Ethan didn't sleep particularly too well that night, but not because of guilt, noise, or his PTSD, but because of Sarah's confession. Her house key had been the last thing he'd had of hers and he left it on her coffee table; for sure of the end of their relationship. But now he wasn't so certain. Their problems were still there. He knew one day he wanted to start a family and he knew that it wasn't something she wanted. He stepped up to the challenge of fatherhood because he saw no other way, but he didn't want children anytime soon. Ethan had been the one to tell her that she shouldn't dissect their connection, she should just let it bloom, and if he was taking his own advice then that's what he should do. After all he was in love with her but he had to wonder if she was too. Was it real for her like it had been for him? This thought would repeat within him.

….

The average desk paperweight measured just a little over a pound give or take. The letter on Sarah's coffee table had to weigh at least a hundred pounds; maybe a ton. It had practically broken the legs on her coffee table as it sat untouched for the past few weeks. Well not really, but that was the weight it held on Sarah. She paced around it one day wondering if it was an explanation, the note, directions to some place he stashed everything. Maybe it was money, or Katy Perry tickets knowing Wheeler and his sense of humor. Whatever it was or said it was more than its contents. It signified the last correspondence she would ever have with him. The tub, the grave; they would be nothing compared to reading his final words.

It was Thursday evening and she paced; back and forth around the behemoth on her coffee table. Finally she picked it up and ran her thumb underneath the flap. Her heart racing nervously, she pulled the letter out and opened the tri-folded paper.

Hey De-Lovely,

I should probably just cut the shit and get right to it huh? I'm so sorry. I really am. I tried. I really did. I wanted to be a doctor ever since I was just a little Wheel' at home with my mom watching General Hospital. I wanted to make a difference and my very first day I did. I calmed a patient down and found a diagnosis for a serious illness. But as time went on that high wore off and reality kicked. I wasn't helping as much and I started to question if I even could. Everything I've touched from the moment I started my residency has turned to dust. It's no one's fault; it's just the last seed on my dandelion blew away when Kaitlin took her last breath. I started with her and it just seemed fitting to end with her.

It wasn't all bad. I met you, and saw that the world could go on, just not for me.

I meant what I said Sarah, you are beautiful, in every sense of the word and anyone that can't see that is a fool. You will make all the difference in this world. You're going to heal so many people. I'm only sorry I won't be there to see it.

J.

Sarah was happy that the letter wasn't written in ink because her tears dotted the page. She smiled as she could hear his voice in her head. She could never do what Jason did but she understood that not everyone could or even wanted to carry the crushing weight of this life on their shoulders. She sat there a little numb and then she inhaled sharply and then exhaled. She got up and nestled the letter in between the pages of The Velveteen Rabbit and returned the book to the shelf.

….

Sarah got up the next day ready to finish her work week. It had been a hellish few weeks to say the least but normalcy was beginning to settle back in. The familiar routine of the bus ride with music to accompany her steps, none deep or dark but uplifting.

She was looking through a panel when she saw Jack's name on the order. He was one of Wheeler's "nuggets". She never saw the kids that day she went up. She'd been stopped by Jason and his breakdown in the hall. So she decided to go up and visit them. She didn't know any magic tricks but it was a way to honor Jason and she did wonder about their conditions too. She jumped on the elevator and rode up to the pediatric floor of the hospital. There was Jack; sitting at the edge of his bed. His short legs hanging off the side as he dangled his feet over. He looked better than the last time and so did Maddie.

"Hi guys," Sarah said as chipper as possible.

They both looked happy but just a little confused.

"Where's Wheeler?" Jack squeaked.

Sarah's mask hid the quiver in her chin as she smiled hoping none of the hurt she felt reached her eyes.

"Well, he's not here anymore," she answered still smiling.

"Where did he go?" Maddie asked.

"Um…he left with Kaitlin," Sarah said surely.

These two may have been young but they understood exactly what she meant. She looked over their charts. Jack was going to be leaving soon and Maddie's cancer was responding positively to the chemo. At least these little nuggets would make it. Sarah stayed and played a game of Go Fish with them before the same crabby nurse that plagued Wheeler asked her to leave so they could nap.

So Sarah returned to the mundane of the lab. She chose to use the stairs and walk through each floor of the hospital as to drag her feet to the dreaded basement. She was in the ED waxing on the past until she ran into Dr. Shore.

"Sarah, where have you been? I need you to review a few samples and it's time for your first solo autopsy," she said sternly.

"No," Sarah answered with confused conviction.

"Excuse me?" Dr. Shore answered puzzled and a little offended.

"No…I'm sorry Dr. Shore, I don't think I can do this," Sarah said as the realization hit her.

"Sarah, we were counting on you," Dr. Shore answered defeated.

