Fall Challenge # 1: Talk Like A Pirate Day

RULES:
1. Any romantic pairings must be non-canon by the end of the story: Sheldon/Penny, Leonard/Amy, Howard/Raj, Amy/Raj, Bernadette/Penny, Sheldon/Leonard, etc (Please remember to list the pairing in your story description)
2. Must have the BBT characters dealing with Pirates, talking about Pirates, or being Pirates
3. Length must be between 500 and 7,500 words long (this is 2,214)
4. Must be posted to Fanfiction or Ao3 by September 19th, 2017 for International Talk Like A Pirate Day

A/N: I'd almost given up on writing altogether, and then all of a sudden I lie down for bed and BOOM! I have an idea for TLAPD. At 11pm on the fucking 17th. Whatever, I'll take it! Fair warning, it's not much and it has a very open ending, hopefully leading to more later on. But this is it for this year's challenge.

It took two years, but her plants had finally borne fruit.

Or rather, beans.

Magic beans, that is.

Bernadette, glasses sitting at the tip of her nose, squinted at the iridescent beans sprouting from the small stalks in her greenhouse. Then, realizing she'd been squinting, she pushed her glasses back up her nose and smiled.

"They're ready."

"WHAT?" someone hollered from across the small yard.

"I SAID THE BEANS ARE READY!" Bernadette yelled back.

Howard Wolowitz - known to very few as Wolowizard, and only mockingly - walked through the greenhouse door and asked of his wife, "Want me to send word?"

"Could you?" she asked in reply. "You're much quicker than a messenger bird."

He bowed deeply, his starry hat almost falling off his head. "As my lady commands."

Bernadette giggled and watched her husband go back to the small cottage. She heard a slight slithery rustle behind her and said, "Don't even think about it, buster." The large plant shuffling toward her hunched in on itself and slunk back to it's spot in the corner.

~*DD*~*DD*~*DD*~

Captain Sheldon Cooper of the Pirate Ship Enterprise, known only as Captain Cooper by his enemies and crew alike, stood at the helm and breathed in the sea air. Light footsteps on the stairs alerted him to company.

"Ahoy!"

Cooper had to work to keep his expression neutral; the slightest tightening of his lips was the only indication that he wanted to smile. Blonde hair framed a tan face; eyes like emeralds sparkled - only the right eye had a slight imperfection, a brown fleck. He studied it often. What was once a bright white linen shirt had become dingey off-white with wear and wash. A shorter belt-styled corset in deep crimson showcased a trim waist, and black leather trousers fit snug in indecent places. Black leather boots - the very same that alerted the Captain - ended in an attractive but impractical heel that Captain Cooper frequently lectured against, and was promptly ignored.

"Finally up and about, I see."

Penelope grinned and Captain Cooper was merely Sheldon once more. Only for her. "Well, we can't all be up at the crack of dawn, Captain," she said. "Some of us need our beauty sleep."

Sheldon took Penelope's hand and guided it to the wheel in front of him, putting her in between. He held her hands on the wheel and rested his chin on the crown of her head. "Penelope, you have never needed sleep to be beautiful." She relaxed and leaned back into him. He continued in her ear, "But you do need it to be pleasant, my hell-kitten." He pressed a kiss into her temple and stepped to the side, smirking as he made sure his throat and private parts were well away from her.

She whirled on him, hands on hips and sparks in her eyes. "And what exactly is that supposed to mean, Captain?"

"Merely that you are volatile if woken before the sun reaches above the windows in the cabin," he stated, his hands crossed behind him, but also poised to run should she move toward him.

It was a game they played often, this cat-and-mouse. It kept things interesting between them. There was never a dull moment on a pirate ship, but this was just between them. It was fun.

Her posture turned from defensive to predatory. The hands on her hips clawed slightly and she hunched forward just a bit, ready to strike. Her eyes flashed.

And suddenly a puff of smoke appeared before them, leaving a piece of parchment to float to the deck.

"What the-" Penelope startled. Sheldon crouched to pick it up and saw only his name on the outside, but no seal. It was folded in on itself like an envelope, as though the writer had been in a hurry and didn't have time for wax to dry.

