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Friday February 3, 2012

He tells himself he waited too long. He has told himself this for several weeks, yet here he is. Outside her apartment. Waiting for her to come home.

He has no idea where she is tonight. She could be pulling another all nighter and he may be in for a long wait. But now that he's finally kicked himself in the ass, he's not going to chicken out. He's here and he will stay here until she gets home. No matter how long it takes.

It's been nine months. Well, eight months and 16 days, since he's seen her.

He's come a long way since then. He's made some tough decisions and he's righted some wrongs. But the biggest wrong in his life still needs to be dealt with. And that's why he's here tonight. To make it right. If she'll let him.

…

She feels a little lighter these days. It's nice to be out with someone who is interested in her. Not just in their cases but in her. They all had their doubts about the EADA at first but he really is one of the good guys. And good guys are hard to find so she's giving it a shot. It's about time she moved on after … how long has it been? Eight, nine months? It feels symbolic that enough time has gone by for a new life to be born. It's time to start over and leave the past in the past, since it doesn't look like it will be coming back. Like he will be coming back. He didn't just take a break. She needs to stop looking at the door of the squad room, expecting him to walk in at any moment. It's been too long.

…

He hears her melodious laugh even before he sees them. There she is. Laughing. Radiant. Happy. With a man. She is heading for her apartment with a man. He doesn't know what he's supposed to feel now. Maybe he'd hoped that nothing about her would have changed. That she'd still be engrossed in her work without much of a social life at all. Maybe he'd hoped that she still missed him as much as he missed her. But she's happy and she's taking a man home with her. He has waited too long. She has moved on. While he was getting his life back in order so he could come back to her, she has moved on without him.

It's too late.

…

She senses a presence even before she spots him, and when she sees that all too familiar outline leaning against the wall of her building in the dark street, she freezes momentarily. It can't be, she thinks but she already knows it's him. Of all the nights he'd had to show up, he just had to choose the exact moment she was ready to open up to another man.

The first thing she feels should have been anger, but it's not. She realizes that it's relief washing over her. Sheer relief that he is alive and well and hasn't forgotten her. Hasn't walked out of her life for good. But she chooses to override that feeling and allows her defensive reflexes to kick in.

"What's wrong Liv?" she hears David ask but she is completely focused on the figure in front of them. She hasn't even realized she stopped walking until David steps into her line of sight and grabs her shoulders.

"Liv! Say something," he urges, and when she focuses on his eyes, she sees nothing but concern in them. Hasn't he seen him? Could it be that she's only imagining things? That her long lost partner isn't standing in the shadows of the doorway to her building? She pushes David aside and sure enough, he's still there. Standing upright now, no longer leaning against the wall. He's standing tall, hands tucked in the pockets of his overcoat, and she can feel his eyes burning on her. David finally catches on and asks her,

"Who's that? You know him?"

…

Olivia barrels towards him with fire in her eyes and he braces himself for the inevitable. He has it coming so he will accept whatever she throws at him right now. When she reaches him, she pushes him back, both hands on his chest and all he can think is finally. He has missed her so much.

"You son of a bitch!" Olivia yells. "What's this? You finally show yourself again to fuck up my life just when I'm getting it back on track?"

She's in his face and he closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath and breathes out slowly. Wow. That therapist was right. It actually works. Now he just needs to say the right thing before she continues yelling at him.

"No," he says softly and when he opens his eyes, he can see the shock in hers. She was ready for a fight and he's not giving her one. He doesn't strike back.

"Then what?" she fires again. "What are you doing here? And why now!"

He smirks then. It's a reflex and he wants to kick himself immediately.

"Oh that's just peachy!" Olivia shouts, throwing her hands in the air and turning away from him. "Even now you wanna screw up my love life. Well, not this time, Elliot. Not this time! You're too late!"

She walks back over to her companion, who has been wise enough to keep his distance, and loops her arms through one of his. They whisper something to each other and the man gives him a warning glare when they walk past him.

"Liv," Elliot tries but she just holds up one hand to silence him.

