Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plotline. Harry, Sirius, Remus, and all
familiar magical things all belong to J.K. Rowling. But, oh how I wish
they were mine. . .
A/N: This is slash, and Harry/ Sirius slash at that. So if either of those two things bothers you, look up, and hit that back button. There is also an NC-17 version of this story that is over at canis_major, the Harry and Sirius yahoo! Group (). Reviews appreciated as always. Enjoy!
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating
Bugger. Bollocks. Damn. Shit. Fuck.
Harry could not believe he had allowed himself to get to this level. He was The-Boy-Who-Lived! Six time defeater of Voldemort! The most eligible bachelor in the entire wizarding world! He could have almost anyone. Almost. In accordance with the rest of his past luck, the one that Harry wanted, of course, did not fall into that category. So that brings us back to the complete and utter revulsion, the total embarrassment, and horrible shame that Harry was about to subject himself to. He steeled himself and walked towards the counter. Damn that perky blonde and her fake, recyclable cheer. He reached the counter and laid it down. . .the object of his humiliation.
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating: Not Only Finding the Right Wizard for You, But Expert Tips on how to Catch Him
By: Rubiana Warlissa
Expert in the Field of Magical Matters of the Heart
Please don't let her recognize me. Please don't let her recognize me.
"Oh my god! Are you Harry Potter?"
Fuck. I should've Polyjuiced myself into Ron. Think she would believe it if I said, 'No'?
"Yes, yes I am. Nice to meet you."
"OH MY GOD! IT'S HARRY POTTER!"
At this, everyone within an infinite mile radius of the bookshop turned and stared. Harry watched in complete fear for his life and sanity as all of their eyes uniformly flickered up to that damn scar, to his trademark messy hair, back to his face, and up and down the rest of his body. Some witches and wizards licked their lips, as they had obviously been visually undressing him, and a couple of teenybopper witches fainted. He thinks. That's the only reason he could come up with for that stack of books suddenly falling to the ground at an unfortunately not-so-rapid rate.
As disgusting as this scene was, Harry was used to it. He tried to avoid going out as much as possible. It was one thing when he was in Hogwarts and had just been The-Boy-Who-Lived. Then, people only thought he was some child wonder. It was nothing he did, just luck. But now.now, he was the one who had managed to defeat Voldemort six times. The Wizarding World practically worshipped him. He was their hero.
However, it took some work to defeat Voldemort. He trained in his fifth, sixth, and seventh years before finally finishing the job in the middle of his seventh year. That combined with all of the Quidditch had certainly managed to improve his once short and somewhat scrawny body. He was only 5'10", never having had nearly as big a growth spurt as Ron, but he did manage to bulk up a bit. He was rather lean, with a good amount of muscle on him. Not too much though, but enough to suit him. It was also enough for the Wizarding World to not only worship him as a wizard, but to also hang up pictures of him in their houses and drool all day. He supposed they all found him kind of sexy. Hermione had once told him that if she weren't with Ron, he'd be in trouble. Needless to say when Ron found out about that comment he was in trouble anyway.
However, that is not the trouble at hand. No, no. . .the trouble at hand is everyone in this damn store staring at him and the fact that Blondie here won't ring up his book.
Just let me keep some dignity.
"It is so nice to meet you Mr. Potter. So tell me, what brings you to our nice little store here?"
Ugh. Did she just try to shove her chest in his face?
"Um, well.I was hoping to buy a book."
At this, she started giggling uncontrollably. "A book!" She giggled some more, reminding him eerily of Lavender and Parvati during their early days in Divination. "Of course you are buying a book silly!"
Harry stared at her in disbelief. Just ring it up. "Um, right. That is why one comes to a book shop, no?"
She broke down into another fit of hysterics. "Oh my," she sighed, "handsome, powerful, and funny too."
Harry quickly scanned the room for the nearest wall to repeatedly bang his head against.
"Let's see. . .so what are you buying today Harry."
Oh no. Please no. No no no no no.
"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating?"
Harry managed a weak smile and lamely answered, "Er, not for me?"
At this the cashier broke down one last, and if Harry had any say in it, one final, time. "Of course not! What was I thinking? Why would you, Harry Potter, need a book like this! You have to have people throwing themselves at you all the time! That must be hard," she slowly licked her lips, "some people just have no respect for themselves."
"Yeah, absolutely."
Can we get this over with?
"Well, Harry. . ."
Harry?
". . .that's going to be 10 sickles."
Harry quickly extracted his money from his bag and practically threw it at the girl. "Thanks, really." Harry started running towards the door.
"Do come back Harry! ANYTIME!"
Harry finally reached the sacred gates of heaven. . .the front door to the bookshop. Oh god yes! Fresh air! The sweet smell of freedom. Oh no. Please tell me that is not some sex-depraved wizard that is following me out of the bookstore. Shit. Must apparate home. Must apparate home. Finally, with a small pop! Harry escaped, reaching the safe recesses of his cozy London flat.
He collapsed on the couch and promptly started to smother himself with a pillow.
No man was worth the hell he had endured today.
No man.
Damn you, Remus Lupin.
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Step 1: Make sure you have the right man for you. Just follow this easy checklist scoring up the points at the end. Our foolproof system can tell you exactly how compatible you are with that delicious wizard you think you love.
"Checklist. . .what rubbish. As if I need a checklist to be able to sort out my feelings!"
How did I ever end up in this mess? Remus, that's how I ended up in this mess. Remus Lupin.
It all started back in seventh year. After all, I didn't even realize I was gay until my sixth year. Which is another mystery, I'm gay, everybody knows I'm gay, it's not really something the wizarding world dwells on like muggles, and yet, idiotic and bubbly women still attack me. It is really quite annoying.
Anyway. . .Remus.
I started to really notice him back in my seventh year. He had come back to teach that year so I got to spend a proper amount of time with him. He looked so much different then he did when he first started teaching in my third year. I suppose finding out all of your best friends aren't, a) dead or b) responsible for aforementioned deaths, is probably good for the body, heart, and mind. It most definitely showed on Remus. That gray that used to be flecked in his hair had pretty much disappeared and he just generally looked like he was taking better care of himself. You knew he was someone not to mess with. . . a far cry from the person Ron and I thought would break if you touched him. He also had nicer robes that weren't so tattered and torn. I always thought though that Sirius was responsible for the robes. Remus just wasn't really the type to care, but Sirius would not have his best friend out teaching and looking like a ruffian- that was his job, and one he pulls off quite well might I add. He has this somewhat tattered leather jacket that, even though I am always threatening to buy him a new one, I secretly think it looks absolutely delectable on him and-
Remus. Right, back on track. So basically, Remus looked good. I really didn't notice it at first, but I did notice Lavender and Parvati out in dreamland through all of our DADA classes. All of Gryffindor house had become a lot closer because of the war so I had no trouble approaching them and asking what the hell was up. I was shocked when Lavender started giggling, Parvati started sighing, and then both jumped on me and begged me for information, or even to set them up with one Remus Lupin. I of course had to sadly inform them that Remus was in fact- gay. I held them both as they cried on my shoulder for the next half hour.
But they did get me thinking about Remus. So the next day in DADA I checked him out, and damn it all if they weren't right. . .Remus was hot. They way he looked, the way he talked, just everything. Yummy. So from that point on I developed quite the crush on Remus. As time passed and I spent more time around him, I started noticing his other fine points such as: his innate kindness, his patience, his good sense of humor, his strength, and the tortured werewolf thing kind of got to me too. So from there, the crush thing kind of morphed into what it is today. I am pretty sure it is love. After all, how is one supposed to know what they haven't ever felt before? I did actually kiss him once before, completely by accident though. We were celebrating Voldemort's defeat and I was totally pissed. As was he. I don't know what made me do it, but I just leaned over and kissed him. It felt a little odd, but we were drunk after all. Luckily he didn't even remember that night in the morning. I feel happy when I'm around Remus. I just like being with him. I think I am capable of sorting out what I feel, aren't I? Yes, I am. Who needs this stupid checklist?
With that I picked it up and threw it in the trashcan.
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Step 2: Good job! I take it if you are here you have made sure you have the right man for you. Well, aren't you a lucky one? Now we can start on catching you a wizard! First of all, we need to make sure that your special wizard notices you are alive, breathing and datable. I cannot stress that enough. We don't want him to get to know you and think- 'FRIEND! FRIEND! FRIEND!'- oh, how horrible that would be! So let him know you exist! Strut your stuff and we are sure he will leave with nothing on his mind but you, you, you!
Okay, strut my stuff. I can do that. Thank Merlin I have stuff to strut. Alright what to do, what to do. . .
Got it!
Remus and Sirius should be over in about a half hour; I did promise them I would go with them to see a movie. I'll just have to make sure Remus notices me while I get ready.
I looked down at myself. A pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt. Time to lose the shirt. As I take off the shirt and throw it in my ever-growing pile of laundry, which I seem to be too lazy to do- even the magical way, I have to smirk. Remus will definitely notice me today. Now what to wear. . .
Faded yet kind of tight around the ass area jeans? Nope. Too normal.
Khakis? They do fit my butt nice, but no. Sirius lives in khakis, Remus won't take notice if I wear them too. Come to think of it Sirius's butt always looks really, really, really nice in his khakis. I wonder if it is a khaki thing. Or maybe he just has a really nice-
Clothes for Remus.
More jeans. No.
More khakis. No.
DO I OWN ANYTHING OTHER THEN JEANS AND KHAKIS?
Then, I hit the jackpot. Oh yes, these would be perfect. Draco bought these for me and I laughed in his face, never thinking I would actually wear them. They have been collecting dust in this bag at the end of my closet since we left Hogwarts. But now, they will come in useful. I quickly got down on my hands and knees and thanked every listening deity that Draco had come over to the light and become friends with me, because without which this would not be possible. Leather pants. Yes!
Now for a shirt. . .preferably something tight. Didn't Draco get me a tight, green, silk shirt to go with these? I think it was green, he made some stupid comment about it matching my eyes. Why are people so obsessed with my clothing matching my eyes? Every single time I wear green some person chimes in with, 'Oh look Harry! It matches your eyes!'. Remus did that a couple of weeks ago, it kind of pissed me off. But luckily before it could go any further Sirius chimed in with, 'Thanks a lot Moony, because nobody in here knew his eyes were green beforehand. Now due to your never ending astute observations I will never go around talking about Harry's brown eyes again.'
I smiled at this and swallowed any comments I might have had. I can always count on Sirius to voice my somewhat sarcastic thoughts. They often seem to match his.
Here it is! Hey, it's white! Maybe he only told me he was thinking of buying a green one? But, oh well. . .it fits nice. Now time to throw these on my bed, run downstairs and wait shirtless for Remus.
"Harry! Are you home?"
Or looks like I won't be waiting at all. Sirius is here, so I'm sure that means Remus is with him.
"Yeah Sirius, hold on a second! Is Remus with you?"
"Yeah, hey Harry."
Yes. Time to go downstairs. I quickly exited my room and assured I had an appropriate amount of half-nakedness going on. Good, good.
"Hey guys, decide what move you want to see?"
Damn it, Remus isn't really reacting, he just gave me a once over and nothing. Is Sirius okay? He looks kind of faint, and like he is holding onto that end table for support over there. Mmm, but he is wearing that jacket I like.
"Are you okay, Sirius? I also thought I told you to buy a new jacket!"
He looked up at me, eyes wide and glazed over. "Yeah, I'm fine Harry. Fine. So are you . . . I mean, so how, how are you?"
He tried to straighten himself up and turned kind of red. I swear I also just heard him mutter, 'Idiot!', to himself. Odd.
"Yeah, I'm well. Sorry, I lost track of time." Hope they buy that. I then turn to look at Remus. Ugh! Still no reaction. In fact he kind of looks like he is stifling laughter. If I didn't know better I would say I have more of an effect on Sirius then Remus! All right, I need to make him notice me then. Maybe I'll reach out and lightly touch his shoulder. Okay, well, at least he is looking now. "Let me get ready, you guys can decide what to do, okay?"
