did not hear him and I think he can see me now.

But mom is trying to breathe, she cannot speak, dad.

Mom is bleeding and that is me. A little bit of me, I think. Because I am still inside mom. I am just really sleepy now.

I am sorry, mom, I didn't want to hurt you.

Goodnight, mom and dad.

Dad is sad because mom is still angry at him and he tells me he is sorry for hurting me but he is happy that he found me. He is so happy, he says. I can feel his hands, he is holding me and mom.

Hi, dad!

And I think mom is sleeping because everything is vibrating softly now. Like at home. Dad kisses me and I kiss him back.

Dad loves me.

Mom is still sad.

Why, mom?

Dad knows me now. He says he loves me. He will take care of me. He gave me a kiss, mom. He is not terrible. He is good. I like that word. Good!

Why are you always sad?

I do not want her to be sad anymore.

Mom tells dad she will think about it.

About what?

I was sleeping when they were talking about it. I did not hear what the it is. Dad is looking at me sadly now and I am waving at him but he still looks sad.

Please think about it, Addison.

They let mom out of the hospital, and I am glad because she gets fresh air instead of the stale hospital air that smells kind of weird. I do not think she minds the smell before, I think she does not like it now because of me. But she will be back tomorrow.

She is a baby doctor, remember!

She still does not feel me when I move inside her but that is okay, I guess. She is busy being sad and mad at dad. But I think she is also mad at herself. Maybe it has something to do with Derek.

I do not know.

Mom thinks she sleeps alone because Derek is not there but she always forgets I am with her.

I do not like Derek. He is making her sad.

Sometimes she says things in her sleep. Most of the time it is Derek. Only sometimes it is dad's name. Sometimes it is lots of words muddled together and even I do not know what she means but she wakes up out of breath and sweating. I worry about her when she does that.

Mom looks at herself in the mirror a lot. I think when she lifts her shirt, she is checking whether she can see me yet. I try to wave but she does not wave back. She just looks so sad and tired all the time, so I try to be really good so that she will not be sick. Sometimes I am better at being good than other times. But I do try really hard.

Dad buys me a Yankees onesie. It is a baby clothes.

Yea, that is my dad's favourite sports team.

I do not know what sport that is but soon I will because he says he cannot wait to take me out to a game. Mom smiles at dad but she is not really that happy. Not like dad's happy.

But I think she likes the onesie too. She thinks it is cute.

She says she will think about it. Dad just nods. He is not happy anymore.

Mom goes to work even more madder at dad. Her heels are loud, making harsh clicking when she stomps down the corridor. She is scary when she is angry. Now, I know to never make mom angry. Dad still does not know that.

That makes me smarter than dad.

I think she saw the lady who dad is sleeping in his bed with. Mom is jealous, I think, because she is sleeping all alone at home. I think maybe she wants dad to sleep beside her.

She hates dad so much.

Why does dad want mom to hate him?

Mom was actually happy for a while.

But I know dad loves mom so much that he will do anything for her.

Mom does not know what to do now.

Sometimes, she wants to drink the stuff that would make me sick but she does not. She always decides it would be a bad idea. She is smart, like dad always says.

I get my smart from mom.

Derek said that too before, I think, a long time ago when I was not even here.

Mom does not know what to do about me either. She goes to the doctor's office and they talk about how she could take a pill and it would make me so sick I would have to leave. The doctor gives her some leaflets and mom looks at them, but does not really look at them, if you know what I mean.

She knows already.

She wants somebody to tell her what she should do.

I like mom's voice. Sometimes, she speaks so softly that my eyes close and I feel sleepy, even though I am not even tired. One day, she touches her stomach with her fingertips and I reach out my own and try to hold hands but it does not work.

I am here, mom!

She cries after that.

Maybe it is me who is making mom sad and not Derek or dad.

I think mom has made up her mind; she is going to take the pill that will make me sick.

It is okay. Itry to tell her this. I do not mind, mom.

But mom thinks she is a bad person. She is not. I try to tell her this too but she does not hear me. All she hears are the voices in her head and dad's voice, and Derek's voice.

