Hello! There are some things I want you to know before starting to read this. As you've probably already guessed, this story takes place before the canon events. I will try to write it in a way that will fit those times which means that there will be mentions of sexism and homophobia.

If anyone feels insulted, then I'm sorry and I want you to know that I don't support any of it. (I'm a girl myself.)

I'm not Croatian, so I don't know if I got the naming right. If anyone finds any mistakes, then you are welcome to correct me.

Please leave a review.

Summary: She has always envied the clouds. (Or: In which dreams are fulfilled in the most peculiar ways and a young girl gets reincarnated as the future Cloud Arcobaleno.) [SI, Self-Insert/OC-Insert as femSkull]

Have fun.

Nobody Sees Me Wishing

Chapter 1

Soldier Keep On Marching On

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Of A Free Floating Cloud

wanderlust (n.) a strong desire or impulse to wander or travel and explore the world.

I.

Nina Lubanja Filipović had always been a rather queer child.

Since the day of her birth on the 8th of August 1955 there had always been something not quite right about her. Not only did the girl see too much, but she also possessed a very nostalgic demeanor. She carried herself with a certain sureness that could only come from years of experience and should not be found in child as young and clumsy as her.

And then there was also this look in her too old eyes that spoke of worlds none of them had ever seen. Of wonders they could not even begin to imagine and times that have long since passed.

Those purple knowing eyes could not belong to a child.

Another curious thing about the girl was the melancholia that seemed to follow each of her step. All of her actions were oddly wistful and precise, as if she was repeating things she had done countless of times in the past.

As such every member of their traveling circus agreed on one thing: little Lubanja wasn't normal.

It was something not even Filip could deny. His daughter was a strange little girl that despite looking like a carbon copy of his late wife, seemed to be the exact opposite of that woman.

Lubanja, for all that she was a child, never behaved like someone her age. She was very mature and a quick learner, though not in a way that he could appreciate. These times they lived in were dangerous, especially for young little girls that questioned too many societal norms.

Gender roles were something that went right over her head and after a while Fillip had to stop trying to force dresses onto her. His tiny daughter could be surprisingly stubborn and he personally could not deny the practicality of trousers.

Besides, he would never forget the conviction in her voice when she tried to explain him that there was no difference between the young French son of two acrobats and herself.

Normally, Filip knew better, but at that moment he could not bring himself to shatter his tiny daughter's world view.

And it were such small instances that astounded the young man the most. He did not understand where these ideas came from and how Lubanja could so wholeheartedly believe in things that seemed... utterly impossible to him.

The child often asked questions he had no answers to and it actually made him feel uncomfortable. How did a man tell his own daughter that she had less rights than him because of her gender?

It was something he himself never had to think about before.

Thus Filip decided to avoid the whole topic for the time being. When Lubanja got older she would be forced to understand how their society truly worked. Until then he would stay besides her and try shadowing his little girl from the cruelness of their world.

At least, his own chosen career would gift her with more freedom than most could dream of.

II.

In 1955 many countries still hadn't recovered from World War II. It was the year in which the last prisoners of war were finally allowed to return home and Winston Churchill resigned as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

The world lost a brilliant mind in form of Albert Einstein that year and Elvis Presley's television debut occurred as well. Only a few months later Rosa Parks refused to obey and surrender her seat in the colored section of a bus to a white passenger, leading to the Montgomery bus boycott.

1955 was a year of many important events as well as the year in which Eliza Lewandowska ended up being reborn.

On Monday, the 8th of August, Eliza entered a new life and exchanged her own name for that of a young Yugoslavian girl. She became Nina Lubanja Filipović, the infant daughter of Matej Filip Ivanović, a stuntman in the French circus 'Lanterne Française', and the newly deceased acrobat Veronica.

Not only did the girl reincarnate after dying, but she also traveled exactly six decades into the past. The 8th of August was both the day of her death and birth.

Being conscious during the birthing process wasn't pleasant, but it still didn't even score the fifth place on her list of things she did not want to repeat ever again. Nothing could beat falling from a tree at the age of five, breaking her spine and becoming an invalid.

Anja, as she now preferred to be referred to, had lost the ability to walk at the age of five in her previous life and had since then been trapped in a wheelchair.

Her first life hadn't been bad nor good.

Eliza Lewandowska, a seventeen years old girl from Poland, had a nice middle class family that did everything to make her situation even the slightest bit better. She had an older sister named Krystyna that felt guilty for what had happened to her and a mother that did not know when to stop fussing. There was also her gentle father and adorable little brother.

They all shared a home just outside of Warsaw in a quiet neighborhood.

Together, they all died in that home due to a gas leak.

(...Or at least that was what she guessed had happened...

...

... Anja only had blurred memories of being carried outside by her father, Krystyna's cries about... their brother not waking up echoing in the background...