"Sure Harry," Remus replied with a smile.
I turned around and flashed my best award-winning smile in his direction. Yes, he smiled back! Is Sirius grabbing that table again? Maybe he should really be home.
I quickly run upstairs. Why did Remus just suddenly break down into hysterics? Maybe Sirius finally fainted or something. Anyway, time to put on The Outfit. Remus might not have reacted much outwardly, but he has never been as forward with his emotions and reactions like Sirius is. So I guess it's hard to tell. There is no way he can miss me though in The Outfit. Ugh, these clothes are clinging to me. It's not my usual style at all, note all the jeans and khakis, but I guess Draco was right. It does look kind of good. Alright, it looks really good. These pants cling to my ass perfectly. This shirt is great too. You can see my muscles through it very nicely. Yet, somehow, I manage not to look overly flaming or male whore-y. Props to Draco. I will most definitely have to thank him for this. Okay, one last look in the mirror and. . .
Oh no. Shit.
I totally forgot about my glasses. Okay, this looks ridiculous with my glasses on. No! I like The Outfit. I will not change! I could always get rid of them. But those damn eyesight correction spells never work on me. My vision is just THAT shitty. Wait! I think Hermione once bought me a pair of contacts. I never used those either, but please, please, please, let me have them.
Lotion, toothbrush, hairbrush, toothpaste, soap, floss, eye drops. . .getting close, and, yes! I think these are them. Now if only I can put these in without poking my eye out.
Ow!
Okay, let's try that again. Line it up with my eye and position it in. Almost, almost. . . alright, one! I am really good today. Hmmm, the second one isn't as hard.
Okay, let's go through the list.
Sexy outfit. Check. Contact lenses. Check. Eye drops for eyes so they don't start burning with aforementioned contact lenses. Check. Sexy and hopefully eager Remus downstairs. Check.
Okay, Potter. This will work. This will work.
"Okay, ready, did you decide what we're seeing?"
Remus just raised an eyebrow and. . .what the hell? Okay, Sirius is really starting to worry me. He practically did just faint. If my couch wasn't there he would most likely be on the ground right now, seeing as he literally fell back onto it.
He did however, manage to choke out a meager, "H-Harry?"
"Sirius?" Odd, odd, odd.
"I think, Harry, that Sirius here is just a bit, um, shocked at your current choice of dress."
So Remus noticed this. Very good. Okay, try to look modest and shocked about it. Like it is not part of some evil master plan.
"Oh, yeah, well. . . Draco bought this for me awhile ago and I think he is kind of annoyed I never wear it. So I decided to wear it tonight just to tell him I did and lessen my amount of embarrassment since I'm with you two." Also in hopes that you'll jump me by the end of the night Remus.
"Ah," said Remus, "where are your glasses though?"
I inwardly smiled. Mission accomplished. "Oh, really, Remus. . . glasses, with this outfit?"
"Yes, I suppose that wouldn't work," he added and then smiled at me.
"Do you think this looks alright though, Remus? I did feel a bit self- conscious putting it on."
"Great," Sirius quickly chimed in. "You look really, really nice, and tight, the clothes are tight. Yes, especially the shirt, and, um -"
"You look fine Harry."
Fine, just fine? He should be down on his knees worshipping at my altar damn it! No, he knows I look more then fine. I can see a gleam, I think, in his eye.
"Okay, well, let's go."
Sirius staggered up finally, hanging his head down and I swear he is still muttering to himself. Hmm, how does he always manage to get his ass to look so good in his pants? I'll have to ask him about that in an unembarrassing way for future reference.
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Step 3: Well, he noticed you, what a lucky one you must be if you are at this point. Well, of course, with our foolproof method, how could you not be? It is time for you to be bold, exert yourself, show that wizard you mean business! Get close to him during your time together, and yes I mean physically. Sit next to him whenever possible and subtly try to show your interest. Flirt. Be a little touchy-feely with him, and a little innuendo never hurt anyone! Go for it!
Well, we decided it was Remus's turn to pick the movie. Mistake. He chose some foreign film, French actually. Sirius and I just looked at each other and rolled our eyes. It wasn't that either of us had anything against French films, or any foreign film for that matter, because we didn't. We just needed to be in the mood for it. The way Remus described it, it didn't even have that interesting of a plot to it. Now, Sirius and I had just watched Amelie about 2 months ago. I loved that, I thought it was very funny. But this, this sounded like utter crap. In fact, it sounded like a French rip off of one of those bad Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks movies that run rampant around America. What was their first one? Sleepless in Seattle? Yes, this was a French rip off of Sleepless in Seattle. I can't wait.
We decided to grab some food first. I made sure to sit next to Remus of course. Aw, Sirius is certainly being nice today. He pulled out my chair for me. I'll need to make sure to find him a nice guy afterwards. He deserves it. He is looking better than he was at my flat. I swear he keeps giving me these sideways glances though. It is really weird. I haven't actually seen him do it, but I can feel it. Does that make any sense? I can just feel his eyes on me, and it is very intense. It's not uncomfortable, just strange.
"I promise you Moony, this is the last time I ever let you pick a movie. I know Harry agrees with me, and you don't have to be nice about it Harry, just tell him it's shit."
Oh my God, Remus just leaned over and put his arm around me.
"Now, now, Padfoot, just because you can't appreciate a good foreign film doesn't mean that Harry has the same problem. We aren't all uncultured prats like you. Right, Harry?"
Oh great. I can't tell Remus his movie is crap. But then again I can't say I want to see it because I don't and I know Sirius knows I don't. I didn't say it, but he just knows. Play dumb.
"Um, how about I stay out of this one and let you two argue it out. I just want to eat."
Sirius looked at me and smiled, "Traitor. But I do agree about the food."
"Don't tell me you actually agree with Padfoot, Harry."
"Pledge of neutrality."
Damn it, he just removed his arm. Maybe I should've agreed.
"Leave him alone Moony. Hey Harry, did you catch the Puddlemere match yesterday on the WNN?"
"Yep, Oliver has really been doing great recently. I think Ron was kind of pissed though because they crushed the Cannons."
"Ugh. I don't understand why he doesn't just find another team. The Cannons are awful and their team colors are disgusting. Orange? Who thought of that? I go blind every time I watch them play. That's just another testament to how much they suck. The other team can play with that bright orange glaring in their face and still kick the shit out of them."
"Can't you two find anything other then Quidditch to talk about?"
That is one of Remus's negative points. He isn't properly obsessed with Quidditch. I can never for the life of me figure out why. I can see that Sirius agrees as he is once again rolling his eyes.
"You're such a bloody muggle Remmie. You drag us to buy tickets to these horrid muggle foreign films and you hate Quidditch. What's wrong with you?"
"I don't HATE Quidditch. I just never got completely into it."
"He means he just can't play."
Oh, insert suggestive innuendo here.
I quickly brushed my hand down his arm and smiled.
"You can't play Remus? I'll teach you. You are welcome to get up on my broom whenever you like."
There is no way that went over his head. He is just staring blankly at me? Is Sirius choking?
"Siri? Are you okay?
"Yeah," he said with another choke. "I think my soda just went down the wrong pipe or something." He looked at me with that glazed over look again.
Still very strange.
"Okay, just, um, drink slower."
Dinner continued on much in this manner. We would talk, Remus and Sirius would bicker, I would be neutral while secretly agreeing with Sirius, I would then flirt shamelessly with a seemingly oblivious Remus, and Sirius would go into choking fits. About half way through dinner he started glaring daggers at Remus whenever Remus wasn't looking. I wonder if they are actually fighting.
Great, dinner is over. Time for the movie. I guess it won't be that bad, I will be able to sit in a dark room next to Remus for the next two hours while we watch a romance movie spoken in one the most romantic languages in the world. Okay, so it's really not that bad.
I quickly cut in front of Sirius in hopes to sit next to Remus in the theatre. Yes, victory is mine for the day. Wonderful. Is he leaning closer to me?
"Look Harry, sorry if you don't like the film. I wouldn't have picked it if I would've known Padfoot was going to be such a child and you weren't going to like it."
I smiled at him again, "No really Remus, it's fine. You wanted to see it and it was your turn to pick the movie. Plus, next week Siri gets to torture you with something I'm sure he knows you'll hate."
He chuckled. He has such a nice laugh. "Probably. Shh. . . it's starting."
Wow, this movie is insanely boring. I can tell Sirius feels my pain as he keeps leaning on me and falling asleep.
"Sorry," he whispers in my ear.
"It's okay. Just wake up about half way through it so I can go to sleep too."
He wasn't bothering me, really he wasn't. In fact, it was kind of comfortable in a strange type of way.
"This is ridiculous Harry. Next week I am going to torture him with some movie I know he'll hate. Maybe we can actually go see a wizarding film. A documentary on Quidditch."
I snorted, "I knew you would. I won't mind a documentary on Quidditch."
"Just no Cannons. I don't want to get a headache while watching the movie."
"Ugh, look at them on the screen. He looks like he is trying to swallow her whole."
Sirius leaned over and started whispering in my ear, "Je t'aime. Je t'aime, mon amour. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?"
I started giggling, I think Remus is giving us an evil look out of the corner of his eye. "Is that the extent of your French. 'I love you. I love you, my love. Do you want to sleep with me tonight?'"
"Yeah, it sounded more eloquent and romantic before you translated it though. So what do you say, how about we ditch this place and have a go of it in the bathroom? Damn I wish I could say that in French. I feel so cheap."
Is Sirius flirting with me? It sure seems like it. He is practically on top of me and whispering everything right next to my ear. But then again, we are in a movie theatre. What do I expect, him to shout it at me? Plus I'm sure if he was actually flirting with me I would feel a bit more uncomfortable then I do. Instead I just kind of lean into him, "Sounds more interesting than this."
"Well, I should hope so."
We both promptly begin to stifle our laughter again and I know this time Remus is giving us dirty looks. Oh well.
Looks like a complete failure for step 3 tonight.
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Extreme Step 1: So, things aren't going your way, are they? Well, don't fret! That's what the Extreme Section of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating is for! This is what we're here for. Maybe your stubbornly delicious man just needs a little push in the right direction. You know how some men can be, and maybe he is just no different. After all, we already know that he is the right one for you! So try this first step in our list of many emergency steps. Make him realize that you are not his doormat! You aren't just going to wait around for him to come to his senses. Show him that it is time that he goes after you. Find a nice, friendly wizard to go out on a date with. Someone who is sure to make your dream man jealous. Sure it sounds a little dirty, but you can bet he will be banging down on your door in no time, wanting you all for himself!
Hmmm. . . making Remus jealous? Can that really work?
Well, nothing else has worked otherwise. Maybe he is just scared to admit his feelings for me. After all, he is about 18 years older then me. But that really doesn't matter in the wizarding world. We've both got at least another 100 and something years on us. I don't know why he is being like this. It can't be that he just doesn't want me. That isn't possible.
Maybe the book is right. Maybe he is just sitting around, trying to come to terms with his feelings while I chase after him like an idiot. I feel so stupid doing it. Maybe it is time for Remus to realize that he needs to come to me. He needs to make the first move now, otherwise he is going to lose me.
Okay, this could work, I just need to figure out who. Ideally, what do I want to happen?
I need somebody who Remus knows it is possible it can mean something with. I also want it to be someone who I can trust to tell all of my problems to. Someone who would be willing to help me and not feel totally used. Somebody who it wouldn't be odd for him to tell all of the "details" of our date to Remus. Somebody Remus would feel comfortable telling to back off.