"I know… and I'm sorry, but I can't make a difference in the lab. I quit," she said as she walked away and then out of Gaffney Medical Center.

She was on such strange new footing that she hadn't noticed Maggie, Ethan, and Dr. Charles watching her; all grinning as she made the courageous step to leave. She walked home and thought about what an irrational decision it was to do what she did but life was too short to play it safe.

The next morning she awoke and looked for her ear buds as she was realizing that she was going into routine mode. But she didn't have a job.

"Where are my ear-buds?" she thought.

They were at work and as liberating as the entire experience had been she left a locker full of her personal effects at the hospital. She would need to return to retrieve them. She pulled on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and some sneakers and headed out to the hospital.

Clearing out her locker was like moving out of her apartment. It was exciting but terrifying. She was elated that she'd escaped a purposeless life of boredom but she was terrified as to how she would pay her bills and actually help people if she wasn't working in medicine. These thoughts shuffled about in her mind taking precedence over the other; money, bills, career. Back and forth; endlessly looping and cascading imminent anxiety until she heard.

"Hey kiddo."

She stopped in her tracks as the worry paused to allow in the new visitor.

"Dr. Charles, hi," Sarah acknowledged respectfully.

She was about to return to the worry-room in her mind but Daniel was reading her face and her hurried eyes. He also looked down at the small bag of odds and ends things she was carrying.

"Is that what's left of your residency?" he asked with a sincere smile.

Sarah nodded as his words did nothing to soothe the panic looming in her chest.

"Yeah…I quit pathology," Sarah said as the words solidified the realness of the entire situation.

"Well I knew you were no fool-," he started.

"-I have no job," Sarah answered as the second blow of reality hit her brave decision.

"It was smart to quit pathology…your talent was wasted down there," he said.

"My talent?" Sarah said almost laughing.

"Oh yes, you may not have noticed but I've seen you; your affinity towards the patients. You're good with them Sarah; especially that kid that came in," he said encouragingly.

He was talking about Danny. Sarah hadn't even realized that he'd observed her in the ED that day.

"You saw that?" Sarah asked startled.

Daniel nodded before saying,

"You know so much of psychiatry is about laying the framework; figuring out a way to talk to people, so we can build bridges to them; allowing them to trust us. So ultimately we can treat them. You did that for that kid almost instantly. You have a gift Sarah," he said intensely.

"I don't know about that, some gift that allows those closest to you to die," she said sorrowfully.

"Dr. Wheeler?" he asked.

Sarah nodded, "Maybe if I'd had more psychiatry training I would've seen the obvious signs…maybe he'd still be here," Sarah said as some of that old fog enclosed her words; her face.

"If you're serious you can," he said.

The fog dissipated as quickly as it was moving in when Sarah looked up.

"Huh?" she implored.

"I'm the Chief of Staff of Psychiatry at this hospital. I can hire or open any residency spots that I see fit. I would like to extend one to you…if you're serious," he said as he handed her his card and walked away.

Sarah stared at the card in her hand as the offer permanently hit the brakes on her creeping anxiety. Psychiatry, she'd never given it much thought and in a lot of ways it was more challenging than the ED. When she arrived home the letter Jason wrote her was open on the coffee table. The dried dots of her tears wrinkling small portions of the page, as she tried to flatten the document, her hands swiping over the verse;

You will make all the difference in this world. You're going to heal so many people.

She'd quit pathology because she couldn't impact any real change down there. Staring at the letter was the realization that she never wanted anyone else to have a letter; a goodbye like this. Never one to back down from a challenge she picked up the phone and dialed the number to Dr. Charles' direct line.

"When do we start?" she asked with a smile.

…

They would begin the following Monday after he'd processed her paperwork and human resources had given her new clearance for her position in the hospital. For the first time in a while Sarah felt calm and somewhat peaceful. Her wounds left from Jason were still there but pursuing psychiatry and visiting the "nuggets" a second time were helping her to heal. One thing hadn't quite healed and that was her fear of being in her room or sleeping in her bed without her ear-buds in. She would fall asleep reading on her chaise and in different spots on her sofa but sleeping in her room was still too difficult. She missed Ethan and unbeknownst to her he missed her too.

…

On the nights that Ethan was finished with group he would get in his jeep and drive home; always avoiding Monica like the plague. Often he would lie down and open up his app; Words With Friends, on his phone. Her name was always greyed-out. She never played anymore and Ethan would worry about her; all alone in her apartment; no group, no best friend, no support, and now no job. He was proud of her for making that leap but it was the last time he'd seen her. They almost never saw each other coming in and out of their building and sometimes he wondered if she was still even staying there; she'd been so quiet. He never heard her anymore either. Sometimes he'd wake up in the middle night thinking he heard something; maybe her. His fingers would be sliding past the other and wrapping themselves around his sheets as he used to loop them around her curls at night. He missed her more than he realized, and his coolness towards her at the break of their relationship was besetting him.

