Everything seemed different after hearing the news that Kurt was going to be ok. He couldn't explain it exactly. The hospital, the people, the staff all looked different somehow, which seemed like a good thing to him. He just felt so happy that he was going to be ok. Well, the doctor said that he wasn't out of the woods yet. He still had to recover without any complications, but the worse part was over. Now all they waited on was for Kurt to wake up. They knew that it was going to be a few days before he woke up, he needed to rest and heal.
If Blaine wasn't anxious enough to see Kurt's eyes, or hear his voice before, he definitely was now. Knowing the he would eventually wake up, made Blaine extremely impatient. He knew it would take time, but it had also been a lot of time since the last he did hear his voice. All he wanted right now was Kurt. He didn't want to be anywhere else, he didn't want to do anything except be with Kurt.
He couldn't though, he had a funeral to go to. He just couldn't do cremation. He knew that Kurt never wanted cremation for anyone, he couldn't stand the thought of burning someone he loved, let alone his daughter. To be frank, Blaine didn't care for it either, it scared him a little. He had to do the funeral. They were out of time and cremation was not an option. Blaine had talked to Burt about the option but Burt told him that he too believed Kurt would never want cremation. So he made his decision, now he just had to talk to Rachel about it.
"You want to do what with her?" She just about screamed into Blaine's ear, her voice raised a few octaves. Blaine had to take a second to recover.
"No, Rachel. I don't want cremation. She's your daughter too! I wanted to ask." He said. Rachel seemed to calm down knowing that he had said no to cremation.
"No way, no cremation." She said wiping away a stray tear.
"Okay." Blaine knew that it was the right decision, but he couldn't help but feel guilty. He felt as if he was making the wrong decision because Kurt won't be at the funeral. They had to have it within the next two days. The morgue couldn't wait any longer. Kurt wasn't showing any signs of waking up yet. He was not looking forward to telling Kurt that he missed his daughter's funeral. He didn't have a choice, and he knew that Kurt was going to blame himself and feel terrible about not being able to go even though he really couldn't. He won't believe that it's not his fault, and it was going to be hard to make him understand that.
"What's wrong?" Rachel asked rubbing Blaine's shoulder. She looked at him worriedly until he spoke.
"Kurt. He's not going to be there." Blaine and Rachel didn't say anything else. They both knew that it was going to be an even harder road to recovery for Kurt than they thought.
So here he was, now, dressed in a black suite, staring at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and puffy, his hands were shaky, and he was struggling to not cry his eyes out. He saw Burt and Carole walk up behind him. He knew that looking at them would make him let all the tears loose, if there even anymore tears for him shed. He had cried so much in the past few months, he thought he'd be dried up by now.
Burt placed a hand on Blaine's shoulder. He too had red, puffy eyes. Carole held Burt's other hand and she was silently crying, unable to hide the sadness for her son and son-in-law, and for her granddaughter. Blaine felt the hand on his shoulder and he closed his eyes, tear escaping down his cheeks. He looked and turned around to Carole handing him a tissue. He smiled a small smile at her and took it. He cleaned up and left the bathroom. They stopped at the door to Kurt's room. Burt and Carole looked back to Blaine.
"I'll be right there. I just need a minute." They nodded their understanding and left for the elevator.
Blaine turned toward the door and took a deep breath. He walked in slowly. He eyes landed on Kurt, whose condition still had yet to change. He stood there for a moment, taking in Kurt's appearance for what felt like the first time. He was skinny, really skinny. His cheeks were just about hollow, causing his cheek bones to stand so much more than usual. The gown he wore seemed as if he was three sizes too big. The collar of it was so loose Blaine could see Kurt's collar bone, which was too visible. It pained him to see his husband in such a state. He walked over slowly, not taking his eyes off of him. He leaned down and place a gentle kiss on Kurt's cheek. He stood up slowly, still looking at his husband.
He knew he had to go. He was weary of leaving Kurt alone. One of the nurses offered to sit with him while they were gone, and Blaine was eternally grateful. He heard someone enter the room quietly. He felt them walk up behind him.
"Mr. Anderson?" It was that nurse, nurse Kaye. She was shorter than Blaine. Her eyes were a bright brown, her hair in a tight bun on the back of her head, the dark color popping out against her pale skin. She had gentle and emotion revealing eyes. Blaine liked that about her. He knew what she was going to say.
