The Middle of the Night

The thoughts always came to him in the middle of the night. Scratching. Tearing. Pulling. They wanted out. Out of his head, into the blackness that surrounded him.

He hated the dark.

He had ever since he realized that he couldn't protect his brothers from everything. He couldn't prevent Mikey from having nightmares. Couldn't force Donnie to go to bed early instead of staying up until the exhaustion finally claimed him. Couldn't keep Raph from leaving late every night and coming home early with a banged-up body and eyes full of pain.

Failure, the voices whispered. Weak. Useless.

Somehow, he always believed those voices. Because even though his brothers and friends told him that he was none of those things, when he was telling their father about how badly his brothers were hurt after a mission, or when he was staring at his own reflection during the aftermath of the Invasion...they rang true.

A failure, because he couldn't keep them safe from harm.

Weak, because he barely had the strength to walk on his own.

Useless, because he couldn't even complete the simple tasks given to him.

Freak.

He would never fit in with the outside world. He would never fit in with his family. He was always going to be set apart, given much more responsibility, expected to set a good example. There would be no easy way out for him. No fun. Only work, and expectations, and guilt.

Yes, much guilt. Too much.

Broken promises, little lies.

He'd been doing that too much lately - lying - to protect them and to protect himself. The truth, after all, was dangerous. And far too terrifying.

Scared.

He was scared, too. Who in their right mind wouldn't be? There was too much placed on his shoulders - far too much, for someone as young as he was. But he didn't complain. It was his job, after all, to carry them when they couldn't do it themselves. To give everything he had for them and expect nothing in return.

Sacrifice.

It was a sacrifice, in a way. Sometimes it really hurt too badly to even speak. Sometimes tears caused a lump in his throat that was hard to swallow.

Sometimes he wanted to die.

Coward.

He wasn't a coward...was he? He gave everything. He fought without regard to his own needs, trained without ceasing, all so they'd be safe. He would sacrifice himself over and over for them if need be. His family always came first, no matter what.

They were worth it.

So he made the same silent vow again, closing his eyes and laying back down.

No matter what, I will protect you. Always.