... Her father had been crying and cursing their stove loudly...

...

...Anja remembered seeing the early morning sky. Hues of blue, orange and yellow, all mixed into a wonderful spectacle of colors. A few fluffy white clouds obstructed the rising sun and before Eliza even realized what was truly happening, her eyes closed...)

She had shed many tears for her lost family, especially for her toddler brother who had certainly been too young to meet his end. Once she finally regained full consciousness—The body of an infant was too weak to accommodate the mind of a teen.—the girl had cried, grieved and raged.

But at the end, holding on to the past tired her too much. Living in the present and facing her new reality wasn't easy, however, it was much more enjoyable than wallowing in self-pity and despair.

No matter how much she hated herself for admitting it, becoming Anja was the best thing she could have done in her situation.

(...'Anja' was just the first mask the girl crafted...)

By the time she finally managed to live on, Nina Lubanja Filipović was already nine months old. As it turned out, her new father had no experience with children, so he hardly noticed that his daughter wasn't truly normal.

The man was esctatic when he heard her utter her first word, uncaring of the fact that it ended up being a correction of the way he called her...

...because who the hell would like being called Lubanja?

Anja might have not understood everything of the language being spoken around her, but she was still pretty certain that 'Lubanja' wasn't a common name. Besides, she liked being called 'Anja'.

So, every time Filip addressed her with the full form of her second name, the little girl interrupted him with her preferred nickname. The young what she guessed to be Croatian seemed to be completely flabbergasted at first and then slightly disappointed. It seemed as if he had wanted her first word to be something along the lines of 'father' or 'daddy'.

Despite his persistence, Filip started using her favored name after a while.

When it came to stubbornness the man certainly could not beat Anja, thus it wasn't surprising that soon everyone knew her by the shortened form of her second name and she could not have been any happier about it.

Especially once she finally found out what 'Lubanja' truly meant.

Out of all the things he could have chosen, her new father decided to call her skull in Croatian.

Anja was decidedly unamused.

Though she did have to admit that the man wasn't doing too bad altogether. He was a single parent who managed to take care of his child and still follow his passion in form of a French circus. While not perfect, he did not seem to me too prejudiced or sexist.

There were a few inappropriate comments uttered here or there, but Anja could not expect too much of a man in these times. When it came to acceptance and fairness, Filip seemed to possess more of it than most of his colleagues.

In this decade gender equality still did not exist.

This realization was a very hard blow and something not easy to recover from. The girl had never expected that her own gender would become another shackle fastened around her wrists and ankles, trapping her in place.

And yet, not that managed to make her despair.

Her new home would save her from some of this decade's setbacks. If she did not decide to settle down, the once teenage girl would actually have a job. Due to the traveling circus Anja would also be allowed to see the world.

Being a housewife had never been among her plans and as she actually started to consider her current situation, Anja came to the conclusion that performing as a circus artist sounded actually wonderful.

Freedom was the one thing Eliza had always desired the most.

And this second chance was probably the closest she would ever come to attaining that desire.

Thus Anja decided to live the life she could have never had as Eliza. She smiled and smiled and continued smiling even as her new father gently picked her up from her crib.

Her lips never turned downwards, not even when she realized that this world wasn't quite the same as her previous one.

After all, purple was not supposed to be a natural hair color.

III.

Anja took her first hesitant step at the age of two. It was a very late development and certainly an issue that worried the few people she tentatively dared to... call family.

(... there was a great difference between call and consider that Anja knew all too well...)

The circus 'Lanterne Française' had just arrived at its newest rented grounds and people were bustling all around her, setting up the large tents and other attractions. A slightly older girl had been ordered to look after her and a pair of twins. Fillip, after ensuring that the young Spaniard knew of her duties, had put Anja down on a small patch of grass and quickly left to make sure that no harm would come to his ramp while it was being unloaded.

It did not take the teenager-turned-child long to figure out that being a stuntman was something her new father prided himself in.

His damn motorcycle even had a name.

(How come he chose to name an inanimate object Lorena, while he decided to call his own daughter the Croatian equivalent of skull?)

Being left alone with a child was not very comforting. Especially because of the twins that found it very amusing to chew on one of her arms. Anja, as quickly as she could while retaining most of her dignity, retracted herself from the identical pair and scrambled backwards.

Lush green grass tickled her palms and the girl smiled in relief once she saw their babysitter distracting the other two toddlers. Her back leaned against a coarse stone as sun rays warmed her exposed skin.

The pitter-patter of hooves alerted her to the approaching horses and when the four stallions finally were in sight, Anja could even hear their soft neighing. One of the women leading the animals wore shoes that actually forced the girl blink in wonder...

... how the hell did she manage to walk in stilettos on such an uneven ground with perfect grace?...

...

...

... never mind that, the better question was how could she learn to do that?