"Thank you." He said quietly, barely above a whisper. The nurse nodded and took a seat on the other side of Kurt. Blaine started to walk out of the room. He felt the urge to turn around and look at Kurt again, but he couldn't. He couldn't turn around and look at his husband lying a hospital bed, stuck there while he went to their daughter's funeral.
It took about twenty-five to thirty minutes for everyone to arrive and get settled. They were outside within the cemetery. There were flowers everywhere, chairs were placed for the immediate family. There was a chair for Blaine, Burt, Carole, Rachel, Jesse, and...Kurt. It broke everyone's heart that his seat would remain empty. The immediate family were there first, all standing near there chairs. They received hugs and condolences from friends and family members. Some of the glee alumni from different year showed up and gave them all hugs. The younger alumni really only knew Blaine and Rachel. Blaine saw his mom walked towards him. She had tear stained face and he couldn't be happier to see her. He had spoken with her about everything, but she was overseas and she had trouble getting back home. He was so grateful that she was able to make it.
"Oh, sweetie." Was all she could say. She held her son tightly in her arms, never wanting to let go. She couldn't imagine the pain he was feeling. He lost his only child, and the love of his life was unable to attend the funeral because of the coma. Her son was carrying so much pain and agony inside of him and she wanted nothing than to make it go away. But she couldn't', she knew that. All she could do was be there for her son, and help him in any way possible.
Blaine hugged his mother back tightly. Everything was kind of a blur. It happened so fast. Everyone arrived, he gave pretty much everyone a hug. Many, many tears were shed, and words spoken. Flower were place upon a smooth, black marble coffin, that was just too small. Blaine place a second flower for Kurt. Everyone had placed a red rose on the casket, but Blaine placed two white roses on black surface. He knew that Kurt preferred white. It symbolized innocence, and purity. Both qualities of which he believed their daughter to have. The roses made Blaine think about Kurt even more that he already was. A few tears escaped his crossed expression. He turned and walked away, feeling, with each step, a piece of his heart breaking.
It was official now. Their daughter was gone. They would have to start grieving and then going through the steps of grief and eventually move on. But, could they? Could they actually move on? How? By having another child? Would Kurt even want to have another child after Elizabeth? They had never talked about if they lost their only child if they would eventually have another. Would that be kind of like replacing her? What kind of parents would that make them? He didn't know if he even wanted to try for another child. If they did, it would be a very long before they tried.
For now, he needed to focus on Kurt. Helping him to wake up and to get better. He needed him to get better. He was unsure of pretty much everything. He didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't what he would do with himself. His daughter was gone, he couldn't stop saying that to himself. His daughter was gone. It's such a foreign phrase. He never he'd have to use those words. He didn't know what words to use. She was gone, and Kurt was still in a coma. All he knew was that he felt...alone.
A few days later, he sat in the room that had been home for the past few weeks, just watching his husband intently, wishing he would wake up. Today was the day everyone came by to see Kurt. They had put a little something together for him while they were away. Whatever it was, Blaine didn't know if it was selfish or rude, but he felt like he didn't want to do anything big. He just wanted to be there, with Kurt, in a nice and quiet room. He wanted nothing more than to go home with his husband.
He started to think about how they first met. He didn't know why, but his mind just simply wondered to those days. He thought about how much they grew since then, he realized just then how much. So many things have changed. Some for the better, some for the worst. He just wanted to be back there, for just a moment. To live the somewhat carefree life of a teenager. To go hang out with your friends doing the thing that you love. Surprisingly, he missed some of the drama, too. He missed...well Kurt. One song popped into his head. One song that he would never forget. He had already sand it to him twice. Maybe it would help him wake up. Sometimes he seems to respond to song better than words.
He slowly scooted up in his chair and leaned forward. He grabbed Kurt's hand gracefully and began to sing.
"You think I'm pretty without any make-up on
You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong
I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down
Before you met me, I was a wreck
But things were kinda heavy, you brought me to life
Now every February you'll be my valentine, valentine
Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I, we'll be young forever
You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream
The way you turn me on, I can't sleep
Let's runaway and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
My heart stops when you look at me
Just one touch, now baby I believe
This is real, so take a chance
And don't ever look back, don't ever look back
We drove to Cali and got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece
I'm complete
Blaine stopped to take a small breath. His emotions were increasing with each note. He was glad that he did this in private with Kurt. He just wanted it to be the two of them, together.
Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I, we'll be young forever
You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream
The way you turn me on, I can't sleep
Let's runaway and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
My heart stops when you look at me
Just one touch, now baby I believe
This is real, so take a chance
And don't ever look back, don't ever look back
I'ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream
The way you turn me on, I can't sleep
Let's runaway and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
My heart stops when you look at me
Just one touch, now baby I believe
This is real, so take a chance
And don't ever look back, don't ever look back
I'ma get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight"
After finishing the song Blaine took another deep breath. He stood still where he sat, just watching Kurt sleep. He wiped away a few tears and brought Kurt's hand up to his lips and kissed the soft, smooth, and pale skin. He closed his eyes and for the first time, he prayed. He prayed for Kurt to wake up, he prayed for him to be there at their daughter's funeral, he prayed that one day the pain wouldn't feel so bad. There was just so much that was on his heart right now he couldn't keep holding it in. He let tear after tear fall from his eyes, and after a moment of looking at Kurt's peaceful face, he let it all out. He gently placed his head on the bed, still holding Kurt's hand and began to cry.
He felt like he cried for hours when he felt a sudden foreign movement near his hand. He looked down and saw a single finger moving up and down. It was a small movement, almost undetectable, but it was still there. He looked up a Kurt quickly. He anxiously stood and moved closer to Kurt's head. He looked at any sign of consciousness from Kurt, but found none. He looked back down at Kurt's finger, and it was unmoving again. He waited a few more seconds to be sure, but there was no sign of any movement again.
He sat down back in his chair with a sigh. Every time Kurt had a muscle spasm he jumped with excitement and hope. He could feel his heart break each time that it wasn't him waking up. He felt as if all his hope was slowly slipping away. But, he knew that in doing that, he was giving up on Kurt, and he swore to never do that. This was just the hardest thing he has ever had to go through, and though he as surrounded by family and friends, he felt he was going through this alone. He didn't want to feel this way, he just did. His thoughts led him to lean back in his chair, holding Kurt's hand and watching the busy people walk past the window to their room.
Everyone else was at home, some were going to sleep for the night, some were still up, like, Blaine, thinking about Kurt. The thought about the good times they had, they about how he was generous, smart, crazy talented. They thought about how much they miss him. The realized now how big a part he played in their Glee club. He gave them that special edge, he gave them, uniqueness. He was special, so so special. He didn't take what he had for granted, his still doesn't. His voice is who he is, it's a part of him. They admired him for his courage, from the very beginning. He had grown stronger over the years and they knew, that he would be strong enough to get through this. He would heal, they attend their daughter's funeral, they would grieve, but they would also celebrate her life.
Blaine knew that everyone felt the same. They're a family, they stick together, no matter what. They would always be there for each other, whatever they needed, whenever they needed it, they would be there. It actually reminded him of something that Kurt said to him so many years ago. He remembered what they were wearing, where they were, and what had happened. They were in the courtyard outside the cafeteria at McKinley, Kurt had just transferred back there and he and the Warblers sang a farewell song to him for Dalton Academy. He said-
"I'll never say goodbye to you." Blaine didn't think he said it out loud. He knew he didn't say it out loud. He looked up from where his head moved to stare at the floor. His eyes rested on soft, beautiful blue, green, grey eyes staring back at him.
"K-Kurt?" Blaine asked with a quiver in his voice. He sat up quickly and moved closer to his husband who smiled at him, actually smiled at him. His heart was racing, his eyes were flooding with fresh tears, he put Kurt's hand that he held into both of his and kissed it. He stood a little and bent over to Kurt to press a kiss against his temple. He cupped the opposite side of Kurt's face just looking at him.
"Hey! Hi! You're awake, thank God you're awake. I- I love you so much." Blaine couldn't help the break in his voice. He was so overwhelmed with emotion he couldn't contain it. He looked at Kurt again, who was awake and looking at him with tears in his eyes as well. Blaine placed another kiss to Kurt's hand.