Of course, the puff of smoke told him the note was likely from Wolowitz, but Penelope wouldn't know that. "Come," he said. "Let's find out what Wolowitz has to say."

~*DD*~*DD*~*DD*~

Captain Cooper,

I hope this letter finds you well. I myself am doing very well indeed. Thanks to you and Penny, I am happily married to my dear sweet Bernadette.

Speaking of, she's why I'm writing. If you could make your way to us, we have something for you. A thank you gift for helping us.

This parchment is spelled to return to me upon your signature, if you'd like to reply.

Wolowizard

Sheldon had told Penelope about Penny and how she'd wanted him to find his realm's version of her. It had taken him a year, but he had.

Now, a year later, two years after the blonde cannonball had blown through his life, Wolowitz summons him. He wondered what this gift could be.

Penelope scrunched her nose. "I still can't believe he seriously calls himself Wolowizard. Who would marry someone like that?"

Sheldon took a quill from his desk and penned a response. They were about three weeks from the port nearest Bernadette's little cottage. "Apparently Bernadette finds him sweet and funny. I find him annoying, but useful."

Penelope shrugged and leaned against the arm of his chair. "I guess there's someone for everyone."

Sheldon threaded his fingers through hers and kissed the back of her hand. "Indeed."

~*DD*~*DD*~*DD*~

Three weeks later, Mr. Hofstadter longingly watched Penelope ride next to Captain Cooper on the horses he'd procured.

Then the stable's Mistress beckoned him and Mr. Hofstatdter decided to make his undoubtedly short time on land worthwhile.

~*DD*~*DD*~*DD*~

As they approached the tiny cottage, Sheldon squared his shoulders and carefully wiped all emotion from his face, once more becoming Captain Cooper. "Beware Bernadette. I'm not sure she's entirely sane."

Penelope smirked and raised an eyebrow. "If what you've told me is true, I'm sure she's not. She'd have to be some kind of kooky to marry Wolowitz."

Cooper shook his head and explained, "No. Well, yes, but that's not to what I was referring. When I met her two years ago she claimed she had tamed Venemous Tantacula and had wrestled it. And she said this like it wasn't dangerous or terrifying." He shuddered and dismounted. As he tied his horse he continued. "Just be wary of her."

Penelope shrugged. She sounded interesting.

Cooper knocked on the door and flinched when something crashed and a small explosion rocked the tiny cottage.

"COMING!"

A moment later the door opened and Wolowitz, resplendent in blue starry robes, was slightly singed and a lock of hair was on fire. His eyebrows and hat were gone.

"Captain! Come in, come in!" he said, stepping away from the door. "I was just experimenting with a new potion and your knock startled me. Nothing I can't fix later."

Penelope swayed past him and snuffed the flame with her thumb and forefinger. "You got a little something...everywhere."

"She's much the same," Wolowitz whispered to Cooper.

Cooper glared, "She's not the same. Penny went home not long after she met you. This is Penelope; she is this realm's version of Penny. Penny's realm has a version of me, and a version of you, and a version of Bernadette, and a great many others, I presume. Hence her acquiescence to help you. In her realm, her Bernadette and Wolowitz were together and happy. She wished to bring the two of you together here because she already knew you'd be happy." Cooper said all of this while still standing in the doorway. Upon realization, he moved.

Penelope had already taken a seat in the sitting room - and there were more than one room, which Sheldon noticed now that he was fully inside. Wolowitz must have done something to combine their two homes, because the outside was still the tiny one-room cottage, but the inside was most definitely the interior of what was previously known as Villa de Wolowizard, staircase and all.

It was bigger on the inside.

Something resonated in Captain Cooper with that phrase, but didn't let it show. It was an impressive bit of magic, but he'd never tell.

"Cap, you said he wasn't much of a wizard, but this place is bigger on the inside," Penelope said from her seat on the sofa. Drat, he thought. He'd have to say it now.

"Indeed, this is an impressive display of skill I had previously thought you incapable, Wolowitz."

