Author's note: A tiny, tiny ficlet. I was thinking back on season 6. Pre-Red, of course. I was really disappointed with that episode, btw. Anyway, I wondered if Buffy ever stopped pretending when she was alone. I wondered if she was ever honest with herself. I want to believe that she was, that she wasn't always so…whatever. I also wondered if it was a conscious decision by Joss to make Spike the hero of the series, but that's another story.

Enjoy!

Liar

I am staring at the mirror and into my own green eyes.

I am imagining that they are blue.

Sky blue.

Sea blue.

The bluest blue.

I am dreaming on the waves of that ocean.

They carry me to places I didn't even know I wanted to be.

And when the harsh reality of my real world crashes down around me,

I can't help but long for the peace I find in your eyes.

You don't know how much I want to tell you that.

There's no audience for my performance, only me.

But the words still don't come.

Not 'I love you.'

Not 'I'm sorry.'

Not 'forgive me as I have forgiven you.'

Not 'I trust you.'

I want to say them, but even here in this private, reflective moment I can't.

You tell me you love me and I feel myself saying something else.

No.

Never.

Can't happen.

Won't happen.

Accept it.

Give up.

Not possible.

Not real.

Not worthy.

Not right.

I scream and I scream and you just look at me with those eyes -

those eyes shining with tears –

and you take it all, love still dripping from your perfect lips.

I hate you for the pain you make me inflict, but I know that's wrong.

What you don't know is how much it hurts me to say those things.

Or maybe you do.

You look at me as if you do, as if you can see right into my very soul. And that makes me hate you more.

I hate you.

But you know that I'm a liar.