…

She can't look at him and curses under her breath when the door won't open at once. Her hands are shaking and she wants to scream when David takes the key from her hand and unlocks the door effortlessly. His hand is on her back as he guides her into the building and makes sure the door is firmly closed behind them.

"Sorry 'bout that," she mumbles, but David rubs her back gently.

"Let's get you inside first," he says softly and she can't help thinking he's the sweetest man she's ever met.

They walk up the stairs silently and Olivia wonders what David must be thinking. He'll probably think Elliot is an ex who has decided he wants her back or something. She shakes her head. It's a lot more complicated than that. And it's not fair.

When they had emerged from the movie theatre earlier, David had been talking about disclosing their involvement. He's really serious about her and she feels … something for him. Aside from long talks it's only been kissing and cuddling so far but David makes her feel good. About herself and about life. His kindness and patience makes her feel like she matters, not just as a cop but as a person, and she can see herself coming home to him at night. He'd be caring and understanding and she would get to know his children. Maybe even have one of their own. She feels like a whole new world of possibilities is opening up to her.

It just isn't fair that Elliot chose this night to crash into her life again. The first night she's asked David up to her place hoping he'd spend the night. He's been there once before but hadn't even asked if he could stay. He knows it's difficult for her to trust people and he's been doing everything right. It just isn't fair to him.

…

Outside, Elliot hesitates. He knows she's not going to let him in while this man is with her. He hates the guy already because he's keeping him away from Olivia. If he hadn't been there, he knows they would have continued their fight inside. He doesn't mind her yelling. He knows he deserves it for completely ignoring her for nine months. He knows he could have at least let her know he was alright. Picked up the phone once. Or even sent her a text. It wouldn't have been difficult, but it had been for him. He'd been wading through quicksand and had to decide what to address first. Prioritize. First things first.

She should have been his first priority. She was his first priority. That's why he's had to do things in the right order, and it's why he's had to do them without her. He should have let her know though. That's been his biggest mistake. He should have let her know he was working out some things and that he'd be back eventually. It would have made all the difference and he will accept her rage because he didn't do any of that.

He has to admit to himself that he hadn't expected her to be dating. During the last years of their partnership, they had settled into a routine that people might describe as an old married couple. He had his family of course, but she'd been married to the job. She'd even said that literally once. And the job included him so in a way, she'd been married to him too. And he had reveled in it and had told himself his life was perfect. Everyone that he loved was a part of his life. But it had been a lie. Yes, they were all part of his life, but they didn't all have the correct place in it. She, most of all, didn't have the correct place in his life. And it took a heart-wrenching trauma to make him see that things needed to change.
Elliot sighed and crossed the street to get into his car. He wasn't leaving though. He'd stay here all night if he had to, until he could talk to her alone.

…

They had talked about ordering takeout but she knows they were both thinking about more. She has the entire weekend off, which is rare in itself, and she had wanted to spend it to get closer to David. He's ready to disclose. To commit to exploring a real relationship with her. But right now, she's sitting on the couch, her arms wrapped around herself, while David makes her a cup of tea to calm her down. This is not how their evening was supposed to go. Screw Elliot for ruining her night, she thinks.

"You want some rum in your tea?" David asks from her kitchen and she chuckles.

Maybe she does need some alcohol to calm her nerves, but she declines. David joins her on the couch and hands her a cup of steaming herb tea.

"I've already ordered the Chinese," he says and she smiles at him.

He's taking the unexpected turn of events very well.

"Now do you wanna tell me what that was?"

She sighs. She owes him an explanation but her thoughts are a jumbled mess. It would have been so much easier if Elliot had just been an ex. The fact that he's not but they are both acting as if he is, makes it such a mess. Bless David for helping her along when he asks her,

"When we first went out for drinks, you told me you were getting over something. Would that be him?"

She blows her tea, buying some time before having to answer. Her hands are still trembling but she can't deny that David has a calming effect on her. She doesn't want him to be caught in the middle here but she guesses he already is. And so she nods, admitting,

"In a way, yes."

"In a way?" David asks, raising his eyebrows. "What does that mean?"

