Five Times Chakotay Didn't Tell Janeway He Loves Her
(And One Time He Did)

1.

She placed her tray in front of him and sat down, her concentration completely on the padd she was reading from. He watched her, smiling and wondering if she'd even realised how rude she was being. He figured it was some important report she was engrossed in, and took another spoonful of soup into his mouth as he watched her.

'Were you planning on eating that food, or just sitting in front of it?' he teased.

She held up a finger as she finished what she was reading, then put it down on the table, turning it off. He looked at her with curiosity.

'I'm planning to eat it,' she replied. 'Apparently I need to eat food, although I did try to convince the doctor that coffee was an adequate substitute.'

'What were you reading?' he asked.

'Nothing important,' she replied, screwing up her nose as she took a bite of her food. 'What is this?'

'A Neelix special, you'd know all about them if you ate more often,' he replied.

He reached out for the padd, more curious as to how she would react than he was to what was actually on it. That was until she slammed her hand down on his and slid the padd back towards herself. He tilted his head.

'Okay, now I know it's something interesting,' he replied.

'It's a book,' she commented.

He put down his spoon, narrowing his eyes at her. 'What type of book?'

'A fictional one.'

She refused to make eye contact with him and he smiled.

'Is it porn?' he asked quietly.

Her eyes shot up and she looked at him. 'Chakotay!'

'Well that got your attention,' he laughed. 'You know if you'd just told me it was a crime novel I wouldn't have cared.'

She narrowed her eyes at him, considering her options for a moment. Then she sighed.

'It's a romance novel,' she admitted. 'It's stupid, I know, I'm just…'

She sighed, staring at her food for a moment, stirring it around with her fork.

'Lonely?' he suggested.

Her eyes slowly rose to look at him and he saw that what he had meant as a casual suggestion actually had hit the mark exactly. For a moment he considered apologising, but then she spoke.

'We could be out here for the rest of our lives,' she said quietly, making sure no one around them could hear her. 'And as Captain that means I'll probably be alone.'

'You don't have to be,' he said simply.

'Chakotay, you're a prime example of why that doesn't work. Look what happened with Seska…'

He felt that one, it dug deep, and he fell silent, turning his attention back to his lunch.

'I didn't mean that,' she correct herself instantly, reaching out and touching his hand.

He let his eyes meet hers, taking in a deep breath.

'Seska and I were not in a relationship,' he could hear the annoyance in his own voice. 'We were just sleeping together. And it wasn't worth it because she was a traitor, but if I truly loved someone, if I believe it could work, I wouldn't let some silly regulation stand in my way, not when it was the rest of my life at stake.'

She was trying to read him and he suddenly felt like he'd exposed himself a little too much.

'Don't you think it's being in love that causes the most trouble?' she asked. 'What if I lost that person and it broke my heart and I couldn't function.'

'Kathryn Janeway, you can't tell me that a broken heart would ever stop you from being the best damn Captain I've ever met,' he teased, trying to lighten the mood.

She smiled sadly at him, confusing him.

'Oh Chakotay, I know you think I'm strong, but losing someone I loved broke me once before,' she said quietly. 'I don't think I can do that again.'

Taking a few bites of food she focused her attention back on the table. He wanted to ask her so many questions about what she had just told him, but he sensed the moment has passed.

Then she looked back at him, the sadness gone, a glint of amusement in her eyes.

'Plus, who would want to date the Captain anyway?' she joked.

Without thinking he almost said 'I would', but stopped himself just before the words came out of his mouth.

'I guess it's a good thing you have that romance novel then,' he replied.

He spent the rest of their meal watching her, wondering what had happened in her past to have her so closed off to risking anything for love.

2.

The second time he almost tells her is on New Earth. He found her lying in the grass, looking out at the stars.

'Everything alright, Kathryn?' he asked.

'Join me, Chakotay,' she said, softly, patting the grass next to her.

He smiles to himself. He knows it's innocent, but the idea of her ever inviting him to lie next to her is enough to lift his heart.

He's not sure exactly how close she intended him to lie, but he decided after their conversation the night before that he wasn't interested in her parameters anymore, and that perhaps she wasn't either.

'What are you looking at?' he asked.

'I was looking for home,' she said quietly. 'But I don't have any star-maps to indicate our whereabouts so I'm rather stuck.'

He leaned his head so it was against hers, taking her hand and pointing it towards a spot just above the mountains.

'See that bright star there?' he said. 'Just to the left of the Milky Way, above the rock?'

'Yes,' she breathed quietly. 'I see it.'

'That's a supernova star towards the centre of our galaxy, I have no idea what it's officially called but it's directly on our path home and every week I check its location. Somehow it makes me feel better to know it's there, like it's our guiding light home,' he says quietly. 'So Earth is somewhere behind that star.'

She looked at him, her eyes filled with the same emotion he had seen in them the night before.

Reaching out she lightly touched his tattoo, running her fingers down the side of his face until she got to his lips. There both her fingers and her eyes lingered for a moment.