Hmmm. Oh this is perfect! Of course! Sirius! He will totally do this for me, and I know I can trust him with this. In fact, once I tell him, I bet he will offer to help me. Maybe he even knows what Remus feels for me. Not to mention for Sirius to tell his best friend about a date wouldn't be odd. Also, being best friends, Remus knows that he could respectfully tell Sirius to back off of me. Perfect. Now I just need to go over there and ask him.
"Black Manor!"
I hate floo, I really, really hate floo.
Wonderful Potter. What a graceful way to tumble out of somebody's fireplace.
"Harry? Are you okay? What's up?"
Yes, he's here!
"Sirius, great, you're here! I wanted to talk to you."
He looks nice today.
"Sure, come on, I was just pouring myself some tea, do you want some?"
"Um, sure Sirius, thanks."
"What kind?"
"I actually wouldn't mind a nice cup of Darjeeling if you have some."
Why am I suddenly feeling so nervous about this? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. This is Sirius. Sirius. It's fine. It's not like it is going to be an actual date.
"Sure, come on, sit down. So, I see you've gone back to jeans and glasses, huh?"
I laughed, "Well, yeah. Can't wear leather every day."
He grinned up at me mischievously, "Sure you can. . . if it suits you."
Okay, I am seriously beginning to think he is flirting with me.
"Plus, I like the glasses better anyway. The contacts bother my eyes."
Sirius walked over and sat next to me, my cup of tea in hand. "Thanks."
"Sure. You looked good last night you know. It was nice to see you without the glasses."
At least someone thought so. "Really?"
"Yeah," he reached over and took them off, "your eyes sparkle. I wish I could see them clearly more often."
Is it getting hot in here? Oh God, I think I'm blushing. Control. Must have control. You are here about Remus. Plus, Sirius isn't interested in you anyway. Damn it, why can't I control that stupid shy smile when it wants to creep onto my face. He probably thinks I'm an idiot.
"Thanks." Damn he's putting them back on. He looks like he may have been blushing a little too. Hmm, Sirius Black has blushed twice in two days. Strange things must be afoot.
"In fact, if I didn't know better I would almost think you were out to impress someone Harry. Were you?"
Well, that explains it. He was just trying to make me feel better. He knows about Remus. Shit. Well, at least I don't have to tell him now.
"Was it that obvious?"
He smiles. He has a really beautiful smile, I never really noticed before. "Well, Harry, in all the time I've known you I don't think I have ever seen you in leather, body clinging clothes, and wearing contact lenses. Plus, you were a little flirty last night."
Now it's my turn to blush. "Well, I figured it was about time to go for it, you know? I was getting so sick of just sitting on the sidelines and waiting. Always fucking waiting."
"I'm sorry Harry. You shouldn't have had to feel that way. You know, all you needed to do was tell how you feel."
Does that mean he knows how Remus feels about me? "You think?"
He looked me right in the eye, his eyes are rather pretty too. "Well, I should know, shouldn't I?"
I smiled, I can't believe it. Maybe there is a chance for Remus and me. "You really think he feels the same way, Sirius?"
Sirius's head all the sudden shot up and he looked very confused. "He?"
"Well, yes, Remus."
Is Sirius okay? He is suddenly looking ill again and can barely look at me. "Siri," I brush his face with my hand and make him look at me, "are you okay? You look either really sick or like you're about to cry."
"No, no," he chokes out. "I'm fine. I have been feeling a bit sick lately. It comes and goes."
"Well, maybe you should go to a doctor Sirius. You look awful."
He tried to smile up at me again, "Really, I'm fine. So, what did you need to talk about?"
"Well, I was actually going to tell you about Remus. Sirius, I need your help with this! You saw how he was last night. I got all dressed up, was trying to flirt like mad and nothing! If anything you seemed more interested than he did, and we both know about how far your romantic feelings for me extend!"
He suddenly looked very uncomfortable. I hope he is feeling all right. "Right, of course. So how can I help you Harry?"
"Well, I was reading this book - "
"A book?"
Shit, shouldn't have said that. "Um, yeah. Promise you won't laugh. Please!"
"Alright, I promise. Now what book?"
He's going to laugh. "TheCompleteIdiot'sGuideToDating."
"What?"
Okay. Time to steel myself. "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating."
Damn it! He's laughing. I started to throw pillows at him. "Sirius! Stop! You said you wouldn't laugh!"
"I'm sorry," he managed to get out between convulsions, "but really Harry. You have to admit. If it was me, you would be rolling on the floor."
Well, he's right.
"Okay, but let's pretend you don't find my problems amusing for a minute. I need you here Sirius!"
For some reason that made him stop. He looked up at me with amusement dancing in his eyes. There was also a hint of something else there behind it, but I couldn't tell what it was. "Okay, so tell me what this book has to do with me?"
"Alright, well, last night was a total failure. . ."
His face completely darkened at that. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of Remus and I dating.
". . .so this morning I was flipping through it and I found the emergency section with all the Extreme Steps."
He's laughing again. The bastard. "Siri!"
"Okay, okay. Emergency section. Extreme Steps. I'm listening."
"Alright, you better be. Well, the extreme steps said that I needed to make him come after me. That I shouldn't be a doormat."
"Makes sense, I suppose."
"Right. Well, it also said that I need to make him realize I won't wait around, to find someone else and make him see what he is missing."
"Make him jealous?"
"Yes!"
Sirius is beginning to confused again. "Okay, Harry, so what does this have to do with me? Do you want me to feed subliminal messages to him or something? Make up some love affair you are having and tell him about it?"
"Yes, kind of."
"You want me to make up a boyfriend for you?"
"Well, not make up really. Basically, Sirius. . ."
Wow, this is really uncomfortable. What am I worrying about?
". . .will you go out with me? You know, on a date?"
Okay, he's looking ill again. Oh God, he's going to say no. He's not going to want to. Great. Wait, what am I talking about. I didn't just really ask him out. I need to calm down.
"Please Sirius. I know I can trust you with this. I need you here, Siri."
He looked up at me again with those gorgeous eyes. Gorgeous? "You know I'll do anything for you Harry. All you have to do is ask. I just want to see you happy."
Why do I suddenly feel like melting on the spot? That's so sweet. He'll do anything for me? I don't think anyone has said anything like that to me. It's nice to know. So he is helping me with Remus? I could throw myself into his arms. Hell, I will. "Oh thank you Sirius! Thank you, thank you! You don't know how much this means to me!"
He smiles at me and leans into my embrace. "As long as you're happy."
I sit back and look at him. "If you're feeling better how about tonight. That way you can tell Remus all about it by tomorrow."
"Sure Harry. I'll be at your flat at 6 o'clock."
"Okay, bye Siri. Thank you so much!"
I give him a quick kiss on the cheek and floo home. This is going to work. This is going to work.
All right. It is nearly 3 o'clock. Let me just take a quick nap, shower, and then Sirius will be here. Shit. . .what am I going to wear? I don't even know where he is taking me!
Relax Potter!
Let's repeat this shall we, this is not a real date. This is not a real date.
Okay, but I still need to find something to wear. All right, well, jeans will probably be too casual. So I guess that leaves the only thing left in my closet. . . khakis. I could wear the leather pants again, but he just saw me in those. No, no, khakis.
Now for a shirt. What color to wear? Um, definitely not green! I just wore white last night, black is too depressing, how about a nice blue shirt? Yes, I like blue. So khakis that show off my ass nicely and a tight blue shirt. Very good.
Now let me just take a nap and I'll wake up in an hour and a half and start getting ready.
Okay.
Nice outfit. Check. Proper shower leaving me smelling nice and fresh. Check. Really good smelling cologne. Check. Date. Note quite yet.
"Harry, I'm here!"
Ah. . .
4. Date. Check.
Oh. My. God. Sirius looks absolutely gorgeous. I just can't seem to stop my eyes from wandering up and down Sirius's body. Apparently he does have more in his closet then just khakis. He has on a rather nice pair of black slacks. Yep, his ass definitely looks nice in those too. It must be more then the pants. He's also wearing a pretty sexy button down shirt. Black as well. Maybe it's not so depressing after all. The shirt was loose, but not loose in a sloppy way, loose in a comfortable way. He also had just enough buttons undone on the top to let you know what was hiding underneath without making it seem like he was trying to show off his chest. Which was very nice, it seemed. He should show it off. His hair looked like it was completely shinning, and is resting just in the middle of his neck like it normally does. It still had a bit of its normal wavy look going on, but I can tell he spent some time on it. Completely. Totally. Gorgeous.
"Um, hey Siri. Wow, you look great. I feel a bit underdressed now."
He finally noticed me and smiled. Merlin his smile lights up his entire face. "You look fine Harry, honestly, I don't really know where we are going yet, and I figured you could decide. After all this was your idea, right?"
Yes it was. One of the best ideas I've ever had, I daresay.
"Um, I hate to just go to dinner and a movie. We did just do that last night, kind of. You're Mr. Spontaneous, think of something!"
"Well. . . I was in Hogsmeade earlier and there is a carnival right outside the village we could go to, if you want. I would need to change though."
No, don't change. Please, don't change.
"A carnival would be really fun Siri, I've actually never been to one."
"You've never been? Well, that settles it, we're going. Let me just pop home real quick and change my pants. I'll be right back."
Sirius disappeared with a pop!. A carnival? I'm glad he found out about that. Hmmm, maybe I should change into a T-shirt. Yes, it's been rather hot out lately. Where did he say it was? Hogsmeade? I didn't even know wizards had carnivals. Shit. A wizard carnival? This is not good.
"Harry, I'm back! Are you ready?"
Mmm, he changed into a nice tight T-shirt and, my, my, a rather clingy- around-the-ass pair of jeans. I guess him changing wasn't that bad an idea after all.
"Um, Sirius, I was thinking. Maybe we should go do something else."
"No, no. You said you've never been to a carnival and I am not letting you get out of this."
"I just don't think it's that good an idea Sirius. I mean, it's bad enough when I go places, but now you're going to be with me on top of it? Every wizard in Hogsmeade is going to be all over us."
Sirius looked down, looking almost dejected. As quickly as it came the look passed and he managed a small smile. "It's okay Harry, I understand. I know this isn't a real date and you don't want any of the wizarding population to think that. It's fine, we can do whatever you want."
"What? Sirius, no, that's not what I mean at all! I really don't care what they think. I just want to spend the evening with you in peace. That's all. I want to not get molested on our way to the Ferris wheel."
Sirius seemed to perk up at this and smiled at me again, a genuine smile this time. I could really get used to watching him do that. "Well, you don't really have to worry about that anyway. I said it was outside of Hogsmeade, not in Hogsmeade. It's a good old-fashioned muggle carnival in a small village a couple of miles away. I just heard about it in passing when I stopped off at Three Broomsticks."
"Oh, well, what are you standing around here for then, Black? Get a move on, let's go to the carnival."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Before you go forward with any attempts to snag your special wizard, make sure he is the wizard for you! The biggest problem with dating today is that many witches and wizards have no ideal who their ideal mate should be! No, we wouldn't want you to go through all of this work to snag your man if he really isn't the man for you, now would we? Of course not. Just go through this easy checklist and make sure you are on the right track to complete bliss.
1. Make sure that you are not only attracted to him physically. You want a wizard who is not only dynamite in bed, but your best friend too.
"Oh, Sirius! I've always wanted to go on a Ferris wheel! Come with me, please?"
He's laughing again. I am really learning to love that sound lately. "Anything you want Harry. This is for you, right?"
"Oh God, Siri, I feel like I am regressing to a six year old here. It is getting kind of embarrassing. I'm amazed you even want to be seen with me."
"I could never not want to be seen with you Harry. Plus, you should regress. Take it from someone who resents growing up, it's good for the soul to act like your six, every once in a while."
"Mmm, every once in a while Siri. Not all the time like some people."
"What? I deserve some down time!"
"Yeah, we both do."