"I love you too, Blaine." Kurt took a moment top look at his husband and then look around the room. He couldn't remember why he was in the hospital. He felt tired, weak, his head hurt a lot. He noticed his throat was dry so he licked his lips and tried to clear his throat which was feeling sore.
"What happened?" Kurt whispered.
"What do you remember Kurt?" Blaine asked sitting down and scooting his chair closer so he could still touch Kurts cheek. Kurt closed his eyes to try and remember.
"We were in the choir room, we were at Lizzie's memorial. I remember hearing Rachel screaming...the rest is kind of fuzzy."
"That's ok. That's good." Both men were quiet for a moment before Blaine spoke again. He knew that Kurt needed to know what happened. He wanted to tell him so that they could get it behind them.
"You had a seizure, Kurt. They did a procedure to...Kurt they removed a tumor." Kurt's eyes widened a little at the mention of a tumor.
"But, you're okay, it wasn't cancerous. They removed it and now you're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine." Kurt relaxed at hearing those words. It was still scary to hear though. Then it hit him, Elizabeth. He didn't know why he didn't remember, he remembered the memorial service for crying out loud! His eyes immediately started to fill with tears. He squeezed Blaine's hand, and closed his eyes, shedding a tear or two. Blaine saw the tears and he knew what he remembered. that was all it took for Blaine to know. He looked at Blaine, his eyes wide and already filled to the brim with tears.
"Lizzie." Kurt's voice was so small, raw and full of emotion that Blaine couldn't keep it in anymore. He let lose all the frustration he felt, all the loneliness, the fear, the sadness, the grief. He cried into Kurt's shoulder unable to control it. Kurt began to cry, too, albeit not as hard as Blaine, he was still too weak. They stayed there, in each others arms, crying over their lost little girl. They didn't what was going to happen, they didn't know what tomorrow would be like, but one thing they did know; they had each other back, and they weren't going anywhere.
...
Over the next few weeks, Kurt recovered in the hospital. He and Blaine mostly kept to themselves. But, when friends and family did come to visit, they wished they'd never leave. Sometimes they wished they could be alone, but they knew that they needed family there with them. It was very hard the first few weeks. Kurt would wake up crying because he would remember that she was gone, and then he would remember that he didn't attend her funeral, that he couldn't attend her funeral, which made him even more upset.
The Glee alumni came and performed some songs to express how they were feeling. More than anything they talked. They talked about the old days at McKinley, they talked about things were with them, trying to get their minds off of Lizzie. Kurt hardly said anything, he mostly stared at the window. He would respond when someone spoke to him and he would talk for a little while, but then he went back to the window.
One day Blaine came back to the room after getting some lunch when he saw Kurt standing at the window. He was just looking outside. He hospital gown hung off him like it was three sizes too big. His arms loosely hanging by his sides. Blaine didn't know what to say. Instead he just sat the food down, walked over slowly and quietly, and stared out of the window too. He still didn't say anything, knowing that nothing could be said that would help right now. So, Blaine took Kurt's hand in his they kept staring out the window. Neither talked, neither moved.
Kurt was distant, yet so close. He wasn't closing himself off to Blaine, he just didn't have to express what he was feeling, because Blaine knew how he was feeling. He just didn't know how help him.
Blaine had never been unsure about how to help Kurt, with pretty much anything. All he could do was be there for his husband. He was grieving too. How were two parents supposed to grieve for their child together when they grieved differently? They hardly talked, not really knowing what to say. It wasn't until Burt took Blaine outside of Kurt's hospital room to talk to him, that everything changed. Kurt was ready to go home. The doctors said they were releasing him.
They didn't know what to do at the hospital, what were they going to do at home? Home meant family, it was your safe place, somewhere you could go no matter how hard things would get, and it would always be there, she would always be there. It was scary to think about. They weren't too sure about going home.
"I don't want to go home." Kurt had told Blaine. It tore at Blaine's broken heart to hear him say that. Kurt was so sad about it. He always had this special thing, that if your day was going terrible and you needed to get away, just go home. Home will be there, it will be nice and warm, and it will keep all the nasty stuff away. Now? Now it would remind them of the one precious light that they lost, and Kurt was scared to go.
"I know, Kurt. I know." They went anyway. Kurt put up a little resistance at first, but then for some reason, he couldn't wait to get home. Blaine felt as if he was in a rush or something. What scared him? He didn't know if that was a bad thing or a good thing.
