Chapter Three

Stay

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The reminders pull the floor from your feet.
In the kitchen, one more chair than you need.
Oh.
And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair.
Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

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Aaron didn't know how fast he was driving, but at the very least he'd broken several traffic laws in his haste to get home as quickly as possible. If he still had sirens on his car, he was damn sure he would be using them right about now; but, as it was, he just prayed he wouldn't catch the attention of an over zealous cop. After all, there was no way in hell he would be pulling over given the current circumstances; there was too much at stake, and time was just too precious to even consider it.

His knuckles blanched under the relentless pressure as he sped down the road, gripping tightly to the steering wheel while images of Reid continually flashed through his mind, torturing him with their excruciating detail and sending him into a fit of near unbridled panic.

Pictures of Spencer lying in a pool of his own blood.

Still.

Unmoving.

Face pale and devoid of any signs of life.

Hair ruddy and matted against his forehead.

Body relaxed in some god awful perversion of a restful sleep.

Fuck, he never should have left Spencer alone to begin with!

What the fuck had he even been thinking?! That he was fucking tired? That he needed a goddamn fucking break? Was Spencer's life really worth so little to him that he would throw it all away for the chance at a few measly minutes of false peace?

The painful answer to that sobering question was an obvious yes.

Clearly Aaron had put his own selfish wants and desires high above the younger man's basic needs...above his well being...above his life. He'd just walked out the fucking front door and left Spencer behind to face all of his demons alone—left him to fight for his life in the quiet solitude of a broken home.

Aaron would never forgive himself for that.

Absolutely never.

He was done being selfish. There was nothing in the world he wanted more in that moment than to take care of Spencer for the rest of his life, and he no longer cared how hard it could potentially be to do so. Any thoughts he'd had of wanting space or a break had been swiftly and thoroughly swept away the instant he'd realized he may have left his gun out of the safe.

The instant he'd realized he may have made a fatal mistake—a mistake that could cause him to lose Spencer forever. Reid could very well be home alone right now, with a fucking loaded weapon and suicidal tendencies; and if anything happened to him because of that, it would be Aaron's fault.

It would all be Aaron's fault.

That thought had Hotch pressing down harder on the accelerator, and when he finally pulled up to the apartment complex, he barely took the time to even put the car in park before jumping out and bolting toward the building. People stared at him with curious eyes as he ran through the lobby, but he paid them no mind. He didn't have the time. Everything was a whirl of blurring lights, bright colors and aggressive sounds that his mind tried to ignore; and before he knew it he was bursting through the door to their apartment.

The atmosphere inside was a stark contrast to the blaring lights of the outer hallway—dark and quiet, still and calm, heavy and somber. The moon filtered in through the window, blanketing the space in a soft white glow; and Spencer was there, sitting right in the middle of the living room floor, his body nothing more than a dark silhouette, wild wisps of hair masking most of his features. One hand was resting in his lap, and the other was clutching a newly cleaned and very familiar gun to his head, the steel of the barrel glinting off the moonlight.

"Oh my god..." Aaron's mouth went dry, sandpaper grinding inside his throat with every word, a tight band of fear clenching around his chest—squeezing his heart until he thought it might literally burst and kill him on the spot.

He couldn't move.

Couldn't breathe.

The sight before him was suffocating and terrifying and all encompassing.

Spencer looked up at the quiet utterance, hair softly parting to reveal his beautiful hazel eyes—eyes that were swirling with confusion and sorrow. "Aaron?" his voice was hollow as their eyes locked together, "You're...you're home. I, ah...I didn't expect you..."

"Baby, what are you doing?" he asked, slowly taking a step forward, hands reaching out to the man in front of him. Placating. Pleading. He had to fight back the urge to just run to him and take control of the situation, pull the gun from those slender fingers and get it as far away from Spencer's head as humanly possible, "Please, just...just put the gun down."

To Aaron's horror, Reid did the exact opposite, his grip tightening around the weapon as his hand began to shake.

"I...I can't do that."

"Yes, Spencer, you can." He took another step closer, "You can do that. I know you can, baby. Come on. Please, all you have to do is give it to me."