He has no idea what he's asking, she thinks. Is she really ready to give words to all these unspoken truths and is she going to explain it to her boyfriend of all people? She rests her head against the back of the couch and looks up at the ceiling.

"David … It's … it's complicated."

…

He looks up at her window but she's closed the drapes. That man is in there with her. What will he do if the man doesn't come out? What if he spends the night with Olivia? He won't sleep on her couch, that's for sure. They were arm in arm when they walked up to him and no man in his right mind would pass up the opportunity to get closer to Olivia Benson.
Well, no man except he himself of course. It has taken him years to pull his head out of his ass. He knows her well. They were close, but not close enough. He has spent the occasional night on her couch, because they were partners and friends. Nothing more. They were too principled for that. He'd never reduce Olivia to a mistress and Kathy didn't deserve to be cheated on. She's given their marriage her all, just like him. They've made the best of it and have five beautiful children to show for it.
It's over now and they have found peace with that. They have no regrets about their marriage and they will always care about each other. They're more relaxed around each other now and sometimes he sees a glimpse of the girl in Kathy that he fell in love with all those years ago. They have become adults since then and the adults they have grown into don't match. They're friends now, without benefits. And it feel much, much better this way.

He's sorted out his marriage and his relationship with his kids. After being diagnosed with PTSD, he's been in therapy and he has confessed more to his therapist than just the trauma around the shooting at the precinct. He is using less medication now and keeps his drinking in check. He wants to be clear-headed again at last. He has to be, if he is going to hash things out with Olivia once and for all.
He closes his eyes but when he thinks of another man's hands on Olivia's body, they snap open again. He needs to stay awake. He needs to see the man leave. He has to see the man leave. He doesn't know what he'll do if the man stays all night.

…

"Try me. I'm a good listener."

Olivia shakes her head and puts her tea down on the coffee table.

"This was supposed to be our night, David," she says.

She kicks off her shoes and turns towards him, folding one leg underneath herself.

"I know. And I'm still here," he says.

He's too sweet.

"I really don't wanna talk about it," she tries, but David smiles sadly then.

"You know it'll be on your mind all night long anyway. Better get it out so maybe we can save some of our evening together."

He is still hoping, she thinks. Doesn't he know that Elliot has the capacity to wipe her mind completely blank and then fill it with thoughts of him and only him? David doesn't know. How could he? He deserves an explanation.

"He was my partner."

David's eyes lock with hers and she can almost hear him thinking, trying to connect the dots but deciding he doesn't have enough dots yet.

"Partner? On the job?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"What do you mean?"

"Were you involved with him?"

She laughs humorously. Define involved.

"No."

"I don't understand."

"I don't blame you."

She didn't even understand it herself. Or maybe she did, but she just didn't want to admit it.

"Liv …"

There is a silent plea in David's eyes. He really doesn't deserve any of this. Screw Elliot for turning up tonight, she thinks again. David was her first real shot at something that might have lasted. She's already using the past tense with him. It's best to just come clean. The least she can do for David now is be honest with him.

"I …"

She swallows hard and tries again.

"I had feelings for him. For a long time."

David takes the time to digest her words. He's an attorney. He knows how to read people and how to get to the bottom of things. She's trembling again. This is the first time she has admitted out loud that she had feelings for Elliot.

"Did he reciprocate those feelings?"

She closes her eyes. It's uncanny that David asks the one question that has held her heart captive for all those years. Sometimes she thought he was in love with her too. Sometimes she was sure of it. And other times, she could feel the resentment dripping from his words. She'd feel like excess baggage to him then. Yet another person to rely on him. So she had made it a point to remain independent. She didn't need him to protect her. She could take care of herself. She wouldn't be a burden to him. She'd take care of herself and of him, like a good partner should. Sometimes she'd think he really needed her. Many times she had supported him and covered for him when personal matters got in the way on the job. And every time, he'd go back to his family. So in the end, she can't answer that question.

"I don't know."

David frowns and she can't blame him for not understanding.

"I told you it was complicated," she says, picking up her tea again.

