Lately Dorian couldn't sleep. He would toss and turn, perhaps drowsing for a time, but he always found himself awake in the dark of night, alone with his thoughts. And, honestly, that was the last thing he wanted. Normally he would seek some sort of distraction, but it wasn't like he could simply roll over and wake Elden to talk, not when this was all Dorian's fault. He had brought this on both of them and there was no way he could speak of his own pain while Elden was probably suffering so much more.

It had been a few months since the defeat of Corypheus and they were both keenly aware that soon it would be time to discuss Dorian's return to Tevinter. They couldn't help but avoid the conversation, neither of them wanting to be the one to bring it up and see how things might change between them, but that only created a terrible strain and awkward silences that had never existed between the two of them before and it was incredibly unsettling. To have a few blissfully happy month's end like this was particularly cruel.

This made Dorian shy away from the conversation even more, unsure what his next step should be or if things could still be repaired between them. If he stayed, he would be betraying more than just himself and his own conscience. How was he supposed to face Elden Trevelyan, the Inquisitor and saviour of the world, if he himself wasn't willing to fight just as hard to better things? How could he find himself worthy to even stand at Elden's side? There was no way he could put his selfish desires above the lives of so many.

But then, of course, there was the expression on Elden's face when he'd first mentioned all of this, and Dorian would never forgive himself for how lost and heartbroken he had looked, saying he understood even as he tried to hide his confusion. Not to mention that that was a vague a thing to say as possible and Dorian wasn't quite sure what it meant. Perhaps it was already too late, he'd pushed things too far and there was no recovering from it. Not that Dorian wasn't going to try. So what was he supposed to do? Bring Elden with, selfishly placing him in the middle of enemy territory far away from any support?

The frustrating thing was that he knew if he asked Elden to come, he would without a second thought. He would throw away everything, his title, his power, the peace he was trying to achieve across Thedas. If Dorian couldn't forgive himself for hurting Elden, there were no words for the hatred and disgust he'd feel for himself knowing that Elden had sacrificed everything for Dorian. And for what? To stagnate and wither away in Dorian's estate because it was too dangerous to be seen in public? Perhaps they could find some sort of job for him, but it wouldn't be fulfilling and even the kindest could grow bitter, looking back at the life they could have had. That was a selfish concern, but the idea of Elden becoming resentful towards Dorian shook him to his core.

And, once again, that left him with that utterly crushed expression on Elden's face, knowing that he had been the cause. Dorian loved this man so intensely and this was all he could give him? More heartache to pile up on top of all the pain he had already suffered? It had taken Dorian so long to even realize it was love, to feel capable of saying it out loud without worrying that acknowledging it would causes it to be ripped from him again. But Elden deserved so much more. He deserved someone at his side, constantly supporting him and reminding him of everything they felt and Dorian wasn't sure he could give him that and he hated himself for that. Perhaps it truly would be better to end things between them.

In his frustration and disgust with himself, Dorian threw the blankets aside and sat up, swinging his feet off the side of the bed onto the cold stone floor below. He leaned forward, resting his head in his hands, trying to calm his uneasy stomach brought on by guilt. Elden would be perfectly in his right to end things between them and Dorian wouldn't blame him. After all, he was abandoning the Inquisitor when he needed support now more than ever. As if roused by his thoughts, Elden stirred beside him and Dorian bit back a curse at having woken him.

"Dorian?" Elden sounded groggy but he crawled over beside Dorian and placed a comforting hand on his back. "Everything all right?"

"Of course, I was just getting up for a glass of water," Dorian lied, rubbing a hand across his face. He felt like he should draw away, he didn't deserve such a gentle touch. He should be the one reassuring Elden, not the other way around, and yet it always seem to end up this way.

When Dorian didn't stand, Elden moved to sit beside him on the edge of the bed. "I-" he began hesitantly. "I feel like things have been strained between us. And I hate it. I know it's my fault and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't be absurd," Dorian snapped more harshly than he had intended, angry with himself once again for causing Elden to blame himself. He felt Elden's hand slip away from his back, leaving Dorian feeling much too cold, longing to reach out to him but knowing it wasn't his place to, not now.

"Look, I know it's coming," Elden said, not quite looking at him. "You've stayed by my side for longer than I could have hoped, but I know you still want to try to change Tevinter and I never want to hold you back. I don't want you giving up on your goals because of me. There is so much I wanted to tell you that I don't know where to begin. Or if I even should."

"And here I expected you to begin with arguments on why I should allow you to accompany me," Dorian said, trying to sound light but he wasn't sure it was at all convincing. A selfish part of him wished Elden would. If he pushed hard enough, they could be together and it would take the responsibility away from Dorian. Not really, though. This would still all be Dorian's fault.

"No, I don't want to force myself into-" Elden stopped and took a deep breath before continuing. "I don't know what the future holds, for either of us. When you go, just know that I am proud of you and I would be honored to play any part in this that you would allow me, even if- even if it's only as the Inquisitor."

"Meaning what exactly?" Dorian felt his heart sink. All he could do was brace himself for what was coming, trying to ignore the sick feeling in his gut that only grew worse.

"No distance will ever change how I feel about you," Elden reassured him quickly, finally looking up, his expression earnest, but Dorian still caught himself holding his breath, unwilling to allow himself to believe it. "And I'll always be here, waiting for your return, but- but I know this can be hard. You'll be alone with so much distance between us, and if you didn't want to come back, or if you didn't want to wait-"

"Are you serious?" Dorian interrupted, only just barely stopping himself from laughing at the absurdity of the idea that he wouldn't always want to be with Elden.