She hears what Derek told her - she makes him nauseous.

I hear that all the time. Mom is always thinking about that.

And they are all louder than me.

Mom sits in the waiting room and she is trying really hard not to cry. She keeps moving so that I cannot get comfy and I wonder if she is trying to get me ready to leave her. I do not want to though.

They call her name - Addison Montgomery. She is named after her grandfather - Sir Samuel Addison McElroy Montgomery. And she rises from the chair. Her steps are really small - almost so teeny tiny that we hardly get anywhere but eventually we make it inside the room.

She cannot see very well because even though she has been trying so hard not to cry, her eyes are misbehaving and there are tears in them. She thinks it makes her weak but I think it is okay that she is crying. That means she actually wants me. Mom and dad made me and once I am too sick to stay inside of her any more, she will not be able to feel a part of her bad decision.

Mom is not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing because she is so confused.

The doctor is nice and smiles at mom to let her know it is okay. She tells mom about the pills that she is going to take but mom says she knows everything about it. She is a baby doctor too. The doctor nods and goes to get her a cup of water.

While she is gone, mom talks to me. She is talking to me for the first time. And I am so happy.

Hi, mom!

She tells me that she is sorry because she cannot keep me. I will be with her grandpa and grandma, she says, once I leave her and they are really nice.

I will also be with all the others just like me.

The doctor comes back and mom's heartbeat starts to go too fast again.

I am scared.

I think I am going to hurt her again.

Mom, listen to the nice doctor. She is telling you to relax.

Her heart is hurting my ears and I try to tell her this, try to let her know I would like it to be quieter so I can hear her breathing before I leave.

The doctor tells mom that she can change her mind but she shakes her head. She is being stubborn because actually, she thinks she might want to keep me inside of her. But she is just not sure how it is going to work. Because she does not want to be alone.

I think she wants to hurt dad.

There is a lot of noise, all of a sudden. Bad words that sounds like cursing and I cover my ears with my hands because mom does not like me to know about the bad stuff that happens in her world.

But it is dad. Dad's here.

He bursts into the room without knocking - which is rude - but I forgive him because he is here to make sure mom is alright.

Dad is here now. Yay, I can see dad one last time.

Dad says he is sorry. He made a mistake. He says he is stupid.

Why does mom and dad alway day they're stupid?

They are doctors. They cannot be stupid.

Dad does not want her to do this. He says he loves mom and me.

Once he found out we were here, he drove like crazy, he drove past three red lights, he tells mom and the doctor. I am not sure he should be saying this because he could get into trouble. I think it is illegal.

He is breathing very heavily. I think he was running really fast to here.

He bends down in front of mom and the doctor says she has to leave the room for a moment because she forgot something. I think she might be lying and that is a bad thing to do - lying is bad - but she is doing it so dad can talk to mom on his own without anyone listening. So, it is okay. It makes her good.

He tells her not to take the pills that will make me sick. He says she will regret it and she will hate herself and that he cannot let that happen because she is such a good person. Dad tells mom she is the best person he knows.

She is mad at him. She calls him lots of bad names and I cover my ears again. I worry that dad might get upset and leave but he says he is here to make sure she is alright. He says he will do whatever to make sure she is happy and that I am safe, even if she hates him.

Mom does not hate dad.

She says that a lot, she hates him so much, but really, she is lying.

She does hate her own dad though. And her own mom too. They are mean to her. They are not very nice people. Mom thinks she does not want me to meet them. She does not want me to be criticised by them. They will only hurt my feelings like they hurt hers. And maybe that is okay.

Dad loves mom and she knows that. I think she is always shouting at dad and saying that she hates him because she actually loves him.

Why else is she always angry at dad?

Dad just wants mom happy. And he promises that he will make her the happiest queen on earth.

Mom says okay because she has not been happy in a really long time.

Hey, guys! Another Maddison story, just a short one, though. This is a result of me studying so hard for exams! Haha! I'm sorry. I just can't get over the fact that these two are just too cute together! I had to write this! Just had to. Haha! Please review and let me know what you think! I'm enjoying these two!

Read Salvation if you haven't. It's Maddison too.