Her eyes had examined his lips a thousand times, and not subtly, but somehow this felt different. This time he let hope fill him as she gripped his other hand tightly in her own.

'How am I so lucky to have you in my life?' she whispered.

I would never have it any other way.

That was the only thought going around in his mind, but he knew better, he knew this move had to be hers. He was so afraid of her rejection, and he knew she didn't want to start anything with someone she might lose.

But they were alone now.

There was no battle, no enemy coming after them, they weren't going on risky missions or fighting for their lives.

'Kathryn…' he started.

Before he could say it, her lips were against his and he forgot all thought of telling her how he felt, instead pushing himself upwards so he could press a hand against her face, lightly stroking her cheek as he kissed her…

3.

'Kathryn, talk to me. Please.'

As the door to her quarters shut firmly behind him, he watched as her tear filled eyes looked up at him, anger piercing through them.

'How dare you,' she whispered.

For a moment he was taken aback. She was angry at him? Why in the galaxy would she be mad at him for this?

Replaying the last few days in his mind he couldn't place what he might have done to upset her. They'd barely said a word to each other in the 36 hours it had taken Voyager to reach them and even less since returning to the ship. Until this moment she hadn't even looked him in the eye.

But he said nothing, waiting for her to continue, knowing the words would come.

'You showed me that it was okay to let go of my hope, that I had no choice but to accept my circumstances,' she whispered. 'I was happy. I allowed myself to fall for you and you did nothing to stop it.'

'Nothing to stop it?' he repeated. 'Kathryn, why would I want to do anything to stop that…'

'Because it's your job to protect me.'

She folded her arms in front of her chest and he understood. Her heart was broken and she couldn't take it out on anyone but him.

'Okay,' he said. 'You can be mad at me.'

'I'm not mad at you…' she said quickly, a bare whisper off the lips he now knew all too well.

'I know,' he replied. 'But it would be easier if you were.'

'I need you to go,' she spoke softly, but calmly this time.

He hesitated.

'Nothing's changed, for me,' he replied. 'Spending the rest of our lives on that planet, or spending it on Voyager. It doesn't change anything. We're still a long way from home, you're still the person who saved me from myself. I want you to know that, no matter the circumstances I will always –'

'Don't finish that sentence, Commander,' she snapped, panic in her voice.

He'd almost said it and he took in a sharp breath. 'Yes. Captain.'

And he left without another word, feeling like a dagger had been shoved deeply into his chest. And he swore to himself at that moment never to bring up the topic again.

4.

'You're awfully quiet,' she teased him.

He looked over at her as she sidled up next to him, holding out a drink. He took it gratefully, an involuntary smile spreading across his face, the one that she always managed to bring out, no matter his mood.

'You know how much negotiations exhaust me,' he admitted.

'Drink another one of those and the stress will melt away,' she muttered as she took a sip from her drink.

He frowned at her. 'How many of those have you had, Captain?'

'Three or four,' she admitted. 'I needed it.'

He laughed. 'I don't blame you. Well, I'll do my best to catch up.'

He took a sip from his glass and watched as she glided away back into the crowd, doing her best to schmooze with the locals. His heart caught in his chest as he watched her laughing and smiling, doing the thing he knew she thought she was terrible at, but was actually her hidden talent.

It didn't miss him how the humanoid alien males were watching her, he could pick two or three who watched her with a particular look of enamour as she spoke to them. He wondered if that was how he looked at her, if he was just one of hundreds of men who had stuck Kathryn Janeway up on some pedestal of infatuation and let her control him.

Then her eyes darted towards him and her smile broadened and he felt every muscle in his body relax with the knowledge that she always managed to find him. He was the most important person in the room to her.

Their new friends had one last speech ready to go before they were all allowed to return to their quarters for the evening. He spotted her in the crowd and made his way towards her - if he was going to be bored, he would rather do it by her side.

It was only when he got closer that he realised she was teetering a little to one side, trying to get a better view, but not looking entirely stable.

He'd never seen her drunk before, not to this extent, and he wondered if it was due to the lack of Starfleet officers that she had allowed herself to get to that point or if the drinks they were serving just had a particular influence over her.

Either way he was glad, she needed a night to relax.

She stumbled as he approached and he grabbed for her arm, steadying her. She looked up at him in surprise and a strange expression crossed her face.

'You all right?' he asked quietly.

She smiled. 'How do you manage to always be right there at the exact moment I need you?'

'It's my job,' he replied simply.

'Your job,' she said, disappointment dripping off her words.

Letting the two, very strong, drinks he'd had guide his decision making, he let his hand slide down her arm and wrapped his fingers through hers. Half expecting her to pull away he was surprised when she squeezed his hand in response.

Once the ceremony was complete they walked in silence back to their temporary quarters at the Palace, his hand not leaving hers for a moment – partially to keep her upright, but partially for his own satisfaction that she would allow him to be close to her, even if only for a moment.

When they reached her guest quarters they stopped.