"Dorian, you are brave and handsome and wonderful," Elden continued, almost desperately. "And I always imagined there would come a day when you'd pass me by. No matter what, I want you to be happy. I want to do whatever I can to support you."

"And what about you, then?" Dorian prompted. "Would you rather not wait?"

"No, of course I'll wait," Elden said quickly, his expression pleading him to understand as their eyes finally met. "But that's not what this is about."

"Isn't it?" Dorian sighed and rubbed at his face, suddenly feeling so tired. "This is all your fault, you know. You were supposed to get bored of me, after all."

"Bored? Never! Sometimes I have a hard enough time keeping up."

"Don't be modest, you're the Inquisitor," Dorian scoffed. After everything he had accomplished, how could Elden still not see how impressive he was?

"But you're the one moving on with your life," Elden pressed, looking equally drained. "I can't help but worry you're leaving me behind."

"Why do you think I've stayed this long?"

"You don't really need me," Elden said, dodging the question, looking down again. "You could go back to Tevinter and charm them all into reform and probably never think of me again. I wouldn't blame you, it's just… I'd miss you. You said once that you'd stay until you were done with me. It won't take long. You're smart and witty and I'm just… me."

"You are an idiot."

"Exactly," Elden said miserably.

"No, you idiot, that's not what I meant." Dorian sighed, rubbing at his forehead. "Maker, we're both idiots, aren't we?"

Giving up on words, Dorian pulled him in and kissed him hard. He didn't know what else to do. He needed Elden to understand, to know how deeply he felt for him, how much he cared, but how could he ever manage to put any of it into words worthy of him?

"I love you," Elden said when they pulled away for air and it broke Dorian's heart to see a tear sliding down his cheek. "Please don't push me away. I can't-"

"I know," Dorian said, pulling him into a crushing hug. "Me too."

"I'm selfish and cruel," Elden said, voice muffled in Dorian's shoulder. "I didn't want to say any of this. I wanted to support you, to make this as easy for you as I could, I just don't want to lose you. I'm so proud of you, but I'm so afraid. Even if you move on, please just don't push me away. Please just let me help you as a friend at the very least-"

"That's enough," Dorian said, laying them both down on the bed and hugging Elden close. "You should be angry with me for leaving."

"I could never be mad at you, especially for this, for trying to make the world better."

"If anything, I thought you would be the one wanting to end things given how I sprung this all on you."

Elden took a deep breath, collecting himself before replying, a hand coming up to tangle in the front of Dorian's shirt. "You've never made me feel abandoned."

"Except now?" Dorian guessed, finishing for him.

"I guess that depends," Elden said, finally pulling away enough to see Dorian's face, to run the back of his fingers across his cheek. "What happens now?"

It always felt like Elden was putting the entirety of the decision on him, but that wasn't true, was it? Elden had already said what he wanted, Dorian was just still so unused to anyone actually asking. That, and he couldn't help but fear that, even if Elden felt this way now, he might change his mind later. It wasn't fair, but there it was.

"I love you," Dorian said at last, because there was no other answer, not for him. "I don't want to push you away. But I don't want you to regret this either."

"How could I ever regret being with you?" Elden asked with such emotion Dorian closed his eyes tightly against the emotion welling inside him, pressing their foreheads together as they held each other. "I love you. And I told you before, I want us to be together for as long as possible. Even if we're separated for a time, that's not going to change anything." Dorian felt fingers brushing across his cheek again and opened his eyes to see Elden watching him, his expression so soft and loving. "Will you regret this? Surrounded by your equals, smarter than I am and able to give you so much more?"

"You've already given me everything, you great fool," Dorian muttered, kissing him gently again. "I love you and I want to be with you as long as possible as well. I'm just afraid I'm asking too much of you."

"I'm not-" Elden began, but stopped, trying to carefully work out what he wanted to say. "This isn't something that's going to end once you've pushed things too far or asked for one too many favors from me. Besides, it's not like you've ever asked me for anything to begin with. I'm with you, I want to be on your side, helping any way I can just as you've done for me."

"Believe me, you already have," Dorian said, but then the took a deep breath and continued. "I suppose I owe you an apology, however. I'm still not used to all this, I suppose. I know it isn't fair of me to doubt you but I don't know anything else, I don't know what to expect." These things had always been an exchange of sorts, and yet here was Elden, constantly willing to give while expecting nothing in return and, honestly, it was rather overwhelming.

"Promise me something," Elden said, his hand cupping Dorian's cheek. Dorian placed his own hand over Elden's, squeezing it gently. "Avoiding conversations, allowing things to grow tense between us- I can't do that again. I never want to. Promise me that if you're ever worried about something that you'll tell me immediately, and I'll do the same. I love you, I never want to keep anything from you."

"Agreed," Dorian said, chuckling, nusling closer.

"I love you so much," Elden whispered.

"And I love you, amatus."

It was as if a weight had been lifted and Dorian felt more at peace than he had in so long. There was still so much left uncertain, but he didn't feel that horrible dread anymore. Perhaps he'd be able to sleep tonight after all. He'd never had any frame of reference for what this was going to be like, actually having a proper relationship with Elden. It was terrifying at times, but it was also more wonderful than he ever could have hoped. He had Elden, constantly on his side, and they could figure this out together. They didn't have to do this alone. Even separated by so much distance once he returned to Tevinter, they would always be there for each other. They could make this work. And, in the end, they would always find their way back to each other once again.