"No." There was a resoluteness to Spencer's tone that sent a chill down Aaron's spine; and those confused eyes cleared and then hardened. "You know this is better, Aaron. I know it. You'll be better off without me. You all will."

His mind was racing through everything he'd been trained to say to someone who was suicidal, but in the present moment it was all he could do to stop himself from just lunging at Reid, pinning him to the ground and forcing the gun from his hands. But he knew that was probably the worst thing he could possibly do, for both of them. If he did that it could send Spencer into a full blown panic; or the weapon could accidentally discharge, hitting one of them in the process.

Or a multitude of other things could go wrong.

"No. Don't. Just—Just think about Jack!" he blurted instead. He wasn't really thinking about what he was saying, he was merely grasping—desperation clear in the tremor of his voice, "Honey, think about what this will do to him. If you do this, he'll always believe he wasn't important enough to you to keep you here."

"No...don't you put that on me Aaron, because I am thinking about Jack!" Spencer snapped back, jumping to his feet and moving closer, the gun now held at his side, "Can't you see that?! I have to do this before I hurt him! Before I hurt you!" He started sobbing, the hand holding the Glock coming up to his face as he rubbed at his eyes, heatedly wiping the tears away. "I know I'm hard to be around, Aaron. God...I know you can't handle me anymore, and you—you don't need to be here for this," he implored, "Please, just leave. Just go."

"No," he adamantly shook his head, fists clenching so tight he could feel the nails digging into his palms, "Never. There's no way in hell I'm walking away right now. I'm not leaving you here alone. Not like this."

"Aaron," Reid cried, shaking, quickly losing the little composure he'd been desperately clinging to, "You, y-you don't get it. You don't—" His breath seemed to suddenly catch in his throat, halting his argument; and Hotch watched Reid's eyes flick over to the corner of the room as something akin to terror etched itself across his face. "No no no no no...I can't do that!" he screamed, begging and pleading, "I can't, I can't...don't make me do that! Please, don't make me!"

Aaron's eyes followed Reid's to the other side of the room, to the empty space that held the younger man's attention, and a creeping sense of dread washed over him. He knew Reid was hallucinating. Someone was telling him to do something. Something bad—awful. It was Gideon, most likely.

"Spencer..." Hotch tried, but Reid vehemently shook his head, crying as he met Aaron's gaze. "Baby, don't look over there. Okay? Don't listen to him. Don't listen to any of them." He took several steps closer until there was only a foot of space between the two of them. If he dared, he could reach out and touch the trembling body before him, but he didn't. "All they do is lie to you, Sweetheart. I promise. That's all they do, and that's all they are. Lies. They're not real."

Spencer looked so fragile, so small, so broken. The brilliant genius he loved was nowhere to be found in that moment; all that remained was an empty shell...an echo of the gorgeous man and beautiful mind Aaron had once known. His vision blurred as a multitude of tears flooded his eyes, and he silently prayed to all the gods in the universe that somehow he could bring the man he loved back from the brink of death...pull him out of the depths of the hell he'd fallen into—the insanity that gripped him...

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Aaron knew he wasn't going to last much longer, not with the way Spencer was keening and writhing beneath him, tempting him to completion. The younger man was still riding through the last vestiges of his own climax—warm, sticky release sitting between them, coating both their heaving chest as Spencer's muscles pulled Aaron further inside his trembling body. Long legs wrapped securely around his waist, and he gave one final thrust of his hips before he was spilling himself deep within unfathomably tight heat. The cascading pleasure had him falling to his forearms, blanketing Reid as their lips met, and he cried out his ecstasy into the open, moaning mouth below.

Several minutes later, he was pulled from his post-coital bliss by Spencer's sweet voice, soft and breathy against his skin.

"I love you, Aaron."

Slender fingers ran through his damp hair, blunt nails scratching gently over his scalp, and he leaned into the touch as he drank in the sight of his lover. Reid looked like an angel lying below him...long golden curls splayed wistfully across the pillow, glimmering hazel eyes fixed lovingly up at him, soft plump lips curving into the sweetest smile he'd ever seen.