This night has been amazing and it isn't even dark out yet. I don't think I could've ever asked for a better date tonight than Sirius Black. I can't believe he actually took me here. It's kind of sweet if you think about it. Alright, you really don't need to think about it, it is just really incredible.
"Oh Merlin, Sirius, it's moving!"
"Well, Harry, Ferris wheels do tend to do that."
I don't know why but I start to giggle uncontrollably. Ugh, I remind myself of that horrid woman I met at the bookshop. Hey, how did I end up here? I don't remember snuggling up next to Sirius. Mmm, it doesn't matter. He is warm and comfortable, I think I'll stay.
"So, what is all this with you and Remus?"
Remus? Fuck! Right, Remus!
"I don't know. I mean, maybe there won't even ever be a me and Remus."
"Do you love him?"
"Yes, I suppose, I think. . ."
What am I saying? Of course I love Remus! Don't I?
"You think?"
"Well, I just don't know what love feels like I guess. I've never truly felt it before. Have you?"
"Honestly, yes."
"How did you know?"
Sirius stopped and looked over the edge of our little cart. He seemed to be thinking about it for a while before he answered me. "I don't know. I just did. It was like one day I just looked at him and was completely blown away. I felt so stupid for knowing him for so long and never noticing the way he laughed, or how handsome he was, or how incredibly selfless and kind he could be, and how his smile lit up my day. It was just like one day it kind of smacked me in the face, and I was in love. I can't really explain it."
Wow, do I really feel all that for Remus? I honestly don't know. I wonder who Sirius is talking about.
"Who was it, Siri?"
He looked at me for a while, almost like he wanted to say something, like he was contemplating it, but stopped. "It doesn't matter now, Harry. Don't worry about it."
"Whoever it is Sirius, they're pretty lucky you love them that much, you know?"
Sirius just smiled at me again. I really love that smile. "I like to think so. I wish they would see it that way. I mean, really see it, and not just believe it."
What does that mean?
2. Try to test out to see if he can care about you as more than a friend. Does he remember little things, like your favorite color, or what kind of sprinkles you like on your ice cream?
"Here, Harry. I know you said you wanted chocolate, but they had this Banana-Caramel-Vanilla thing and I got it for you. I remember you telling me once about something like that and how much you loved it. If not, you can always have mine, I got chocolate."
He remembered that?
"No, thanks Sirius. The banana is great. I had something like it in France once, it was incredible."
How did I end up leaning up against him again? I need to start being able to control my bodily movements. Perfect example is that left arm that just linked itself with his right. Damn.
"Mmm, Siri, this is even better than the one from before. Have some."
"It's okay Harry, it's yours."
I tried to give him my best glare and shoved the cone in his face. "Eat."
He began to laugh and quickly took a lick of the ice cream. Oh to be that ice cream. What? Where did that come from?
"God, that is good. I should've gotten some for myself. Oh well, maybe later."
"Yeah, or maybe next time we can just apparate over to Paris and I can take you to that little café Hermione and I went to so you can try the one I originally had."
"Next time? Why Harry James Potter, did you just ask me out on a second date? I'm flattered."
What a second date? Merlin, I did just kind of ask him out again, didn't I? Now I can't even control what I'm saying. Great.
"Well, um. . ."
"It's okay Harry, I was only joking. Plus, we already know the extent of my French. I wouldn't want the waiter to throw the ice cream back in my face."
I started laughing and blushing a little when I remembered last night. "Well, we would need Hermione anyway. What's sad is you know more French then I do."
"Do, I? Hmm, that is rather sad. You could always go with Moony. He knows French, speaks it fluently actually."
Oh yeah, Remus. Why do I keep forgetting about him? Did Sirius just pull me a little bit closer to him? Merlin he feels nice. What was I thinking about again, oh, right Remus. . .
"Maybe, if he even wants to go."
"He would have to be absolutely insane to ever turn you down, Harry. Completely off his rocker."
3. Make sure he has a good sense of humor. Anybody can make you laugh. But your man should be able to make you completely smile. You'll know it's right when his antics send you into hysterical bliss.
"Sirius, you're horrible! You should really stop!"
"What you think it's funny, or is that not your hysterical laughter I hear to my right?"
Okay, well it is pretty funny. I absolutely cannot believe him. I take that back, this is vintage Sirius Black. We have been hiding between bushes for a good 20 minutes now. Sirius decided it would be fun to scare the shit out of this one man we have dubbed The Evil Vendor. He runs one of those stupid games you play where you shoot the water out of the gun at the target. Then that little fish or shark, or bear, or whatever needs to win the race. Well, this man has been screaming at everyone all night. Even the children are afraid of him. He actually killed some little girl's goldfish! Albeit it was an accident, but when he yelled at her for crying and told her to find her mother it was a little out of line. Then when he screamed at me when he practically threw himself on top of me, Sirius had had enough. So, for the past 20 minutes we've been hiding and charming all the little toys around his stand to change color and switch places. He thinks he's going crazy. Sirius even changed the little fish in the game to lions. That really made the asshole pale.
"Okay, so he deserves it, but Sirius, you're going to send him to the mental ward, really!"
Somehow this didn't have the desired affect as I said it between fits of hysterical laughter at the dancing teddy bear Sirius had just created.
"So, what? He practically assaulted you then had the nerve to yell at you for it. Personally, I think he was trying to cop a feel."
"Oh, I'm sure Sirius."
"He was! Who wouldn't try?"
It's dark, but I think I see him blushing again. "Well, you haven't groped me yet."
He looked over at me and smiled one of those horrible mischievous smiles, the one he has when I know he is about to do something he shouldn't. "Yet." I looked at him, rather confused, until he about jumped on me and pinched my ass. I know I should be indignant or something, or even a little uncomfortable but I couldn't help breaking out into another fit of laughter and hoping that maybe, just maybe, he'd pinch it again.
"Ugh, you're such a hound Sirius."
"Actually, I don't know what breed I am. I like to think that maybe I am a mix between an Irish wolfhound and a Black Lab though."
I decided to acknowledge this by raising an eyebrow at him and then laughing hysterically again at his completely serious face.
"What? I don't suppose you think I'm a cocker spaniel."
4. Make sure you're not confusing loving somebody with being in love with somebody. It is a very common mistake. I have many friends who I love dearly, yet could never spend the rest of my life with them. Does he give you butterflies in your stomach? Do you feel a bit of singe from wherever he has touched your skin? Do you find yourself constantly thinking about him on some type of totally unrelated train of thought or in a completely inappropriate moment? Well, then my friend, maybe you are in love.
"Thank you Sirius, tonight was really incredible. You didn't have to do all that for me."
"You're right. I didn't have to. I wanted to though. You had fun?"
Is he insane? That is quite possibly the best time I've had with anyone, ever.
"Of course. It was amazing Sirius. The night was amazing, the carnival was amazing, the ice cream was amazing. . ."
He flashed one of those heartbreakingly beautiful smiles here.
". . .you were amazing."
Where did that come from? Oh shit, I said it out loud? His smile seemed to get even brighter though, so it was okay. As long as he kept looking at me and smiling at me like that.
"You have a leaf in your hair."
"What?"
"A leaf. You know, those things on trees, and coincidentally, bushes. You have one in your hair."
"Oh."
That was all I could really seem to say at the moment. Everything sane and coherent flew out of my mind. All I could think about and all I registered was Sirius moving closer to me. He put one hand on my shoulder and ran the other through my hair. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as he looked down at me.
"It's gone."
"Good."
Then I could see and feel him moving closer to me. The way his hand felt as it slowly moved out of my hair and cupped my face. He went very slowly, and taking what seemed like an eternity. Finally he was millimeters from my lips. Oh God, his breath felt so good and so hot as it lightly hit my face. He smells rather nice too. That was the last thought I had before his lips descended onto mine. It was nice, very nice. They were warm and soft. He was actually very gentle. It was surprising at first when I thought of how passionate he always is, but not so surprising really when I remembered how sweet and caring he is as well. It seemed totally out of my control and I could feel my lips moving against his and my arms snaking around his neck. Suddenly, just as I was about to run my fingers through his hair, he pulled away.
"Oh God, Harry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that, I really didn't mean to. Well, I meant to obviously, but, oh God, you hate me don't you?"
Well, since he ripped his lips off of mine I am actually considering it.
"Hate you? Sirius, of course I don't hate you!"
He seemed to sigh in relief. "Thank you. I couldn't stand it if you hated me. How could I be so stupid! Of course you wouldn't want me to kiss you. You don't love me. . .you love Remus."
He practically spat out the name, and to tell you the truth I was rather shocked. I really hadn't thought of Remus most of the night. The only time I really did was when Sirius brought him up. Sirius, with his gorgeous sparkling eyes, his brilliant smile, wonderful sense of humor, kindness, intelligence, caring, and oh so soft and smooth lips.
Oh God, Sirius. How could I be so stupid? All this time I've been chasing after Remus and. . .just let me put it this way, kissing Remus was nice. Awkward, uncomfortable, but nice. But Merlin, when Sirius just pulled his lips away from mine I thought I was going to die. I can still feel the fire from where they were just moments before. I love Remus, I do. I was just looking in the wrong place for being in love. He's nice and kind, and yeah, he's smart and pretty cute. But damn it all, I'm in love with Sirius Black. It's suddenly so painfully clear to me. How could I have missed it? I guess it is just like Sirius said, you look up one day and bang, you're in love. Honestly, Remus doesn't even like Quidditch!
"I said I thought I loved Remus, Sirius."
He looked up at me confused for a second. "Thought. I wasn't sure. Remember I told you I didn't know what love felt like?"
"Yes, but what do you mean Harry, what are you saying?"
"I actually would rather say nothing at all."
So, I did it. With that I crossed the 10 feet to where Sirius now stood, wrapped my arms around his neck, and kissed him. I think he was kind of surprised at first, since he didn't even move. But then, before I even could finish that thought he threw an arm around my waist and attacked my mouth. Merlin yes, kissing Remus Lupin was not like this. Fire and ice ran through my veins and I can feel his hands roaming all over me. Is that his tongue licking my bottom lip? Well, far be it from me to stop it from doing what it pleases. Yes, it is rather smart for a tongue. Inside my mouth is definitely a better place for it to be. We just stand there and kiss and touch for what seems like minutes, or hours, or seconds, or just some immeasurable unit of time. We finally just fall back on the couch and stop, just staring at each other while I lay in his arms.
"Are you sure, Harry? About me, about us?"
"I've never been more positive about anything Siri. I looked up at you today and realized, like you said it would be, I was in love."
He nuzzled my head and kissed my hair. This feels perfect. "It was you, by the way."
"What was me?"
"Before, when I told you how it felt to be in love, you asked me who I was talking about. It was you."
I smiled at that revelation. He loved me. He loved me? I suddenly started to feel very sick. What had I done to him?
"Harry, are you okay? You tensed up. You are sure - "
"Oh God, Sirius, how do you not hate me? I dragged you out on what was supposed to be some fake date so I could get into your best friend's pants! I feel horrible. Why did you even agree to this lunacy?"
"I just wanted you to be happy Harry. I told you, I would do anything for you."
Another sickening realization came over me.
"You thought I was talking about you before, didn't you? You were trying to tell me how you felt and I ruined it by breaking out with how I was trying to impress Remus."
Sirius looked a bit sheepish at this. "Yeah, but it's okay. It all worked out in the end, right?"
I turned my head up and looked into those eyes. "Yes, definitely."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you, Rubiana Warlissa! I could've never gotten my man without your help and of course the helpful tips in The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating. Every single one of them backfired on me with complete and total precision! Absolutely nothing worked on my target man, but it's fine! Thanks to your useless piece of shit book, I found an even better one! I know I speak for millions of witches and wizards everywhere when I say this book is the best personal doorstop I have ever had. Write on, Rubiana. Cheers!
