This is crack. And short.

Setting: Let's just say Alfred's on the good drugs after suffering a bad fall while doing his chores or something...

Sorry, Alfie...or rather, sorry, B. ;P

"Ahh. Master Dick. So bouncy."

"Pfft." Dick smothered his laugh.

"I remember when Master Bruce was the same. I'd told Master Thomas he was to hold the little flesh bag himself."

"Oh my god." Steph gaped at Alfred. She and the others couldn't believe what he just said.

"Miss Stephanie! I did not know you were here." Alfred tried to get up but Tim was there to gently push him back down. He still kept talking to her. "Welcome. Whatever Master Bruce has told you that you did wrong. Please know he's done worse."

"Oh my god," she repeated.

"Always falling down and getting himself hurt," Alfred continued, shaking his head tiredly. "A band aid isn't enough for a broken finger. Which, I might add, is not a flesh wound. Even if he was only 10, he should've known better."

"This is gold," Jason said. He was holding his phone up, having been recording since Alfie said Dick was bouncy.

"Ooh. Jaybird. Lad." He made a motion for Jason to come closer, and then whispered loudly, "Please tell your father the sky is blue and can indeed be seen when the sun is at full zenith. If he would just wake up and go to bed on time then he would know." Alfred nodded and Jason stood back. "Also, I know where he hid his alarm clock. I've known since he was 10 and tried to bullocks me into believing that time was lost and therefore class was canceled."

"I can't. Oh my god." His hand was shaking so much; Jason gave the phone to Tim who was more in control.

"Where is Master Damian? I must tell him not to be like his father. The banister is not a slide." Dick looked at their youngest. Damian was actually blushing. Huh. Dick didn't think, he'd actually do such a thing. "I don't care how 'cool' it looks."

"Father did that?"

"Did he say that too?" This coming from Steph. Having Bruce say cool was so foreign somehow.

"Was cool even a word then?" Tim asked.

"Lester Young, 1933," Jason said and they all looked at him. "What? I google."

They all turned when Bruce came into the room to find the kids (and they were all kids to him, no matter how old they got) were all crowding around Alfred. He was about to reprimand them (Gently, Bruce. Gently) when Alfred spoke up.

"Master Bruce, you do not slide down railings, do you understand? Especially in only your jammies when we have guests aiming to bleed your parents of their money. Appearances must be kept."

"Alfie…" Bruce groaned before taking the seat next to the bed which Dick vacated. He saw Tim give the phone he held to Jason. Great. They were recording this. What else did Alfred say?

"Ahh. My little boy. When did you grow from that wet tiny round mess into this hulking brooding mess?"

"…"

"Must I still clean up after you?"

All his kids lost it.