One day after group he came home; changed, and went for a long jog. Her last words traveled through him. It was almost fate that he saw her when he was leaping up the stairs after his run. She heard him and turned with a quick smile.

"I'm sorry…," he blurted out.

Sarah looked confused.

"For Monica…the woman...the noise," he said embarrassed;stepping towards her.

"Oh…you couldn't have known about Jason and well… we broke up so…," Sarah said regretfully with a shrug.

"Yeah but it was still a mistake," he admitted.

"I think as neighbors we should just try and make sure we're considerate of the noise we make," she said reassuringly as she began to walk towards her door.

It still hurt but she didn't want to shame him anymore and she needed to move on until he said.

"The mistake wasn't the noise…it was the belief that I could be with anyone that could make me feel…the way you do," he confessed.

She stopped as the key pushed into the door; looking up from it and over at Ethan. He looked sorry but also afraid. He still didn't know; had it been real for her? Sarah nodded and went in. Ethan took off upstairs hoping he could rid himself of any other pent up feelings around her but his confession and hers had complicated the break-up. Neither of them was over the other.

When he got in from his run he showered and walked into his room. He opened the window to allow the Chicago spring in; he was hoping it would motivate the little bird to want to fly. Almost like kindred spirits when his was broke so was the birds'. It hadn't been behaving the way it used to when it appeared to be on the mend.

"It's a beautiful day…Don't you miss the air? The wind?" He asked as he narrowed his eyes in toward the bird.

The bird just stared at him with its dark beady little eyes; snapping up pieces of seeds from his hands. Ethan pulled it back to force the bird to come further.

"C'mon, you can do it," he said encouragingly, "Like this," he said using his arms to flap up and down.

Some of the seeds escaped his fingers and the bird flew out to grab them. It was on the floor eating.

"Close," he remarked with a smile.

Ethan turned to look at the sunset; at the warmth of fire and ember exploding through his bedroom. He flinched when he realized the bird had perched itself on his shoulder.

"That kind of freedom…to be able to just soar…you're missing out buddy," he said mournfully at the beauty of the sunset.

Just then the bird pressed its claws against his shoulder and pushed forward; flying out the window. Ethan's face lit up as he watched it glide through the sky becoming smaller and smaller until it was no longer visible. Ethan hadn't even given the bird a name. To do so was to own it and he never wanted to own it; only to help it transition.

He thought about that while he made himself dinner; naming things. He didn't give his child a name, he didn't even know the sex of the baby. He never really gave a name to what he was with Sarah either and even though he'd told her that he'd fallen in love with her she hadn't given any name to what she felt for him. It was still locked into the question of how she actually felt. Was it just a crush, a lustful conquest, a fantasy to bed the older man; her superior? Or had she fallen in love with him too. Deep down he believed she had but her inability at weathering the storm with him had caused him to second-guess it.

….

Sarah usually came home; showered off the day or threw on some comfy attire and made dinner. She listened to the news or classical music and read up on psychiatry journals to help her in her new residency. When she tired of that she would lie against the chaise and think about Jason. The conversations they would be having right now; the laughter he could always get out of her even when he saved none for himself. She thought to the beginning of their friendship as she pulled her phone out. She opened Words With Friends, she stared at the greyed out name. It would never highlight again. Just then a messaged pinged.

"Up for a game?" he asked.

It was SawBoat312; Ethan. Sarah had to smile at the strange coincidence so she answered back.

"Sure…you must miss getting beat," she teased.

"We'll see," he snarked back.

Their game like usual was close with high scoring words; intricate and complex, but just when Sarah thought her last word was the game ender Ethan used a familiar one to beat her. It was the same word she saw on his scrabble table months prior.

"Hold on…did the study get rushed?" Sarah implored.

"?" he sent back.

"Did you talk to Hasbro?! Sarah wrote.

"Maybe," he answered coyly.

"Lol," she wrote laughing.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door as Sarah shook her head at her defeat. She stood up to get it without looking through the peephole; she opened it. It was Ethan.

"Julie from customer service was extremely helpful," he joked.

Sarah laughed and then looked down; he was carrying her china plate.

"I saved one for you and me," he said with a smile.

"Come in," Sarah said with a smile to match.

Ethan handed her the plate and she pressed her finger against one of the cookies.

"Ooh they're still soft…although they taste the best warm," she said certainty.

She put the plate in the microwave to resurrect them to their former oven's glory. She poured two glasses of milk but Ethan declined and had a glass of water instead.

She brought the plate over to him with the warmed up treats, grabbing one and taking a quick bite. Ethan looked at her and smiled trying to contain his giggle, but ultimately failing, and laughing at her.