Yours truly,
Harry Potter Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Chief Hogwarts Governor, Order of Merlin- First Class, and Happily Betrothed Lucky Bastard
A/N: This is slash, and Harry/ Sirius slash at that. So if either of those two things bothers you, look up, and hit that back button. There is also an NC-17 version of this story that is over at canis_major, the Harry and Sirius yahoo! Group (). Reviews appreciated as always. Enjoy!
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating
Bugger. Bollocks. Damn. Shit. Fuck.
Harry could not believe he had allowed himself to get to this level. He was The-Boy-Who-Lived! Six time defeater of Voldemort! The most eligible bachelor in the entire wizarding world! He could have almost anyone. Almost. In accordance with the rest of his past luck, the one that Harry wanted, of course, did not fall into that category. So that brings us back to the complete and utter revulsion, the total embarrassment, and horrible shame that Harry was about to subject himself to. He steeled himself and walked towards the counter. Damn that perky blonde and her fake, recyclable cheer. He reached the counter and laid it down. . .the object of his humiliation.
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating: Not Only Finding the Right Wizard for You, But Expert Tips on how to Catch Him
By: Rubiana Warlissa
Expert in the Field of Magical Matters of the Heart
Please don't let her recognize me. Please don't let her recognize me.
"Oh my god! Are you Harry Potter?"
Fuck. I should've Polyjuiced myself into Ron. Think she would believe it if I said, 'No'?
"Yes, yes I am. Nice to meet you."
"OH MY GOD! IT'S HARRY POTTER!"
At this, everyone within an infinite mile radius of the bookshop turned and stared. Harry watched in complete fear for his life and sanity as all of their eyes uniformly flickered up to that damn scar, to his trademark messy hair, back to his face, and up and down the rest of his body. Some witches and wizards licked their lips, as they had obviously been visually undressing him, and a couple of teenybopper witches fainted. He thinks. That's the only reason he could come up with for that stack of books suddenly falling to the ground at an unfortunately not-so-rapid rate.
As disgusting as this scene was, Harry was used to it. He tried to avoid going out as much as possible. It was one thing when he was in Hogwarts and had just been The-Boy-Who-Lived. Then, people only thought he was some child wonder. It was nothing he did, just luck. But now.now, he was the one who had managed to defeat Voldemort six times. The Wizarding World practically worshipped him. He was their hero.
However, it took some work to defeat Voldemort. He trained in his fifth, sixth, and seventh years before finally finishing the job in the middle of his seventh year. That combined with all of the Quidditch had certainly managed to improve his once short and somewhat scrawny body. He was only 5'10", never having had nearly as big a growth spurt as Ron, but he did manage to bulk up a bit. He was rather lean, with a good amount of muscle on him. Not too much though, but enough to suit him. It was also enough for the Wizarding World to not only worship him as a wizard, but to also hang up pictures of him in their houses and drool all day. He supposed they all found him kind of sexy. Hermione had once told him that if she weren't with Ron, he'd be in trouble. Needless to say when Ron found out about that comment he was in trouble anyway.
However, that is not the trouble at hand. No, no. . .the trouble at hand is everyone in this damn store staring at him and the fact that Blondie here won't ring up his book.
Just let me keep some dignity.
"It is so nice to meet you Mr. Potter. So tell me, what brings you to our nice little store here?"
Ugh. Did she just try to shove her chest in his face?
"Um, well.I was hoping to buy a book."
At this, she started giggling uncontrollably. "A book!" She giggled some more, reminding him eerily of Lavender and Parvati during their early days in Divination. "Of course you are buying a book silly!"
Harry stared at her in disbelief. Just ring it up. "Um, right. That is why one comes to a book shop, no?"
She broke down into another fit of hysterics. "Oh my," she sighed, "handsome, powerful, and funny too."
Harry quickly scanned the room for the nearest wall to repeatedly bang his head against.
"Let's see. . .so what are you buying today Harry."
Oh no. Please no. No no no no no.
"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating?"
Harry managed a weak smile and lamely answered, "Er, not for me?"
At this the cashier broke down one last, and if Harry had any say in it, one final, time. "Of course not! What was I thinking? Why would you, Harry Potter, need a book like this! You have to have people throwing themselves at you all the time! That must be hard," she slowly licked her lips, "some people just have no respect for themselves."
"Yeah, absolutely."
Can we get this over with?
"Well, Harry. . ."
Harry?
". . .that's going to be 10 sickles."
Harry quickly extracted his money from his bag and practically threw it at the girl. "Thanks, really." Harry started running towards the door.
"Do come back Harry! ANYTIME!"
Harry finally reached the sacred gates of heaven. . .the front door to the bookshop. Oh god yes! Fresh air! The sweet smell of freedom. Oh no. Please tell me that is not some sex-depraved wizard that is following me out of the bookstore. Shit. Must apparate home. Must apparate home. Finally, with a small pop! Harry escaped, reaching the safe recesses of his cozy London flat.
He collapsed on the couch and promptly started to smother himself with a pillow.
No man was worth the hell he had endured today.
No man.
Damn you, Remus Lupin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Step 1: Make sure you have the right man for you. Just follow this easy checklist scoring up the points at the end. Our foolproof system can tell you exactly how compatible you are with that delicious wizard you think you love.
"Checklist. . .what rubbish. As if I need a checklist to be able to sort out my feelings!"
How did I ever end up in this mess? Remus, that's how I ended up in this mess. Remus Lupin.
It all started back in seventh year. After all, I didn't even realize I was gay until my sixth year. Which is another mystery, I'm gay, everybody knows I'm gay, it's not really something the wizarding world dwells on like muggles, and yet, idiotic and bubbly women still attack me. It is really quite annoying.
Anyway. . .Remus.
I started to really notice him back in my seventh year. He had come back to teach that year so I got to spend a proper amount of time with him. He looked so much different then he did when he first started teaching in my third year. I suppose finding out all of your best friends aren't, a) dead or b) responsible for aforementioned deaths, is probably good for the body, heart, and mind. It most definitely showed on Remus. That gray that used to be flecked in his hair had pretty much disappeared and he just generally looked like he was taking better care of himself. You knew he was someone not to mess with. . . a far cry from the person Ron and I thought would break if you touched him. He also had nicer robes that weren't so tattered and torn. I always thought though that Sirius was responsible for the robes. Remus just wasn't really the type to care, but Sirius would not have his best friend out teaching and looking like a ruffian- that was his job, and one he pulls off quite well might I add. He has this somewhat tattered leather jacket that, even though I am always threatening to buy him a new one, I secretly think it looks absolutely delectable on him and-
Remus. Right, back on track. So basically, Remus looked good. I really didn't notice it at first, but I did notice Lavender and Parvati out in dreamland through all of our DADA classes. All of Gryffindor house had become a lot closer because of the war so I had no trouble approaching them and asking what the hell was up. I was shocked when Lavender started giggling, Parvati started sighing, and then both jumped on me and begged me for information, or even to set them up with one Remus Lupin. I of course had to sadly inform them that Remus was in fact- gay. I held them both as they cried on my shoulder for the next half hour.
But they did get me thinking about Remus. So the next day in DADA I checked him out, and damn it all if they weren't right. . .Remus was hot. They way he looked, the way he talked, just everything. Yummy. So from that point on I developed quite the crush on Remus. As time passed and I spent more time around him, I started noticing his other fine points such as: his innate kindness, his patience, his good sense of humor, his strength, and the tortured werewolf thing kind of got to me too. So from there, the crush thing kind of morphed into what it is today. I am pretty sure it is love. After all, how is one supposed to know what they haven't ever felt before? I did actually kiss him once before, completely by accident though. We were celebrating Voldemort's defeat and I was totally pissed. As was he. I don't know what made me do it, but I just leaned over and kissed him. It felt a little odd, but we were drunk after all. Luckily he didn't even remember that night in the morning. I feel happy when I'm around Remus. I just like being with him. I think I am capable of sorting out what I feel, aren't I? Yes, I am. Who needs this stupid checklist?
With that I picked it up and threw it in the trashcan.
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Step 2: Good job! I take it if you are here you have made sure you have the right man for you. Well, aren't you a lucky one? Now we can start on catching you a wizard! First of all, we need to make sure that your special wizard notices you are alive, breathing and datable. I cannot stress that enough. We don't want him to get to know you and think- 'FRIEND! FRIEND! FRIEND!'- oh, how horrible that would be! So let him know you exist! Strut your stuff and we are sure he will leave with nothing on his mind but you, you, you!
Okay, strut my stuff. I can do that. Thank Merlin I have stuff to strut. Alright what to do, what to do. . .
Got it!
Remus and Sirius should be over in about a half hour; I did promise them I would go with them to see a movie. I'll just have to make sure Remus notices me while I get ready.
I looked down at myself. A pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt. Time to lose the shirt. As I take off the shirt and throw it in my ever-growing pile of laundry, which I seem to be too lazy to do- even the magical way, I have to smirk. Remus will definitely notice me today. Now what to wear. . .
Faded yet kind of tight around the ass area jeans? Nope. Too normal.
Khakis? They do fit my butt nice, but no. Sirius lives in khakis, Remus won't take notice if I wear them too. Come to think of it Sirius's butt always looks really, really, really nice in his khakis. I wonder if it is a khaki thing. Or maybe he just has a really nice-
Clothes for Remus.
More jeans. No.
More khakis. No.
DO I OWN ANYTHING OTHER THEN JEANS AND KHAKIS?
Then, I hit the jackpot. Oh yes, these would be perfect. Draco bought these for me and I laughed in his face, never thinking I would actually wear them. They have been collecting dust in this bag at the end of my closet since we left Hogwarts. But now, they will come in useful. I quickly got down on my hands and knees and thanked every listening deity that Draco had come over to the light and become friends with me, because without which this would not be possible. Leather pants. Yes!
Now for a shirt. . .preferably something tight. Didn't Draco get me a tight, green, silk shirt to go with these? I think it was green, he made some stupid comment about it matching my eyes. Why are people so obsessed with my clothing matching my eyes? Every single time I wear green some person chimes in with, 'Oh look Harry! It matches your eyes!'. Remus did that a couple of weeks ago, it kind of pissed me off. But luckily before it could go any further Sirius chimed in with, 'Thanks a lot Moony, because nobody in here knew his eyes were green beforehand. Now due to your never ending astute observations I will never go around talking about Harry's brown eyes again.'
I smiled at this and swallowed any comments I might have had. I can always count on Sirius to voice my somewhat sarcastic thoughts. They often seem to match his.
Here it is! Hey, it's white! Maybe he only told me he was thinking of buying a green one? But, oh well. . .it fits nice. Now time to throw these on my bed, run downstairs and wait shirtless for Remus.
"Harry! Are you home?"
Or looks like I won't be waiting at all. Sirius is here, so I'm sure that means Remus is with him.
"Yeah Sirius, hold on a second! Is Remus with you?"
"Yeah, hey Harry."
Yes. Time to go downstairs. I quickly exited my room and assured I had an appropriate amount of half-nakedness going on. Good, good.
"Hey guys, decide what move you want to see?"
Damn it, Remus isn't really reacting, he just gave me a once over and nothing. Is Sirius okay? He looks kind of faint, and like he is holding onto that end table for support over there. Mmm, but he is wearing that jacket I like.
"Are you okay, Sirius? I also thought I told you to buy a new jacket!"
He looked up at me, eyes wide and glazed over. "Yeah, I'm fine Harry. Fine. So are you . . . I mean, so how, how are you?"
He tried to straighten himself up and turned kind of red. I swear I also just heard him mutter, 'Idiot!', to himself. Odd.
"Yeah, I'm well. Sorry, I lost track of time." Hope they buy that. I then turn to look at Remus. Ugh! Still no reaction. In fact he kind of looks like he is stifling laughter. If I didn't know better I would say I have more of an effect on Sirius then Remus! All right, I need to make him notice me then. Maybe I'll reach out and lightly touch his shoulder. Okay, well, at least he is looking now. "Let me get ready, you guys can decide what to do, okay?"