"You never talked about it?"

She shakes her head.

"No."

Well, not really. 'You and this job are all I've got anymore.' 'What about me?'

"Why not?"

"We were partners."

"So?"

"And he's married."

…

He sees a delivery man walk up to the building and checks the time. It's past 9. A little late for dinner, but maybe they haven't eaten yet. He shakes his head. There is no telling who the food is for. Somehow he thinks it's for them though. Is she laughing again? Has she shaken off their sudden encounter already? Will she try to steal the man's egg rolls like she used to do with him? Will she let him feed her? Will she let him kiss the spicy sauce away that she always spills on her chin?

He's getting worked up again. He thought he had a better grasp on his emotions now, but he feels that all too familiar green-eyed monster rear its ugly head again. He has no right to be jealous of men spending time with Olivia. He's never had that right, and yet he always was jealous. He still is. It's the one thing she's called him out on immediately, as if he had planned to ruin her night with this man. He hadn't planned it. If he'd known she wouldn't be alone, he wouldn't have come tonight. Maybe he would have lost his nerve altogether. But now that he's here, he is staying put. No matter the outcome, this has to happen. He is staying until he can talk to her.

…

Their food arrives and Olivia welcomes the interruption. She has said too much already. She has lost her appetite but she smiles when David busies himself placing all the cartons on the coffee table.

"I'll get us something else to drink," she says, standing up.

She walks into the kitchen and opens the fridge.

"A beer okay?" she asks.

"Sure," David answers.

She grabs two bottles and uncaps them.

"You want a glass with that?" she inquires, and she's surprised when David is suddenly behind her and places his hands on her hips.

"It's already in glass," he says softly near her ear, and goosebumps break out on the skin of her neck and shoulder.

Olivia places the bottles on the kitchen counter and turns around to face David.

"I'm sorry this guy upset you so much," he says, and she can tell that he means it. "What can I do to make it better?"

She knows it isn't fair to David but she is still rattled and David Haden calms her. And so she stands on her toes and wraps her arms around his neck.

"Kiss me," she whispers, and David is only too happy to oblige.

He's a good kisser. He is very tender and, dare she say it, loving. But he doesn't sweep her off her feet and when she closes her eyes, she sees another face in stead of David's. She returns the kiss, deepening it, in search of passion to eradicate the intense feelings that resurfaced earlier this evening. David groans softly and pushes her into the kitchen counter. He pulls her closer to him and cups one of her cheeks with his hand as he continues to kiss her. Olivia feels her body start to respond to his touch and his proximity. He isn't eradicating her feelings. He is enhancing them. Maybe she can build on them and get it out of her system with David. Her hands drift down his back until she's cupping his ass and she presses herself against him.

Then, out of the blue, David breaks off the kiss and looks into her eyes.

"Liv," he says urgently.

He isn't moving away from her but she can tell he is going to.

"Don't stop," she says and she can hear her own voice breaking.

She's pathetic. She is using the man in her apartment to get rid of her unwanted feelings for the man outside, and they both know it.

"Not like this Liv," David says, his voice hoarse with emotion. Or is it arousal?

She drops her head forward and rests her forehead against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, and she wants to cry.

It's all just too much for one night. She and David were going to take the next step in their relationship and Elliot just had to fuck it up. It's too much and she is not handling it well. Thank goodness David is a level-headed man. He won't take advantage of her like this. Her stomach drops when she realizes he isn't going to sleep with her at all tonight. He may have his needs, but he has his pride too.

"It's alright," David whispers back, holding her close to his chest. "I'm not going anywhere."

She lifts her head then to look at him, to understand what he does and doesn't mean, and he smiles sadly.

"I mean, I'm not walking out on us. I still wanna see where this may go."

She nods and swallows. He still deserves a chance. He is too sweet not to get a fair chance.

"Me too," she says.

David leans in and kisses her softly on the lips.

"That's settled then."

They stand together in her kitchen for a long minute, their arms wrapped around each other and each caught up in their own thoughts. Then David kisses the top of Olivia's head and says,

"Let's eat."

…

To be continued.