Wolowitz laughed, "You know it was an accident? I had meant to just transport my house to this location, but I miscalculated and only brought the inside. At first, Bernie moved all of her stuff over to my place, because I still had to care for Ma, but when she died, well - apparently the soil around my place wouldn't grow much but grass and weeds, and she missed this place, so I decided to move the house here, where the soil is better. And Bernie still owned the land and everything. So the cottage was empty, thankfully, but now it's full to bursting with extras. But you'd never know it from the outside. I tried once to fix it, but she said she liked it like this."

"Yes, it's tiny on the outside, but great big and full of magic on the inside, just like my Howie." Bernadette was wiping dirt off her hands with a cloth, just come from her greenhouse. "It's good to see you again, Sheldon." She turned to Penelope and held out a dirt-free hand. "Hi, I'm Bernadette."

Penelope stood and accepted the proffered hand. "Penelope. It's a delight, really. I've heard a lot about you two from Sheldon."

Captain Cooper interrupted them. "I hate to be rude, but I detest banal small talk." He saw Penelope level a glare at him but ignored her for the moment. "You said you had something for us?"

"Oh!" Bernadette exclaimed. "Yes! Follow me." She picked up the skirts of her gardening dress and quickly made her way to the back door. Penelope followed, with Howard close behind and Sheldon warily bringing up the rear. He knew the greenhouse was back there and wanted to stay away from plants that could kill him. He had his sword, but Venemous Tentacula was tricky.

The greenhouse was different than he remembered, unsurprisingly. There were the expected vegetables, pretty flowers, herbs, and fungi. The Tentacula remained, but had been uprooted and potted - obviously the insane woman had delivered on her promise and came out the unscathed victor. He must not underestimate her.

But the most startling difference was the row of beanstalks. Nothing like the giants' stairways to the skies you hear about in stories, but very obviously beanstalks growing from terra cotta pots. Pods dotted the stalks. She'd managed to grow magic beans.

"Last year the stalks grew but didn't produce anything," Bernadette explained. "I was afraid the same was going to happen this year, but as you can see-" she picked a pod and handed it to Captain Cooper. He opened it to reveal two of the beans, clear in the shade of the greenhouse. "They've done just fine. I have enough to study as well as sell, should we need to.

"You can have those two," she said, grinning. "One as thanks, and one as congratulations."

For a while, they were silent. Sheldon's facade almost cracked. Penelope's hand on his arm brought his attention back to her.

"Honey, we can go anywhere we want and not have to worry about how to get back!" She squeezed his arm and then whirled on their hostess, engulfing her in a hug. "Thank you! I know I didn't do anything for you guys but thank you anyway." She pulled away and looped her arm through his. "I've always wanted to travel. Honestly, it was the biggest reason I left my hometown to sail with pirates - although the Captain being so handsome is definitely a plus." She smiled up at him, then continued. "But how many people honestly get to travel to another realm? This is a dream come true."

Captain Cooper slid the bean pod into his belt pouch and laid his hand on Penelope's arm, then inclined his head. "Indeed. Thank you. Once again, I hate to be rude, but we must be going. I have plans and preparations to make."

"Not at all," Wolowitz said. "We understand, don't we honey bunny?"

She giggled and wrapped her arms around him. "Yes we do."

Captain Cooper, growing more uncomfortable by the minute, held firm to Penelope's arm in his and half-marched them toward the doorway. "Right, well. Goodbye."

"Bye! It was nice to meet you!" Penelope waved over their shoulders with her free arm.

They were halfway to their horses when Bernadette yelled after them, "Keep in touch! Don't be a stranger!"

"Definitely!" Penelope called back after mounting her horse.

Once they reached the town near the port, Sheldon asked her, "What did Bernadette mean when she said 'don't be a stranger?' We've met her, obvioiusly we'll never be strangers to each other."

Penelope smiled. His cluelessness was adorable sometimes. "It just means she wants us to visit sometimes, Sweetie."

"Oh. Well why didn't she just say that?"

Penelope rolled her eyes and smiled.

A new adventure awaited them and she couldn't wait.