"Sure Harry," Remus replied with a smile.
I turned around and flashed my best award-winning smile in his direction. Yes, he smiled back! Is Sirius grabbing that table again? Maybe he should really be home.
I quickly run upstairs. Why did Remus just suddenly break down into hysterics? Maybe Sirius finally fainted or something. Anyway, time to put on The Outfit. Remus might not have reacted much outwardly, but he has never been as forward with his emotions and reactions like Sirius is. So I guess it's hard to tell. There is no way he can miss me though in The Outfit. Ugh, these clothes are clinging to me. It's not my usual style at all, note all the jeans and khakis, but I guess Draco was right. It does look kind of good. Alright, it looks really good. These pants cling to my ass perfectly. This shirt is great too. You can see my muscles through it very nicely. Yet, somehow, I manage not to look overly flaming or male whore-y. Props to Draco. I will most definitely have to thank him for this. Okay, one last look in the mirror and. . .
Oh no. Shit.
I totally forgot about my glasses. Okay, this looks ridiculous with my glasses on. No! I like The Outfit. I will not change! I could always get rid of them. But those damn eyesight correction spells never work on me. My vision is just THAT shitty. Wait! I think Hermione once bought me a pair of contacts. I never used those either, but please, please, please, let me have them.
Lotion, toothbrush, hairbrush, toothpaste, soap, floss, eye drops. . .getting close, and, yes! I think these are them. Now if only I can put these in without poking my eye out.
Ow!
Okay, let's try that again. Line it up with my eye and position it in. Almost, almost. . . alright, one! I am really good today. Hmmm, the second one isn't as hard.
Okay, let's go through the list.
Sexy outfit. Check. Contact lenses. Check. Eye drops for eyes so they don't start burning with aforementioned contact lenses. Check. Sexy and hopefully eager Remus downstairs. Check.
Okay, Potter. This will work. This will work.
"Okay, ready, did you decide what we're seeing?"
Remus just raised an eyebrow and. . .what the hell? Okay, Sirius is really starting to worry me. He practically did just faint. If my couch wasn't there he would most likely be on the ground right now, seeing as he literally fell back onto it.
He did however, manage to choke out a meager, "H-Harry?"
"Sirius?" Odd, odd, odd.
"I think, Harry, that Sirius here is just a bit, um, shocked at your current choice of dress."
So Remus noticed this. Very good. Okay, try to look modest and shocked about it. Like it is not part of some evil master plan.
"Oh, yeah, well. . . Draco bought this for me awhile ago and I think he is kind of annoyed I never wear it. So I decided to wear it tonight just to tell him I did and lessen my amount of embarrassment since I'm with you two." Also in hopes that you'll jump me by the end of the night Remus.
"Ah," said Remus, "where are your glasses though?"
I inwardly smiled. Mission accomplished. "Oh, really, Remus. . . glasses, with this outfit?"
"Yes, I suppose that wouldn't work," he added and then smiled at me.
"Do you think this looks alright though, Remus? I did feel a bit self- conscious putting it on."
"Great," Sirius quickly chimed in. "You look really, really nice, and tight, the clothes are tight. Yes, especially the shirt, and, um -"
"You look fine Harry."
Fine, just fine? He should be down on his knees worshipping at my altar damn it! No, he knows I look more then fine. I can see a gleam, I think, in his eye.
"Okay, well, let's go."
Sirius staggered up finally, hanging his head down and I swear he is still muttering to himself. Hmm, how does he always manage to get his ass to look so good in his pants? I'll have to ask him about that in an unembarrassing way for future reference.
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Step 3: Well, he noticed you, what a lucky one you must be if you are at this point. Well, of course, with our foolproof method, how could you not be? It is time for you to be bold, exert yourself, show that wizard you mean business! Get close to him during your time together, and yes I mean physically. Sit next to him whenever possible and subtly try to show your interest. Flirt. Be a little touchy-feely with him, and a little innuendo never hurt anyone! Go for it!
Well, we decided it was Remus's turn to pick the movie. Mistake. He chose some foreign film, French actually. Sirius and I just looked at each other and rolled our eyes. It wasn't that either of us had anything against French films, or any foreign film for that matter, because we didn't. We just needed to be in the mood for it. The way Remus described it, it didn't even have that interesting of a plot to it. Now, Sirius and I had just watched Amelie about 2 months ago. I loved that, I thought it was very funny. But this, this sounded like utter crap. In fact, it sounded like a French rip off of one of those bad Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks movies that run rampant around America. What was their first one? Sleepless in Seattle? Yes, this was a French rip off of Sleepless in Seattle. I can't wait.
We decided to grab some food first. I made sure to sit next to Remus of course. Aw, Sirius is certainly being nice today. He pulled out my chair for me. I'll need to make sure to find him a nice guy afterwards. He deserves it. He is looking better than he was at my flat. I swear he keeps giving me these sideways glances though. It is really weird. I haven't actually seen him do it, but I can feel it. Does that make any sense? I can just feel his eyes on me, and it is very intense. It's not uncomfortable, just strange.
"I promise you Moony, this is the last time I ever let you pick a movie. I know Harry agrees with me, and you don't have to be nice about it Harry, just tell him it's shit."
Oh my God, Remus just leaned over and put his arm around me.
"Now, now, Padfoot, just because you can't appreciate a good foreign film doesn't mean that Harry has the same problem. We aren't all uncultured prats like you. Right, Harry?"
Oh great. I can't tell Remus his movie is crap. But then again I can't say I want to see it because I don't and I know Sirius knows I don't. I didn't say it, but he just knows. Play dumb.
"Um, how about I stay out of this one and let you two argue it out. I just want to eat."
Sirius looked at me and smiled, "Traitor. But I do agree about the food."
"Don't tell me you actually agree with Padfoot, Harry."
"Pledge of neutrality."
Damn it, he just removed his arm. Maybe I should've agreed.
"Leave him alone Moony. Hey Harry, did you catch the Puddlemere match yesterday on the WNN?"
"Yep, Oliver has really been doing great recently. I think Ron was kind of pissed though because they crushed the Cannons."
"Ugh. I don't understand why he doesn't just find another team. The Cannons are awful and their team colors are disgusting. Orange? Who thought of that? I go blind every time I watch them play. That's just another testament to how much they suck. The other team can play with that bright orange glaring in their face and still kick the shit out of them."
"Can't you two find anything other then Quidditch to talk about?"
That is one of Remus's negative points. He isn't properly obsessed with Quidditch. I can never for the life of me figure out why. I can see that Sirius agrees as he is once again rolling his eyes.
"You're such a bloody muggle Remmie. You drag us to buy tickets to these horrid muggle foreign films and you hate Quidditch. What's wrong with you?"
"I don't HATE Quidditch. I just never got completely into it."
"He means he just can't play."
Oh, insert suggestive innuendo here.
I quickly brushed my hand down his arm and smiled.
"You can't play Remus? I'll teach you. You are welcome to get up on my broom whenever you like."
There is no way that went over his head. He is just staring blankly at me? Is Sirius choking?
"Siri? Are you okay?
"Yeah," he said with another choke. "I think my soda just went down the wrong pipe or something." He looked at me with that glazed over look again.
Still very strange.
"Okay, just, um, drink slower."
Dinner continued on much in this manner. We would talk, Remus and Sirius would bicker, I would be neutral while secretly agreeing with Sirius, I would then flirt shamelessly with a seemingly oblivious Remus, and Sirius would go into choking fits. About half way through dinner he started glaring daggers at Remus whenever Remus wasn't looking. I wonder if they are actually fighting.
Great, dinner is over. Time for the movie. I guess it won't be that bad, I will be able to sit in a dark room next to Remus for the next two hours while we watch a romance movie spoken in one the most romantic languages in the world. Okay, so it's really not that bad.
I quickly cut in front of Sirius in hopes to sit next to Remus in the theatre. Yes, victory is mine for the day. Wonderful. Is he leaning closer to me?
"Look Harry, sorry if you don't like the film. I wouldn't have picked it if I would've known Padfoot was going to be such a child and you weren't going to like it."
I smiled at him again, "No really Remus, it's fine. You wanted to see it and it was your turn to pick the movie. Plus, next week Siri gets to torture you with something I'm sure he knows you'll hate."
He chuckled. He has such a nice laugh. "Probably. Shh. . . it's starting."
Wow, this movie is insanely boring. I can tell Sirius feels my pain as he keeps leaning on me and falling asleep.
"Sorry," he whispers in my ear.
"It's okay. Just wake up about half way through it so I can go to sleep too."
He wasn't bothering me, really he wasn't. In fact, it was kind of comfortable in a strange type of way.
"This is ridiculous Harry. Next week I am going to torture him with some movie I know he'll hate. Maybe we can actually go see a wizarding film. A documentary on Quidditch."
I snorted, "I knew you would. I won't mind a documentary on Quidditch."
"Just no Cannons. I don't want to get a headache while watching the movie."
"Ugh, look at them on the screen. He looks like he is trying to swallow her whole."
Sirius leaned over and started whispering in my ear, "Je t'aime. Je t'aime, mon amour. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?"
I started giggling, I think Remus is giving us an evil look out of the corner of his eye. "Is that the extent of your French. 'I love you. I love you, my love. Do you want to sleep with me tonight?'"
"Yeah, it sounded more eloquent and romantic before you translated it though. So what do you say, how about we ditch this place and have a go of it in the bathroom? Damn I wish I could say that in French. I feel so cheap."
Is Sirius flirting with me? It sure seems like it. He is practically on top of me and whispering everything right next to my ear. But then again, we are in a movie theatre. What do I expect, him to shout it at me? Plus I'm sure if he was actually flirting with me I would feel a bit more uncomfortable then I do. Instead I just kind of lean into him, "Sounds more interesting than this."
"Well, I should hope so."
We both promptly begin to stifle our laughter again and I know this time Remus is giving us dirty looks. Oh well.
Looks like a complete failure for step 3 tonight.
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Extreme Step 1: So, things aren't going your way, are they? Well, don't fret! That's what the Extreme Section of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating is for! This is what we're here for. Maybe your stubbornly delicious man just needs a little push in the right direction. You know how some men can be, and maybe he is just no different. After all, we already know that he is the right one for you! So try this first step in our list of many emergency steps. Make him realize that you are not his doormat! You aren't just going to wait around for him to come to his senses. Show him that it is time that he goes after you. Find a nice, friendly wizard to go out on a date with. Someone who is sure to make your dream man jealous. Sure it sounds a little dirty, but you can bet he will be banging down on your door in no time, wanting you all for himself!
Hmmm. . . making Remus jealous? Can that really work?
Well, nothing else has worked otherwise. Maybe he is just scared to admit his feelings for me. After all, he is about 18 years older then me. But that really doesn't matter in the wizarding world. We've both got at least another 100 and something years on us. I don't know why he is being like this. It can't be that he just doesn't want me. That isn't possible.
Maybe the book is right. Maybe he is just sitting around, trying to come to terms with his feelings while I chase after him like an idiot. I feel so stupid doing it. Maybe it is time for Remus to realize that he needs to come to me. He needs to make the first move now, otherwise he is going to lose me.
Okay, this could work, I just need to figure out who. Ideally, what do I want to happen?
I need somebody who Remus knows it is possible it can mean something with. I also want it to be someone who I can trust to tell all of my problems to. Someone who would be willing to help me and not feel totally used. Somebody who it wouldn't be odd for him to tell all of the "details" of our date to Remus. Somebody Remus would feel comfortable telling to back off.
Hmmm. Oh this is perfect! Of course! Sirius! He will totally do this for me, and I know I can trust him with this. In fact, once I tell him, I bet he will offer to help me. Maybe he even knows what Remus feels for me. Not to mention for Sirius to tell his best friend about a date wouldn't be odd. Also, being best friends, Remus knows that he could respectfully tell Sirius to back off of me. Perfect. Now I just need to go over there and ask him.