Once they got home, Blaine helped Kurt out of the car and into the house. He sat him on their entryway bench and went to get their bags. When Blaine got back, Kurt wasn't at the door anymore. He set the bags down, closed and locked the door (you never know what could happen in New York City) and slowly walked into the living room. He looked around in the lounge area and the kitchen first, but then he heard crying from the hallway. He turned and followed the sobs down the hallway to empty room, with pink walls.
There Kurt was, sitting on Lizzie's little bed, hugging her pillow just crying his eyes out. Blaine felt weak at the sight. He tried to walk over to Kurt, but when he got closer his legs suddenly felt like jell-o and he fell to his knees in front of his distraught husband. He and Kurt locked eyes, silently crying. Blaine just slowly placed his head into Kurt's lap. Kurt put the pillow down and brushed his hands through Blaine's non gelled hair. He leaned down and placed a kiss on Blaine's head and they sat there crying, letting everything out. They just...cried.
After that day they didn't go back into that room for months. Kurt got well again and went back to work. Blaine went back too, but with less hours. He wanted to spend as much time with Kurt as possible and they did. They had finally gotten back to their normal schedules. They tried having their date nights again. The first was pretty awkward, but they finally got back into the pace of things. The room was a constant reminder though. Every time they would pass it, they would feel a pang of guilt in their hearts, guilt for trying to move on.
Burt wanted to visit them practically every week but, he knew that they would need space. So he wait about two months, then he called to make sure they were up for the company. Kurt told him that could stop by whenever he wanted, just not every week. For the first time in a very long time, they laughed. It was a very special moment. Blaine came home and he heard something that he hadn't hear in so long, he thought it was the television. It was Kurt laughing. It didn't last very long, but it was still there. Maybe they would be okay after all.
About a month and a half after that Burt came to see them and saw a big truck right outside their apartment. There were boxes being moved, furniture being placed in that big truck. Burt squeezed passed the movers and went straight the apartment. It was his sons' apartment that they were taking stuff out of. At first he just thought that he had the wrong apartment. He checked the number and he was in the right place. He walked inside and saw that they already had half of everything outside.
"Kurt!" He hollered. He saw his son following someone down the hallway with a heavy lamp.
"Please be careful, it's antique!" He instructed in a huff. The guy just kept walking towards the door and rolled his eyes along the way. If Burt wasn't in shock he would have laughed. Kurt noticed his father and went over to him giving him a hug.
"Hey dad." He said softly. Burt hugged him back giving him a quizzical look after letting go.
"Kurt, what's going on?" He asked, his hand lightly grasping his son's shoulder.
"We found a new place. It's a lot closer to where we both work, and the park's just a block away. It's sruprisingly cheap for an apartment so close to downtown."
"Okay, that's great. I didn't know you two wanted to move. I could've helped you know." He said smiling. Kurt gave him a small smile. But then it disappeared quickly.
"Son, what's wrong? Why do you guys want to move?" Kurt played with his hands for a moment. He looked down the hallway and without looking away, he told him.
"We pass by her room everyday. We have to walk past it to get to our bedroom, so most nights I end sleeping on the couch, we both do. We just, we can't." Burt rubbed his son's back affectionately. He shook his head, knowing all too well that feeling. He felt the same for a few weeks when Finn passed away. He pulled his son in for another hug and Kurt didn't protest, he just hugged his father back. He knew they made the right decision. It was for the best.
About a week and a half later they had a house warming party. Most of the alumni were there, Puck, Quinn, Brittany, Artie, Sam, Tina and Mike were together, just getting back from their honeymoon. Rachel and Jesse, who lived close by anyway came for the whole party. Mercedes and Santana couldn't get away. Mercedes was on tour and told them she would come by as soon as she could. Santana was at a premiere of her show across seas. She said she would make it to see them whenever she could get a break. After the party some of them stayed a few extra days wanting to help out. They had some fun. Brittany, Tina and Rachel all had a sleepover with Kurt. Puck, Mike and Sam had taken Blaine out. For a few days it seemed like everything was back to normal. Well, somewhat normal.
Both Kurt and Blaine looked around their surroundings at their friends, thinking that they would be okay. Eventually, they would be ok.