He truly didn't know if Spencer had ever looked quite as stunning, and beautiful, and wondrous as he did in that perfect moment.

He couldn't take his eyes off him.

"I love you, too," he murmured, slowly lowering his head to take Spencer's mouth once more.

The kiss was soft and smooth, tongues leisurely gliding in and out of shared heat as the hand in his hair moved down to cup his cheek.

"Marry me," Reid sighed against the embrace, thumb tracing circles across his skin, and Aaron pulled away as the words filled his ears, making his heart beat just a little bit faster.

He didn't know if he'd heard correctly, and his brows furrowed, "What?"

Spencer's eyes flicked back and forth across Aaron's face, examining the expression as he worried his bottom lip between his teeth. He looked nervous, yet somehow sure at the same time. Determined. "You heard me," he grinned, gently stroking his fingers across Aaron's brows, his cheeks, his lips, "I love you, and I never want to spend another day without you and Jack in my life. I want to be your husband, and I want you to be mine, and I want everyone to know it. I want them all to know that I'm yours, Aaron. Only yours."

His heart leapt out of his chest at the declaration, and any hold on his emotions was completely forfeit as he stared down at the other man. "And I'm yours, My Love," he whispered, tears streaming down his face as he lost the battle to keep them at bay, "Always yours."

Reid watched him expectantly, still waiting for an answer. "So...?" he prodded when no answer actually came.

"So..." Aaron let his joy overflow, and he beamed down at Spencer as he sighed, "Let's get married."

"Really?"

The surprise in Spencer's voice was palpable, and all Aaron could do was nod his head as his smile grew.

"Yeah? That's a yes?"

"Yes!" he laughed, leaning down to meet their foreheads, "Yes...that's definitely a yes. Of course I wanna marry you."

Reid's eyes brightened exponentially at that, sparkling hazel shining through tears of joy, and the squeal he let out was quite startling, yet absolutely adorable in equal measure.

Long arms wrapped around Aaron's neck, and before he knew what was happening their positions had flipped and he was lying on his back with Spencer above him, straddling his hips as the genius peppered butterfly kisses all along his jaw, his nose, his cheeks.

It was one of the happiest moments of his life.

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Three months later, Reid had had his first hallucination; and Aaron could still remember the sheer terror he'd felt the instant Spencer had told him he was hearing voices. After that night, the decline in his mental health had been rapid and unrelenting, and they'd put the wedding preparations on hold at Spencer's request. He'd told Aaron to leave him, told him that he didn't want to be a burden to the people he loved; but Hotch had refused to abandon him. In Aaron's mind, it didn't matter if Spencer was sick. Whether they had a piece of paper to declare it or not, in his heart they were already married.

No illness was ever going to change that.

He was brought back into the horrifying reality of the present moment by Reid's strangled words drifting to his ears.

"Aaron, I'm...not well. I know that. Really, I do. I'm, I'm just like my mom now, and I always...I—I a-always told myself if I ever got sick like her I wouldn't live like that. I can't be like her. I can't—I just...I can't do this anymore!" He was getting more and more agitated by the second, the hand holding the gun flying recklessly around the room, pointing at shadows while his eyes tracked invisible monsters only he could see, "I mean, think about it! Who really cares if one more crazy person dies, Aaron?! The world would be better! It would be so much better! Don't you see that? There's enough lights in the heavens without me; enough stars in the sky—stars that are beautiful and radiant and whole. They're not fucking broken! They're gorgeous flickers of brilliance in a sea of massive darkness. Those stars? Aaron, those perfect, gorgeous stars light the way for everything else. Compared to all that...well, compared to something like that, I'm nothing. It's true, and we both know it. I'm—I'm nothing. I'm nothing, and I'm already gone."

"No. No, Spencer, you're wrong. You're not nothing, and you're not gone. You're still right here. You're right here, right now, and I care—" his voice broke on the last word. His throat felt painfully tight, and his chest threatened to burst from the shards of agony that were shredding his insides to jagged bits, "Do you hear me? I care. I fucking care if you're here, Spencer. Jack. Jack cares!"