"Black Manor!"
I hate floo, I really, really hate floo.
Wonderful Potter. What a graceful way to tumble out of somebody's fireplace.
"Harry? Are you okay? What's up?"
Yes, he's here!
"Sirius, great, you're here! I wanted to talk to you."
He looks nice today.
"Sure, come on, I was just pouring myself some tea, do you want some?"
"Um, sure Sirius, thanks."
"What kind?"
"I actually wouldn't mind a nice cup of Darjeeling if you have some."
Why am I suddenly feeling so nervous about this? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. This is Sirius. Sirius. It's fine. It's not like it is going to be an actual date.
"Sure, come on, sit down. So, I see you've gone back to jeans and glasses, huh?"
I laughed, "Well, yeah. Can't wear leather every day."
He grinned up at me mischievously, "Sure you can. . . if it suits you."
Okay, I am seriously beginning to think he is flirting with me.
"Plus, I like the glasses better anyway. The contacts bother my eyes."
Sirius walked over and sat next to me, my cup of tea in hand. "Thanks."
"Sure. You looked good last night you know. It was nice to see you without the glasses."
At least someone thought so. "Really?"
"Yeah," he reached over and took them off, "your eyes sparkle. I wish I could see them clearly more often."
Is it getting hot in here? Oh God, I think I'm blushing. Control. Must have control. You are here about Remus. Plus, Sirius isn't interested in you anyway. Damn it, why can't I control that stupid shy smile when it wants to creep onto my face. He probably thinks I'm an idiot.
"Thanks." Damn he's putting them back on. He looks like he may have been blushing a little too. Hmm, Sirius Black has blushed twice in two days. Strange things must be afoot.
"In fact, if I didn't know better I would almost think you were out to impress someone Harry. Were you?"
Well, that explains it. He was just trying to make me feel better. He knows about Remus. Shit. Well, at least I don't have to tell him now.
"Was it that obvious?"
He smiles. He has a really beautiful smile, I never really noticed before. "Well, Harry, in all the time I've known you I don't think I have ever seen you in leather, body clinging clothes, and wearing contact lenses. Plus, you were a little flirty last night."
Now it's my turn to blush. "Well, I figured it was about time to go for it, you know? I was getting so sick of just sitting on the sidelines and waiting. Always fucking waiting."
"I'm sorry Harry. You shouldn't have had to feel that way. You know, all you needed to do was tell how you feel."
Does that mean he knows how Remus feels about me? "You think?"
He looked me right in the eye, his eyes are rather pretty too. "Well, I should know, shouldn't I?"
I smiled, I can't believe it. Maybe there is a chance for Remus and me. "You really think he feels the same way, Sirius?"
Sirius's head all the sudden shot up and he looked very confused. "He?"
"Well, yes, Remus."
Is Sirius okay? He is suddenly looking ill again and can barely look at me. "Siri," I brush his face with my hand and make him look at me, "are you okay? You look either really sick or like you're about to cry."
"No, no," he chokes out. "I'm fine. I have been feeling a bit sick lately. It comes and goes."
"Well, maybe you should go to a doctor Sirius. You look awful."
He tried to smile up at me again, "Really, I'm fine. So, what did you need to talk about?"
"Well, I was actually going to tell you about Remus. Sirius, I need your help with this! You saw how he was last night. I got all dressed up, was trying to flirt like mad and nothing! If anything you seemed more interested than he did, and we both know about how far your romantic feelings for me extend!"
He suddenly looked very uncomfortable. I hope he is feeling all right. "Right, of course. So how can I help you Harry?"
"Well, I was reading this book - "
"A book?"
Shit, shouldn't have said that. "Um, yeah. Promise you won't laugh. Please!"
"Alright, I promise. Now what book?"
He's going to laugh. "TheCompleteIdiot'sGuideToDating."
"What?"
Okay. Time to steel myself. "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating."
Damn it! He's laughing. I started to throw pillows at him. "Sirius! Stop! You said you wouldn't laugh!"
"I'm sorry," he managed to get out between convulsions, "but really Harry. You have to admit. If it was me, you would be rolling on the floor."
Well, he's right.
"Okay, but let's pretend you don't find my problems amusing for a minute. I need you here Sirius!"
For some reason that made him stop. He looked up at me with amusement dancing in his eyes. There was also a hint of something else there behind it, but I couldn't tell what it was. "Okay, so tell me what this book has to do with me?"
"Alright, well, last night was a total failure. . ."
His face completely darkened at that. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of Remus and I dating.
". . .so this morning I was flipping through it and I found the emergency section with all the Extreme Steps."
He's laughing again. The bastard. "Siri!"
"Okay, okay. Emergency section. Extreme Steps. I'm listening."
"Alright, you better be. Well, the extreme steps said that I needed to make him come after me. That I shouldn't be a doormat."
"Makes sense, I suppose."
"Right. Well, it also said that I need to make him realize I won't wait around, to find someone else and make him see what he is missing."
"Make him jealous?"
"Yes!"
Sirius is beginning to confused again. "Okay, Harry, so what does this have to do with me? Do you want me to feed subliminal messages to him or something? Make up some love affair you are having and tell him about it?"
"Yes, kind of."
"You want me to make up a boyfriend for you?"
"Well, not make up really. Basically, Sirius. . ."
Wow, this is really uncomfortable. What am I worrying about?
". . .will you go out with me? You know, on a date?"
Okay, he's looking ill again. Oh God, he's going to say no. He's not going to want to. Great. Wait, what am I talking about. I didn't just really ask him out. I need to calm down.
"Please Sirius. I know I can trust you with this. I need you here, Siri."
He looked up at me again with those gorgeous eyes. Gorgeous? "You know I'll do anything for you Harry. All you have to do is ask. I just want to see you happy."
Why do I suddenly feel like melting on the spot? That's so sweet. He'll do anything for me? I don't think anyone has said anything like that to me. It's nice to know. So he is helping me with Remus? I could throw myself into his arms. Hell, I will. "Oh thank you Sirius! Thank you, thank you! You don't know how much this means to me!"
He smiles at me and leans into my embrace. "As long as you're happy."
I sit back and look at him. "If you're feeling better how about tonight. That way you can tell Remus all about it by tomorrow."
"Sure Harry. I'll be at your flat at 6 o'clock."
"Okay, bye Siri. Thank you so much!"
I give him a quick kiss on the cheek and floo home. This is going to work. This is going to work.
All right. It is nearly 3 o'clock. Let me just take a quick nap, shower, and then Sirius will be here. Shit. . .what am I going to wear? I don't even know where he is taking me!
Relax Potter!
Let's repeat this shall we, this is not a real date. This is not a real date.
Okay, but I still need to find something to wear. All right, well, jeans will probably be too casual. So I guess that leaves the only thing left in my closet. . . khakis. I could wear the leather pants again, but he just saw me in those. No, no, khakis.
Now for a shirt. What color to wear? Um, definitely not green! I just wore white last night, black is too depressing, how about a nice blue shirt? Yes, I like blue. So khakis that show off my ass nicely and a tight blue shirt. Very good.
Now let me just take a nap and I'll wake up in an hour and a half and start getting ready.
Okay.
Nice outfit. Check. Proper shower leaving me smelling nice and fresh. Check. Really good smelling cologne. Check. Date. Note quite yet.
"Harry, I'm here!"
Ah. . .
4. Date. Check.
Oh. My. God. Sirius looks absolutely gorgeous. I just can't seem to stop my eyes from wandering up and down Sirius's body. Apparently he does have more in his closet then just khakis. He has on a rather nice pair of black slacks. Yep, his ass definitely looks nice in those too. It must be more then the pants. He's also wearing a pretty sexy button down shirt. Black as well. Maybe it's not so depressing after all. The shirt was loose, but not loose in a sloppy way, loose in a comfortable way. He also had just enough buttons undone on the top to let you know what was hiding underneath without making it seem like he was trying to show off his chest. Which was very nice, it seemed. He should show it off. His hair looked like it was completely shinning, and is resting just in the middle of his neck like it normally does. It still had a bit of its normal wavy look going on, but I can tell he spent some time on it. Completely. Totally. Gorgeous.
"Um, hey Siri. Wow, you look great. I feel a bit underdressed now."
He finally noticed me and smiled. Merlin his smile lights up his entire face. "You look fine Harry, honestly, I don't really know where we are going yet, and I figured you could decide. After all this was your idea, right?"
Yes it was. One of the best ideas I've ever had, I daresay.
"Um, I hate to just go to dinner and a movie. We did just do that last night, kind of. You're Mr. Spontaneous, think of something!"
"Well. . . I was in Hogsmeade earlier and there is a carnival right outside the village we could go to, if you want. I would need to change though."
No, don't change. Please, don't change.
"A carnival would be really fun Siri, I've actually never been to one."
"You've never been? Well, that settles it, we're going. Let me just pop home real quick and change my pants. I'll be right back."
Sirius disappeared with a pop!. A carnival? I'm glad he found out about that. Hmmm, maybe I should change into a T-shirt. Yes, it's been rather hot out lately. Where did he say it was? Hogsmeade? I didn't even know wizards had carnivals. Shit. A wizard carnival? This is not good.
"Harry, I'm back! Are you ready?"
Mmm, he changed into a nice tight T-shirt and, my, my, a rather clingy- around-the-ass pair of jeans. I guess him changing wasn't that bad an idea after all.
"Um, Sirius, I was thinking. Maybe we should go do something else."
"No, no. You said you've never been to a carnival and I am not letting you get out of this."
"I just don't think it's that good an idea Sirius. I mean, it's bad enough when I go places, but now you're going to be with me on top of it? Every wizard in Hogsmeade is going to be all over us."
Sirius looked down, looking almost dejected. As quickly as it came the look passed and he managed a small smile. "It's okay Harry, I understand. I know this isn't a real date and you don't want any of the wizarding population to think that. It's fine, we can do whatever you want."
"What? Sirius, no, that's not what I mean at all! I really don't care what they think. I just want to spend the evening with you in peace. That's all. I want to not get molested on our way to the Ferris wheel."
Sirius seemed to perk up at this and smiled at me again, a genuine smile this time. I could really get used to watching him do that. "Well, you don't really have to worry about that anyway. I said it was outside of Hogsmeade, not in Hogsmeade. It's a good old-fashioned muggle carnival in a small village a couple of miles away. I just heard about it in passing when I stopped off at Three Broomsticks."
"Oh, well, what are you standing around here for then, Black? Get a move on, let's go to the carnival."
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Before you go forward with any attempts to snag your special wizard, make sure he is the wizard for you! The biggest problem with dating today is that many witches and wizards have no ideal who their ideal mate should be! No, we wouldn't want you to go through all of this work to snag your man if he really isn't the man for you, now would we? Of course not. Just go through this easy checklist and make sure you are on the right track to complete bliss.
1. Make sure that you are not only attracted to him physically. You want a wizard who is not only dynamite in bed, but your best friend too.
"Oh, Sirius! I've always wanted to go on a Ferris wheel! Come with me, please?"
He's laughing again. I am really learning to love that sound lately. "Anything you want Harry. This is for you, right?"
"Oh God, Siri, I feel like I am regressing to a six year old here. It is getting kind of embarrassing. I'm amazed you even want to be seen with me."
"I could never not want to be seen with you Harry. Plus, you should regress. Take it from someone who resents growing up, it's good for the soul to act like your six, every once in a while."
"Mmm, every once in a while Siri. Not all the time like some people."
"What? I deserve some down time!"
"Yeah, we both do."
This night has been amazing and it isn't even dark out yet. I don't think I could've ever asked for a better date tonight than Sirius Black. I can't believe he actually took me here. It's kind of sweet if you think about it. Alright, you really don't need to think about it, it is just really incredible.