'Goodnight, Kathryn,' he said quietly, lifting her hand to his lips kissing it lightly.

He knew it was crossing the line but he didn't care. It had been years since he had shown any kind of affection towards her and he miss it. He didn't want her to forget how he felt, even if she never intended to return that emotion.

Her next words surprised him.

'I wish I didn't love you,' she slurred.

Every part of his being froze. He couldn't look at her, almost afraid that if he moved she would take it back. It took her a few moments then she seemed to realise what she had said.

Pulling her hand away was enough to spur him into movement. He stood up straight and looked at her. Her face was ridden with panic.

'Don't wish that,' he replied simply.

'Goodnight, Commander,' she turned and entered her quarters, shutting the door behind her and snapping the lock shut audibly.

He wasn't sure how long he stood there, considering knocking on the door and telling her he felt the same.

Sobriety started kicking in eventually and he left without any grand gesture.

She was drunk, that's all it was.

Her words were just a simple drunken mistake.

5.

'Home,' she said quietly.

He took that as an invitation to join her watching out the Ready Room window as the armada of ships guided them back to Starfleet Command.

'Not my home,' he felt the need to remind her.

'Will you stay?' she questioned.

As he took his place by her side he considered the answer to that question. Neither of them looked at each other. He knew why he couldn't make eye contact with her, but he wondered her reasoning.

'Do you want me to?' he felt his heart tugging in his chest as the words left his mouth.

He had tried his hardest to move on, yet now their journey was at an end the only person he feared never seeing again was the one standing to his right. He dared a glance in her direction, observing her arms folded over her chest, the frown on her face.

'Of course,' she replied. 'You're a valuable asset to Starfleet, it would be a shame for them to lose you.'

'That's not what I'm talking about,' he shot back, the anger rising inside him.

She had no reason to avoid the topic anymore. They were less than an hour from Earth, the place that had for so long been a silent promise to him, why was she still avoiding it?

Unless…

'Why don't you ask Seven?' she replied calmly.

Now her eyes met his as she turned to face him and he felt the invisible punch to his stomach as though it were an actual fist.

And it hurt a whole lot more than any real fist ever had.

'It's not her I'm asking the question of,' he spoke carefully, feeling his heart beating faster now, the sweat pooling in his palms.

She knew.

'But maybe it should be,' she returned. 'I've held you back long enough. You have every right to move on.'

She turned back to watching Earth growing larger on the horizon. He kept his eyes steadily on her.

'Say the word and it's you,' he whispered.

'I won't make that decision for you,' she replied, blinking away tears.

'Kathryn…' he reached out and touched her arm lightly.

She pulled away from him and he knew he'd hurt her.

He wanted her to know the truth, but he realised now wasn't the right time.

'I'll stay,' he said. 'At least for now.'

With that he left her standing alone by the window, and he knew deep down what he needed to do.

6.

'May I?'

He looked up to see her indicating the chair next to him. The welcome home gala had been more exhausting to him than he had expected and he had retired to his own private corner only a few minutes earlier.

'Of course,' he replied, smiling softly.

It was the first time they had spoken since the conversation in her Ready Room and he was surprised to find how comfortable they were with each other. The wine had probably helped.

'I haven't seen Seven for a few hours, is she all right?' her eyes flashed with an emotion that wasn't concern for her shipmate, but he could see she was trying to hide it.

'She broke it off with me three hours ago and left not too long after that,' he replied, taking another sip from his wine.

To his surprise she reached out and touched his other hand lightly under the table. He looked over to her to see a genuine look of concern in her eyes.

'Chakotay…' she whispered. 'Are you all right?'

'I hate to say it, but I'm fine,' he replied. 'We had only been on a few dates.'

'So it wasn't you…' she started and let the words fall away. 'I'm sorry it's none of my business.'

'You think if I loved her like I love you I would have let her walk out that door without a fight?' he replied.

He didn't realise what he'd said until her eyes swung up to meet his and her fingers wrapped tighter around his.

For a moment he felt the panic rising within him, but then he saw the involuntary smile spreading across her lips and he knew he'd said the right thing.

'No, I don't imagine you would,' she replied.

A loud bang on the table had her slip her hand away from his subtly as she turned to face a rather drunk Tom Paris who was taking a seat opposite them and had managed to hit his knee on the table.

'I guess it's inappropriate to swear loudly in such company?' Tom asked as he took a seat, his face clearly in pain. 'When do we get to leave this gala? I just want to get home to Miral…'

'You're dismissed, Lieutenant,' she smiled at him.

'Fortunately for you, you're not my Captain anymore, ma'am,' he replied.

'Ah but I am still your ranking officer,' she teased.

Chakotay watched her as she leaned across the table, launching into a conversation with Tom about parenthood and how terrified B'Elanna was to meet his parents but how it had all gone very well.

He didn't need anything else right then.

She knew, and she hadn't run away from him.

And suddenly everything felt all right with the world.

Suddenly being back on Earth didn't seem so scary.