Anja knew the answer almost immediately...

... She would have to start walking...

The only problem with that was that the girl didn't quite know how.

(In her previous life, Anja had lost the ability to walk at the age of five. She hadn't been capable of walking for more than fourteen years.)

It should have been easy, a feat most children accomplished before their second birthday. However, Anja did not only not know how to do it, but she also feared that all her effort would turn out to be for nothing. Even though she knew that her legs worked, the girl still feared that there might be something amiss.

Hope was something very beautiful and oftentimes unaffordable.

... And yet that did not stop the slight feeling of warmness from blooming inside her chest at the prospect of having two perfectly functioning legs...

...

... walking... running... feeling the soft wind caressing her skin, those were things she could have only dreamed of in her previous life. Now, they could become reality...

...

...

...

... Thus, as she watched the twins playing something akin to tag, Anja pushed herself onto her trembling feet, her hands holding on onto the large rock that was now situated in front of her.

Too weak muscles barely managed to hold her upright. The exertion was almost enough to force her to give up.

But Anja didn't.

She just slowly and very carefully turned around, swaying to the side and almost falling. Her whole body quivered from pain... or was it anticipation?

...

...

...

With her weak and chubby legs, Nina Lubanja Filipović took her first step.

IV.

''Lubanja, please, we have to board the train now.''

Fillip was exasperated, Anja could see that in the way his brows furrowed slightly and one of his fingers kept twitching.

''We could just take your mo-tor-cy-cle.'' Demurred Anja easily, tilting her head and pouting softly. Her fingers pulled at the sleeves of her violet shirt, showing her nervousness to the man who had become her father.

To stop her from wearing out one of the only four child-sized shirts in their possession, Fillip took a hold of his daughter's hands and pulled her forward in the direction of the platform. ''This isn't trip of three or four hours, Lubanja. France is more than a days journey away from here.''

Another indicator of his irritation was the fact that he was calling her 'Lubanja'. He did that only when her behavior truly angered or stressed him.

''But such trains are always the worst. People will be crowding us for the whole ride.'' She whined unashamedly, a scowl slowly forming on her face.

If there was one thing Anja hated, then it was having her movements restricted. Now that she could finally walk, the girl did not want to be confined in narrow spaces with a bunch of strangers.

''I know, Lubanja.'' Fillip sighed, rubbing his temple with one hand. ''I know that you hate trains, but we don't have another choice. Taking my motorcycle would be even worse than all the crowding we will experience.''

Although she wasn't too far from stomping her feet, Anja could still understand his reasoning. France wasn't just a few towns away and the weather could end up being a great hindrance and danger should Filip agree to not board the train.

Sometimes, the girl wished she truly were a child. If it were so, she would not have been forced to listen to the voice whispering in the back of her mind that Filip was right. Anja could have just thrown a huge temper tantrum and hoped that their train would be gone by the time she finished.

As it was, the young child just squeezed the man's hand to show her reluctant acceptance and followed him to the giant machine that would transport them from Romania to France. International travels were always very tiring because of all the precautions the different countries were taking. They had to endure long border controls and then there was also the fact that they would have to change their train in Switzerland.

The only positive aspect of the whole thing was that they would finally be leaving the Socialist Republic of Romania.

As World War II had come to an end, Romania, as a former Axis member, had been occupied by the Soviet Union.

Arrests of anyone who opposed the Communist government were common nowadays and the repression was almost palpable in the air. Many innocent people were accused and falsely taken into custody. They were forced to work in labor camps, numerous dying due to the harsh conditions.

In some areas it was hard to navigate through the streets because everything looked the same. There were many construction sites upon which systemized apartment blocks would be erected in the near future.

Romania wasn't a safe place and only a few circus members willingly left their grounds during their stay there. Anja, just like all of the other children, had been safely kept on the circus grounds and taken care of by the adults.

She had still seen enough of the country to know that the current times were horrible.

The girl was just happy to finally go back to her second birth country.

Still, she would have preferred not spending more than a day inside a train.

Feeling cool hands under her armpits, Anja turned her head towards her caretaker and observed how he picked her up so that she would not have to walk up the few steps that led inside their vehicle. It was as crowded as she had feared it would be and they had to fight their way inside one of the compartments.

Being a child ensured that Anja always received a seat in such situations. Most times other members of the circus boarded the train swiftly and reserved as many seats as possible.

Sitting was certainly preferable to standing. She could only pray their next train would have less passengers. Hopefully, then she would not have to sit on one of the bony acrobats' laps.

For now, that was the only option.

Anja pitied her father who would be periodically switching places with one of the seated circus members.

''It won't be that bad, Anja.'' Filip whispered into her ear as their compartment door opened.

Seeing the twelve people already occupying it, the young girl sent the man an incredulous look and resigned herself to an uncomfortable ride.