"Oh Merlin, Sirius, it's moving!"
"Well, Harry, Ferris wheels do tend to do that."
I don't know why but I start to giggle uncontrollably. Ugh, I remind myself of that horrid woman I met at the bookshop. Hey, how did I end up here? I don't remember snuggling up next to Sirius. Mmm, it doesn't matter. He is warm and comfortable, I think I'll stay.
"So, what is all this with you and Remus?"
Remus? Fuck! Right, Remus!
"I don't know. I mean, maybe there won't even ever be a me and Remus."
"Do you love him?"
"Yes, I suppose, I think. . ."
What am I saying? Of course I love Remus! Don't I?
"You think?"
"Well, I just don't know what love feels like I guess. I've never truly felt it before. Have you?"
"Honestly, yes."
"How did you know?"
Sirius stopped and looked over the edge of our little cart. He seemed to be thinking about it for a while before he answered me. "I don't know. I just did. It was like one day I just looked at him and was completely blown away. I felt so stupid for knowing him for so long and never noticing the way he laughed, or how handsome he was, or how incredibly selfless and kind he could be, and how his smile lit up my day. It was just like one day it kind of smacked me in the face, and I was in love. I can't really explain it."
Wow, do I really feel all that for Remus? I honestly don't know. I wonder who Sirius is talking about.
"Who was it, Siri?"
He looked at me for a while, almost like he wanted to say something, like he was contemplating it, but stopped. "It doesn't matter now, Harry. Don't worry about it."
"Whoever it is Sirius, they're pretty lucky you love them that much, you know?"
Sirius just smiled at me again. I really love that smile. "I like to think so. I wish they would see it that way. I mean, really see it, and not just believe it."
What does that mean?
2. Try to test out to see if he can care about you as more than a friend. Does he remember little things, like your favorite color, or what kind of sprinkles you like on your ice cream?
"Here, Harry. I know you said you wanted chocolate, but they had this Banana-Caramel-Vanilla thing and I got it for you. I remember you telling me once about something like that and how much you loved it. If not, you can always have mine, I got chocolate."
He remembered that?
"No, thanks Sirius. The banana is great. I had something like it in France once, it was incredible."
How did I end up leaning up against him again? I need to start being able to control my bodily movements. Perfect example is that left arm that just linked itself with his right. Damn.
"Mmm, Siri, this is even better than the one from before. Have some."
"It's okay Harry, it's yours."
I tried to give him my best glare and shoved the cone in his face. "Eat."
He began to laugh and quickly took a lick of the ice cream. Oh to be that ice cream. What? Where did that come from?
"God, that is good. I should've gotten some for myself. Oh well, maybe later."
"Yeah, or maybe next time we can just apparate over to Paris and I can take you to that little café Hermione and I went to so you can try the one I originally had."
"Next time? Why Harry James Potter, did you just ask me out on a second date? I'm flattered."
What a second date? Merlin, I did just kind of ask him out again, didn't I? Now I can't even control what I'm saying. Great.
"Well, um. . ."
"It's okay Harry, I was only joking. Plus, we already know the extent of my French. I wouldn't want the waiter to throw the ice cream back in my face."
I started laughing and blushing a little when I remembered last night. "Well, we would need Hermione anyway. What's sad is you know more French then I do."
"Do, I? Hmm, that is rather sad. You could always go with Moony. He knows French, speaks it fluently actually."
Oh yeah, Remus. Why do I keep forgetting about him? Did Sirius just pull me a little bit closer to him? Merlin he feels nice. What was I thinking about again, oh, right Remus. . .
"Maybe, if he even wants to go."
"He would have to be absolutely insane to ever turn you down, Harry. Completely off his rocker."
3. Make sure he has a good sense of humor. Anybody can make you laugh. But your man should be able to make you completely smile. You'll know it's right when his antics send you into hysterical bliss.
"Sirius, you're horrible! You should really stop!"
"What you think it's funny, or is that not your hysterical laughter I hear to my right?"
Okay, well it is pretty funny. I absolutely cannot believe him. I take that back, this is vintage Sirius Black. We have been hiding between bushes for a good 20 minutes now. Sirius decided it would be fun to scare the shit out of this one man we have dubbed The Evil Vendor. He runs one of those stupid games you play where you shoot the water out of the gun at the target. Then that little fish or shark, or bear, or whatever needs to win the race. Well, this man has been screaming at everyone all night. Even the children are afraid of him. He actually killed some little girl's goldfish! Albeit it was an accident, but when he yelled at her for crying and told her to find her mother it was a little out of line. Then when he screamed at me when he practically threw himself on top of me, Sirius had had enough. So, for the past 20 minutes we've been hiding and charming all the little toys around his stand to change color and switch places. He thinks he's going crazy. Sirius even changed the little fish in the game to lions. That really made the asshole pale.
"Okay, so he deserves it, but Sirius, you're going to send him to the mental ward, really!"
Somehow this didn't have the desired affect as I said it between fits of hysterical laughter at the dancing teddy bear Sirius had just created.
"So, what? He practically assaulted you then had the nerve to yell at you for it. Personally, I think he was trying to cop a feel."
"Oh, I'm sure Sirius."
"He was! Who wouldn't try?"
It's dark, but I think I see him blushing again. "Well, you haven't groped me yet."
He looked over at me and smiled one of those horrible mischievous smiles, the one he has when I know he is about to do something he shouldn't. "Yet." I looked at him, rather confused, until he about jumped on me and pinched my ass. I know I should be indignant or something, or even a little uncomfortable but I couldn't help breaking out into another fit of laughter and hoping that maybe, just maybe, he'd pinch it again.
"Ugh, you're such a hound Sirius."
"Actually, I don't know what breed I am. I like to think that maybe I am a mix between an Irish wolfhound and a Black Lab though."
I decided to acknowledge this by raising an eyebrow at him and then laughing hysterically again at his completely serious face.
"What? I don't suppose you think I'm a cocker spaniel."
4. Make sure you're not confusing loving somebody with being in love with somebody. It is a very common mistake. I have many friends who I love dearly, yet could never spend the rest of my life with them. Does he give you butterflies in your stomach? Do you feel a bit of singe from wherever he has touched your skin? Do you find yourself constantly thinking about him on some type of totally unrelated train of thought or in a completely inappropriate moment? Well, then my friend, maybe you are in love.
"Thank you Sirius, tonight was really incredible. You didn't have to do all that for me."
"You're right. I didn't have to. I wanted to though. You had fun?"
Is he insane? That is quite possibly the best time I've had with anyone, ever.
"Of course. It was amazing Sirius. The night was amazing, the carnival was amazing, the ice cream was amazing. . ."
He flashed one of those heartbreakingly beautiful smiles here.
". . .you were amazing."
Where did that come from? Oh shit, I said it out loud? His smile seemed to get even brighter though, so it was okay. As long as he kept looking at me and smiling at me like that.
"You have a leaf in your hair."
"What?"
"A leaf. You know, those things on trees, and coincidentally, bushes. You have one in your hair."
"Oh."
That was all I could really seem to say at the moment. Everything sane and coherent flew out of my mind. All I could think about and all I registered was Sirius moving closer to me. He put one hand on my shoulder and ran the other through my hair. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as he looked down at me.
"It's gone."
"Good."
Then I could see and feel him moving closer to me. The way his hand felt as it slowly moved out of my hair and cupped my face. He went very slowly, and taking what seemed like an eternity. Finally he was millimeters from my lips. Oh God, his breath felt so good and so hot as it lightly hit my face. He smells rather nice too. That was the last thought I had before his lips descended onto mine. It was nice, very nice. They were warm and soft. He was actually very gentle. It was surprising at first when I thought of how passionate he always is, but not so surprising really when I remembered how sweet and caring he is as well. It seemed totally out of my control and I could feel my lips moving against his and my arms snaking around his neck. Suddenly, just as I was about to run my fingers through his hair, he pulled away.
"Oh God, Harry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that, I really didn't mean to. Well, I meant to obviously, but, oh God, you hate me don't you?"
Well, since he ripped his lips off of mine I am actually considering it.
"Hate you? Sirius, of course I don't hate you!"
He seemed to sigh in relief. "Thank you. I couldn't stand it if you hated me. How could I be so stupid! Of course you wouldn't want me to kiss you. You don't love me. . .you love Remus."
He practically spat out the name, and to tell you the truth I was rather shocked. I really hadn't thought of Remus most of the night. The only time I really did was when Sirius brought him up. Sirius, with his gorgeous sparkling eyes, his brilliant smile, wonderful sense of humor, kindness, intelligence, caring, and oh so soft and smooth lips.
Oh God, Sirius. How could I be so stupid? All this time I've been chasing after Remus and. . .just let me put it this way, kissing Remus was nice. Awkward, uncomfortable, but nice. But Merlin, when Sirius just pulled his lips away from mine I thought I was going to die. I can still feel the fire from where they were just moments before. I love Remus, I do. I was just looking in the wrong place for being in love. He's nice and kind, and yeah, he's smart and pretty cute. But damn it all, I'm in love with Sirius Black. It's suddenly so painfully clear to me. How could I have missed it? I guess it is just like Sirius said, you look up one day and bang, you're in love. Honestly, Remus doesn't even like Quidditch!
"I said I thought I loved Remus, Sirius."
He looked up at me confused for a second. "Thought. I wasn't sure. Remember I told you I didn't know what love felt like?"
"Yes, but what do you mean Harry, what are you saying?"
"I actually would rather say nothing at all."
So, I did it. With that I crossed the 10 feet to where Sirius now stood, wrapped my arms around his neck, and kissed him. I think he was kind of surprised at first, since he didn't even move. But then, before I even could finish that thought he threw an arm around my waist and attacked my mouth. Merlin yes, kissing Remus Lupin was not like this. Fire and ice ran through my veins and I can feel his hands roaming all over me. Is that his tongue licking my bottom lip? Well, far be it from me to stop it from doing what it pleases. Yes, it is rather smart for a tongue. Inside my mouth is definitely a better place for it to be. We just stand there and kiss and touch for what seems like minutes, or hours, or seconds, or just some immeasurable unit of time. We finally just fall back on the couch and stop, just staring at each other while I lay in his arms.
"Are you sure, Harry? About me, about us?"
"I've never been more positive about anything Siri. I looked up at you today and realized, like you said it would be, I was in love."
He nuzzled my head and kissed my hair. This feels perfect. "It was you, by the way."
"What was me?"
"Before, when I told you how it felt to be in love, you asked me who I was talking about. It was you."
I smiled at that revelation. He loved me. He loved me? I suddenly started to feel very sick. What had I done to him?
"Harry, are you okay? You tensed up. You are sure - "
"Oh God, Sirius, how do you not hate me? I dragged you out on what was supposed to be some fake date so I could get into your best friend's pants! I feel horrible. Why did you even agree to this lunacy?"
"I just wanted you to be happy Harry. I told you, I would do anything for you."
Another sickening realization came over me.
"You thought I was talking about you before, didn't you? You were trying to tell me how you felt and I ruined it by breaking out with how I was trying to impress Remus."
Sirius looked a bit sheepish at this. "Yeah, but it's okay. It all worked out in the end, right?"
I turned my head up and looked into those eyes. "Yes, definitely."
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Thank you, Rubiana Warlissa! I could've never gotten my man without your help and of course the helpful tips in The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating. Every single one of them backfired on me with complete and total precision! Absolutely nothing worked on my target man, but it's fine! Thanks to your useless piece of shit book, I found an even better one! I know I speak for millions of witches and wizards everywhere when I say this book is the best personal doorstop I have ever had. Write on, Rubiana. Cheers!
Yours truly,
Harry Potter Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Chief Hogwarts Governor, Order of Merlin- First Class, and Happily Betrothed Lucky Bastard