Prologue
It wasn't how you might think it was. I wasn't depressed. I certainly was not angry. Sure, Eriol might seem like a threat and I daresay I didn't trust him back then. It wasn't because of Touya or Kero either. I could live with their distrust.
Live. What irony. I barely remember what life is like now, death so peaceful and calm. I am not afraid and never will be, but when I was alive, I remember a fear so deep it felt like I was choking through the days.
It started sometime while Eriol was here. He did not give his magic to Fujitaka yet. That was when I got the fateful phone call from one of my cousins-not Meiling, but a boy named Anshi.
He told me through the phone that my mother and sisters were dead. Killed by five demonlike sorcerors.
I hung up on him in stupor. Then I realized that I was all alone. Perhaps that was true, perhaps not, but I was extremely affected by it.
I remember it was late at night. Anshi was in haste so he woke me up. I was not able to go back to sleep. I was so scared. I felt so lonely. I suddenly realized how vulnerable I was, how weak and frail. So I went out to clear my mind. Out into that cold night. I actually felt the cold. And I shivered, feeling colder within. That was when I met Yue.
He was cold. You know that. A poor excuse for a guardian. What kind of guardian would he be if he cannot understand human emotions? Especially mine, my heart shattered and broken, my mind a swirl of confusion.
" What are you doing out here?" He asked.
I knew it wasn't out of his affection for me. Despite being Clow's descendant he couldn't care less about me. It was purely curiosity. Or maybe, perhaps it was the only thing he could think of to say.
Strange. I was a proud person, yet I longed for his sympathy. I wanted to tell him what had befallen me, but you know Yue. Strong and indifferent. Cold and unapproachable. So I stood there, a young child, hurt and lost, mute and silent.
Strange for a cold person. He grew impatient, and his cold gray eyes looked into mine, searching, then he turned away, not willing to wait any longer.
I wasn't willing to wait either. I, one who never smiled, who never cracked under any pressure, broke down crying. Yue must have been surprised, and I'm sure you are too. Li Syaoran of the Li Clan, crying like a baby. Indeed, I felt like a baby more than I ever had. I cried for two hours straight, my tears speaking words for me.
Perhaps Yue couldn't stand me like that. Perhaps he was. Somehow I think he was frightened and confused. He was kind enough to take me home with him and dry my eyes.
Kindness. Who ever expected that from the moon guardian.
He must have been very frightened. He asked me over and over again what was wrong, and he was so nervous he didn't even think to let Yukito handle it. But Yukito wouldn't have handle it. Neither could Eriol, or Kaho, or Touya, or even Sakura and Tomoyo. So in vain he tried to comfort me. It was then when I saw the worry in his eyes and I was apt to laugh had it not been for my broken heart. Yue, worried about me of all people. He had enough things to worry about.
By the time I stopped crying I stared at him and my throat was hoarse. I could not speak anymore and I was exhausted.
Exhausted. How did it feel like? I forgot already. Perhaps I will never remember.
But I knew I was exhausted, and Yue understood. Imagine him, understanding. Who could ever imagine that? But Yue was understanding. He rocked me like a baby that I was. He stayed with me for the rest of the night.
I remember his hands were cold. Cold hands, and when he realized that he was afraid to touch me. I felt cold enough already so I didn't care.
Coldness.
The next morning I went to school in a kind of dumb stupor and it seemed everyone noticed, even the teacher. I did not speak to them though. The sensei almost wanted me to go home, but I never gave him a chance to voice his thoughts.
During lunch I saw it. A vision of my fate while my life lasted. I knew it wouldn't last long. Then I began to get scared. I was afraid. So I ran to the fence. Yukito and Touya were there waiting for me.
If Touya glared at me, I knew not. I never even looked at him. I grabbed Yukito's hand and opened and closed my mouth like a goldfish, first beginning, then deciding against it, then fear took over and I tried begging, over, and over, and-
" They're coming for me."
I could manage no more. Yukito looked at me confused and I imagine Touya did the same. I stared at those gray eyes and I realized that Yukito will always remain confused. Just like everyone.
I was alone.
So I let go of his hand. I took several steps back, then turned around and ran. Perhaps Yukito would have come after me. Perhaps Touya, who was after all human, would do the same.
' Saved by the bell'.
Perhaps I was not saved. You would probably say so too. That bell was the cause of
my doom. If Yukito had ran after me, I would probably be alive right now. But
then, life has its burdens. Death has its advantages. It's not pitch black and horrible
like many may think.
I came home. I knew what I was coming to. I was coming to my end. And there they were, five black shadows. They were not just sorcerors. They were demons. And they tore at my flesh and clawed out my eyes until I lay there bleeding. I did not fight them. I did not even feel the pain. I only felt anguish and terror. I saw them. I heard their laughter and sneers. I saw my blood flowing.
I saw them begin to blur. Dark patches blocked my eyes. Tiny bits of red splattered in my vision.
At that moment I saw my future flash before my eyes. How things could have been. And there I died, utterly wretched, helpless and alone.
Loneliness. That was how my life ended. So lonely. So alone.