Spencer looked down to his hands then, cradling the gun like it was something precious...something cherished and adored...something he treasured above all else. When he looked back up his expression was eerily calm, and his voice matched the sentiment much too perfectly. "This can happen in an instant. Quicker, even. I can go on my own terms. I have that chance right now. I can go before I just fade away, before I'm not me anymore. I can die as Spencer Reid, if you'll just let me." He paused, a small, resigned smile dancing on his lips, "I really do think I'm already gone, Aaron. This is the logical next step."

"No," Hotch shook his head, voice strained, "No. Please, Spencer...don't go. Don't...don't do this to me..."

He reached out, fully intent on yanking that fucking gun from Reid's grasp by force; but Spencer was too quick, jerking out of his reach as the weapon flew back up to his head. Aaron thought the whole world ended right there, with that gut-wrenching action. He could see it in the haunted hazel eyes staring back at him—and his heart stopped.

Or, that's what it felt like.

It felt like everything in his existence stopped, and he blurted out a desperate, "I'm sorry!" His hands rose up in surrender, shaking as he took a step back, a step away from Reid, then another, and another, trying to give the man space, to placate him, to calm him. "Please—Please, I'm so sorry. Just—just calm down. Just talk to me, okay? Just tell me what you need, Sweetheart. Please. Don't do this. Just, please put the gun down and talk to me."

"I don't want you here," Spencer whispered, the Glock still sitting flush against his temple, "I, I want you to go, Aaron. I need you to go. God—" his whole body shivered, and he swallowed a sob before screaming out, "I hate you! Do you hear that, Aaron?! I hate you! I hate you so much, so just go! Just fucking go!"

"No!" he yelled, clenching his jaw as he took a step back toward Reid.

It felt like they were playing some sick, brutal game of tug of war.

Of life and death.

He knew the younger man was distraught, and very clearly not in his right mind. Spencer didn't mean the things he'd said, he was just lashing out, trying to push Aaron away—trying to make him hate him. But it wasn't going to work.

Unfortunately, though, what Aaron was trying to do obviously wasn't working either. There was a time to be careful and soothing, of course, but that time was quickly passing them by. He was getting desperate, so if being gentle with Spencer wasn't going to work then he'd have to try something else. He'd have to try something new, take a different approach. He'd do anything—whatever he had to do—in order to get through to the man he loved.

He wouldn't give up on him.

He would never give up on him.

"No. No, you listen to me, now. You don't get to do this," he growled, his stern and stoic demeanor falling over him like a well-worn cloak, like a protective shield, "I won't let you do it this way. If you wanna die...if you're really so set on killing yourself, then it's not gonna be done behind some closed door, away from everyone, out of sight. You're not gonna do it in hiding, like a goddamn coward. If you really want this—if you really wanna kill yourself—then you're gonna have to do it in front of me. And I swear to god, Spencer—" he choked back another scream of agony as bile rose up his throat, then he forced the harsh words out on the end of a sob, "I swear to god, if you make me watch you die I will never fucking forgive you for it!"

Spencer just stood there staring at him, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape.

They both stayed silent for what felt like an eternity, their gazes fixed on one another, and Aaron was beginning to fear that Reid had actually gone catatonic; but then Spencer broke eye contact with him, his body trembling uncontrollably as he fell to his knees. Time seemed to slow then, and Aaron was down on the floor before he even knew he'd started to move, pulling Reid into his arms and taking the gun from slack fingers. He slid the weapon across the floor, far out of reach, and held tight to the shivering form pressing into him.

"I-I-I d-don't know wh-what to do anymore," Reid stuttered, burrowing his head into Aaron's chest, "I don't know...I don't kn-know, Aaron...I—I don't know anything anymore..."

"Shhh, it's gonna be okay now," he soothed, one hand running through a tangled mess of chestnut curls while the other hugged Spencer even closer, refusing to let go, "We'll figure it all out, I promise. Just breathe, baby. Just calm down for me and breathe."