"What," she said with a playful smile as she narrowed her eyes at him.

"You got a little something," he said using his finger to motion the area around his chin and lips.

She pressed her lips together trying to wipe at it looking at him to see if she got it. He shook his head with a smile and walked over.

"May I?" he said.

She nodded a little embarrassed. He looked down using his thumb to wipe away the chocolate drizzle draped on her chin. His thumb drew a smudge under the outline of her bottom lip as he kept it there far longer than needed. He still had a hold of her chin. Sarah was looking at his eyes; traveling through the deep dark caverns of every emotion and thought held there. She was pulled in and now lost again as he stared at her mouth. She skimmed her hand up and then wrapped it around his wrist. He pulled her chin in closer and kissed her. It was soft and supple as he raised his other hand to the side of her face. He could taste the sweetness of chocolate and vanilla and then the faintest bitterness of the confections truth. Her hands were under his shirt exploring the hard grooves of his chest to find those familiar scars; his humanity. His shirt was the first to come off as she walked them backward to her bedroom. Then hers hit the ground and they fell against her bed.

It should've been his hands in her hair as his fingers massaged her scalp and lightly frolicked in the playground of her curls.

It should've been the way his thumbs circled her cheeks after each deep kiss.

It should've been the way he stared at her chest; her skin, after he removed her bra.

But ultimately it was when he stared at her. When they locked eyes, eye contact; it had always been a huge deal to Ethan during sex. He liked the dominance he had with Sarah; when he flirted with her, and even more so when he was inside of her. Her inability to hide the out of control feelings she had during those moments. But not this time; the dominance wasn't there. He was open, bare, and lost in her eyes; trying to find some kind of absolution or the answer between her thighs; some kind of truth.

"Is this real?" He asked as his fingers pulled her sheets into his grip.

Ethan's voice was arduous and teetering off a cliff. Each drive into her was more intense than the last with his breath like creaky floor boards and his posture atop her almost rigid and stiff; a human damn barricading something much bigger and all he wanted to do was set it down even if it was for the quickest second. Sarah was confused at first; his eyes pleading with her.

"Ple-ase; is it?" he begged.

It was clear he was close as Sarah pulled herself from the spell of his embrace to focus on his words. She knew the answer he needed to hear. They were still connected, locked in eye contact, as she placed her hands around his face enclosing it and pulling it in; bypassing his lips for a kiss, they found their destination at his ear. She whispered;

"It's real Ethan."

The deep groan from within him rumbled his chest against hers as he finally found his absolution; his relief passing to her with each gush of his release. Atlas had set the world down. He held that position for a split second, staring into her eyes as a smile graced his face. Finally he relaxed upon her. He rolled over and they both laid there in her bed as the silence filled the room but not internally at least not for Sarah. There was one more ghost still haunting them.

"He'd given the majority of his clothes and furniture to charity," Sarah started breaking the silence, "He'd been spending large amounts of money; emptying his accounts, he had loud, glaring signs he was suicidal and I missed it," Sarah said stoically.

"Sarah, listen to me," Ethan said turning to his side to face her, "Sometimes no matter how hard we try, even when we do everything right, innocent people still get hurt and that helplessness and those repetitive thoughts will eat you up," he stated.

"He wrote me a letter," Sarah said.

She leaned over and handed it to Ethan. She never thought she would ever share it with anyone but in this moment they had chosen truth over games and petty emotions and Sarah wanted Ethan to also know he wasn't at fault. He looked through the letter; a small half-smile coming to his face near the end.

"He's right, you make people see themselves in a whole new way…I like the person I am in your eyes," he stated as he ran his thumb across the bottom of her lip.

"It's weird how we don't know something feels whole until it's broken," she said.

"Yeah," he said with a bittersweet smile.

"You make me feel whole Ethan," Sarah admitted as his thumb still meandered under her bottom lip.

He leaned over and kissed her and for the first time Sarah wasn't the only caught under his spell because he was caught under hers. He could've drowned there and welcomed the water to his lungs as he held her chin close. They were saturated in honesty; in love, until a sharp noise broke up their dream-like state. If either of them had learned anything it was that whenever a knock came at the door in the middle of these moments they shared the news was almost never positive. They both stared at each other with this realization. Skipping over any curiosity as to who was at the door; neither wanted to move to get it but the pounding got louder.

"Shit," they both said in unison as their feet hit the floor.

Sarah got up and grabbed her robe quickly tying a knot around her waist. She peered through the peephole; stepping back, she looked around even more confused.

"I must be dreaming," she thought.

Ethan had put his pants on and walked up next to her as she twisted the knob and opened the door to make sure it wasn't a dream and sure enough it wasn't.

"Mom?!" Sarah said astonished.

"Hello Sarah," she answered.