"It's just—god, it's not fucking fair!" he cried, hands fisting into Aaron's shirt, clinging to him, the fabric soaking through with abundant tears, "I just want him to leave me alone! Why won't he leave me alone?! Why won't they all just go away?!" Aaron's grip tightened as Spencer's body convulsed, "I...I don't wanna hear them anymore, Aaron. I just want it to be quiet...that's all. That's all I want..."

"I know, honey. God...I know you do." Seeing Spencer shattering—feeling it as it happened—was almost too much for Aaron to bear. A part of him felt like joining Reid in utter hysteria, but he knew he couldn't let his emotions take over. Not yet. First he had to get the situation under control and calm Spencer down, before things escalated again. There would be time for him to break down later. "We'll find something that works for you, okay?" he started again, placing a kiss to Reid's sweaty temple, "We'll find a new drug trial, a new doctor—whatever we have to do, we'll do it. We're gonna make them all go away, baby. I promise." Spencer's sobs started to slowly die down then, morphing into a litany of weak whimpers and shuddered breaths as Aaron began to gently rock them together on the floor. "Shhhh, I've got you now," he murmured, "I've got you, and you're gonna be okay."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do." His arms squeezed a little tighter. "You'll be okay," he vowed, because he didn't think he could survive otherwise, "It's just gonna take some time to figure it all out."

"Don't—Don't leave me?" Spencer's voice was timid and small, barely audible against Aaron's chest, "Please, I—I'm so sorry. I didn't mean what I said. Really, I didn't. I didn't mean any of it. I love you. I love you so much, and I can't—I can't do this...not without you, Aaron. I can't live like this without you. Please, please don't leave me..."

"Hey," he pulled back just enough to tilt Reid's chin up, meeting his watery gaze, "Never. I promise you, Spencer, I'm not going anywhere. I'll never leave you. I'm with you, always." Hazel eyes brightened minutely at that, and Aaron had to swallow down a lump of raw emotion threatening to erupt before he could continue, "But I need you to do something for me, too. I need you to promise me the same thing."

"Wh-What?"

"Promise me that you'll stay with me, Spencer. That's all I'm asking. Stay and fight this with me. Don't go away, baby. Don't make me live in a world without you."

"Aaron..." Reid started to shake his head in protest, his face crumbling as more tears began to fall.

"No. Don't shake your head at me." He cradled Spencer's face in his hands, thumbs swiping gently at tear-streaked cheeks, "Just listen to me now. Are you listening?" he paused, and Reid gave him a jerky nod, "You have a brilliant mind, and you being sick does nothing at all to change that. You're magnificent, and radiant, and beautifully complex...and absolutely gorgeous, just like those perfect stars you talked about. You take my breath away every single day. You're the most amazing person I've ever known, and this world needs you in it, Spencer. I need you in it. I need you with me." Reid's eyes suddenly darted to a point over Aaron's shoulder, and he quickly moved to block the younger man's view of whatever it was he was seeing. He finally felt like he was making headway, getting through to Spencer's fractured mind, and he wasn't about to let a fucking hallucination derail his efforts. "Please, Spencer," he watched hazel hesitantly meet his gaze once more, and he gave the genius a small, tentative smile, "Stay here. Just stay with me."

"I want to," Reid rasped, "I do. I really do...it's just—it's so hard, Aaron. Everything's so hard, but...I'll—I'll try...f-for you."

"No...for us," Aaron gently corrected, pulling Spencer back to his chest, "Try for us, Sweetheart."

They clung to each other in that moment, as the world crashed down around them; and his fingers once again found matted hair, combing through the strands as he closed his eyes and placed a long, lingering kiss to the top of Spencer's head.

There was going to be a tomorrow.

And more importantly, there was going to be a tomorrow with Spencer Reid in it.

He had hope for what felt like the first time in months, and Aaron clutched onto it like a lifeline as they rocked together on the moonlit floor.

"I've got you," he softly whispered, "I love you, Spencer, and I've got you...so please, honey...just stay."

.

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?

Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?

Who cares if one more light goes out?

Well, I do.

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- Linkin Park, 'One More Light'

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Fin

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